Issues in a friendship of mine

[Matt95]

Context:

I had a close friendship that lasted about 8 years (started in 2017). It was never romantic, but emotionally intense. For a long time we were in daily contact and shared a lot. He did an Erasmus thanks to my advice (in a period that was very difficult for him), we shared visits across Europe in our study and / or work periods abroad or in Naples (close to where we lived and he lives now) / Germany (where I moved for good in 2022).

Over time, it became clear that we had very different views of what friendship should look like, mostly because my life has changed, the time at my disposal changed too and he never accepted this transition.

**My view**

I see friendship as something that can remain real and meaningful even if:

you don’t talk every day

you don’t see each other often

initiative isn’t constant

For me, caring is shown more through:

listening

long-term consistency

If it happens to meet each other, great. If it doesn't, it's still ok and it doesn't mean I don't care.

I struggle to force emotional behaviors that don’t come naturally to me. When I do, it feels inauthentic.

**His view**

He believes that friendship only has value if:

you see each other often

there is frequent initiative

affection is clearly and consistently shown

His belief is basically:

 “If you care about someone, you show it.

If it doesn’t come naturally, you make the effort anyway.

If you don’t show it, you don’t really care (or you have a serious emotional problem).”

For him, a “low-contact” friendship is empty and meaningless.

**The core conflict**

He started comparing his place in my life to that of other friends (for example childhood friends: if I came back to my hometown for Christmas holiday and did not make space to meet him, while I spent time with my childhood friends those days, he would consider it as rejection; if I didn't make proposals, which I very rarely do in general because my life has changed with work, girlfriend and life abroad, he would consider it as one-sided friendship). He would often travel to visit me in Germany when I was available. I must admit that I have been harsh sometimes (in communication), but his depression and the guilt he threw on me for the situation wore me out.

To him, these comparisons were objective proof that I valued him less and that he was being wronged.

From my perspective, these choices felt normal and not meant as a hierarchy or rejection.

**Escalation**

During this time, he fell into a severe depressive period.

My lack of initiative and limited availability (consider that I live in Germany now and he lives in Italy) were experienced by him as:

rejection

emotional cruelty

proof that the friendship was fake

He began to describe me as:

cold

inhuman

manipulative

I, on the other hand, felt:

constantly guilty

emotionally pressured to be someone I’m not

incapable of meeting his expectations no matter what I did

**Break**

Eventually, I pulled away.

In December 2024, there was the first bad signs. I came back home for the Christmas holidays (about 19-20 days) and I basically came back to spend time with my family and girlfriend. He was already feeling alone and depressed. I actually told him that I would let him know if I managed to spend a day in Naples, but eventually it didn't happen and he felt wounded and ignored, getting angry with me. I know that he felt bad and that he would have made time for me in reverse. But that's his way of living friendships. Should I feel bad because I didn't set a date in advance for him? The last time we had met each other before that was June 2024 in Germany where I live and he felt like it was an eternity already. Plus, he grew frustrated and resented that most of the energy and proposals came from him. But again, should I feel guilty if I now work differently than before and I am less proactive in friendships?

The final nails in the coffin were March and May 2025. In March, I felt overwhelmed by his constant accusations and his depression, with intrusive thoughts, and I told him I needed some space for myself. Of course it was interpreted as abandonment and when in April I told him that the daily-contact friendship we had wasn't sustainable for me anymore, and that all I could offer was the relaxed, occasional contact that I have with any other friend (even the ones he feels "inferior" to) the situation got worse for him. He started accusing me more heavily. In May, he had a trip to Germany already planned and I refused to meet him after his accusations. He exploded, insulted me and got to the point of self-harm. After that, I blocked him on social media.

I didn’t do it to punish him, but because I felt overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted.

The silence, however, became for him:

final confirmation that I never cared

an aggravating factor that deepened his anger and hatred

He also got to the point of self-harm.

The messages I received became extremely hostile.

**Current situation**

We’ve had no contact for months.

I’m more at peace, but I still carry guilt and doubt.

I don’t feel anger toward him.

He likely sees me as someone who destroyed the friendship and caused deep harm.

I wonder:

Was I actually always damaging to him?

Can two people genuinely care about each other and still be emotionally incompatible?

Is silence sometimes self-protection rather than cruelty?

Is it realistic that, with time, a calmer, low-contact friendship could ever exist?

I’m not trying to justify myself or paint him as a villain.

I’m genuinely trying to understand whether this was inevitable incompatibility, or if I failed in a more fundamental way.

Any perspective appreciated.

[Gebidozo]

All I can say is that if any of my friends did such guilt trips on me, I’d cut them off as well.

There is enough unhealthy dynamics going on in family relationships, romantic relationships, work relationships, and so on. Friendship is so valuable precisely because friends are supposed to be understanding and supportive.

There is too much pressure in life to have friends that add to that pressure instead of alleviating it.

 

[Matt95]

8 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

All I can say is that if any of my friends did such guilt trips on me, I’d cut them off as well.

There is enough unhealthy dynamics going on in family relationships, romantic relationships, work relationships, and so on. Friendship is so valuable precisely because friends are supposed to be understanding and supportive.

There is too much pressure in life to have friends that add to that pressure instead of alleviating it.

 

do you think there's a chance it can be repaired?

[Gebidozo]

54 minutes ago, Matt95 said:

do you think there's a chance it can be repaired?

Why would you want to repair it?

I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who treats me like that.

He is manipulative, emotionally unstable, and his views on friendship are strange, bordering on disturbing.

You’ve only been friends for 8 years, anyway. Time will tell you who your real friends are - those that respect you and your completely reasonable boundaries.

 

[Matt95]

5 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Why would you want to repair it?

I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who treats me like that.

He is manipulative, emotionally unstable, and his views on friendship are strange, bordering on disturbing.

You’ve only been friends for 8 years, anyway. Time will tell you who your real friends are - those that respect you and your completely reasonable boundaries.

 

I mean, if something changes for the better. He has had some serious depression issues and I admit I've made my mistakes by being less involved and proactive.

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, Matt95 said:

do you think there's a chance it can be repaired?

What on earth are you thinking?  Why would you want to repair a friendship or open up contact again with a person who has been acting so emotionally unstable, toxic and high drama?  You should have cut off contact with him long ago, when he started making "accusations" and creating such drama with you.  This is not normal behavior in a friendship.  Nothing good can come of staying in contact with a person who is, frankly, acting crazy.  He needs help for his mental health, and that's not something you can or should get involved with.

[Matt95]

46 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

What on earth are you thinking?  Why would you want to repair a friendship or open up contact again with a person who has been acting so emotionally unstable, toxic and high drama?  You should have cut off contact with him long ago, when he started making "accusations" and creating such drama with you.  This is not normal behavior in a friendship.  Nothing good can come of staying in contact with a person who is, frankly, acting crazy.  He needs help for his mental health, and that's not something you can or should get involved with.

He has been depressed recently. And the fact that I've started being less proactive didn't help him and triggered his abandonment trauma.

[Sanch62]

Similar story. My lifelong friend since toddlerhood suffered cycles of depression and drama. I've always managed to navigate these times, or I'd just take some distance out of respect for myself. But something about Covid did her in. As soon as some bars opened outdoors, she'd shut down work at 5 and take off to go drink. I'd get late-night phone calls with blathering rants about how I was supposed to call her, or whatever.

There was a final straw when she got accusatory with me, and I just called it quits. As with your motive, it's not punitive. It's not about right or wrong; it's not about winning an argument--it's about recognizing when someone is dangerous to be around.

We cannot fix anyone. We can hope for the best for them and remain open to the idea that we may hear from them after they've received the proper treatment, but we can't force them to agree that they need the kind of help we aren't equipped to provide.

My heart goes out to you.

[ShyViolet]

5 hours ago, Matt95 said:

He has been depressed recently. And the fact that I've started being less proactive didn't help him and triggered his abandonment trauma.

So you think that his mental health is your responsibility, or that you can fix him?

[Matt95]

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

So you think that his mental health is your responsibility, or that you can fix him?

No, but I could help

[Gebidozo]

19 minutes ago, Matt95 said:

No, but I could help

How? You tried everything you could and got nothing but accusations in return.

It’s an illusion that someone’s abandonment trauma can be healed by becoming a 24/7 nurse to that person.

On the contrary, that would often enable controlling and abusive tendencies in them, which will only exacerbate the mental issues and render everyone miserable.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Matt95 said:

No, but I could help

How? 

You are not a mental health professional, I gather. The sort of help he needs is well above the paygrade of a friend. 

[ShyViolet]

14 hours ago, Matt95 said:

No, but I could help

It is not your job to help the mental health problems of your friends.  You are not his doctor or his therapist.  You can't "fix" people's problems, that is not how a healthy friendship works.

[Sanch62]

14 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

How? You tried everything you could and got nothing but accusations in return.

It’s an illusion that someone’s abandonment trauma can be healed by becoming a 24/7 nurse to that person.

On the contrary, that would often enable controlling and abusive tendencies in them, which will only exacerbate the mental issues and render everyone miserable.

 

I agree. Once someone goes accusatory, they view you as their adversary. If you manage to pacify them, that becomes a full-time job as their pit grows more and more bottomless.