Mr

[hhddh5050]

I (24M) have really been struggling with a breakup that occurred just over 3 weeks ago.

We were together for 5 1/2 years and really were the “it” relationship in our circles. We rarely ever argued and always had a healthy approach to any problems or disagreements in our life. I never doubted our love and commitment to each other as we had survived long distance at university and always talked about future plans (marriage, children etc).
 

Just 4 days before she broke up with me we had booked a very expensive dream trip abroad and she had also recently got me a Valentine’s Day card calling me her husband and reaffirming her commitment to me. 

 

2 days before she broke up with me she went out for work drinks as she usually does on a Thursday. She didn’t wish me goodnight as usual and stayed around a friends but this wasn’t something completely out of the ordinary. The next day her texts were very distant and I asked her if everything was ok to which she replied that I had done nothing wrong and that she was just feeling hungover/a bit sad. I said we would talk about it when the next day and the same night she went to a friends house to which she said she opened up about her feelings to her.

 

The evening of the next day I show up to her house with chocolates and flowers as she said she was feeling down. I spoke with her parents briefly and everything seemed normal until I went into her room and could see she looked devastated. I asked her what was wrong and she asked if we could talk after dinner. This kind of took me a back so i asked her if she was going to break up with me and she said she didn’t know. We both burst into floods of tears to which she told me how she hasn’t felt the same recently and felt we had been growing distant and could no longer act like everything was normal. I begged her to work through things but she said she couldn’t promise anything as she didn’t know why she was feeling this way and didn’t want to give me false hope. I was obviously devastated and left her place pretty quickly as it was all too much to take. 

She messages me later saying how heartbroken she is and how she wishes she doesn’t feel this way and wanted another chance to talk. We met again and she explained how she felt we lost our spark and that she doesn’t know why and wanted time alone to reflect on what she wants from a relationship. She said her feelings were making her scared of commitment and how she needed time to be single and outside of a relationship. I still wasn’t given a reason as to why we lost feelings but will say that our relationship had become less intimate and close in the past few months. This was never communicated to me as an issue and I just saw it as a result of various life factors (trips with friends work etc.). It also wasn’t something that I don’t believe we couldn’t work on. 
 

she ultimately said she doesn’t know how she may feel in a few months and may regret this decision but feels she is right in wanting time and space and didn’t want me to wait in hope she may want us back. I’m obviously heartbroken and confused but caught in this awful place between hoping after a few months she will realise what we had and reach out but also the need to move on.

[LoveQ]

Sorry to hear you're going through that. Breakups are terrible, but they are also a great chance to work on yourself and evolve as a person. No matter how corny that sounds, it's very true, and this is your chance to shine.

Now, I'm seeing a few things here. Most of the relationships fail because one side loses attraction for the other side; that's almost always the case. What happens after depends on what the person is like and what they will do with that lack of attraction. Some monkey branch to another person, some cheat and then decide to leave, and some just leave after being distant.

Don't think this just happened in two days. She was thinking about it for quite some time, weighing the options and closely monitoring your behaviour. Ultimately, her attraction fell low enough for her to leave you. I've seen people get engaged, and in a week, the partner says it's not working anymore and leaves. Spur of the moment decision, like her calling you her husband, does not mean she was madly in love; it just means she likely wasn't ready to have that conversation with you yet and decided to go with the flow. It's a very stressful decision, and most people just postpone it as much as they can.

Now, something definitely happened at that work drink. Either she cheated, or she confided in her colleagues about your relationship, and they told her to leave you.

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She didn’t wish me goodnight as usual and stayed around a friends but this wasn’t something completely out of the ordinary.

 

 

 

A pattern break is usually a bad sign. If she always wishes you a good night and suddenly she didn't, then comes home distant, that means the work drink was definitely something that she planned and was the deciding factor for your relationship. Forgetting to wish you good night could either mean she was already starting to disassociate from you in her head, or was really stressed about breaking up with you, so she forgot.

Remember, when a person is walking a tight rope, one light push is enough for them to fall down. In the case of relationships, when a person is weighing the options to leave their partner, one light comment from their friends is enough for them to make the decision to break up with their partner. I've seen it in numerous cases. You're indecisive about staying in a relationship, you talk to your friends, they tell you to leave that person and give you the reason why, and suddenly you arrive at the decision that you DO want to break up with them.

 

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We both burst into floods of tears to which she told me how she hasn’t felt the same recently and felt we had been growing distant and could no longer act like everything was normal. I begged her to work through things but she said she couldn’t promise anything as she didn’t know why she was feeling this way and didn’t want to give me false hope. I was obviously devastated and left her place pretty quickly as it was all too much to take. 

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She messages me later saying how heartbroken she is and how she wishes she doesn’t feel this way and wanted another chance to talk. We met again and she explained how she felt we lost our spark and that she doesn’t know why and wanted time alone to reflect on what she wants from a relationship. She said her feelings were making her scared of commitment and how she needed time to be single and outside of a relationship. I still wasn’t given a reason as to why we lost feelings but will say that our relationship had become less intimate and close in the past few months. This was never communicated to me as an issue and I just saw it as a result of various life factors (trips with friends work etc.). It also wasn’t something that I don’t believe we couldn’t work on. 
 

she ultimately said she doesn’t know how she may feel in a few months and may regret this decision but feels she is right in wanting time and space and didn’t want me to wait in hope she may want us back. I’m obviously heartbroken and confused but caught in this awful place between hoping after a few months she will realise what we had and reach out but also the need to move on.

 

Yes, she lost attraction as I said above, and it came to the point where she couldn't take it anymore. The "time alone to reflect on what she wants from a relationship" is probably bullshit; she just wants to go out, have fun, maybe date around to see if she likes it more and then decide what to do with you. It was a 5-year relationship. By this point, she should already know what she wants from a relationship; calling you her husband a couple of days before that just proves even more that it is bullshit.

Do not hold on to hope, as that is a recipe for disaster. This is a perfect chance for you to show her what she is missing. I know it's hard, trust me. Being heartbroken is the second worst thing ever, first being losing a parent. I always hated when somebody used to give me advice to move on and work on myself when I was younger, but after spending years in psychology, reading about relationships, working in that field and testing things, I realised that it is true. Go out, have fun with people close to you, learn a new hobby, learn a new skill, concentrate on your work and do NOT reach out.

She is the one who wanted this breakup, not you. Ergo, this relationship is not on your terms anymore. Whenever a relationship is not on your terms, you distance yourself. Let her know that if she changes her mind, she can contact you, and do not text her again for any reason whatsoever. She lost attraction, so you need to build that attraction again. Ironically, that distance and you putting your foot down, being ready to walk away, is exactly what's going to get her attraction back up. You texting her and smothering her won't.

One last thing. Dumpees always think that dumpers don't care about them, and hence, you get comments like: "Look how happy they are. I can't believe they already forgot about me."

But that is not true at all. Dumpers are also sad, but they hold the power at that moment. They are confused, so they do things out of the ordinary, like changing a haircut, trying out a new style, etc. It's that adrenaline phase, they are free to do what they want. During that phase, they are also, no matter how hard it is to believe that, keeping an eye on you and seeing if you've changed and if you've become more attractive.

That adrenaline phase stops after a few months, and then they truly put everything on the table and decide whether to try again, or they love life more without you. If, in that time, you were smothering them, chasing them and texting them, then you know what they will decide. If you left them alone, worked on yourself and became a better version of yourself, you've increased your chances.

Best of luck.

Edited 8 hours ago by LoveQ

[hhddh5050]

Thanks that means a lot. 
 

yeah ultimately I think we did become a bit complacent towards the end in the sense we were almost like roommates and losing our closeness meant she no longer wanted to be with me. It sucks this was never communicated to me but yeah it’s done now and I have to move on

[LoveQ]

11 minutes ago, hhddh5050 said:

Thanks that means a lot. 
 

yeah ultimately I think we did become a bit complacent towards the end in the sense we were almost like roommates and losing our closeness meant she no longer wanted to be with me. It sucks this was never communicated to me but yeah it’s done now and I have to move on

Your job as a man in a relationship is to always keep the spark going. Let me clarify, both partners need to do that, but women in relationships will leave the reins in your hands and go with the flow. It's on you to decide what you do with those reins. In this case, you became complacent, and she lost attraction for you. Most men become complacent. My friend recently broke up with his long-term fiancée the same way. He started to play video games, sit around the house doing nothing and just go to work. Whereas before he was doing sports, running, eating healthy, etc.

So this is a good lesson for the future. Be it with that same girl or with another girl. Always be on your toes and work on yourself. I think women are more important than men, because if there were no women, we would get way more complacent, and we would essentially be like children. Women do stuff like this to tell us, "You've become no different from a toddler. Wake up and change." Breakup is the ultimate people changer.

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds like something happened on that night out and she realized she couldn't in good faith continue the relationship. 

I'm sorry. 

 

[flitzanu]

4 hours ago, hhddh5050 said:

She said her feelings were making her scared of commitment and how she needed time to be single and outside of a relationship.

this is the standard line that everyone uses.  she wants to be single so she can see other people.

time to cut ties and block her and let her have that.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, flitzanu said:

she wants to be single so she can see other people.

Yes, unfortunately, this is likely the case.

I would wager that she's got her eye on someone or crossed a line with someone on her night out. OP, to be fair, you were quite young when you two started dating. I have been where you are and this is often what happens when one person outgrows the relationship. It really hurts, I realize, but it's also quite normal that such relationships have an expiration date.