Should I keep going, or is it time to walk away?

[anonymousteller]

On 3/20/2026 at 2:57 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

It's not going to end the way you want. 

You might be right that this won't end the way I want. Honestly, I think about that every day.

[ExpatInItaly]

49 minutes ago, anonymousteller said:

f we waited six months without sex, and she finally left him only to realize later that I couldn't satisfy her needs the way he did, it would be a point of no return.

 This is an astoundingly awful way to treat someone (him) You don't get to sexually test-drive other people while you are in a relationship. 

It's also exceedingly immature. Adults break up with people when the relationship isn't working. They break up before they cheat, and yes, there is a risk they might find out the alternative wasn't great. But you know what? That is what grown-ups do and deal with. The above is just you and her giving yourselves pretty crappy hall passes to keep doing what you are doing. 

42 minutes ago, anonymousteller said:

Why is it better to destroy that world with the truth right now?

You cannot seriously be that clueless. 

 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

28 minutes ago, anonymousteller said:

You might be right that this won't end the way I want. Honestly, I think about that every day.

As you should. That way it won't be such a shock when it all falls apart. 

[anonymousteller]

On 3/20/2026 at 6:13 AM, Acacia98 said:

Look, the fact that there's something wrong with this woman's relationship (there must be; otherwise, she would be doing everything in the world to protect it) is entirely separate from her decision to have regular sex with you. In an ideal world, she would stop sleeping with you and focus on determining whether her relationship was worth salvaging or not. She's not going to die if she stops sleeping with you. You're not going to disappear in a puff of smoke if you stop getting together with her. 

You are right—there is definitely something wrong with their relationship. The problems started when his job moved him away, leaving them together only 2 days a week instead of 7. She was left with a deep void for those 5 days of silence and distance. Having me there is simply the way she chose to fill that void and manage the problems that were already there.

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, anonymousteller said:

In my view, sex is a crucial part of studying someone's character and compatibility. How can she make a life-changing decision to leave a nearly 10-year relationship without knowing if we truly fit together in every aspect, including sex?

If we waited six months without sex, and she finally left him only to realize later that I couldn't satisfy her needs the way he did, it would be a point of no return. To me, this trial period is the only way for her to be 100% sure before she officially ends things.

You appear to be desperately grasping at straws, attempting to justify her behavior with astoundingly unethical remarks.

Yes, sex is a crucial part of studying someone’s character and compatibility, but that study is conducted after having disengaged from the previous relationship.

Doing it methodically and continuously while still being in a relationship with someone else reeks of selfishness, calculated cynicism, and an atrophied moral sense.

 

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, anonymousteller said:

You are right—there is definitely something wrong with their relationship. The problems started when his job moved him away, leaving them together only 2 days a week instead of 7. She was left with a deep void for those 5 days of silence and distance.

And you are seriously consider getting together with a person who can’t handle being alone for 5 days a week and starts cheating in cold blood to “fill the void”?

 

[BaileyB]

19 hours ago, anonymousteller said:

I see it differently. Pain is a feeling, and if he doesn't know anything, he doesn't feel any pain. In his world, he is a happy man with a fiancé he loves. Why is it better to destroy that world with the truth right now?

I think the pain you are talking about is actually what you imagine he would feel because you know the truth. But for him, at this moment, there is no pain. If we wait six months and she stays with him, he will never have to be hurt by any of this. To me, that seems more merciful than causing a mess right away.

If the roles were reversed, how would you feel about staying with a woman who had another relationship with another man. Would you find not “merciful” if they chose to keep the truth of your relationship a secret - the fact that your relationship and your life was not what you assumed it to be… that you did not actually have a faithful and trustworthy partner who was equally committed to building a life and future together?

You can spin this however you like - and clearly you want to - but willfully ignorance is not how I choose to live my life… there is a serious lack of authenticity, integrity, and moral character here. 

Edited March 22 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Would you find not “merciful”

Sorry, I meant to say would you find it merciful? 

[stillafool]

On 3/21/2026 at 3:07 PM, anonymousteller said:

In my view, sex is a crucial part of studying someone's character and compatibility. How can she make a life-changing decision to leave a nearly 10-year relationship without knowing if we truly fit together in every aspect, including sex?

If we waited six months without sex, and she finally left him only to realize later that I couldn't satisfy her needs the way he did, it would be a point of no return. To me, this trial period is the only way for her to be 100% sure before she officially ends things.

Sorry but she already knows you are sexually compatible because she is having sex with you and she obviously likes your character too.  An honest woman would tell her fiancé that she has met someone she has feelings for and that she is going to call off the engagement because she's confused and wants to have time to decide what and who she truly wants.  Not sneak a man in and out of his home and let the other man defile the bed she shares with him.  She obviously cares more for you than she does him.  I can't imagine doing something like that to a man I loved.  Be careful if you do wind up with this woman.

[anonymousteller]

On 3/20/2026 at 6:13 AM, Acacia98 said:

I wonder what you think to yourself when you're alone, OP. If this man came home unexpectedly and found you in his bed, do you realize he could take your lives? And do you realize many people the world over would forgive his violence because they would see your actions as an extreme provocation? Do you really think it's impossible for him to come back mid-week? What if he has to come back home to get some important document? What if he gets time off and decides to surprise his fiance by returning without warning her? Do you understand the gravity of what you're doing? 

I have spent the last week thinking about your warning. Thank you for your concern about our safety. You were right that staying in their house is too risky. There are many variables like surprise visits or forgotten documents that I didn't think about before.

I talked to her about this, and we both agree it is too dangerous. Your words really pushed us to find a safer way.

So, I have already signed a contract for a condo only 300 meters away. Starting next month, she will come to stay with me in my private space instead of staying in their house. Thank you for the reality check.

[anonymousteller]

On 3/22/2026 at 3:06 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Adults break up with people when the relationship isn't working. They break up before they cheat, and yes, there is a risk they might find out the alternative wasn't great. But you know what? That is what grown-ups do and deal with.

Yes, you are right, but it is too late for that, isn't it?

[anonymousteller]

On 3/22/2026 at 7:29 AM, Gebidozo said:

And you are seriously consider getting together with a person who can’t handle being alone for 5 days a week and starts cheating in cold blood to “fill the void”?

"That's why I asked you guys 'Should I keep going, or is it time to walk away?' in the first place.

[anonymousteller]

On 3/22/2026 at 9:22 PM, BaileyB said:

If the roles were reversed, how would you feel about staying with a woman who had another relationship with another man. Would you find it “merciful” if they chose to keep the truth of your relationship a secret - the fact that your relationship and your life was not what you assumed it to be… that you did not actually have a faithful and trustworthy partner who was equally committed to building a life and future together?

To be honest, if the roles were reversed, I wouldn’t find it merciful at all. Because if I were in his position, I wouldn't even know it was happening."

[anonymousteller]

On 3/26/2026 at 3:19 AM, stillafool said:

Sorry but she already knows you are sexually compatible because she is having sex with you and she obviously likes your character too.  An honest woman would tell her fiancé that she has met someone she has feelings for and that she is going to call off the engagement because she's confused and wants to have time to decide what and who she truly wants.  Not sneak a man in and out of his home and let the other man defile the bed she shares with him.  She obviously cares more for you than she does him.  I can't imagine doing something like that to a man I loved.  Be careful if you do wind up with this woman.

Thank you for being so straightforward, stillafool. I truly appreciate the way you broke this down.

Especially your point about her being confused and needing time to decide what and who she truly wants. You’ve captured her current state perfectly. I don’t believe she ever intended to live this double life forever; she is simply lost in her own hesitation and guilt.

Your point about 'defiling the bed' is also the main reason I’ve decided to move into a condo nearby. I couldn't keep living in that shadow anymore.

To your point about not being able to imagine doing this to a man you loved... I know you can't.

And as for your warning to be careful—I will be.

Thank you again for your honesty.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, anonymousteller said:

To be honest, if the roles were reversed, I wouldn’t find it merciful at all. Because if I were in his position, I wouldn't even know it was happening."

I suppose, ignorance is bliss… at least, for you. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, anonymousteller said:

You were right that staying in their house is too risky.

The word that you are looking for is not risky, although that is also true. The word that best describes this decision is “disrespectful.” To her chosen life partner. 
 

1 hour ago, anonymousteller said:

So, I have already signed a contract for a condo only 300 meters away. Starting next month, she will come to stay with me in my private space instead of staying in their house.

Problem solved, I guess. 

Edited 19 hours ago by BaileyB

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, anonymousteller said:

"That's why I asked you guys 'Should I keep going, or is it time to walk away?' in the first place.

And yet, even though all of us tell you “it is time to walk away”, you decide to continue this affair.

It sounds like you aren’t looking for advice. You’re looking for someone to put your conscience at ease by saying what you’re doing is okay.

[ExpatInItaly]

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.