First serious relationship, feeling inexperienced and behind.

[IhaveNoanswer]

Hi everyone,

I’d really appreciate some honest perspectives because I’m feeling a bit conflicted right now.

I’m 23M and have been dating a girl (almost 20) for about 2.5 months. We met on Tinder, and both of us wanted something serious from the start. Things are going really well — we communicate openly, I genuinely like her a lot, and I enjoy spending time with her emotionally and physically.

Here’s the background that’s making me unsure: I have almost no prior dating or relationship experience. I’ve always been on the shy side and never took initiative, so this is basically my first real experience with a relationship or dating in general. She, on the other hand, has had several relationships already. That doesn’t bother me in itself, but knowing this has made me feel like I’m “behind” or that I’ve missed out on experiences.

I’m starting to question a few things:

• Are my feelings for her genuinely about her as a person, or are they partly because all of this is new to me (intimacy, closeness, etc.)?
• Could it happen that I commit to a relationship now, and later feel the need to “explore” because I lack experience?

She actually brought this up herself, and I couldn’t honestly say it’s impossible.

This puts me in a tricky spot: on one hand, I really don’t want to lose what we have because it feels special and meaningful. On the other hand, I’m afraid of committing too early and possibly regretting it later. I also tend to overthink things and feel like I need to be “sure” before making decisions, which probably makes it harder.

One important thing to know about me is that I don’t date casually or just for the sake of being in a relationship. I approach dating with marriage in mind, which is why I’ve turned down dating opportunities in the past. Lately, I find myself wondering if that was the right choice. 

The thing is, I feel like if I had more prior experience, I might be able to see more clearly whether I genuinely want this relationship or if I’m drawn to it simply because it’s my first real one.

You often hear that the things people regret most in life are the things they didn’t do, not the things they did. But in my case, I keep wondering: would I regret not entering this relationship, or would I regret not gaining more experiences beforehand?

I’d really like to hear from anyone who’s been in a similar situation:

• Is it normal to feel “behind” like this?
• How can I tell if my feelings are genuine or just influenced by inexperience?
• Has anyone regretted committing “too early,” or on the flip side, regretted not committing?
• We have very open and honest communication, and I want her to understand where I’m coming from and the doubts I have. At the same time, I’m worried about hurting her, so I’m not sure how to approach this or what I should share versus keep to myself.

I really appreciate honest perspectives. Thanks!

[Gebidozo]

It is absolutely normal even for older people with much more experience than you to feel “behind”.

At age 23, having your first relationship, it would have actually been a surprise if you did not feel “behind” when pondering whether this relationship will be for life.

In my opinion, marriages where at least one of the partners is young and / or inexperienced almost never work.

I think you should stop having such expectations from a relationship that has only been going on for 2.5 months. It’s way too early to think about lifelong commitment or marriage at this point.

 

 

 

[Sony12]

Yes you are getting way ahead of yourself given both of your ages. Neither of you will truly know if you want to get married or not for probably another year or two. As you said you are still in the phase where you are enjoying the intimacy. There will come a point where the intimacy begins to become a been there done that type of situation and it will be at that point when you find out how much you truly care about one another.

Your relationship may continue to grow but it's also just as likely at this point that a few months from now you two won't even be talking because you found too many things out about each other that you just don't like very much.

Just give it time. 

[IhaveNoanswer]

Thanks for the replies.

Just to clarify: I’m not thinking about marrying her or anything like that right now. I know 3 months is way too early for that.

What I meant is that I generally don’t date casually — I only date someone if I can at least imagine it could turn into something long-term. But I’m aware that this can change over time and isn’t something you can know early on.

[Sony12]

There technically isn't anything wrong with dating casually. People usually just advise not to do it because often it implies having hook-ups, one night stands, casual sex.....etc.....etc....Those are the reasons people try to say it's not a good thing to do.

Going on dates and getting to know people is a good thing and it doesn't mean you have to be promiscuous.

[flitzanu]

you said this is your first relationship, but you also keep saying you don't date casually.

this sounds contradictory, so which is it, you've never dated before, or you have?

regardless, this part:

Could it happen that I commit to a relationship now, and later feel the need to “explore” because I lack experience?

*this can be true at any age and any experience level.  you could be with someone for a decade and wake up one day and feel the need to explore.