Inappropriate Teen

[IrishDU]

I knew when I started dating my new gf that she had a 12yr old daughter, that for more than a decade they only had each other, and were basically joined at the hip.

My partner is a stunning beauty, several years younger than me, from a different culture, and I consider myself the luckiest man on earth.  Hee daughter is basically a little clone, and they share a lot.  Personally I think my GF treats her a little too much like a young adult, but as I said different cultures and besides they are her decisions as parent, not for me to criticise.

I learned pretty quickly that she is precocious, outgoing, and had no boundaries.  We'd barely began dating when her daughter started calling me "papa" and had gone through my facebook and introduced herself to my kids (who are all older and adults now.)
Now I love them both, but there are aspects that I find very confronting and quite frankly disturbing.  And at times, I worry that she has gone beyond simple "charming precociousness" and is deliberately pushing boundaries to get a reaction.
It would be easier to read is she wasn't just such a great kid and joy to have around.  Plus there is still a cultural barrier, and a slight language barrier that they both love to duck behind.

When I first visited my GF, I was very confused (but ultimately a little relived) that her willingness to let me see her undress, naked, and even bath with me, did not equate to a similarly casual attitude towards sex.  This attitude seems to be cultural, but I still find it very disturbing.
The first time we went to their beach, both she and her daughter, wore nothing but a "string" bikini bottom (and even the string was removed for tanning purposes.)  Needless to say that after that I decided their beaches were too "cold" for me.  And where we live now I've convinced them that the sun is too dangerous.

We've now been together for a while, and we've both come to refer to her as "our" daughter, but I still respect my partner's role as her primary parent.  
I just don't know how to deal with the more inappropriate aspects of her behaviour.  Unfortunately my partner just thinks I'm a puritan and makes a joke of it.

She is still not even 14 yet, and I'm worried that her attitude may get her into strife.  
My partner is an incredible woman, but yeah she got pregnant to a boyfriend who disappeared from their lives shortly thereafter.  And when she tells me that she was already having sex at her daughter's age, and that she will have sex when she feels ready for it, that really upsets me.

[Gebidozo]

9 hours ago, IrishDU said:

And when she tells me that she was already having sex at her daughter's age, and that she will have sex when she feels ready for it, that really upsets me.

Why? She is right. Her daughter will have sex when she feels ready for it. Some start earlier, others start later. It’s very different for different people and yes, sometimes for entire cultures. 

 

[Acacia98]

As far as I can tell, it doesn't sound like you have a question. You're not questioning the relationship or wondering about your compatibility with your girlfriend, are you?

[ExpatInItaly]

21 hours ago, IrishDU said:

When I first visited my GF, I was very confused (but ultimately a little relived) that her willingness to let me see her undress, naked, and even bath with me, did not equate to a similarly casual attitude towards sex.  This attitude seems to be cultural, but I still find it very disturbing.

I don't get what you're saying here. You were relieved that she didn't have a casual attitude towards sex yet you were disturbed by it? 

 

[IrishDU]

On 4/8/2026 at 12:03 AM, Gebidozo said:

Why? She is right. Her daughter will have sex when she feels ready for it. Some start earlier, others start later. It’s very different for different people and yes, sometimes for entire cultures. 

 

The Legal Age of Consent in our country is 16.  Our daughter is not even 14.
I love my partner beyond anything, but I still find it confronting that she was sexually active before the age of 14, and that she's ok if our daughter is too.

[IrishDU]

On 4/8/2026 at 1:34 AM, Acacia98 said:

As far as I can tell, it doesn't sound like you have a question. You're not questioning the relationship or wondering about your compatibility with your girlfriend, are you?

Our daughters behaviour is very inappropriate.  And at times I think she is doing it deliberately.
I love her, she is a wonderful kid, but I don't know how to deal with this.

• She will swim naked in our pool, dry herself, then walk through the house naked.
• She will unlock out door (its a just a hole in the doorknob) and interrupt us to climb into our bed.  When I make a mad grab for my shorts she jokes that she doesn't have pants on either and they both laugh.
• I now make sure than I have on shorts before I fall asleep, but my partner does not.  I frequently wake to find our daughter in between us, and on one occasion she has naked.
• It has become a running joke for her to ask me to help trim her hairs, or to ask me to help wash her hair.
• If we're discussing watching a movie at night, she will ask me and her mum if we're going to have sex before or after the movie.

It has upset my older children, because she also posts inappropriate comments on facebook, and then always retracts them with "oops sorry my bad English"

It's also not beyond the realms of possibility, that I end up getting investigated, because of some of the things she posts.  
I don't THINK its in any way malicious, I think she just regards it all as a big joke.

 

Edited 15 hours ago by IrishDU

[IrishDU]

23 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't get what you're saying here. You were relieved that she didn't have a casual attitude towards sex yet you were disturbed by it? 

 

I find their attitude to nudity, including public nudity, to be extremely "liberated."

I make them wear rashies to beach, but they still don't cover enough.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, IrishDU said:

• She will swim naked in our pool, dry herself, then walk through the house naked.
• She will unlock out door (its a just a hole in the doorknob) and interrupt us to climb into our bed.  When I make a mad grab for my shorts she jokes that she doesn't have pants on either and they both laugh.
• I now make sure than I have on shorts before I fall asleep, but my partner does not.  I frequently wake to find our daughter in between us, and on one occasion she has naked.
• It has become a running joke for her to ask me to help trim her hairs, or to ask me to help wash her hair.
• If we're discussing watching a movie at night, she will ask me and her mum if we're going to have sex before or after the movie.

None of this is normal whatsoever. It's not about having a liberal attitude towards nudity or cultural difference - it's about a young girl with inappropraite sexual behaviour and a mother who enables that. 

I am shocked you're still dating this woman. I would have ended it at the first sign that mom was such a piss-poor parent. 

[Acacia98]

7 hours ago, IrishDU said:

Our daughters behaviour is very inappropriate.  And at times I think she is doing it deliberately.
I love her, she is a wonderful kid, but I don't know how to deal with this.

It's also not beyond the realms of possibility, that I end up getting investigated, because of some of the things she posts.  
I don't THINK its in any way malicious, I think she just regards it all as a big joke.

 

Definitely inappropriate. And the mother is a huge part of the problem. You need to end the relationship and walk away. 

[Carlston]

Her daughter, her problem. No need to make it yours.

Stay out of it and enjoy your time with your girlfriend. 

Don't marry her and don't adopt the kid, she's going to be trouble. 

 

[IrishDU]

Firstly, I love them both, My Partner is incredible, and yes we are planning to Marry

She's actually a great kid, albeit with no boundaries.  I actually love having her in my life.  I love how close she is with her mum, and to some extent I feel happy that she seems to include me.  

It's just that so far, I am getting no traction.  I've been hoping that the "joke" would wear off, but not so far.  
My partner legit seems to think that I am over reacting.

Also, they have both given up everything to move halfway round the world to be with me.  My partner was very independent before we met, and she is the one that has made all the sacrifices.  
We don't fight.  We may disagree over say timing, but it never becomes a big issue.  
Importantly, we have never "disagreed" over our daughter.  My partner says to me "she is your daughter now, so of course she must do as you say."  We have never had a "you're not really her father" type conversation, and I don't want to risk that starting.  

But, what HAS been really difficult, is that my partner just does not accept the notion of different rules or standards for her and our daughter.  Is she goes to the hairdresser, or beauty salon, or gets her nails done, then our daughter does to.  She's not spoiled, as such, they just do everything together.

I try to have serious conversations with my partner, and I know that if I really come down hard on the issue, that they will do as I say.  But I don't want to be a dictator, and sometimes I just struggle to explain it.
My partner now seems to have so fully embraced the idea that she is OUR daughter,  that my awkwardness doesn't make sense to her.  We have told our daughter that she must be more careful around the house, in case there are visitors.  But then she gets cheeky and says "so is ok if no visitors?"  

[Gebidozo]

I don’t have a teenage daughter or stepdaughter, but if I did, I’d be extremely uncomfortable with her running around the house naked and / or getting into bed with me naked.

I don’t think this is normal, and it doesn’t really have anything to do with being sexually liberated.

I don’t understand why the mother condones such behavior.

 

[Carlston]

9 hours ago, IrishDU said:

I now make sure than I have on shorts before I fall asleep, but my partner does not.  I frequently wake to find our daughter in between us, and on one occasion she has naked.

I missed this the first time. That is totally wacked. One day you'll wake up and find she's helping herself. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, IrishDU said:

I try to have serious conversations with my partner, and I know that if I really come down hard on the issue, that they will do as I say.  But I don't want to be a dictator, and sometimes I just struggle to explain it.

You lack a spine, and are thus tacitly agreeing to sexually inappropriate behaviour as well. There is a wide margin between being a dictator and not allowing a teen girl to prance around naked and get in bed with you, for heaven's sake. You know this. 

The whole dynamic among the three of you is very concerning. All it will take it for your reckless step-daughter to let it slip to a friend that she sometimes sleeps naked with her step-dad - how do you think that is going to be viewed? And who do you think concerned third parties are going to listen to and believe? (hint: it's going to make you look like a total creep) 

You don't have good judgment either, in other words. 

Edited 5 hours ago by ExpatInItaly