Would you say she's interested?

[spideyfan300]

Hey everyone, I'd love to know your opinion on my situation. I feel like I'm in sort of a gray area but I could just be looking too far into this. 

 

So over the past few weeks, this woman has been coming into my job while babysitting. She started initiating conversation with me at first about personal-ish stuff (how tired she feels, cutting out chai, late night snacks, etc) but one day we had a really strong interaction where we talked for about 30 minutes and laughed, swapped stories about kids being brutal (getting told “F you” by one kid, etc.), introduced ourselves, and she even asked me questions like “are you local?” and she mentioned she was raised in the UK, which was a cool coincidence for me. The conversation was so good she completely forgot about her babysitting duties, I had to remind her of it. She even came back to continue the conversation after briefly leaving to tend to the kids, which felt like a legit sign she enjoyed talking to me and was maybe sort of into me. The kids basically walked up to her by the end of the conversation to get her attention. 

 

After this exchange, I was feeling confident that I wasn't misreading the signs so on Tuesday I finally asked her if she’d like to grab coffee sometime. She said “yes sure" but had a poker face on the entire time. I didnt really detect a whole lot of enthusiasm. I then gave her my number on a piece of paper. Because of her poker face I had assumed she might not have been interested or something, but she actually wound up texting me about an hour later saying: “hey it’s _____” 

 

That day we texted a bit about pets and comfort shows for about an hour before the conversation just sort of... stopped. It felt like I was carrying the conversation basically, since she didnt really ask me anything about myself. During this chat she said she’s comfortable doing coffee but wasn’t sure if she’d be free Thursday but said she'd more than likely have time during the weekend or maybe next week. 

 

So I texted again the next day to tell her that Thursday wouldn't work for me & suggested Saturday or Monday. However she said those days didn’t work for her, but Monday “might be feasible.” Then after about 15 or so minutes she ended the convo kind of abruptly with “my dog is insistent I continue to play fetch with him”. It was a good conversation before she had to go, she actually had a tad bit more to contribute this time around. At one point she said she’d “save the other stories for coffee,” which to me sounded like she was still open to it.

 

The issue is the planning side. When I tried to narrow down days, it stayed vague. She said the weekend/next week was pretty open, but then Saturday didn’t work, and Monday was only a maybe. It was more “I’ll let you know” than anything concrete. She’s a substitute teacher and babysits a few days a week, so I know her schedule can genuinely be inconsistent. But at the same time, she is off for spring break next week, so it does feel sort of like if she really wanted to make it happen, she’d make it a little easier. I haven't heard from her since Wednesday and am having doubts I'll hear anything anytime soon

 

I don’t want to chase or keep sending messages, and I also don’t want to create awkwardness since this started at my workplace. 

 

So I would really love to know everyone's feedback on what they make of her demeanor? Does she seem uninterested or am I just overthinking everything? What is the best move here? I'm thinking I should probably stop texting completely until she reaches out to me herself to offer a day/time. And if she doesn't reach out, then I have my answer, unfortunately. 

Edited March 27 by spideyfan300

[Gebidozo]

First of all, there were no “signs” when you first talked. She enjoyed a friendly conversation with you. There was nothing wrong in asking her out for coffee afterwards, but I don’t know what exactly you expected.

Second, you said no to Thursday and she said no to Saturday. I don’t see what the problem is. You were busy on one day, she was busy on another day. No conclusions can be possibly made based on this information. Just reschedule the coffee meeting for another day.

[Sony12]

While it sounds like you two enjoy chatting together it doesn't sound like your schedules are very compatible and neither one of you seem like you are willing to go out if your way to set something up. 

Setting up a first date or meet shouldn't be difficult if both parties are truly interested in making it happen. If it is challenging that is often a sign that it isn't meant to be at least right now. Maybe sometime down the road it might be feasible but not currently.

[introverted1]

I think any time it takes multiple paragraphs to describe interactions, odds are there is no romantic interest.

I don't say that to be flippant. Interested people act interested.  People who give go/stop signals are typically not interested. 

[spideyfan300]

10 hours ago, Sony12 said:

While it sounds like you two enjoy chatting together it doesn't sound like your schedules are very compatible and neither one of you seem like you are willing to go out if your way to set something up. 

Setting up a first date or meet shouldn't be difficult if both parties are truly interested in making it happen. If it is challenging that is often a sign that it isn't meant to be at least right now. Maybe sometime down the road it might be feasible but not currently.

I'm thinking of giving one last nudge tomorrow or Monday. Do you think thats a good idea, or nah? 

[Sony12]

7 minutes ago, spideyfan300 said:

I'm thinking of giving one last nudge tomorrow or Monday. Do you think thats a good idea, or nah? 

If it will make you feel better give it one more chance but don't expect much from it. Make sure it will be the last time though because what you don't want to do is start annoying her and begin making her think that you don't know when to stop. A lot of people don't like rejecting people to their face so for many their unresponsive nature is their answer.

[FredEire]

In short, from her behaviour no it does not sound like shes interested. Maybe in a friendship.

But seriously the amount of posts on here trying to decode some basic interactions is wild. It may be more difficult for some individuals on the spectrum etc but barring that just go with your gut, its generally a good guide.

Either way none of this really become relevant until you actually get out on a date. If the date doesnt happen or its really hard to find a day that works theres your answer right there.

[spideyfan300]

2 hours ago, FredEire said:

In short, from her behaviour no it does not sound like shes interested. Maybe in a friendship.

But seriously the amount of posts on here trying to decode some basic interactions is wild. It may be more difficult for some individuals on the spectrum etc but barring that just go with your gut, its generally a good guide.

Either way none of this really become relevant until you actually get out on a date. If the date doesnt happen or its really hard to find a day that works theres your answer right there.

Not gonna lie I forgot I made this post lol

 

We actually did go on the coffee date this past Monday and I think it went well, she didnt look at her phone for the first 2 hours, laughed alot, and was pretty loud at times when talking about things she's passionate in. Now I'm just trying to lock in date #2, which was gonna be today but got canceled due to a migraine. Im probably just gonna take this slow since its Easter weekend and too early to tell if its a slow fade or not.

[Sony12]

1 hour ago, spideyfan300 said:

Not gonna lie I forgot I made this post lol

 

We actually did go on the coffee date this past Monday and I think it went well, she didnt look at her phone for the first 2 hours, laughed alot, and was pretty loud at times when talking about things she's passionate in. Now I'm just trying to lock in date #2, which was gonna be today but got canceled due to a migraine. Im probably just gonna take this slow since its Easter weekend and too early to tell if its a slow fade or not.

To be honest when you have to try to lock in a date #2 and you begin to hear excuses to cancel without them bringing up a time to reschedule that usually isn't a very promising sign for anything to come of it.

I honestly would just move on at this point. Give it one more attempt but if she continues to come up with excuses to not get together then you should switch focus to someone who is potentially more interested.

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, spideyfan300 said:

Not gonna lie I forgot I made this post lol

 

We actually did go on the coffee date this past Monday and I think it went well, she didnt look at her phone for the first 2 hours, laughed alot, and was pretty loud at times when talking about things she's passionate in. Now I'm just trying to lock in date #2, which was gonna be today but got canceled due to a migraine. Im probably just gonna take this slow since its Easter weekend and too early to tell if its a slow fade or not.

Thats good!

Are you sure it was a date though or was it more of a friendly vibe?

Usually you can read these things if you are honest with yourself. Trust your gut as I said in the first post, and be open to the possibility that she may see it more as a friendship.

Its no great loss either way, just an experience. It helps to lower the stakes and think of it that way, plus its a more attractive attitude in general.

[spideyfan300]

31 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

To be honest when you have to try to lock in a date #2 and you begin to hear excuses to cancel without them bringing up a time to reschedule that usually isn't a very promising sign for anything to come of it.

I honestly would just move on at this point. Give it one more attempt but if she continues to come up with excuses to not get together then you should switch focus to someone who is potentially more interested.

Honestly speaking trying to get date #1 wasn't exactly easy either. As I stated prior, the two days I initially mentioned didnt work so I let it be for like 4 days, then got back to her on Sunday asking if she was still down and she literally responded with "any day works for me ". I gave her time to "miss me" and look what happened!

 

So to be completely blunt I dont think you're right at all or that there's any disinterest or really anything wrong where im at rn. Its just up to her to make some sort of effort now even if its just rescheduling. It is the easter holiday weekend after all, so i shouldn't expect much this weekend.

 

I'm confident I'll hear from her again soon & even if I dont, I'll see her at work come Monday or Tuesday since she babysits & brings the children she babysits to the library (where i work) 2-3x a week. Time will tell whether this dissipates or not

Edited yesterday at 07:05 PM by spideyfan300

[spideyfan300]

25 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Thats good!

Are you sure it was a date though or was it more of a friendly vibe?

Usually you can read these things if you are honest with yourself. Trust your gut as I said in the first post, and be open to the possibility that she may see it more as a friendship.

Its no great loss either way, just an experience. It helps to lower the stakes and think of it that way, plus its a more attractive attitude in general.

I honestly just sort of assumed grabbing coffee with someone with the opposite gender could technically be considered a date. 

 

And I'm not entirely too sure if im gonna be honest with you. It's all friendly and surface-level right now but isnt that how early dating typically goes? Isn't it supposed to take a few dates for romantic intent to make itself evident? But yeah, im definitely treating it as a developing friendship at this current point.

 

From here on all I can really do is see if she reschedules the next time I see her. If she does, it means that she wants to spend more time with me which basically = interest on some level. If she doesnt, then well thats that then 

[Sony12]

57 minutes ago, spideyfan300 said:

Honestly speaking trying to get date #1 wasn't exactly easy either. As I stated prior, the two days I initially mentioned didnt work so I let it be for like 4 days, then got back to her on Sunday asking if she was still down and she literally responded with "any day works for me ". I gave her time to "miss me" and look what happened!

 

So to be completely blunt I dont think you're right at all or that there's any disinterest or really anything wrong where im at rn. Its just up to her to make some sort of effort now even if its just rescheduling. It is the easter holiday weekend after all, so i shouldn't expect much this weekend.

 

I'm confident I'll hear from her again soon & even if I dont, I'll see her at work come Monday or Tuesday since she babysits & brings the children she babysits to the library (where i work) 2-3x a week. Time will tell whether this dissipates or not

Do what you wish but remember setting up dates isn't difficult when both individuals are interested in one another and willing to make time for each other.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Sony12 said:

Do what you wish but remember setting up dates isn't difficult when both individuals are interested in one another and willing to make time for each other.

Woman here, and I couldn't agree more. 

When it's difficult to get to lift-off, so to speak, it's not a great sign for a possible romance. 

[FredEire]

17 hours ago, spideyfan300 said:

I honestly just sort of assumed grabbing coffee with someone with the opposite gender could technically be considered a date. 

 

And I'm not entirely too sure if im gonna be honest with you. It's all friendly and surface-level right now but isnt that how early dating typically goes? Isn't it supposed to take a few dates for romantic intent to make itself evident? But yeah, im definitely treating it as a developing friendship at this current point.

 

From here on all I can really do is see if she reschedules the next time I see her. If she does, it means that she wants to spend more time with me which basically = interest on some level. If she doesnt, then well thats that then 

You'd better reassess this attitude because it absolutely can't just be assumed to be a date, it often isn't.

As for the second point I'd have to say no, it usually isn't. If there's romantic possibilities both people will probably want to make that happen one way or another. A coffee date usually isnt going to be fireworks but if its leading in that direction, there would usually be some sense its leading in that direction.

I would say though that theres nothing all that wrong about making a friend. A lot of guys get infatuated quickly and get devastated and flip a bit when it turns out she was thinking platonically. If it turned out she does just want to hang out she could end up inviting you to an event and you could hit it off with one of her friends for example, I've seen this happen with guys who were just chill and cool with any outcome.

So I'd say absolutely see her again if you want to, but read the room and be prepared for any outcome.

[Sony12]

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Woman here, and I couldn't agree more. 

When it's difficult to get to lift-off, so to speak, it's not a great sign for a possible romance. 

Yep. I am getting the impression though that the OP doesn't have much experience interacting with women within dating or romantic scenarios. Some of the things he's said makes me think he's never been out on many dates before.

[spideyfan300]

Or maybe you should stop acting like a know-it-all about this situation and accept that nuance is a thing in early dating. Especially when dealing with someone who works 2 jobs & has a hectic schedule because of it, that's going to make scheduling anything difficult. I didnt realize it but i was asking to hang out on her work days at first, which is exactly why those days didnt work. Also you dont accept someone's invitation to coffee & text them an hour after getting their number, or talk their ears off for 2 hours without ever checking their phone if there isnt some sort of borderline interest. While I understand that things are platonic right now, the general intent in doing all of this literally cannot be clearer.

 

I came here simply to ask for advice on moving forward and instead you make assinine assumptions about me, who actually just got out of an intense 3+ year relationship earlier in the year & had many others before it. This is just my first rodeo with a dating scenario that is slow-building, as I got into relationships pretty quickly in the past. This is the first time I'm slowly building something with someone which yes is new to me. But please do me a favor and refrain from making ridiculous assumptions about me. Thanks.

Edited 5 hours ago by spideyfan300

[Sony12]

8 minutes ago, spideyfan300 said:

Or maybe you should stop acting like a know-it-all about this situation and accept that nuance is a thing in early dating. Especially when dealing with someone who works 2 jobs & has a hectic schedule because of it, that's going to make scheduling anything difficult. I didnt realize it but i was asking to hang out on her work days at first, which is exactly why those days didnt work. Also you dont accept someone's invitation to coffee & text them an hour after getting their number, or talk their ears off for 2 hours without ever checking their phone if there isnt some sort of borderline interest. While I understand that things are platonic right now, the general intent in doing all of this literally cannot be clearer.

 

I came here simply to ask for advice on moving forward and instead you make assinine assumptions about me, who actually just got out of an intense 3+ year relationship earlier in the year & had many others before it. This is just my first rodeo with a dating scenario that is slow-building, as I got into relationships pretty quickly in the past. This is the first time I'm slowly building something with someone which yes is new to me. But please do me a favor and refrain from making ridiculous assumptions about me. Thanks.

Well again do what you wish but remember whenever there is mutual interest scheduling dates isn't difficult. And if you are going to get offended by people saying things that you may not like then advice sites probably aren't the best thing for you to look at. Many people feel like being somewhat critical at times is the best way people learn.

[flitzanu]

you can solve this issue really simply if you ask her on a specified date.

don't ask her to hang out or whatever words you used, literally say "i would like to take you out on a date, would you like to go to dinner with me on xx day/night at xx time"

you'll get your answer on what level of interest is there.