Should I keep going, or is it time to walk away?

[Anonymous]

I am a civil servant in a South East Asian country, and I’m struggling to find a way out.

My family always wanted me to pursue a stable career in the civil service. I took the exam, passed, and was stationed in a city far from home. That was where I met her. We were in the same orientation group for new officers. I was drawn to her from the very first moment, but I soon learned the bittersweet truth: she was already engaged.

She, her fiancé, and I are all outsiders in this city. She and her fiancé met during their first year of university here and have been together for nearly a decade. They built a life together, started a business, bought a house, and lived as husband and wife with plans to marry soon.

Before the wedding, they both decided to seek the stability of government jobs. They both passed, but fate pulled them apart—her fiancé was stationed in another city, while she remained in the city where their home is located.

Now, every Sunday evening, her fiancé drives away to work and returns on Friday nights to spend the weekend with her. I am her colleague. We work in different departments, but a twist of fate allowed us to connect. It started with Line messages, followed by hours-long phone calls during the week when he’s away.

During the weekends, I am a ghost. No calls, no texts—nothing. She is terrified he’ll find out. She only allows emails, which she checks when she's certain she’s alone. But I’ve never sent one. I simply vanish every Saturday and Sunday.

At the office, we are strangers. We never speak in public. Our world only begins after clock-out time, in hidden places where we’re sure no one will recognize us.

Eventually, our secret moved behind closed doors—into the house she shares with him. We began an affair. She insists that both I and her fiancé always use protection, which gives me a fragile sense of security.

It has reached the point where, on weekdays, I live with her in that house. I sleep in the same bed and share the same pillow as her fiancé. It’s a life of one woman and two men, played out in the shadows without his knowledge.

She knows it’s wrong. She tells me she’s lost. She has her fiancé, who has done nothing wrong, and she has me, the newcomer. She has asked for six months to "study" my character before making a final decision.

And through it all—even in our most intimate moments—she never takes off his engagement ring.

Should I keep going, or is it time to walk away?

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Anonymous said:

She has asked for six months to "study" my character before making a final decision

I would have laughed myself right out the door with that one. This morally-bankrupt woman wants to study your character?

You need to wake up, man. She is not leaving her finacé for you. It's clear she is stringing you along and taking incredibly stupid risks bringing you into her house. Imagine what is going to happen if her fiancé finds out - not only to her, but also to you. 

And even if she did leave him? You would not be winning anything. This woman has shown you very clearly she is selfish and dishonest, and not at all trustworthy. You would have to be very naive to think those qualities would not show up in a relationship with you. You need to aim higher and find a better woman who is 100% single. There is no happy ending for you here. 

[anonymousteller]

11 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I would have laughed myself right out the door with that one. This morally-bankrupt woman wants to study your character?

You need to wake up, man. She is not leaving her finacé for you. It's clear she is stringing you along and taking incredibly stupid risks bringing you into her house. Imagine what is going to happen if her fiancé finds out - not only to her, but also to you. 

And even if she did leave him? You would not be winning anything. This woman has shown you very clearly she is selfish and dishonest, and not at all trustworthy. You would have to be very naive to think those qualities would not show up in a relationship with you. You need to aim higher and find a better woman who is 100% single. There is no happy ending for you here. 

I totally agree with you. Your perspective hit me hard because deep down, I’ve been thinking the same thing. If she can do this to a man she’s been with for nearly 10 years, there’s no guarantee she won’t do it to me in the future. I know I’m playing with fire. Thank you for being so blunt; it’s exactly the reality check I need right now.

[ExpatInItaly]

19 minutes ago, anonymousteller said:

If she can do this to a man she’s been with for nearly 10 years, there’s no guarantee she won’t do it to me in the future.

Yes, precisely. 

The fact that she's doing it at all should tell you what sort of character she has. It sounds like you've been blinded by her attention, but from an outside perspective, I can tell you she is not a good person.

If you are wise and would like a happy future with a decent partner, you are going to have to drop this person from your life.  

[Sanch62]

23 hours ago, Anonymous said:

She has asked for six months to "study" my character before making a final decision.

Oh, that's rich. 

Decide whether you want someone who could easily take another man to your bed when your back is turned.