Why'd he end it after a month of seeing each other?

[flow28]

Hey all. I want your help figuring this thing out. I was seeing a guy regularly for a month. We went on about nine or ten dates (or more like hangouts). We hung out quite often, at his place or driving in his car together. His ex had cheated on him and he had forgiven her, but they eventually broke up. He played the guitar, I sang, and we were planning to perform on the street together. There was almost no physical intimacy between us for seven dates, only during two of the last meetings at his place. He said he had previously been seeing a girl from Tinder for a month or so and realized it wasn’t right — that there was no “vibe” or something. He said she got pissed.

 

He said he liked me, that I was pretty, and that he wanted to kiss me. I didn’t kiss him at that time. I initially saw him as a friend and wasn't that attracted to him but later on I became really into him. I wasn't initiating any physical contact though. He asked what this was leading to. He said he was unsure whether I was looking for friendship or more. He said “decide,” and “at worst our paths will part and I’ll stop trying in this way" (like grabbing my hand, cuddling, etc). He would offer me alcohol. He told me to think it over after confessing that he found me attractive. He said he "didn't know how to act" after his confession. Later, during one of our dates, we kissed passionately (he initiated it). I also stroked his hair and there was some intimacy between us. We hugged too but didn’t have sex. After that, he started rescheduling plans. In general, he would cancel quite a lot, either because of being sick or working on his game that he's creating, training etc. I often complained to him about my ex too much and even cried once. During the last date he didn’t kiss me, only hugged for hello and goodbye. He pulled back and didn't text me all day until the evening. 

 

Yesterday evening he messaged me and offered to drive over to bring me my hat I had left at his place. He wanted to talk. He said he didn’t feel the vibe with me, that I was pretty, that we both liked music, that I was talented but “you see we’re not texting each other.” He also said “a girl who goes to the gym and works out a lot is probably more my type" (I didn't really go to the gym). He said something about a lack of vibe and that we will both focus on finding someone for us. At the end, he said, “no hard feelings?” and hugged me. He didn’t even consider friendship. On his dating profile he claimed he was looking for something long or short-term. What happened here? I kinda want to text him for closure but I'm scared I'll make a fool of myself. Why say all that dumb sh.t and then pull this trash? Did he think I friendzoned him? Was he not that into me? I just wish at this point I could become gay, srsly. I hate men. 

Edited Wednesday at 08:38 AM by flow28

[ExpatInItaly]

44 minutes ago, flow28 said:

He also said “a girl who goes to the gym and works out a lot is probably more my type" (I didn't really go to the gym).

May I ask why you'd even want to continue seeing someone who said such a thing to you? He's telling you that your body isn't his type. That was not kind of him and shows he lacks tact. There was no need to add that comment. 

Having said that, this was also not smart on your part: 

48 minutes ago, flow28 said:

I often complained to him about my ex too much and even cried once.

There is no way I would continue dating someone who did this, girl. You're not ready for another relationship if this is your headspace, and it's generally very off-putting to new guys. 

Also, how did your respond to this?: 

50 minutes ago, flow28 said:

He asked what this was leading to. He said he was unsure whether I was looking for friendship or more. He said “decide,” and “at worst our paths will part and I’ll stop trying in this way"

 

[Gebidozo]

46 minutes ago, flow28 said:

I hate men. 

Well, in Reddit terminology, ESH (“everybody sucks here”).

He shouldn’t have said that dumb thing about preferring girls who work out.

On the other hand, seeing as your own interest in him was lukewarm at best, it’s hard to understand what exactly you wanted from him.

Also, anyone who makes such sweeping generalizations about an entire gender for no good reason at all should be aware that this kind of thinking is a major turn-off.

[Sony12]

It doesn't sound like there was much physical chemistry between you two at all. When a guy tells a girl that he wants a girl who goes to the gym and works out that is an indication that he probably isn't that attracted to the girl he is saying that to. If you had been pleasuring him a lot that would have made up for it a bit but you clearly weren't doing that.

I'm honestly a little surprised this made it to the ninth or tenth date.

[ShyViolet]

He already told you why he broke things off.  He wasn't that attracted to you and didn't feel a "vibe" with you.  What else is there to know?  You just need to move on.

7 hours ago, flow28 said:

I kinda want to text him for closure but I'm scared I'll make a fool of myself. 

Yes, honestly, texting him again would probably be making a fool of yourself.  Because he already let you know that he's not that into you and doesn't want to continue seeing you.  There is no point of digging for more answers... you aren't going to get any.  And there is no such thing as "closure".  The only "closure" you are going to get is when you leave this in the past and move on, and stop overanalyzing this.

[flitzanu]

8 hours ago, flow28 said:

He said something about a lack of vibe and that we will both focus on finding someone for us. At the end, he said, “no hard feelings?” and hugged me. He didn’t even consider friendship. On his dating profile he claimed he was looking for something long or short-term. What happened here? I kinda want to text him for closure but I'm scared I'll make a fool of myself. Why say all that dumb sh.t and then pull this trash? Did he think I friendzoned him? Was he not that into me? I just wish at this point I could become gay, srsly. I hate men. 

this was the very clear reason for the breakup, there is no mystery here.  he didn't feel the vibe, and "was not that into you"

 

[Els]

Umm... how old are the two of you again?

[FredEire]

To be honest you both sound all over the place, and it seems like the communication sucked.

Consistency is key, if you get two people together who seem entirely unsure what if anything they want, sooner or later the "vibe" as he put it is going to be weird and its not going to go any further.

[flow28]

On 3/11/2026 at 10:29 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Also, how did your respond to this?

I said "right now I have a hard time because of my ex but with time I'd be open to a relationship". I wasn't sure back then because I still saw him as a friend. But then I became attracted to him.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, flow28 said:

I said "right now I have a hard time because of my ex but with time I'd be open to a relationship"

No reasonable man with self-esteem is going to stick around after you say something like that. 

You are being really unrealistic if you expected otherwise, and now you say you hate men? You really need to step back and reflect on your own role in the demise of this fledgling connection. 

[FredEire]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No reasonable man with self-esteem is going to stick around after you say something like that. 

You are being really unrealistic if you expected otherwise, and now you say you hate men? You really need to step back and reflect on your own role in the demise of this fledgling connection. 

Yeah. If everything OP said is reflective of reality, it doesnt seem like this guy was the greatest catch anyway with him comments about a gym girl being a better fit etc.

However if you are going to give a response that sounds that dismissive, why on earth would you blame him for checking out and saying they "don't feel the vibe" etc? 

You even said yourself that you weren't very into him at first. Did you suddenly become interested once he started withdrawing? Because that would be some interesting information in itself.

[basil67]

Honestly, I wouldn't have stuck with either of you.  Sounds like you were more like friends than romantic interests, but even the friendship side of things didn't sound great.

 

[flow28]

46 minutes ago, FredEire said:

You even said yourself that you weren't very into him at first. Did you suddenly become interested once he started withdrawing? Because that would be some interesting information in itself.

Yeah, I didn't really feel attracted but then the attraction started growing. Sometimes it happens the more time you spend with someone.

[FredEire]

26 minutes ago, flow28 said:

Yeah, I didn't really feel attracted but then the attraction started growing. Sometimes it happens the more time you spend with someone.

Maybe, it can happen. But it sounds in this case like you became more attractive when he had checked out and was unavailable and out of reach, therefore "safe" to start having feelings for. It's a very common pattern but not a particularly healthy one. I'd encourage you to think about it and look into it.

[Gebidozo]

11 hours ago, flow28 said:

I said "right now I have a hard time because of my ex but with time I'd be open to a relationship".

How can you expect a guy to want a relationship with you after you’ve told him that?

I’m surprised he kept seeing you at all after that. I’d turn away and leave right there, even if I were interested in you initially.