Fresh betrayal

[Ihopeyouaresomewhere]

My partner of 10 years dropped a bombshell on me a few weeks ago. He said he wanted to see a dominatrix (transactional). I said I need time to process this and told him I need the conversation parked until we work on our own relationship. A week later, he had a video call with her. He confessed the following week. He has just started therapy and has had developed a porn addiction after consistently using porn for over 20 years. I moved out 3 weeks ago and we have been talking but now, I'm beginning to see that he is not getting over this person. He said 'just let me see her, I'll do what you want'. I have offered to try various bdsm stuff...I've always done so much to try and satisfy him and he still wants this escape. He recently come to terms with his identity as submissive - I've done a lot of work to understand what this means. I've offered to learn what is needed and have offered several different compromises and solutions but he seems set on this.

I understand that people hire doms to escape, he claims it runs deeper than sex. He wants the validation and as a release for control. I understand I'm part of his everyday world and can see how I can't offer the escape he desires. He says you are 95% of what I want.With the 5% being his desire to be dominated-

He has been off porn for two weeks and is also off masturbating - I asked this of him because I have heard it is a way to release porn addiction. His therapist also recommends- He should do it for 90 days.

A part of me hopes that after 90 days, he will deescalate but I don't know how likely that is.

I feel very heavy and am flip flopping between 'it's just a transactional service- everyone deserves to be liberated' and 'it's infidelity, crossing my boundaries and he is being manipulative to get his way'. All of this was such a bombshell. Our sex life had dwindled in the last year or 2 but I put it down to work stress (he changed jobs).

Up to this point, I always thought he was respectful, a good listener, a good and loyal partner. We have a strong dynamic and both see each other as best friends. I told him I'm willing to try many things with him sexually but he seems adamant on this women. It's also extra complicated because he owns our place and there is a housing crisis where I am. He seems to be split.

On one hand, the communication between us has been better since this arguement happened. We are having emotional talks and he sometimes says what I want to hear I think just to ease his own guilt.

He seems to already have an attachment to this women, he says it is transactional but I also said you can try it with another person but I get to handle all communication.

I'm just feeling all over the place and can't think straight.I am also thinking I do not have energy for men every again if this doesn't work out. I'm in my late 30s and feel there is noone out there for me. I had so much grief with men before this and I cannot bare to go through it again. It also means my future / housing is up in the air. I will possibly have to change country which may not be so bad. I struggle to assimilate like he has here and that maybe part of the reason why he wants someone else. 

Edited 12 hours ago by Ihopeyouaresomewhere
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