Coworker gave mixed signals

[Anonymous]

I (32m) have been bantering lots with a coworker (32F). I started the job about a year ago but we started talking lots starting January. We actually share some history together (went to middle and high school together but never really interacted). I'm introverted and quiet, but joke lots and quick witted and what you would call a "quiet sniper". She can be both yappy but reserved.

Before I caught feelings, I was being really kind/thoughtful to her:

She hates being alone (shes said this lots of times) and one time our team had a training on separate days, so I told everyone: "hey _____ doesnt like being alone..so how about we swap our training to go with her?" 

I make her laugh lots with alot of inside jokes. One time she had issues using the lunch microwave and I had to help her. Then the next day I was supposed to train her on something, and I sent her a pdf manual of a microwave and she went like "HAHAHAHAHA I hate you". She brought it up that whenever she uses a microwave she thinks of this and laughs

I started to notice some odd things she would do/say around me:

-If I were sitting near her she would say she wishes this cubicle wall were cut out (then get visibly embarassed and shy and sit down)

-comments about having to share desk space with me if the office runs out of space from hiring so many people. She was like "we'll have to share desks" and looked down and got embarassed

-on a team lunch we were walking back to work and passed by a blood donation clinic, I commented "im scared of needles" and she said "do you want me to hold your hand for you?"

-She called me masculine

-physical touches (rubbing her elbow into my shoulder, multiple leg nudges under the table, karate chopped me when i was talking to another girl, huge shoulder tackle when I chirped her, rubbed my lower back/shoulder)

-peeks over her cubicle and checks up on me every hour

-commented on my asian hair, youthful skin, and how I age better than the guys in her race (shes east indian).

-she always brought up my culture, the food, products, music and found a way to connect with me doing that 

-catch her staring at me for a good few seconds

-when people ask us how we know each other, she will fondly tell them we went to the same school but never interacted 

-noticed she would get shy/submissive when I sit/walk with her (she would get red and get a huge smirk)

-she portrays us as a duo, comparing us to Shreeky and Beastly from Carebears, or Harold and Kumar (im Chinese and shes Indian)

she does NOT do this with others 

One day I noticed her being super infatuated with me. She kept staring and I heard her say "i need you (my name)" and at the parking lot she said "i should message you." And looked really sad.

So I sent her a meme of pho (she always talks about her favorite spots) and she said "i need this! Does your mom make pho for you?" And I said "she does, but its not as good as the restaurants haha. My favorite spot is (restaurant name)" and she said "really? What do u order there? Now im curious" And eventually I got the hint that she wanted to go with me, so I asked "all this talk, we should go sometime!" And she said "Definitely!" She looked so happy to see me the next morning at work. So we went to the dinner the following week and it went 3 hours, we talked lots about values and family, hobbies, joked around lots. The restaurant was closing so they kicked us out. She had a big smile on her face and was shocked it was so late. I didn't want to escalate anything so soon so I just said bye to her as we walked to our cars. I texted her the next day "i had a good time hope you did too! We should try something different next time!" And she thumbs upped it.

The following week seemed normal, she was a bit more shy and she glanced at me lots (eyes would track me) she escalated lots of physical touch at work, then I invited her to another date that week, and she said she was busy the Saturday. I started to notice she was a bit distant which was probably due to stress at work. I invited her to another date this last Wednesday for Saturday and was a bit more blunt, she deflected and then my older female friend told me maybe she isnt getting the hints, so she told me to be blunt and just say I like her. So I did, and she told me "wait, I thought we were just work besties and bantering. Im sorry if I gave the wrong impression, but I am in a relationship! We can still be friends"

I'm just confused as hell, in the year that I've been here she NEVER mentioned a partner (like what she did on the weekend) or has any pictures/stories on Instagram. I guess I should have asked but I thought it would come up at some point, especially when we had dinner for 3 hours. She even showed me her pictures on her phone during that dinner and there was no guy, she went to a bar at 5am to watch the Olympic hockey medal game with her female best friend (showed me selfies). I think the relationship was just her stating a boundary. 

Some other details:

We work remotely half the week, so I never really see her (always in meetings)

Yes I know not to date coworkers but she seemed genuinely interested and we had so much in common. I thought id first see how things go - she pushes, I match etc. But didnt think i'd crush on her lots. 

First day back at workplace its not awkward, we still banter and talk/joke like nothing happened. i noticed a weird tension between us though, probably just her feeling bad about it. 

Wonder what happened? You don't just engineer a 3 hour dinner with a guy and say stuff like "do u want me to hold ur hand?" And then say "I thought we were work besties/just bantering". Work besties don't do that stuff. 

Tldr girl at work shows genuine signals, engineered a dinner that went 3 hours, increases physical touch but then distances herself when I invite more and tells me shes in a relationship.

[Herkamer63]

"Work besties," goes right up there with "let's just be friends." If she only considers you a friend, regardless in the work space or not, disengage. I get the mixed signals. Physical touch, the looks, the talk, believe me, as one guy to another, I've been there. I had many women who have done the same thing, but ended up with none of them. If she isn't texting you on her own or making any attempts to come talk to you, she's not interested. Mixed signals means just that. If she was making these attempts to communicate with you at any given time, that's a different story. Many women will not hide interest in men they find attractive. Believe me when I say they're not as shy as they make out. They may hide it from other people, in particular men that find these ladies attractive (and maybe some of their friends), but as far as the guys they like, they will practically throw themselves at them.

Now, bear in mind, yes, men should initiate conversations with women they find interesting when they first lay eyes on them. However, women do need to give some sort of an obvious sign that they're interested in the guy. To be fair, there are shy women out there, but even then, they will give off signs of interest of men they find attractive. Sometimes a simple smile does the trick. You did what you had to on your end, though. Next thing, just because you made her laugh, doesn't mean she's interested. I make plenty of women laugh, but none of them had ever expressed any sort of interest in me due to my humor. This is no different. Don't get me wrong, it's a good sign that she likes you as a human being, but as a romantic partner, it's not guaranteed (most of the time, if not all the time, it isn't). The dude can be humorless and she'll want to be with him, so long as he's highly attractive.

I had to reread this, but if she tells you she's in a relationship, don't bother. She's friend-zoning you, regardless if she even has a bf or not. Most of the time these kind of women don't actually have a bf, but rather a situation-ship. In other words, there's a guy she likes but doesn't actually have a relationship with him. Kind of a FWB situation. Again, even if she's not, the point is she's not into you. You're there for her fun and that's it. Not that there's anything wrong with being friends with her, and honestly if that's going well, why break it? However, in the event you have feelings for her and she's not giving you the time and day to be that bf to her, it'd be best to start cutting down communication with her. If you do and she doesn't talk to you as much as a result, it just shows she may have her eye on someone else.

Overall, don't overthink it. She sounds like a tease and, honestly, I wouldn't ask her out if I were you. I have female friends that I liked and asked out but never worked. We're still friends but I drastically cut down communication with them. I've been heart broken so many times to see where this particular situation is heading. Cut your losses, and focus on what you need to do. Maybe go to the gym, lose weight, improve your income, be with family and close friends, travel a bit more, just get involved with other things. Something I've been living by for awhile, if a woman that you may find interesting isn't engaging with you, assume she isn't interested. Makes it easier. Again, a woman will let you know if she's interested. Good luck.