First serious relationship, feeling inexperienced and behind.

[IhaveNoanswer]

Hi everyone,

I’d really appreciate some honest perspectives because I’m feeling a bit conflicted right now.

I’m 23M and have been dating a girl (almost 20) for about 2.5 months. We met on Tinder, and both of us wanted something serious from the start. Things are going really well — we communicate openly, I genuinely like her a lot, and I enjoy spending time with her emotionally and physically.

Here’s the background that’s making me unsure: I have almost no prior dating or relationship experience. I’ve always been on the shy side and never took initiative, so this is basically my first real experience with a relationship or dating in general. She, on the other hand, has had several relationships already. That doesn’t bother me in itself, but knowing this has made me feel like I’m “behind” or that I’ve missed out on experiences.

I’m starting to question a few things:

• Are my feelings for her genuinely about her as a person, or are they partly because all of this is new to me (intimacy, closeness, etc.)?
• Could it happen that I commit to a relationship now, and later feel the need to “explore” because I lack experience?

She actually brought this up herself, and I couldn’t honestly say it’s impossible.

This puts me in a tricky spot: on one hand, I really don’t want to lose what we have because it feels special and meaningful. On the other hand, I’m afraid of committing too early and possibly regretting it later. I also tend to overthink things and feel like I need to be “sure” before making decisions, which probably makes it harder.

One important thing to know about me is that I don’t date casually or just for the sake of being in a relationship. I approach dating with marriage in mind, which is why I’ve turned down dating opportunities in the past. Lately, I find myself wondering if that was the right choice. 

The thing is, I feel like if I had more prior experience, I might be able to see more clearly whether I genuinely want this relationship or if I’m drawn to it simply because it’s my first real one.

You often hear that the things people regret most in life are the things they didn’t do, not the things they did. But in my case, I keep wondering: would I regret not entering this relationship, or would I regret not gaining more experiences beforehand?

I’d really like to hear from anyone who’s been in a similar situation:

• Is it normal to feel “behind” like this?
• How can I tell if my feelings are genuine or just influenced by inexperience?
• Has anyone regretted committing “too early,” or on the flip side, regretted not committing?
• We have very open and honest communication, and I want her to understand where I’m coming from and the doubts I have. At the same time, I’m worried about hurting her, so I’m not sure how to approach this or what I should share versus keep to myself.

I really appreciate honest perspectives. Thanks!

[Gebidozo]

It is absolutely normal even for older people with much more experience than you to feel “behind”.

At age 23, having your first relationship, it would have actually been a surprise if you did not feel “behind” when pondering whether this relationship will be for life.

In my opinion, marriages where at least one of the partners is young and / or inexperienced almost never work.

I think you should stop having such expectations from a relationship that has only been going on for 2.5 months. It’s way too early to think about lifelong commitment or marriage at this point.

 

 

 

[Sony12]

Yes you are getting way ahead of yourself given both of your ages. Neither of you will truly know if you want to get married or not for probably another year or two. As you said you are still in the phase where you are enjoying the intimacy. There will come a point where the intimacy begins to become a been there done that type of situation and it will be at that point when you find out how much you truly care about one another.

Your relationship may continue to grow but it's also just as likely at this point that a few months from now you two won't even be talking because you found too many things out about each other that you just don't like very much.

Just give it time. 

[IhaveNoanswer]

Thanks for the replies.

Just to clarify: I’m not thinking about marrying her or anything like that right now. I know 3 months is way too early for that.

What I meant is that I generally don’t date casually — I only date someone if I can at least imagine it could turn into something long-term. But I’m aware that this can change over time and isn’t something you can know early on.

[Sony12]

There technically isn't anything wrong with dating casually. People usually just advise not to do it because often it implies having hook-ups, one night stands, casual sex.....etc.....etc....Those are the reasons people try to say it's not a good thing to do.

Going on dates and getting to know people is a good thing and it doesn't mean you have to be promiscuous.

[flitzanu]

you said this is your first relationship, but you also keep saying you don't date casually.

this sounds contradictory, so which is it, you've never dated before, or you have?

regardless, this part:

Could it happen that I commit to a relationship now, and later feel the need to “explore” because I lack experience?

*this can be true at any age and any experience level.  you could be with someone for a decade and wake up one day and feel the need to explore.

[FredEire]

The answers to both your questions are a mix of "maybe" and "it depends".

The thing is you just can't know about the future. If you really like her and are happy right now to be in a relationship with here, just keep going and focus on enjoying the present.

Everything you worry about may happen, or it won't. Often its something completely different. That's the thing about the future, we can't know it so while it's best to plan for things in the immediate future and do our best, worrying about it is pointless.

It sounds like you're doing fine, don't be too hard on yourself.

[Sanch62]

11 hours ago, IhaveNoanswer said:

• Is it normal to feel “behind” like this?

Nobody is 'behind' anyone else; we're all equal humans who just have different degrees of experiences with different things. There is no grading bar on dating or relationships.

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• How can I tell if my feelings are genuine or just influenced by inexperience?

Nobody knows this. Feelings aren't facts; they're emotions. You can enjoy the intensity without making any declarations or decisions you don't feel ready for. Just flow...

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• Has anyone regretted committing “too early,” or on the flip side, regretted not committing?

Of course, lots of people commit prematurely. It's not tragic, it's a discovery. While breakups aren't fun or easy, they are also common and survivable. Even divorces aren't the end of the world.

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We have very open and honest communication, and I want her to understand where I’m coming from and the doubts I have. At the same time, I’m worried about hurting her, so I’m not sure how to approach this or what I should share versus keep to myself.

It's not necessary or even beneficial to talk through every doubt with the person you're having doubts about. Take those convo's to a neutral friend, family member, counselor, or clergy until you gain some clarity.

Fear of making a mistake is something we all contend with. Some of us are more or less risk-averse than others. But perfectionistic standards in trying to explore your own natural development can become a barrier to learning, and it can result in stagnation and a lack of joy and curiosity.

Congrats on meeting a great person. EnjOy!

[FredEire]

13 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

Nobody is 'behind' anyone else; we're all equal humans who just have different degrees of experiences with different things. There is no grading bar on dating or relationships.

Nobody knows this. Feelings aren't facts; they're emotions. You can enjoy the intensity without making any declarations or decisions you don't feel ready for. Just flow...

Of course, lots of people commit prematurely. It's not tragic, it's a discovery. While breakups aren't fun or easy, they are also common and survivable. Even divorces aren't the end of the world.

It's not necessary or even beneficial to talk through every doubt with the person you're having doubts about. Take those convo's to a neutral friend, family member, counselor, or clergy until you gain some clarity.

Fear of making a mistake is something we all contend with. Some of us are more or less risk-averse than others. But perfectionistic standards in trying to explore your own natural development can become a barrier to learning, and it can result in stagnation and a lack of joy and curiosity.

Congrats on meeting a great person. EnjOy!

Something I found helpful to thing about in terms of being "behind" is that some people build the idyllic life in their 20s and 30s. Have the dream partner, job, family and it all falls apart in their 40s and 50s with a divorce, losing their jobs, financial struggles etc. Are those people "ahead" or "behind". Really they are experiences lifes struggles in a different was to someone in their 40s who is still unmarried, for example.

Even if you do things "perfectly" it can end up in hardship, so really there is no use in worrying about being behind.

[ShyViolet]

On 3/20/2026 at 6:29 AM, IhaveNoanswer said:

,Could it happen that I commit to a relationship now, and later feel the need to “explore” because I lack experience?

 

Yes, this could definitely happen.  It would not be normal to end up marrying the first and only person you have ever been with.  That wouldn't be a good thing.  You will probably want to explore the dating world at some point.

You have only been dating her for 2.5 months.  You barely know each other and at this point in a relationship it's just about getting to know each other so you find out whether you are compatible for a longer term and more serious relationship.  That's all.

On 3/20/2026 at 6:29 AM, IhaveNoanswer said:

The thing is, I feel like if I had more prior experience, I might be able to see more clearly whether I genuinely want this relationship or if I’m drawn to it simply because it’s my first real one.

How do you actually feel about her?  Do you feel excited to see her, are you attracted to her, do you look forward to your dates?  Or are you not feeling sure about this girl?

 

On 3/20/2026 at 6:29 AM, IhaveNoanswer said:

I approach dating with marriage in mind, which is why I’ve turned down dating opportunities in the past. Lately, I find myself wondering if that was the right choice. 

You shouldn't be approaching dating "with marriage in mind."  This is problematic.  You can't possibly know whether someone is marriage material when you have first met them and barely know them.  The whole point of early dating is to get to know people so you can find out whether this is someone you would be compatible for a longer term relationship.  And it takes time to find that out.

[FredEire]

5 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Yes, this could definitely happen.  It would not be normal to end up marrying the first and only person you have ever been with.  That wouldn't be a good thing.  You will probably want to explore the dating world at some point.

You have only been dating her for 2.5 months.  You barely know each other and at this point in a relationship it's just about getting to know each other so you find out whether you are compatible for a longer term and more serious relationship.  That's all.

How do you actually feel about her?  Do you feel excited to see her, are you attracted to her, do you look forward to your dates?  Or are you not feeling sure about this girl?

 

You shouldn't be approaching dating "with marriage in mind."  This is problematic.  You can't possibly know whether someone is marriage material when you have first met them and barely know them.  The whole point of early dating is to get to know people so you can find out whether this is someone you would be compatible for a longer term relationship.  And it takes time to find that out.

I'd push back on the idea that it "wouldn't be a good thing" to marry the first person you are with and you have to "explore". The norm no, but that doesnt mean that you can't have a happy long term relationship with your first serious partner. If it works it works, it doesn't matter if its your first or 50th romantic partner.

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, FredEire said:

I'd push back on the idea that it "wouldn't be a good thing" to marry the first person you are with and you have to "explore". 

I'm not saying it's impossible to marry the only person you've been with and for the marriage to be successful.  I know it does happen, especially in more traditional cultures.  But in today's world it does seem like a bad idea and I definitely believe it would lead to a higher chance that the person would eventually feel that they've missed out on a lot and start to want something else.  I believe the marriage would have a higher risk of failure.  Experiencing dating different people teaches you about yourself and about life.  And the fact that the OP has already said that he's wondering if he would feel the "need to explore" if he commits to this relationship, the fact that he's even saying that now, shows that marrying the first person he's been with would probably be a bad idea.

[Gebidozo]

12 hours ago, FredEire said:

I'd push back on the idea that it "wouldn't be a good thing" to marry the first person you are with and you have to "explore". The norm no, but that doesnt mean that you can't have a happy long term relationship with your first serious partner. If it works it works, it doesn't matter if its your first or 50th romantic partner.

It’s definitely possible to have a long term relationship with your first serious partner. I’m not sure that the chances of such a relationship to truly qualify as “happy”  are very high, though.

Generally speaking, the more knowledge you have of any subject, the better are your chances of reaching a high level there. Because you know what’s what and you can actually compare. 

You can be sort of content and satisfied, of course, but it would be a kind of delusion. Like people who passionately argue for some pop hit to be “great music” simply because they haven’t listened to different types of music and are unable to define greatness with more depth and accuracy.

You can see from the threads here how many people literally convince themselves that their relationship is amazing and their partner is great, and then their actual story tells us very clearly that the opposite is true.

And it’s mostly young and inexperienced people that have this tendency to glorify their relationships. Not to say that there are no delusional older and experienced people, but as a rule, the more mature we get, the less likely we are to be blinded by infatuation and substitute reality for ideal.

[Els]

I'm confused. What exactly are you "committing to" here? Is she hinting at getting married or something? Are you planning to move in together? Otherwise, all you are "committing" to is being in a monogamous relationship with this person, and considering the fact that you seem to like her, I'm really not seeing any downside to this.

I also don't understand your question about experience. If you turned down this relationship with her for some reason and started dating around again, you'd still have zero relationship experience. And you will have zero relationship experience until such a time as you get into a relationship. This relationship, on the other hand, is what will actually GIVE you experience. So... how does turning down experience in order to "get more experience" make any sense?

IMO you are taking things way too seriously, especially for your age. Just carry on with her and see how things go. 

[Sanch62]

5 hours ago, Els said:

... all you are "committing" to is being in a monogamous relationship with this person, and considering the fact that you seem to like her, I'm really not seeing any downside to this.

I agree. Unless your culture imposes a strict obligation to marry anyone you date, I don't see a problem with both people opting not to date others while dating one another. That's a small degree of the commitment with low risk beyond learning whether it's a good match for you or not.

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...This relationship ... will actually GIVE you experience. So... how does turning down experience in order to "get more experience" make any sense?

 Exactly. It makes no sense.

[FredEire]

On 3/22/2026 at 2:13 AM, Gebidozo said:

It’s definitely possible to have a long term relationship with your first serious partner. I’m not sure that the chances of such a relationship to truly qualify as “happy”  are very high, though.

Generally speaking, the more knowledge you have of any subject, the better are your chances of reaching a high level there. Because you know what’s what and you can actually compare. 

You can be sort of content and satisfied, of course, but it would be a kind of delusion. Like people who passionately argue for some pop hit to be “great music” simply because they haven’t listened to different types of music and are unable to define greatness with more depth and accuracy.

You can see from the threads here how many people literally convince themselves that their relationship is amazing and their partner is great, and then their actual story tells us very clearly that the opposite is true.

And it’s mostly young and inexperienced people that have this tendency to glorify their relationships. Not to say that there are no delusional older and experienced people, but as a rule, the more mature we get, the less likely we are to be blinded by infatuation and substitute reality for ideal.

I have friends who settled down with their first girlfriend, and stayed with her despite it being clear to everyone around them that it was toxic and not working, probably out of a fear that nobody else would have them.

I also have friends who are in the same situation and while its impossible to be sure from an outside perspective, they seem to have a very loving deep relationship that they have been able to develop a lot because they have been together since they are teenagers.

Is there a thought of "what if" because they have never been with anyone else? Of course, Id be shocked if such couples never asked themselves that question. But I think its wrong to plant a seed in OP's head that this one won't work out because he is young and inexperienced and needs to "play the field" first. Sure, most relationships won't lead to marriage and a long term commitment, thats true in general. But IMO every relationship including a first one should be lived in the moment and if its working well then its working well, there is no need to put a dampener on it for silly reasons such as the fact that on average most first relationships dont work out. Many dont, some do, OP should just let it breathe with an optimistic outlook and see where it goes.