Should I keep going, or is it time to walk away?

[Anonymous]

I am a civil servant in a South East Asian country, and I’m struggling to find a way out.

My family always wanted me to pursue a stable career in the civil service. I took the exam, passed, and was stationed in a city far from home. That was where I met her. We were in the same orientation group for new officers. I was drawn to her from the very first moment, but I soon learned the bittersweet truth: she was already engaged.

She, her fiancé, and I are all outsiders in this city. She and her fiancé met during their first year of university here and have been together for nearly a decade. They built a life together, started a business, bought a house, and lived as husband and wife with plans to marry soon.

Before the wedding, they both decided to seek the stability of government jobs. They both passed, but fate pulled them apart—her fiancé was stationed in another city, while she remained in the city where their home is located.

Now, every Sunday evening, her fiancé drives away to work and returns on Friday nights to spend the weekend with her. I am her colleague. We work in different departments, but a twist of fate allowed us to connect. It started with Line messages, followed by hours-long phone calls during the week when he’s away.

During the weekends, I am a ghost. No calls, no texts—nothing. She is terrified he’ll find out. She only allows emails, which she checks when she's certain she’s alone. But I’ve never sent one. I simply vanish every Saturday and Sunday.

At the office, we are strangers. We never speak in public. Our world only begins after clock-out time, in hidden places where we’re sure no one will recognize us.

Eventually, our secret moved behind closed doors—into the house she shares with him. We began an affair. She insists that both I and her fiancé always use protection, which gives me a fragile sense of security.

It has reached the point where, on weekdays, I live with her in that house. I sleep in the same bed and share the same pillow as her fiancé. It’s a life of one woman and two men, played out in the shadows without his knowledge.

She knows it’s wrong. She tells me she’s lost. She has her fiancé, who has done nothing wrong, and she has me, the newcomer. She has asked for six months to "study" my character before making a final decision.

And through it all—even in our most intimate moments—she never takes off his engagement ring.

Should I keep going, or is it time to walk away?

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Anonymous said:

She has asked for six months to "study" my character before making a final decision

I would have laughed myself right out the door with that one. This morally-bankrupt woman wants to study your character?

You need to wake up, man. She is not leaving her finacé for you. It's clear she is stringing you along and taking incredibly stupid risks bringing you into her house. Imagine what is going to happen if her fiancé finds out - not only to her, but also to you. 

And even if she did leave him? You would not be winning anything. This woman has shown you very clearly she is selfish and dishonest, and not at all trustworthy. You would have to be very naive to think those qualities would not show up in a relationship with you. You need to aim higher and find a better woman who is 100% single. There is no happy ending for you here. 

[anonymousteller]

11 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I would have laughed myself right out the door with that one. This morally-bankrupt woman wants to study your character?

You need to wake up, man. She is not leaving her finacé for you. It's clear she is stringing you along and taking incredibly stupid risks bringing you into her house. Imagine what is going to happen if her fiancé finds out - not only to her, but also to you. 

And even if she did leave him? You would not be winning anything. This woman has shown you very clearly she is selfish and dishonest, and not at all trustworthy. You would have to be very naive to think those qualities would not show up in a relationship with you. You need to aim higher and find a better woman who is 100% single. There is no happy ending for you here. 

I totally agree with you. Your perspective hit me hard because deep down, I’ve been thinking the same thing. If she can do this to a man she’s been with for nearly 10 years, there’s no guarantee she won’t do it to me in the future. I know I’m playing with fire. Thank you for being so blunt; it’s exactly the reality check I need right now.

[ExpatInItaly]

19 minutes ago, anonymousteller said:

If she can do this to a man she’s been with for nearly 10 years, there’s no guarantee she won’t do it to me in the future.

Yes, precisely. 

The fact that she's doing it at all should tell you what sort of character she has. It sounds like you've been blinded by her attention, but from an outside perspective, I can tell you she is not a good person.

If you are wise and would like a happy future with a decent partner, you are going to have to drop this person from your life.  

[Sanch62]

23 hours ago, Anonymous said:

She has asked for six months to "study" my character before making a final decision.

Oh, that's rich. 

Decide whether you want someone who could easily take another man to your bed when your back is turned.

[anonymousteller]

On 3/15/2026 at 2:49 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, precisely. 

The fact that she's doing it at all should tell you what sort of character she has. It sounds like you've been blinded by her attention, but from an outside perspective, I can tell you she is not a good person.

If you are wise and would like a happy future with a decent partner, you are going to have to drop this person from your life.  

Thank you for your kind advice and for being so direct with me. It’s given me a lot to think about regarding my future and the kind of partner I deserve. I appreciate you taking the time to share your perspective.

[anonymousteller]

On 3/15/2026 at 11:43 PM, Sanch62 said:

Oh, that's rich. 

Decide whether you want someone who could easily take another man to your bed when your back is turned.

You’re right. That’s a massive red flag I can't ignore. It definitely changes how I look at her '6-month' request. Thanks for the perspective.

[BaileyB]

On 3/14/2026 at 11:22 AM, Anonymous said:

She has asked for six months to "study" my character before making a final decision.

It’s not her decision whether to be in this relationship or not - it’s yours. As they say, the choice we all make for our life partner is perhaps one of the most important decisions we make in our life. Choose wisely. 
 

On 3/14/2026 at 11:22 AM, Anonymous said:

And through it all—even in our most intimate moments—she never takes off his engagement ring.

That says it all to me - if she wanted to leave him and choose you, she would. The fact that she hasn’t done so tells you everything you need to know about her intentions…

Edited Tuesday at 10:49 PM by BaileyB

[Gebidozo]

While I don’t think that the maxim “if they’ve done it with you they’ll do it to you” can always apply, it’s often the manner of cheating that tells you a lot about the person.

It’s one thing to cheat on your partner due to feelings for another person, withdraw from the relationship, and make a decision as soon as possible.

It’s a rather different thing to keep sleeping with the fiancé and the affair partner in the same bed, assigning a neat alternating weekly schedule to both.

It’s even worse to ask for six months (!) to be able to “evaluate your character” (?). All while continuing to live in an orderly, arranged, premeditated deceit.

Whose character, exactly, needs to be evaluated here? 

[anonymousteller]

12 hours ago, BaileyB said:

That says it all to me - if she wanted to leave him and choose you, she would. The fact that she hasn’t done so tells you everything you need to know about her intentions…

I actually asked her about the ring once. She told me the reason she doesn’t take it off is simply because she’s afraid she might forget to put it back on before her fiancé returns for the weekend. To her, it’s safer to just keep it on all the time so he doesn’t suspect anything.

[anonymousteller]

9 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

While I don’t think that the maxim “if they’ve done it with you they’ll do it to you” can always apply, it’s often the manner of cheating that tells you a lot about the person.

It’s one thing to cheat on your partner due to feelings for another person, withdraw from the relationship, and make a decision as soon as possible.

It’s a rather different thing to keep sleeping with the fiancé and the affair partner in the same bed, assigning a neat alternating weekly schedule to both.

It’s even worse to ask for six months (!) to be able to “evaluate your character” (?). All while continuing to live in an orderly, arranged, premeditated deceit.

Whose character, exactly, needs to be evaluated here? 

I see your point about the neat schedule, but to be fair, she’s in a very difficult position. She didn't want to hurt her fiancé because he hasn't done anything wrong, yet she couldn't ignore the feelings we have for each other. Is it really premeditated deceit if she's just trying to find the least painful way out for everyone? She says she needs these 6 months to be absolutely sure so she doesn't make another mistake. Isn't that a responsible way to handle a messy heart?

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, anonymousteller said:

I see your point about the neat schedule, but to be fair, she’s in a very difficult position. She didn't want to hurt her fiancé because he hasn't done anything wrong, yet she couldn't ignore the feelings we have for each other. Is it really premeditated deceit if she's just trying to find the least painful way out for everyone? She says she needs these 6 months to be absolutely sure so she doesn't make another mistake. Isn't that a responsible way to handle a messy heart?

Of course not.

A responsible way would be either to not cheat at all, confess to the fiancé after the first instance of cheating and stop it, or break up with the fiancé.

She is literally choosing the least responsible way. And of course it’s precisely the premeditated, calculated, ongoing deceit that casts the biggest shadow on her moral integrity.

[anonymousteller]

38 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

confess to the fiancé after the first instance of cheating and stop it

Thank you for your perspective. I’m truly trying to understand the best way out of this. You mentioned that a responsible way would be to confess to the fiancé after the first instance and stop it.

I’ve thought about that, but I’m struggling with the consequences. If he currently has no idea and is still happy in his world, wouldn't immediate confession just cause him sudden, massive pain?

Is it really better to break his heart right away rather than trying to find a quieter, more careful way to end things over time? I'm just worried that a sudden bomb'like that might be more destructive for everyone involved.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, anonymousteller said:

Is it really better to break his heart right away rather than trying to find a quieter, more careful way to end things over time?

Come on, now. This is just her trying to minimize the backlash to herself. And really, she isn't trying to end anything with him. She's just stringing you along so you'll keep playing into her nonsense as long as it suits her. 

8 hours ago, anonymousteller said:

Isn't that a responsible way to handle a messy heart?

Absolutely not. Nothing she is doing remotely qualifies as responsible. 

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, anonymousteller said:

I’ve thought about that, but I’m struggling with the consequences. If he currently has no idea and is still happy in his world, wouldn't immediate confession just cause him sudden, massive pain?

Is it really better to break his heart right away rather than trying to find a quieter, more careful way to end things over time? I'm just worried that a sudden bomb'like that might be more destructive for everyone involved.

What you’re describing is cowardly, selfish behavior hypocritically masquerading as some sort of twisted altruism.

I’m sure you’re a decent person and just blinded by your infatuation with this woman, which is negatively affecting your ethical sense.

[anonymousteller]

22 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And really, she isn't trying to end anything with him. She's just stringing you along so you'll keep playing into her nonsense as long as it suits her. 

Your point about her not truly trying to end things with him is my biggest fear. Deep down, I worry that I’m just a temporary escape for her and that she’ll never actually leave the life they built together.

But as much as that thought haunts me, I find myself completely paralyzed by the happiness I feel when I’m with her right now. There is a level of intimacy and fulfillment we share when we are together that makes it almost impossible for me to walk away today. Even if she’s just 'stringing me along,' the gratification I get from her in the present is so intense that I keep choosing this bliss over the right decision. Am I just a fool for prioritizing how good this feels right now over my own future?

[anonymousteller]

17 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

What you’re describing is cowardly, selfish behavior hypocritically masquerading as some sort of twisted altruism.

I’m sure you’re a decent person and just blinded by your infatuation with this woman, which is negatively affecting your ethical sense.

I can’t even argue with you. Everything you said is true—the cowardice, the selfishness, and the distorted logic I’ve been using to justify staying. You’re right that I’m blinded. It’s reached a point where my reason has completely lost the battle to my cravings.

I know it’s destroying my ethical sense and I hate myself for it. I’ve tried to walk away, I’ve tried to tell myself this has no future, but then the weekday comes and the intimacy we share is so overwhelming that I find myself drawn back every time. The gratification I feel when I’m with her is the only thing that feels real right now, even if I know I’m just heading toward a slow-motion wreck.

[stillafool]

On 3/14/2026 at 12:22 PM, Anonymous said:

She has asked for six months to "study" my character before making a final decision.

It's awfully funny that she didn't say let's wait six months to make a final decision before we have sex, isn't it?  She's more than willing to have sex with you in the bed of the man she promised to marry and be true to while your head lays on his pillow.  She isn't a woman who is worth marrying.  I feel sorry for her fiancé, and I hope he finds out about her character before he makes the biggest mistake of his life.

[BaileyB]

On 3/18/2026 at 5:51 AM, anonymousteller said:

She told me the reason she doesn’t take it off is simply because she’s afraid she might forget to put it back on before her fiancé returns for the weekend. To her, it’s safer to just keep it on all the time so he doesn’t suspect anything.

This still tells you where her priorities are - she doesn’t want him to suspect that she is sneaking around behind his back… 

His feelings matter more than yours. 

Edited Thursday at 07:37 PM by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

On 3/18/2026 at 12:01 PM, anonymousteller said:

I’ve thought about that, but I’m struggling with the consequences. If he currently has no idea and is still happy in his world, wouldn't immediate confession just cause him sudden, massive pain?

Do you not think that he has a right to know that she is stringing him along while pursuing other options? In much the same way that she is doing the same to you…

There is also pain in staying with a woman who is not honest and not faithful - whether he knows it or not. Delaying the inevitable is not necessarily a kind thing to do - I would say that it makes the pain worse, because when he inevitably learns the truth, he has wasted more time with a woman who does not treat him with love or respect. 

Edited Thursday at 07:47 PM by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, anonymousteller said:

Am I just a fool for prioritizing how good this feels right now over my own future?

Well, yes. It's very foolish. It's not going to end the way you want. 

What was your relationship history like before you met this person? 

[Acacia98]

On 3/18/2026 at 8:01 PM, anonymousteller said:

Thank you for your perspective. I’m truly trying to understand the best way out of this. You mentioned that a responsible way would be to confess to the fiancé after the first instance and stop it.

I’ve thought about that, but I’m struggling with the consequences. If he currently has no idea and is still happy in his world, wouldn't immediate confession just cause him sudden, massive pain?

Is it really better to break his heart right away rather than trying to find a quieter, more careful way to end things over time? I'm just worried that a sudden bomb'like that might be more destructive for everyone involved.

Do you actually believe this stuff you're telling yourself? In what world does bringing an outsider into what is for all intents and purposes your marital bed the "quieter and more careful way to end things over time"? Do you realize how much of a violation that is? For a man or woman to do that, they have to have the deepest contempt for their significant other and zero respect for their relationship. They must also want to get caught. This woman has pretty much decided to end her relationship in the most destructive way possible, and for some reason, you've decided to go along with her. I have to wonder, what is so wrong in your life that you would choose to degrade yourself in this way?

OP, the thing is this: if you're going to accompany people as they make stupid and destructive life choices, you should be honest with yourself about what you're doing. Don't lie to yourself that you're doing some poor guy a kindness by violating a space that is supposed to be sacred to him and the safest space that he can retreat to in a harsh world: his bedroom, his home.

I wonder what you think to yourself when you're alone, OP. If this man came home unexpectedly and found you in his bed, do you realize he could take your lives? And do you realize many people the world over would forgive his violence because they would see your actions as an extreme provocation? Do you really think it's impossible for him to come back mid-week? What if he has to come back home to get some important document? What if he gets time off and decides to surprise his fiance by returning without warning her? Do you understand the gravity of what you're doing? 

Look, the fact that there's something wrong with this woman's relationship (there must be; otherwise, she would be doing everything in the world to protect it) is entirely separate from her decision to have regular sex with you. In an ideal world, she would stop sleeping with you and focus on determining whether her relationship was worth salvaging or not. She's not going to die if she stops sleeping with you. You're not going to disappear in a puff of smoke if you stop getting together with her. 

[anonymousteller]

On 3/20/2026 at 2:06 AM, stillafool said:

It's awfully funny that she didn't say let's wait six months to make a final decision before we have sex, isn't it?

In my view, sex is a crucial part of studying someone's character and compatibility. How can she make a life-changing decision to leave a nearly 10-year relationship without knowing if we truly fit together in every aspect, including sex?

If we waited six months without sex, and she finally left him only to realize later that I couldn't satisfy her needs the way he did, it would be a point of no return. To me, this trial period is the only way for her to be 100% sure before she officially ends things.

[anonymousteller]

On 3/20/2026 at 2:37 AM, BaileyB said:

This still tells you where her priorities are - she doesn’t want him to suspect that she is sneaking around behind his back… 

His feelings matter more than yours. 

I actually agree with you. It is clear that she cares about his feelings and his world more than mine right now. But honestly, I am fine with that. As long as we can be together during the week and share this connection, I don't feel the need to compete for the number one spot in her heart yet. If she needs to wear that ring to keep her weekends quiet while she spends her weekdays with me, I can live with that compromise. It doesn't change how I feel when we are together.

[anonymousteller]

On 3/20/2026 at 2:45 AM, BaileyB said:

Do you not think that he has a right to know that she is stringing him along while pursuing other options? In much the same way that she is doing the same to you…

There is also pain in staying with a woman who is not honest and not faithful - whether he knows it or not. Delaying the inevitable is not necessarily a kind thing to do - I would say that it makes the pain worse, because when he inevitably learns the truth, he has wasted more time with a woman who does not treat him with love or respect. 

I see it differently. Pain is a feeling, and if he doesn't know anything, he doesn't feel any pain. In his world, he is a happy man with a fiancé he loves. Why is it better to destroy that world with the truth right now?

I think the pain you are talking about is actually what you imagine he would feel because you know the truth. But for him, at this moment, there is no pain. If we wait six months and she stays with him, he will never have to be hurt by any of this. To me, that seems more merciful than causing a mess right away.