Fresh betrayal

[Ihopeyouaresomewhere]

My partner of 10 years dropped a bombshell on me a few weeks ago. He said he wanted to see a dominatrix (transactional). I said I need time to process this and told him I need the conversation parked until we work on our own relationship. A week later, he had a video call with her. He confessed the following week. He has just started therapy and has had developed a porn addiction after consistently using porn for over 20 years. I moved out 3 weeks ago and we have been talking but now, I'm beginning to see that he is not getting over this person. He said 'just let me see her, I'll do what you want'. I have offered to try various bdsm stuff...I've always done so much to try and satisfy him and he still wants this escape. He recently come to terms with his identity as submissive - I've done a lot of work to understand what this means. I've offered to learn what is needed and have offered several different compromises and solutions but he seems set on this.

I understand that people hire doms to escape, he claims it runs deeper than sex. He wants the validation and as a release for control. I understand I'm part of his everyday world and can see how I can't offer the escape he desires. He says you are 95% of what I want.With the 5% being his desire to be dominated-

He has been off porn for two weeks and is also off masturbating - I asked this of him because I have heard it is a way to release porn addiction. His therapist also recommends- He should do it for 90 days.

A part of me hopes that after 90 days, he will deescalate but I don't know how likely that is.

I feel very heavy and am flip flopping between 'it's just a transactional service- everyone deserves to be liberated' and 'it's infidelity, crossing my boundaries and he is being manipulative to get his way'. All of this was such a bombshell. Our sex life had dwindled in the last year or 2 but I put it down to work stress (he changed jobs).

Up to this point, I always thought he was respectful, a good listener, a good and loyal partner. We have a strong dynamic and both see each other as best friends. I told him I'm willing to try many things with him sexually but he seems adamant on this women. It's also extra complicated because he owns our place and there is a housing crisis where I am. He seems to be split.

On one hand, the communication between us has been better since this arguement happened. We are having emotional talks and he sometimes says what I want to hear I think just to ease his own guilt.

He seems to already have an attachment to this women, he says it is transactional but I also said you can try it with another person but I get to handle all communication.

I'm just feeling all over the place and can't think straight.I am also thinking I do not have energy for men every again if this doesn't work out. I'm in my late 30s and feel there is noone out there for me. I had so much grief with men before this and I cannot bare to go through it again. It also means my future / housing is up in the air. I will possibly have to change country which may not be so bad. I struggle to assimilate like he has here and that maybe part of the reason why he wants someone else. 

Edited March 6 by Ihopeyouaresomewhere
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[ExpatInItaly]

I would not bother twisting myself in knots over this, trying to be overly-accommodating at the expense of my own needs and desires. 

Instead I would view this as concrete evidence that it's time to end the relationship and that this was absolutely not the man for me. 

17 hours ago, Ihopeyouaresomewhere said:

I had so much grief with men before this and I cannot bare to go through it again

You already are. 

[BreakOnThrough]

Remember, you are just getting a glimpse, NOT the FULL story.

[merrmeade]

I’ll try again. My previous reply disappeared. 

Try to get some support - friend, family, therapy - while you figure out what to do because he clearly is not making your needs a priority. This has blown up your life, and the person you thought had your back is determined to pursue whatever he gets out of this new obsession. He’s clearly bewitched and wanting more. 

Expect the worst and get your ducks in a row. Protect yourself as best you can and don’t expect him to wake up and be reasonable. Get practical advice as well about your living situation. He’s given you some shitty options while he blows up your lives with a midlife crisis.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you

[MsJayne]

Summed up, your partner of ten years considers his sexual fantasies to be way more important than your relationship. The self-obsession is real. Personally, I think anyone who is so obsessed with sexual activity that they need to crap on their loved ones is someone with unaddressed mental health issues. Your partner is literally obsessed with his penis, so it's no surprise that he's behaving like such a dick. Depending where you live, you might find that co-habiting for years makes you his common law wife and that you have a valid claim on his property. Your self-respect is worth much more than his roof over your head. 

[merrmeade]

On 3/6/2026 at 3:11 PM, Ihopeyouaresomewhere said:

I'm just feeling all over the place and can't think straight.

Maybe your emotions are all over the place, but your thinking seems fine to me. You gave succinct, articulate reasons why you feel he's being disingenuous and manipulative. Just listen to them. Your suspicions are more credible and powerful than the relationship positives, I'm afraid—evidently for him as well. Go with tho doubts and misgivings and call bullsh-t on the gaslighting. You can fill in the details later - and grieve - but don't waste another 90 days of your life trying to understand or, worse, hoping he'll come back around. Whether it's about the sex or the woman, it's neither meaningless nor a mistake to him. He said and showed you this in so many ways.

On 3/6/2026 at 3:11 PM, Ihopeyouaresomewhere said:

 I'm in my late 30s and feel there is noone out there for me. 

That's still young! You have lots of time for love and so much more. You're worth it

On 3/6/2026 at 3:11 PM, Ihopeyouaresomewhere said:

 It also means my future / housing is up in the air. I will possibly have to change country which may not be so bad. I struggle to assimilate like he has here and that maybe part of the reason why he wants someone else.

You  seem to like this idea. You've already done it ("change country") at least once. If he was the main or only, reason it was working as well as it did, how much harder will it be if he's no longer a reason? Having done this very thing more than once myself, I see it as perfectly reasonable. If making such a change would improve other aspects of your life as well, then why not? It would give you more to think about than his disloyalty and duplicity.

 

16 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Summed up, your partner of ten years considers his sexual fantasies to be way more important than your relationship. The self-obsession is real. Personally, I think anyone who is so obsessed with sexual activity that they need to crap on their loved ones is someone with unaddressed mental health issues. Your partner is literally obsessed with his penis, so it's no surprise that he's behaving like such a dick. Depending where you live, you might find that co-habiting for years makes you his common law wife and that you have a valid claim on his property. Your self-respect is worth much more than his roof over your head. 

Yep, that says it all.