Why must i be so stupid, so immature? Because it was my first? I feel so stupid

[Sharilina]

My boyfriend broke up with me.He was my first boyfriend my first love. I am 21 he is 25. A complete misunderstanding happened between us something that would have been completely avoid able and easily solve if i wasn't so stupid. He asked for space one weekend and since he had never asked for that during our 2 year relationship and we had a conflict last week i assumed he didn't want to see me because he was angry at me and was keeping a distance. I called him to talk things through and asked if everything is ok between us. 

 

He said not really so my belief that he has something with me grew stronger. He told me he had a tough week and asked him why he didn't communicate anything about his week to meand that i had no idea how his week had gone since he hadn't said anything.He said because he doesn't feel like i understand him. He said he didn't want to meet last weekend either and only did because i asked him and he had something planned with our friends.

 

I got emotional and told him the only thing i want is to be there for him and give him a hug and tell him thay everything is going to be ok but he doesn't want that so i will wait till next weekend. Asked if he at least wanted to see eachother for a few hours but he said no. I told him that he is my strength and i find comfort in the weekend because it's time to see him. I thought i was being thoughtful and trying to solve the problem.

 

 However there was no problem. He didn't have an issue with me at all just wanted time for himself and i had misunderstood that completely. So, i was unintentionally pressuring him and trying to solve a problem that didn't exist. The phone call made him believe thay his needs hurt me and i can't handle his alone time whereas if i had understood that he didn't have an issue with me i wouldn't care giving him space and i wouldn't have cried like an idiot. He stopped eating and sleeping because i made him feel bad. He lost his trust in me, said he doesn't know whether it's worth fighting for someone who brought him to this point and he feels like the more he talks to me the less i understand him( which was true because of the misunderstanding). 

 

We discussed things in person and agreed on some things but the next day he told me that at least if we broke up i would be freed from this and i asked so if you were ok you would break up with me ? He told me this showed that we don't communicate at all and i apologised saying i misunderstandood out of fear and i get what he means i am not an idiot. He said that he will go to a different room and he doesn't want me to talk to him till the next day. I asked him to at least tell me what i did and he said i talked very rudely and i tried to communicate to him that this wasn't the case at all and that he is overwhelmed. He told me done and i said ok but please understand that i really didn't say anything and he said stop and he had a panic attack. 

 

He told me that he had so many plans about us and I destroyed everything and asked why couldn't we be like before, why did I have to bring us to this point and do this to him. He told me it would probably take him weeks to be able to face me in person again. 

 

He broke up with me and said I manipulated him, i never respected him and he despises me. A few months have passed and he found a new girl but I can't move on because he is all i ever wanted. I feel so stupid and think that any other girl wouldn't have made such a stupid mistake.

[Gebidozo]

It sounds like he was looking for an excuse to break up with you.

He’s been probably wanting to do that for a while and made up a reason to make you feel guilty.

I wouldn’t be surprised if that girl he ended up together with had been on his mind before he broke up with you.

Nobody breaks up like this after one case of easily resolved misunderstanding unless they have some other, real motives. 

Please don’t degrade yourself by convincing yourself that he is all you’ve ever wanted. You’re 21, you actually still have no idea what kind of partner you really want, but I assure you it’s not someone like him.

[ExpatInItaly]

25 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I wouldn’t be surprised if that girl he ended up together with had been on his mind before he broke up with you.

Bingo. 

OP, your boyfriend was looking for an exit anyway. Sure, you could have responded more maturely to his request for some space that one weekend but I am quite sure that would not have changed anything. It seemed he was looking for reasons to break up with you and blame you entirely so you wouldn't catch on to the real reason. 

2 hours ago, Sharilina said:

He broke up with me and said I manipulated him, i never respected him and he despises me.

Decent men don't get so nasty when they end a relationship. I don't think you're missing out on much here. 

[Sharilina]

He is not a person who would do something like that to be honest. The thing is he thought that i am someone incapable of giving space and can't stand it and something like that will happen again and he is too afraid of that. I tried to convince him that it won't but he was too vulnerable to be persuaded. Also, with the whole misunderstanding thing that wasn't cleared out because none of us had realised it, things were even more complicated. 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Sharilina said:

He is not a person who would do something like that to be honest. The thing is he thought that i am someone incapable of giving space and can't stand it and something like that will happen again and he is too afraid of that. I tried to convince him that it won't but he was too vulnerable to be persuaded. Also, with the whole misunderstanding thing that wasn't cleared out because none of us had realised it, things were even more complicated. 

I’m sorry, but it looks like you are unable to think clearly about those issues right now.

He definitely guilt-tripped you into blaming yourself out of proportion.

Yes, you should give your partner space when they ask for it, but one instance of failing to do so doesn’t warrant a breakup unless there are other reasons.

Also, saying “I despise you” just shows what kind of person he is. People just don’t say such mean stuff during normal breakups. It’s not like you repeatedly cheated on him with his best friend or something. 

[Acacia98]

4 hours ago, Sharilina said:

He is not a person who would do something like that to be honest. 

Naah... There's something wrong with the story you're telling yourself, Sharilina. Believe me when I say most (if not all) folks with considerable relationship experience would conclude that your ex was not completely honest about what was going on on his end and that he went overboard in trying to make you feel responsible for the end of the relationship.

He wanted to break up with you. Maybe he figured out you weren't compatible, maybe he met someone else, maybe he's not really a long-term-relationship kinda guy. Whatever the case, he wanted to break up, but he didn't want to be the bad guy. So he found a way to convince you that you were the bad guy instead.

I've had someone do something similar to me. I think most of us have. As time goes by and you get more relationship experience, you will realize that you didn't do anything egregious. Perhaps you were human and misunderstood a situation. And if it was the first time that that kind of situation was occurring in your relationship, it makes sense that you didn't know how to interpret it and respond appropriately to it. That's normal, it's expected, and it's human. It's not supposed to change everything in the relationship forever, cause the relationship to end, and leave you walking around with all the guilt and self-blame in the world.

So be kind to yourself. And realize that you don't really know what someone is capable of until they're tired of you and are no longer motivated to play nice. 

Edited 4 hours ago by Acacia98

[flitzanu]

5 hours ago, Sharilina said:

He is not a person who would do something like that to be honest.

you also thought he wasn't the type of person to dump you after a weird misunderstanding, so you shouldn't continue to believe that you actually know anything about what he will or wouldn't do at this point.

 

i agree with the others, this was all just an excuse to break up with you and try to blame it on you.  he was clearly pushing you away and distancing himself but you weren't allowing it and kept pushing to talk to him until he finally told you that he was done with it.  this wasn't an overnight decision, he's wanted to do this for a while.

[stillafool]

He already had his eyes on the new girl when he broke up with you.  He was having a panic attack because it's hard breaking up with someone and you keep pushing to stay together when that is not what he wanted.  That is why he said he despises you.  His weak excuse to break up and let you go should tell you everything you need to know.  I agree that it sounds like he's wanted to break up with you for a while and took that chance to finally end it.  Now he's with someone else.   Just let him go.