I lose interest in verbally affectionate women but get attached to distant ones

[CeruleanSkies98]

I’m 28M.

I’ve noticed a bit of a pattern in myself where I’m mostly attracted to women who are more aloof or emotionally reserved. Any subtle signs or small compliments mean a lot to me. Less is often more with me.

On the flip side, when someone is verbally affectionate, I get uncomfortable or turned off by it. Which is ironic cause I am an expressive person. Even if the person means well, it can feel like it’s lovebombing or overwhelming. Maybe even disingenuous. It can feel like a pressure that’s hard to live up to whenever the person is verbally affectionate.

For example, I can send a long supportive message to someone; and I get a heavy affectionate response, I’ll feel uncomfortable.

However, if the response is something as simple and neutral as “thank you. I appreciate you,” it’ll make me so happy.

I’m trying to understand why I fall harder for people who are more aloof/not verbally expressive. Is this normal? Is this healthy? And has anyone dealt with something like this before?

[Sony12]

Being more attracted to people who don't make themselves completely available to us or force us to chase them is extremely normal. It's one of the main reasons some women are often attracted to guys who don't treat them very well or take advantage of them. 

As a guy though if you enjoy having a steady sex life you will be much more likely to get that from women who are throwing themselves at you so to speak then women who are acting neutral towards you.

It's your choice.

[FredEire]

Yep. I find myself most attracted to some women who are aloof and mysterious to the point of being downright weird, especially if there is tension/irritation under the surface and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her. If she's got a pretty face and big brown eyes as well, forget about it I'm hooked.

I think as @Sony12 said thats not exactly uncommon, many people are turned on by the chase and the idea that you got past someone's hard exterior.

The problem is that if someone is acting like that there's usually a good reason for it, and it doesnt often set you up to have a great experience with her. You've got to get down to why you're so attracted to such characters, and see if you can see things from a different perspective, because showing affection and being an open and honest communicator is pretty important for a healthy relationship.

[Sanch62]

Effusive behavior can feel like overkill, and I think many people don't trust it.

[ShyViolet]

Sounds like fear of intimacy to me.  You're avoiding having a deep connection with someone.  It would be worth delving deeper into why that is, what is it about it that makes you so uncomfortable.

[FredEire]

2 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

Effusive behavior can feel like overkill, and I think many people don't trust it.

Yeah, but that largely depends what you mean by affection. Saying after a couple of dates "Im having a great time with you and really enjoying our chats " is affection, "you are the most special person I've ever met " is affection too but OTT affection.

It largely depends but if you're with someone who's not affectionate at all or only affectionate when they want validation and could be bothered it isn't a great sign it's going to work. Wanting a relationship with such people seems a bit dysfunctional.

[Gebidozo]

There is a huge difference between being attracted to cold and emotionally unavailable people and being wary of excessive displays of affection that feel like lovebombing.

I’m not sure the OP has that first problem, it sounds more like the second, in which case it’s not a problem at all but a normal reaction.

I think we need more details here.

 

 

[FredEire]

17 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

There is a huge difference between being attracted to cold and emotionally unavailable people and being wary of excessive displays of affection that feel like lovebombing.

I’m not sure the OP has that first problem, it sounds more like the second, in which case it’s not a problem at all but a normal reaction.

I think we need more details here.

 

 

I hate the term "love language" but there is an element of that as well. Some people fit better with higher levels of expressed affection, others with less. The two ends of the spectrum, for me, are what most often tend to be unhealthy, where you are totally stonewall and indifferent or showering your new SO with compliments about how they are the most wonderful person in the world.

[Lotsgoingon]

It is shockingly common for people fall into the trap of trying to win the affection of someone instead of being open to someone you like who also likes you.

I've caught myself showing more interest in certain people who were distant. I have worked to stop that pattern. It does require practice and a lot of awareness. BTW, if and when you do win over the distant person, it's almost always--in my experience--been a major letdown and disappointment. If they were slow to be affectionate and interested all along that doesn't suddenly change if you begin to date them.

The chase can be a familiar high, but the intensity of the chase does not mean there is someone great reward at the end of the line. Nope. Not all. 

 

[CeruleanSkies98]

13 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

There is a huge difference between being attracted to cold and emotionally unavailable people and being wary of excessive displays of affection that feel like lovebombing.

I’m not sure the OP has that first problem, it sounds more like the second, in which case it’s not a problem at all but a normal reaction.

I think we need more details here.

 

 

I didn’t expect this topic to get that much attention, so sorry if I’m vague.

 

Yes, I don’t like being showered in affection. In my past relationship, my partner was very loving, very caring, clingy and at times possessive. It felt less loving and more objectifying. As much as I loved her, I felt pressure to match that intensity (as if I didn’t show that same intensity back, it would feel as if I didn’t like her)

 

I don’t like the hot and cold, unwilling to communicate emotional game, but it’s much easier for me to fall for them. I’m trying to unlearn how. 
 

Long story short, I find it easier to be with someone calm and not necessarily so intense romantically— but the people I find who are calm, are often more aloof. 

[FredEire]

5 hours ago, CeruleanSkies98 said:

I didn’t expect this topic to get that much attention, so sorry if I’m vague.

 

Yes, I don’t like being showered in affection. In my past relationship, my partner was very loving, very caring, clingy and at times possessive. It felt less loving and more objectifying. As much as I loved her, I felt pressure to match that intensity (as if I didn’t show that same intensity back, it would feel as if I didn’t like her)

 

I don’t like the hot and cold, unwilling to communicate emotional game, but it’s much easier for me to fall for them. I’m trying to unlearn how. 
 

Long story short, I find it easier to be with someone calm and not necessarily so intense romantically— but the people I find who are calm, are often more aloof. 

I get you, but there is a middle ground. Not everyone is going to be aloof and making you feel you're not sure where you stand, or feeling abandoned if they don't hear from you for a few hours because you're busy. There are people who are affectionate and want to communicate with you and are also chill and understand you have a life outside them. IMO that's generally the kind of partner you want to look for.

[FredEire]

17 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

It is shockingly common for people fall into the trap of trying to win the affection of someone instead of being open to someone you like who also likes you.

I've caught myself showing more interest in certain people who were distant. I have worked to stop that pattern. It does require practice and a lot of awareness. BTW, if and when you do win over the distant person, it's almost always--in my experience--been a major letdown and disappointment. If they were slow to be affectionate and interested all along that doesn't suddenly change if you begin to date them.

The chase can be a familiar high, but the intensity of the chase does not mean there is someone great reward at the end of the line. Nope. Not all. 

 

Right. I've usually ended up dating with people who were showing consistent interest from the beginning and the ones where I was contantly wondering what was going on would never take off, but the couple of times I ended up dating someone who was hot/cold and distant it goes back to baseline in the end even if there's a period where their interest starts to raise. Usually for me it's happened in the form of picking a fight out of nothing when it seemed possible we were going to get a bit closer.

Edited 1 hour ago by FredEire