Should I keep going, or is it time to walk away?

[Gebidozo]

33 minutes ago, anonymousteller said:

If she eventually chooses me and we spend the rest of our lives together, wouldn't that make me her true life partner? In that case, wouldn't my actions now be seen as fighting for our future, rather than just being 'disrespectful' to someone who was meant to be a temporary part of her journey?

First of all, there is a big difference between honest fighting and treacherous backstabbing.

Second, the real question here is why would you want to make her your true life partner? She literally told you she needed six months of sex in a bed she shares with her partner to test you for sexual compatibility. Why would you want to be with a person who does that kind of thing?

[anonymousteller]

On 3/29/2026 at 11:12 PM, Sanch62 said:

Well, the time to walk away is long overdue.

You're right, it is long overdue. But as they say, better late than never.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, anonymousteller said:

I understand the saying. But how can you be so sure what the 'prize' will be?

What if the prize at the end of all this isn't a disaster, but finally being with my true love?

I really hope you are not that naive. 

It's way past time for you to grow up, man. 

[anonymousteller]

On 3/31/2026 at 11:35 PM, Gebidozo said:

On 3/31/2026 at 11:26 PM, anonymousteller said:

Actually, Gebidozo... I have decided to walk away.

That’s good.

When I said I decided to 'walk away,' I meant it quite literally. I am walking away from staying in their house because I agree with the members here that it is too risky and disrespectful. So, I’m living in my new private condo 300 meters away from their house.

[anonymousteller]

On 3/31/2026 at 11:43 PM, Gebidozo said:

First of all, there is a big difference between honest fighting and treacherous backstabbing.

Second, the real question here is why would you want to make her your true life partner? She literally told you she needed six months of sex in a bed she shares with her partner to test you for sexual compatibility. Why would you want to be with a person who does that kind of thing?

I admit it. You are right. What we do is dishonest and it's like a backstabbing. We are cowards and liars. I have no excuse for that.

But the reality in my part of Southeast Asia is not simple. It's not just 'break up and move on'. In my country, engagement is a very big thing. Our parents and elders must talk and agree together first. It is a formal social contract between families, not just a promise between two people.

Also, after she engaged, she moved to live with him. Everyone in our town knows they live together and have sex. In our traditional view, if she breaks up now, people will look at her like 'damaged goods' or a 'second-hand woman.' Her reputation will be gone forever.

We met after she already had a fiancé. She thinks I might be her 'true love,' but she must be 100% sure. In my culture, if she leaves him for me and we fail later, she can never go back. Her fiancé and his family will never take her back. She will have nothing—no husband and no dignity.

So this 6-month wait is not for fun or testing sex. It’s for certainty. She is keeping two men at the same time because she is very scared. If she loses both of us, she has no place in society. She wants to be sure about me before she destroys her whole life for me.

[anonymousteller]

On 4/1/2026 at 1:47 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

I really hope you are not that naive. 

It's way past time for you to grow up, man. 

Maybe the behaviors that define 'naive' and 'grow up' in your country and my country are different. But thanks, anyway.

[Gebidozo]

16 minutes ago, anonymousteller said:

In our traditional view, if she breaks up now, people will look at her like 'damaged goods' or a 'second-hand woman.'

A tradition that disrespects, denigrates, and objectifies women or human beings in general to this degree is not something worth keeping. Sooner or later this mindset will die out and humans will regard it as yet another ugly remnant of the past, much like we regard slavery or cannibalism now.

 

21 minutes ago, anonymousteller said:

In my culture, if she leaves him for me and we fail later, she can never go back. Her fiancé and his family will never take her back. She will have nothing—no husband and no dignity.

So this 6-month wait is not for fun or testing sex. It’s for certainty.

If this kind of perverse idea of dignity doesn’t disgust you, then I don’t think there is anything else to say here.

Regardless, it’s astonishing that you’re trying to justify her behavior by appealing to your tradition. Surely you realize that cheating and having sex with two men is an even less traditional behavior than breaking up with a fiancé? Then why the strange mental gymnastics?

[ExpatInItaly]

33 minutes ago, anonymousteller said:

Maybe the behaviors that define 'naive' and 'grow up' in your country and my country are different. But thanks, anyway.

Nah. You're just looking for a convenient excuse to continue your own selfish behaviour. 

[anonymousteller]

On 4/7/2026 at 12:54 AM, Gebidozo said:

A tradition that disrespects, denigrates, and objectifies women or human beings in general to this degree is not something worth keeping. Sooner or later this mindset will die out and humans will regard it as yet another ugly remnant of the past, much like we regard slavery or cannibalism now.

 

If this kind of perverse idea of dignity doesn’t disgust you, then I don’t think there is anything else to say here.

Regardless, it’s astonishing that you’re trying to justify her behavior by appealing to your tradition. Surely you realize that cheating and having sex with two men is an even less traditional behavior than breaking up with a fiancé? Then why the strange mental gymnastics?

I hear you, and honestly, it hurts to read your comments because I agree with you more than you think.

Do you really think I enjoy this? Do you think I want the woman I love to be with two men at the same time? I don’t. I begged her to break up with him first. I wanted a clean start, a 'Western-style' breakup. But she refused. She was terrified of the social fallout and the financial burden on her family.

I am trapped between my love for her and a tradition that I also find suffocating. I am not the mastermind here; I am just a man trying to hold onto someone he loves while everything around him feels like it’s falling apart.

[anonymousteller]

On 4/7/2026 at 1:10 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Nah. You're just looking for a convenient excuse to continue your own selfish behaviour. 

You're absolutely right. I won't even try to deny it anymore. It is selfish behavior.

I accept all your criticism. I know what I'm doing isn't right by any standard. But the truth is simple: I love her, and I'm just not ready to lose her—at least not right now. I'd rather be a selfish man with her than a good man without her.

[ExpatInItaly]

19 minutes ago, anonymousteller said:

But the truth is simple: I love her,

You realize that she doesn't love you though, right? 

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, anonymousteller said:

But the truth is simple: I love her, and I'm just not ready to lose her—at least not right now.

You love the idea of her… It’s hard for you to give up the fantasy you created around this woman and this relationship.

This isn’t love. A woman who truly loves a man doesn’t do this - to either her chosen partner or her affair partner. 

Someday, you will be forced to let this go because the fantasy won’t serve you anymore… the reality of the situation will be too difficult to ignore and it’s going to be painful. You either feel that pain now, when you have the ability to extract yourself with a modicum of self-respect and without wasting more years of your life… or, you wait and let this relationship die it’s natural course. It’s your decision. 

 

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, anonymousteller said:

I begged her to break up with him first. I wanted a clean start, a 'Western-style' breakup. But she refused. She was terrified of the social fallout and the financial burden on her family.

Then she doesn’t really love you.

There are only three possibilities here: 

1) She loves you - in which case she would have broken up with her fiancé.

2) She loves her fiancé - in which case she would have terminated your affair or not started it in the first place.

3) She doesn’t really love either of you but does things for her pleasure and convenience - the actual case…

[Acacia98]

On 4/6/2026 at 8:25 PM, anonymousteller said:

Also, after she engaged, she moved to live with him. Everyone in our town knows they live together and have sex. In our traditional view, if she breaks up now, people will look at her like 'damaged goods' or a 'second-hand woman.' Her reputation will be gone forever.

We met after she already had a fiancé. She thinks I might be her 'true love,' but she must be 100% sure. In my culture, if she leaves him for me and we fail later, she can never go back. Her fiancé and his family will never take her back. She will have nothing—no husband and no dignity.

So this 6-month wait is not for fun or testing sex. It’s for certainty. She is keeping two men at the same time because she is very scared. If she loses both of us, she has no place in society. She wants to be sure about me before she destroys her whole life for me.

I would be inclined to agree with you if, in your culture, it was normal for women who weren't sure about the relationships they were in to cheat on their significant others for 6 months plus while they "figured out" who was right for them. Something tells me that that isn't the case and that, in fact, if she was caught cheating on her significant other, the fall out would be much worse than that associated with simply breaking up with him.

Anyway, I have a suggestion for you. I encourage you to take time off from posting about your experiences and to read as many of the posts in this forum (The Other Man/Woman) as you can. And then, once you've read other people's experiences, do come back and talk to us about what's on your mind.

[anonymousteller]

On 4/13/2026 at 12:47 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

You realize that she doesn't love you though, right? 

I am not sure, because she told me she loved me. But the most important part is that I love her, even if she doesn't love me back.

[anonymousteller]

On 4/13/2026 at 7:24 AM, BaileyB said:

This isn’t love. A woman who truly loves a man doesn’t do this - to either her chosen partner or her affair partner. 

I think you are definitely right. She might be selfish; perhaps she doesn't love me nor her fiancé. Maybe she loves only herself and just needs time to decide which path is best for her future. And what I am doing is giving her that time, to show her that I am her best choice.

[anonymousteller]

On 4/13/2026 at 8:02 AM, Gebidozo said:

Then she doesn’t really love you.

There are only three possibilities here: 

1) She loves you - in which case she would have broken up with her fiancé.

2) She loves her fiancé - in which case she would have terminated your affair or not started it in the first place.

3) She doesn’t really love either of you but does things for her pleasure and convenience - the actual case…

I think your third possibility is the most probable. She might not love me or her fiancé. She is just a girl trying to find the best man she can find—someone who can truly protect her and take care of her for the rest of her life.

[ExpatInItaly]

41 minutes ago, anonymousteller said:

I am not sure, because she told me she loved me.

She's a skilled liar, too. You know this better than anyone. 

31 minutes ago, anonymousteller said:

And what I am doing is giving her that time, to show her that I am her best choice.

No, you're really not. You're showing her you don't have any self-respect. I'm a woman too, and we don't find doormats cute. 

21 minutes ago, anonymousteller said:

She is just a girl trying to find the best man she can find—someone who can truly protect her and take care of her for the rest of her life.

Wrong again. She is a grown woman who is simply having her cake and eating it too. She doesn't need protection or care. She needs to stop acting like a jerk and mistreating people. 

[anonymousteller]

On 4/15/2026 at 8:22 AM, Acacia98 said:

I would be inclined to agree with you if, in your culture, it was normal for women who weren't sure about the relationships they were in to cheat on their significant others for 6 months plus while they "figured out" who was right for them.

To give you more context, I live in a country that was recently ranked with the highest infidelity rate in the world. Our society is built on a complex paradox compared to many others. For example, prostitution is strictly illegal here, yet it can be found in almost every corner. 

We have a strong traditional value of 'purity'—the idea that couples should wait until marriage. But because of this rigid expectation, it leads to a widespread culture of secret affairs, unlike countries where dating and physical intimacy are open parts of a relationship.

Furthermore, unlike many Western cultures where infidelity often leads to divorce, my country has a high rate of infidelity but a low rate of divorce. People prioritize 'saving face' and maintaining social status over personal happiness.

This environment shapes how she makes decisions. She is terrified of making a wrong life decision. In our culture, if she breaks her engagement and things don't work out with me, she becomes 'damaged goods' with no way back. She needs to be 100% sure that I am a better choice and a stable future before she destroys her current security. This 'secret period' is her only way to ensure that stability.

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, anonymousteller said:

I think your third possibility is the most probable. She might not love me or her fiancé. She is just a girl trying to find the best man she can find—someone who can truly protect her and take care of her for the rest of her life.

First, I listed all possibilities in such scenarios for a hypothetical comparison. The only actual possibility in your case is that she doesn’t love anyone.

Second, a woman who doesn’t love either of the men she’s sleeping with but misleads them to believe she does isn’t someone who looks for protection and care, it’s someone who manipulates while seeking their own benefit.

Third, since you have finally understood that she doesn’t love you, the above doesn’t even matter. Break it off and move on.

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, anonymousteller said:

To give you more context, I live in a country that was recently ranked with the highest infidelity rate in the world. Our society is built on a complex paradox compared to many others. For example, prostitution is strictly illegal here, yet it can be found in almost every corner. 

We have a strong traditional value of 'purity'—the idea that couples should wait until marriage. But because of this rigid expectation, it leads to a widespread culture of secret affairs, unlike countries where dating and physical intimacy are open parts of a relationship.

Yes, I’ve already figured out it was Thailand.

What you’re describing is typical patriarchal hypocritical immorality that is sadly still prevalent in many parts of the world. That doesn’t mean that you can’t find a person who’d oppose the system and choose better values to live by.

 

6 hours ago, anonymousteller said:

In our culture, if she breaks her engagement and things don't work out with me, she becomes 'damaged goods' with no way back. She needs to be 100% sure that I am a better choice and a stable future before she destroys her current security. This 'secret period' is her only way to ensure that stability.

Again, you are looking for excuses that would justify her behavior, and again you’re completely missing the point.

Either she truly embraces traditional values - and then she doesn’t cheat.

Or she rejects those values and loves her own life - and then she immediately leaves her fiancé and gets together with you.

Do you realize how ridiculous it sounds when you basically say that she is cheating on her fiancé, sleeping with two guys, and testing her lover for sexual compatibility because she is traditional?

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, anonymousteller said:

She is just a girl trying to find the best man she can find—someone who can truly protect her and take care of her for the rest of her life.

Dude, this isn’t a rom-com. This is your life.

It’s like the famous quote from Notting Hill - “I’m just a girl, standing in front of  boy, asking him to love me…”

You really shouldn’t be volunteering to throw yourself on your sword for a woman who doesn’t even care enough to chose you or be faithful to anyone…