3 strikes and you're out (or not?)

[Gebidozo]

47 minutes ago, bitter and sad said:

Must be great to sit up high on that throne and throw your declarations of truth down on us rabble.

I’m not sitting on any throne, I’m trying to help you. If you want to solve the problem, the first step is to stop being so bitterly defensive and acknowledge the fact that you’re twisting the narrative in an attempt to minimize the serious impact of the events that are gradually being unraveled.

There is no shame in admitting that. Most of us are guilty of that. I also came to this forum with a story that got quickly exposed for inconsistency. I wasn’t lying, I was just convincing myself that was the truth.

[Imogen_77]

On 3/31/2026 at 3:59 PM, bitter and sad said:

She once told me:  "as long as the two of us are walking the face of this earth, we may be together."  

So, back to your original post, and the above statement: Is that something you’re holding on to? It sure seems that way. 
If she really lives in your town, then how likely do you think it is that you or your wife might run into her somewhere? 
I mean it sure sounds like this may not be over (on your part), and you can either be proactive about it and find out more about her circumstances and current whereabouts (like you said, there’s the internet), or you do nothing and let the chips fall where they may. I really don’t have any other ideas at the moment. You do seem like you really really want to know. 
And while I don’t recommend keeping secrets from your spouse (and people you’re close to in general, because imo it causes too much stress and emotional imbalance), I do assume that this nagging feeling won’t go away all by itself, especially now that you know that your former AP might live close. She might not, though, tbh. Could be somebody different with a similar name. Could be an investment property. Could be property that they bought to rent out. I’m sure you know the address, and I’m wondering if you have done a “drive-by” ….. So yeah, my point is that you’ll never be satisfied until you know. But your former AP, OTOH, may be completely disinterested ….. because why else wouldn’t she have dropped a hint by now? This, or it’s not her. There’s only one way to find out.
What that means for the quality of your marriage is another question only you can answer. Because again: secrets. 

[bitter and sad]

Geb - thanks.  There is no impact at the moment (and likely will not be), and I don't need to "admit" to any untuths or inconsistencies.  I have tried to tell my story - again, 2 different stories - as well as I can.  Obviously any post only includes what's most important or relevant initially.  If I wrote absolutely everything at once, it'd be 100 pages or more.  Like I said, there is no advantage in minimizing or lying about anything.  You say I have - that's fine.  Again, thanks for your help.

77 - I only mentioned that statement of hers to try to describe her feelings, and the permanence of them.  I understood what she was saying when she said that, but I didn't necessarily agree.  I saw our window of opportunity as being finite.  Each episode, I was pushing for us to be together.  She had her reasons, ultimately, for why it wasn't the right time.  The 3rd time was the right time (and I'd say the 1st), but she broke down and gave up.

There is no question it is her "in town."  It'd be quite odd to run into her/them - I say town, but we live in a very big East Coast city.  I have not driven by.  Though I don't doubt for a second that she has driven by my house.  I didn't know this at the time, but when we lived in the same town/city for the first 3 years of this saga, she later told me she drove by all the time, and sometimes just parked outside my house.  Wow, I was shocked because we lived at the end of a 10-house cul-de-sac - everybody knew everybody.

I don't have any immediate plans to do anything.  I just learned of this about a month ago.

[Sanch62]

On 4/1/2026 at 3:05 PM, bitter and sad said:

As I stated in that thread several times, our marriage is just fine otherwise; that is, outside my own despondency re her what appears to be, permanent dishonesty.  But that's not what I am writing about here.  These are separate issues.

Whose permanent dishonesty, hers or yours? Does W know you've plotted your escape from her with the woman you love over the course of 3 reunions and are considering contacting that woman again?

Sounds like a case of pot calling kettle in a feigned show of self-righteousness.

Why not just end the marriage so you can operate freely with no reason to point fingers at anybody else?

[ExpatInItaly]

On 4/4/2026 at 8:24 PM, bitter and sad said:

I don't have any immediate plans to do anything

There should be no plans at all - immediate or otherwise. 

It's time you let go. Way past time. 

[bitter and sad]

Prologue - it seems some posts/comments come and go on this site.  I read a few comments late yesterday that were quite good - especially 77's - and they're gone this morning.  Why is that?  Nothing controversial or seemingly against the rules.  I was looking forward to responding to them.  ???

Yes, 62, there's some hypocrisy here, however they're not quite the same IMO.  I think I already distinguished them as apples and oranges.  One is lying about having sex w multiple men outside the marriage when asked directly about it.  The other is harboring thoughts and memories about an ex-GF/AP with whom I was once in love (a GF/AP I wholly admitted to when asked).  One is blatant dishonesty and the other is not that abnormal (especially as one hits "old age," and contemplates "might have beens.").  To the latter, if one cannot come on this relationship board and post about old relationships without being accused of having a "very recent" A or bad behavior, then what's the point of having it?  Not exactly a safe space.  What percentage of people on this board still think about their old GFs/BFs/ex-APs?  I'd venture to guess, most.

EPI - I have not acted in 16+ years and I don't have any plans to.  I think a few people were saying it is an option - not necessarily recommending it, but an option.

I don't feel bad, or "dishonest" about thinking about my ex-AP.  Clearly finding out in the last month that she has moved 20 miles away from me when we were separated by 100s of miles for 25 of the last 28 years (and 95% of the on/off relationship we had over the course of 12 years) is a reasonable if not expected cause of increased thoughts and memories.  I came here to ask what others thought of that change, and what they might recommend.  Most say, let it go.  Many say, come clean w your W and ask/demand she come clean w you.  Some say, it's up to you - pros and cons in both directions.

While I don't have any plans to try to contact my ex-AP, I do think I have moved a tad closer to confronting my W about her past sexual As.  Again, that was more the other thread, but responses to both threads have moved me closer to believing I/we have to get that out in the open for my mental health in my last couple decades.  IIRC, 77 had a very good post about that yesterday - a lot about my W weaponizing anger to stop me in my tracks, and not to let her succeed w that.  Anyone and everyone I have ever told my story about W's behavior has said there is no doubt she had these As (and most were women).  If she goes bonkers and threatens our M over me asking honest questions, then so be it.  I am not in the wrong about wanting the truth.  Yup, 62 (and others), there is some hypocrisy and righteousness in that, but at least in my mind, these aren't the same.  Mostly because my past sin is out in the open - my W knows about ex-AP because I admitted to her - and her past sin is hidden and lied about.  My recent thoughts and memories?  Just that, thoughts and memories.

[ExpatInItaly]

20 minutes ago, bitter and sad said:

While I don't have any plans to try to contact my ex-AP, I do think I have moved a tad closer to confronting my W about her past sexual As.  Again, that was more the other thread, but responses to both threads have moved me closer to believing I/we have to get that out in the open for my mental health in my last couple decades

I don't see a problem in asking your wife for honesty about her suspected affairs. You should be candid about yours, too. 

 

[bitter and sad]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't see a problem in asking your wife for honesty about her suspected affairs. You should be candid about yours, too. 

 

Well, the latter aspect would be armageddon, marital suicide.  Hey, it might not be right, but it's true - not looking for that.  If/when our M were to end (and I don't see or want that), I'd like it to at least be under my terms.  Again, that may not be right/fair, but I think nearly everyone is in the end about their own self-interests.

[Imogen_77]

3 hours ago, bitter and sad said:

I read a few comments late yesterday that were quite good - especially 77's - and they're gone this morning. 

Thanks. Hope all is well.

I don’t think anything has be deleted, but you never know.