Breakup - This time I think its final

[GoonerS]

Going to be a long post and think I know the answers...

Both around 50 - met 2.5 years ago, live only 2.5 miles apart and have a lot of shared connections, paths cross a lot. Bit of a whirlwind start, then like most relationships it gets steady. Until around 9mths in when her ex of 10 years gets back in touch. She says she needs to see if there is anything there so needs to end things. So we do, go NC but that lasts a few days. He comes down to see her, there is not that spark she thought may be there. We sort of get back (we are seeing each other a fair bit at this stage) and this goes a bit on/off for a couple of months until she says that I am the one. 

Last year was fine, but it seemed I was more into her than she me. I had been with someone for 22 years before we met so have only spent the last 3 years or so on my own, whereas she has live on her own for 10 years. She is more independent, doesnt like the label of bf/gf, I would put pics of us on FB, she wouldn't. She was very hot and cold. Sometimes very needy, other times a bit distant. She knows my plan would be to move in together, she doesnt think she will ever want that.

Personality wise I am more full on, heart on sleeve and all that. It all kicked off this year, came back from holiday - one thing really annoyed me when she was not hungry and didnt want to come for dinner with me, leaving me to go on my own. If it was the other way round I would have still gone, either have something small or just a drink. When we got back we both went a bit quiet on each other. I was feeling a bit unloved she didnt think I was bothered. Made up but then she got in a mood when I booked a solo city break for just me, and a big holiday with my kids later in year. But she had also booked a trip with her sister without telling me. It wasn't that relationship where we had to get permission but here she is saying she is not bothered and then wanting to be included in things.

Last week, we had been getting on ok, and I said I was not happy. I felt like it was a little one-sided and I wanted more from the relationship. More recognition, long term plan etc... Popped round last night - and basically we both were sort of sticking to our red lines - I want more, she didnt. That was it - over.

Felt rubbish all night and messaged her this morning, was I being to pushy or seeking perfection? She was nice, going back to me being more into here, "when its intimate its good but she goes round the houses to get there" and the killer, "I still worry you are far more into me than me you". "I dont have the same spark you have, I think I want to put myself out there and see if this spark thing is something I can find"

Am probably not painting a great relationship but there is a real bond and connection there. We both love each other and would do anything for each other. We just get on so well, rarely argue, have same morals and views, get on with kids, some shared interests but also our own. Is she perfect, no, but there is something there that neither of us can put our fingers on. But she has said this spark thing a number of times - I just think there is not the same one she has had with her two longest relationships. Part of me things she is almost seeking perfection, part of me thinks this is a little hormonal (menopause) as she goes very hot and then very cold at random. One minute she is thinking of longer term plans (only last Thursday she was talking about a weekend away), next it's all distant. 

It's all good between us, no nasty words, she is away for a few days and I said I would go NC just to let things cool. Knowing me I will send a really soppy message when back and try to get things back on but think its doomed to failure!

[ShyViolet]

12 hours ago, GoonerS said:

Am probably not painting a great relationship but there is a real bond and connection there. We both love each other and would do anything for each other.

No, it actually doesn't sound like you have a real bond and connection.  She flat-out told you that you are more into her than she is into you, and that she doesn't feel a spark with you.  It's time to face that and let her go.

 

12 hours ago, GoonerS said:

Part of me things she is almost seeking perfection, part of me thinks this is a little hormonal (menopause) as she goes very hot and then very cold at random.

No she's not seeking perfection, she is seeking someone who she is more into and feels a spark with.  Which is a perfectly reasonable thing for her to want.  You need to stop looking for excuses as to why she's not that into you.  She's just not.

[Gebidozo]

15 hours ago, GoonerS said:

We both love each other

Sorry, but she doesn’t love you the same way as you love her. She literally said that. For your own good, you need to acknowledge the fact.

This has nothing to do with the differences in lifestyle and approach to relationships. These may be reconciled in a compromise. Lack of spark may not.

She repeatedly reiterated that she doesn’t feel that spark. You should end this and look for someone who fully reciprocates your feelings. 

 

[flitzanu]

On 3/3/2026 at 3:46 AM, GoonerS said:

. "I dont have the same spark you have, I think I want to put myself out there and see if this spark thing is something I can find"

 

 

this is very clearly stating she wants to date other people