Is this even worth it?

[James63]

Every bit of effort I (19M) make ends the same way. I get feelings, I ask,  I get rejected. It seems like a never ending cycle. I've asked out 9 women and of those, one ended up in a first date which led to me getting stood up on the second. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong or if this isn't worth it, but the effort I put in doesn't match the payout. It's gotten to the point that I expect to get rejected when I ask someone out. I'm about to start asking women out not because I want a relationship, but because I want to lose feelings for that person since it's a very effective way to remove them. It feels like I'm trying to light a gas stove and the only thing that happens is the igniter clicks and no flame appears.

Edited 22 hours ago by James63

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, James63 said:

Every bit of effort I (19M) make ends the same way. I get feelings, I ask,  I get rejected. It seems like a never ending cycle. I've asked out 9 women and of those, one ended up in a first date which led to me getting stood up on the second. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong or if this isn't worth it, but the effort I put in doesn't match the payout. It's gotten to the point that I expect to get rejected when I ask someone out. I'm about to start asking women out not because I want a relationship, but because I want to lose feelings for that person since it's a very effective way to remove them. It feels like I'm trying to light a gas stove and the only thing that happens is the igniter clicks and no flame appears.

Slowly read what you just wrote here.

Try to understand why so much of it will be rightfully regarded by any normal woman as a red flag.

In case you can’t figure it out, let me help you:

1) You “get feelings” way too easily. Feelings develop gradually. You can’t have possibly had feelings for 9 women at the age of 19. Women are wary of men who equate the desire to stop being lonely with having real feelings for someone.

2) You view successful romance as “payout” for your “efforts”. Women don’t appreciate this kind of materialistic, self-centered attitude to dating.

3) You expect to get rejected, which points to insecurity and lack of confidence. Women feel that vibe and understandably don’t like it.

4) The part about asking women out not because you want to be with them but because you want to lose “feelings” is alarming. Dating 101: never, ever ask anyone out with ulterior motives. You’ll be driving nails into the coffin of your self-esteem.

Please take a real, lengthy break from your attempts to date and use the time to comprehend and internalize the above. You’re trying way too hard. You sound like you’ll date pretty much anyone who’ll have you. That makes you feel desperate, which is highly unattractive.

 

 

[James63]

22 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Slowly read what you just wrote here.

Try to understand why so much of it will be rightfully regarded by any normal woman as a red flag.

In case you can’t figure it out, let me help you:

1) You “get feelings” way too easily. Feelings develop gradually. You can’t have possibly had feelings for 9 women at the age of 19. Women are wary of men who equate the desire to stop being lonely with having real feelings for someone.

2) You view successful romance as “payout” for your “efforts”. Women don’t appreciate this kind of materialistic, self-centered attitude to dating.

3) You expect to get rejected, which points to insecurity and lack of confidence. Women feel that vibe and understandably don’t like it.

4) The part about asking women out not because you want to be with them but because you want to lose “feelings” is alarming. Dating 101: never, ever ask anyone out with ulterior motives. You’ll be driving nails into the coffin of your self-esteem.

Please take a real, lengthy break from your attempts to date and use the time to comprehend and internalize the above. You’re trying way too hard. You sound like you’ll date pretty much anyone who’ll have you. That makes you feel desperate, which is highly unattractive.

 

 

I tried to commit to celibacy from now until 21 where I would build myself up and make as many friendships as I can. The thing is, I keep having crushes. Also, the 9 women are from when I was 17 to now, not all at 19. Also, is there a difference between getting feelings for someone and having a crush? Because if so, they've all been crushes.

[Gebidozo]

34 minutes ago, James63 said:

I tried to commit to celibacy from now until 21 where I would build myself up and make as many friendships as I can.

I didn’t mean you should be celibate. It’s absolutely your choice and there is nothing wrong with it, but gathering experience is crucial if you want to have more success at dating.

I meant that you shouldn’t be dating seriously while catching feelings way too fast, expecting “rewards” for your efforts, setting yourself up for rejection, and even planning to go on dates in order to stop having feelings.

Let things develop naturally and from a more casual, low-expectation starting point.

 

39 minutes ago, James63 said:

Also, is there a difference between getting feelings for someone and having a crush? Because if so, they've all been crushes.

Yeah, that’s what I figured. So many crushes within 2 years probably means that you’re simply craving for romance and become easily infatuated with people you don’t even know properly.

[James63]

8 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I didn’t mean you should be celibate. It’s absolutely your choice and there is nothing wrong with it, but gathering experience is crucial if you want to have more success at dating.

I meant that you shouldn’t be dating seriously while catching feelings way too fast, expecting “rewards” for your efforts, setting yourself up for rejection, and even planning to go on dates in order to stop having feelings.

Let things develop naturally and from a more casual, low-expectation starting point.

 

Yeah, that’s what I figured. So many crushes within 2 years probably means that you’re simply craving for romance and become easily infatuated with people you don’t even know properly.

So what now? I know you said to take a break, but if I don't do something else to improve I'll end up back where I started.

[FredEire]

You will have far more success if you ask someone out because you already have a good energy with them, than trying to achieve some objective through them, be it sex and/or a relationship.

I think the celibacy idea might be good. I lost my virginity at 21, I was stressed about it at the time but now see it as a good thing. Maybe treat it as celibacy in the sense you are going to put dating aside and focus on using your youthful energy to achieve the maximum of what you want to achieve in other areas of life, but if an interesting girl drops into your life you'll be open to it.

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, James63 said:

So what now? I know you said to take a break, but if I don't do something else to improve I'll end up back where I started.

Start chatting with, spending time with, and getting to know women without having any expectations and any prior crushes on them.