Coworker gave mixed signals

[Anonymous]

I (32m) have been bantering lots with a coworker (32F). I started the job about a year ago but we started talking lots starting January. We actually share some history together (went to middle and high school together but never really interacted). I'm introverted and quiet, but joke lots and quick witted and what you would call a "quiet sniper". She can be both yappy but reserved.

Before I caught feelings, I was being really nice/thoughtful to her:

She hates being alone (shes said this lots of times) and one time our team had a training on separate days, so I told everyone: "hey _____ doesnt like being alone..so how about we swap our training to go with her?"

I make her laugh lots with alot of inside jokes. One time she had issues using the lunch microwave and I had to help her. Then the next day I was supposed to train her on something, and I sent her a pdf manual of a microwave and she went like "HAHAHAHAHAA I hate you". She brought it up that whenever she uses a microwave she thinks of this and laughs

I started to notice some odd things she would do/say around me:

-If I were sitting near her she would say she wishes this cubicle wall were cut out (then get visibly embarassed and shy and sit down)

-comments about having to share desk space with me if the office runs out of space from hiring so many people. She was like "we'll have to share desks" and looked down and got embarassed

-on a team lunch we were walking back to work and passed by a blood donation clinic, I commented "im scared of needles" and she said "do you want me to hold your hand for you?"

-She called me masculine

-physical touches (rubbing her elbow into my shoulder, multiple leg nudges under the table, karate chopped me when i was talking to another girl, huge shoulder tackle when I chirped her, rubbed my lower back/shoulder)

-peeks over her cubicle and checks up on me every hour

-commented on my asian hair, youthful skin, and how I age better than the guys in her race (shes east indian).

-she always brought up my culture, the food, products, music and found a way to connect with me doing that 

-catch her staring at me for a good few seconds

-when people ask us how we know each other, she will fondly tell them we went to the same school but never interacted 

-noticed she would get shy/submissive when I sit/walk with her (she would get red and get a huge smirk)

-she portrays us as a duo, comparing us to Shreeky and Beastly from Carebears, or Harold and Kumar (im Chinese and shes Indian)

she does NOT do this with others 

One day I noticed her being super infatuated with me. She kept staring and I heard her say "i need you (my name)" and at the parking lot she said "i should message you." And looked really sad.

So I sent her a meme of pho (she always talks about her favorite spots) and she said "i need this! Does your mom make pho for you?" And I said "she does, but its not as good as the restaurants haha. My favorite spot is (restaurant name)" and she said "really? What do u order there? Now im curious" And eventually I got the hint that she wanted to go with me, so I asked "all this talk, we should go sometime!" And she said "Definitely!" She looked so happy to see me the next morning at work. So we went to the dinner the following week and it went 3 hours, we talked lots about values and family, hobbies, joked around lots. The restaurant was closing so they kicked us out. She had a big smile on her face and was shocked it was so late. I didn't want to escalate anything so soon so I just said bye to her as we walked to our cars. I texted her the next day "i had a good time hope you did too! We should try something different next time!" And she thumbs upped it.

The following week seemed normal, she was a bit more shy and she glanced at me lots (eyes would track me) she escalated lots of physical touch at work, then I invited her to another date that week, and she said she was busy the Saturday. I started to notice she was a bit distant which was probably due to stress at work. I invited her to another date this last Wednesday for Saturday and was a bit more blunt, she deflected and then my older female friend told me maybe she isnt getting the hints, so she told me to be blunt and just say I like her. So I did, and she told me "wait, I thought we were just work besties and bantering. Im sorry if I gave the wrong impression, but I am in a relationship! We can still be friends"

I'm just confused as hell, in the year that I've been here she NEVER mentioned a partner (like what she did on the weekend) or has any pictures/stories on Instagram. I guess I should have asked but I thought it would come up at some point, especially when we had dinner for 3 hours. She even showed me her pictures on her phone during that dinner and there was no guy, she went to a bar at 5am to watch the Olympic hockey medal game with her female best friend (showed me selfies). I think the relationship was just her stating a boundary. 

Some other details:

We work remotely half the week, so I never really see her (always in meetings)

Yes I know not to date coworkers but she seemed genuinely interested and we had so much in common. I thought id first see how things go - she pushes, I match etc. But didnt think i'd crush on her lots. 

First day back at workplace its not awkward, we still banter and talk/joke like nothing happened. i noticed a weird tension between us though, probably just her feeling bad about it. 

Wonder what happened? You don't just engineer a 3 hour dinner with a guy and say stuff like "do u want me to hold ur hand?" And then say "I thought we were work besties/just bantering". Work besties dont do that stuff. 

Tldr girl at work shows genuine signals, engineered a dinner that went 3 hours, increases physical touch but then distances herself when I invite more and tells me shes in a relationship.

[Gebidozo]

I don’t see how anything of what you’re telling us here about her behavior towards you can be unequivocally interpreted as “genuine signals”.

I wouldn’t even call it real flirting. And please bear in mind that when a woman really flirts with you it also doesn’t necessarily mean that she is interested in you.

There was nothing sexual in her interaction with you. The “holding your hand” part was obviously a joke.

As for her purported relationship, I don’t see how that’s relevant.

Whether she has a boyfriend or not, she isn’t interested in you romantically, so you should move on.

But for the record, I don’t see why she should publicly mention that she is in a relationship. Some people just don’t like to advertise that.

[Sony12]

There is very little to nothing in your post that indicates she was romantically interested. Lots of people enjoy having friends at work that they can talk to to help pass the time quicker. Seldom is it a situation where they are actually interested in becoming intimate with you though. They just want you as a work buddy.

Also,.........and this is very key. Most of the time when coworkers are genuinely interested they are much, much more clear about it then simple friendly gestures that you are describing. I will give you an example. A lady that was very interested in me gave me a note saying that we don't always have much time to talk and if I don't currently have a girlfriend then perhaps we could do something sometime.

When coworkers are truly interested in you they will usually be very clear about it like that lady was because people know that lots of times people just enjoy having someone to talk to at work.

To be honest if you have trouble interpreting signs of interest I would not even think about dating anyone you work with. The last thing you want to have happen is to get called into Human Resources because there have been complaints made about you by female employees saying that you are hitting on them and are beginning to make them feel uncomfortable.

 

 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Anonymous said:

You don't just engineer a 3 hour dinner with a guy and say stuff like "do u want me to hold ur hand?" And then say "I thought we were work besties/just bantering". Work besties dont do that stuff. 

Some do. 

She obviously enjoys your company and you two have fun together, and maybe she had some deeper interest  - but she's drawn a line in the sand. The boyfriend might be long-distance or maybe they've been on the rocks or any number of reasons why he hasn't come up until now. It doesn't change the bottom line, though I get why you are disappointed. 

Also, this doesn't mean much: 

4 hours ago, Anonymous said:

or has any pictures/stories on Instagram.

I was in a relationship for many years and never posted my then-partner at all. For reasons related to his line of work, he doesn't have an online presence. Anyone looking at my profile might have assumed I was single, but I absolutely was not. 

It sucks, but there's not much you can do but keep your distance from her. 

[Sony12]

Yes some work friends absolutely do go get a drink or have an occasional dinner together. Most don't take it that far because they know how it could get interpreted but some do. Unless there is clear evidence of wanting it to be more then that such as kissing or having sex together it's usually just an extension of the workplace friendship.

Most people pick and choose what they care to share with coworkers. Coworkers who choose to bare it all to to people they work with can become quite annoying to be around so most just let you see a certain side of them. And if the lady enjoys having male friends chances are she won't share aspects of her love life with them. 

[ShyViolet]

She was being very friendly, bordering on flirtation, but she has unequivocally let you know that she isn't interested in taking it further than that.  She has probably been enjoying the attention.  Maybe the boyfriend is long distance, maybe the boyfriend is made up, but it doesn't matter.  She has put up a boundary that she has no intentions of dating you.  There's nothing left to do but accept it.  Maybe stop flirting so much with her at work.