How do I (23F) move on with my partner after he crossed a boundary drunkenly (24M)?

[Anonymous]

H, my boyfriend of a year and a half and I went on vacation the first week of February. We spent the weekend with his brother, his wife, and their baby. After they put their kid to bed, we had a fun night of drinking in the living room, H and his brother, and their family chaos and mess. We drank a lot. H had 9 beers, we did shots, it was a mess. At like 2 am, we finally went to bed, and unexpectedly, H and I started making out. While tipsy sex is fine, I have recently discovered that I hate having drunk sex, as it makes me feel like I’m not in control. H and I were clearly drunk, but I was fine with us making out. He kept saying, “I want to eat you out,” which I responded with, “You’re drunk.” We kept kissing for a couple of minutes, and then we changed positions. As we were changing positions, I noticed his underwear was off. I was livid. H never ever takes his underwear off when we are intimate, unless he is showering or we are about to have sex. He even puts them on right after we have sex, too. If I told him no to sex, why would he take his underwear off? I told him, “We could be making out for three hours, and that still means I don’t want to have sex.” I was upset because that feels like basic consent, which I don't feel like explaining to a 24-year-old grown-ass man. We were both drunk. But then, 5 minutes later, he throws a drunken FIT, he says, “What the f***. I just wanted to make out with you!” And i said “then why did you take your underwear off?” And he said, “Because I assumed you changed your mind.” And that pissed me off because that’s not consent. Thats him (falsely) thinking I’d change my mind. At that moment, I felt like a toy for him, and for the first time in our year-and-a-half relationship, I almost felt scared of him. He eventually slept on the couch, but the rest of the trip was awful. I was engaging and having fun with his family, but when we were alone, i didn’t speak to him. H's brother eventually dropped us off at the airport, and he apologized, saying he'd thrown a fit unfairly, which he did, and the reason he threw the fit was that he felt like he was being accused of something he would never do (rape). But honestly, in the moment, I did think it was possible.

He said he violated my trust and said he would do anything to make it up to me. When we got on the plane, he said thank you for putting up with his family, for being kind, and for drinking with them despite our fight. He knew I had a conference the following day, and he Venmoed me 80 dollars to get from the airport to my house. I appreciated it. He texts me every day to have a good day, he's sent me flowers, he's bought me clothes, but I still can’t help but be mad at him for the way he treated me in that moment. It’s been two weeks, and I’m still so mad at him, and progress is non-linear. He is patient. He gives me gifts, and we have had a few dates, and he has not drunk in front of me since, and has told me he does not plan to. We are also not having sex, or having sleepovers nor do I plan to do so for a minute until I feel completely comfortable to.

I know he is not a bad guy. He has never made me feel this way, and it was a drunken one-off. But I resent him still for crossing a boundary, and I don't know where to go from here. 

I welcome any advice!!

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

Nah, this relationship is toast. 

If you really believe your boyfriend was capable of sexually assualting you, you need to just end it. It won't get better. Stop accepting his gifts and money.

And honestly? I would ask yourself why you're blowing this all the way out of proportion. I am a woman too, and I think your reaction to all of this is way over the top and indicative of some serious underlying issues within you. 

[ShyViolet]

I'm really confused as to how this got to be the huge issue that it was.  You are saying that you thought he was capable of rape and you were scared of him?  Where on earth is that coming from?  All you say is that his underwear was off.  That's it.  Not that he did anything whatsoever.  Just that you noticed his underwear was off.  It sounds like you are overreacting to the extreme and being really irrational.

[MsJayne]

This is not some guy you picked up in a pub, he's your partner, and given your drunk state and the fact that you were making out it wasn't unreasonable of him to hope you'd change your mind and he might get lucky. Why does it matter if he took his undies off? You still said no and he didn't force the issue, so I think you're being a bit precious and way over-reacting. It's not unreasonable of someone to think their partner might warm up to the idea of sex if they're happy to make out. 

[MsJayne]

This is not some random guy you picked up in a pub, he's your partner, and given your drunk state and the fact that you were making out it wasn't unreasonable of him to hope you'd change your mind and he might get lucky. Why does it matter if he took his undies off? You still said no and he didn't force the issue, so I think you're being a bit precious and way over-reacting. It's not unreasonable of someone to think their partner might warm up to the idea of sex if they're happy to make out. 

[Els]

On 2/25/2026 at 1:51 PM, Anonymous said:

But then, 5 minutes later, he throws a drunken FIT, he says, “What the f***. I just wanted to make out with you!” And i said “then why did you take your underwear off?” And he said, “Because I assumed you changed your mind.”

I feel like this is the concerning part, not that his underwear was off. I wouldn't be happy if someone threw a fit and "assumed I changed my mind" when I'd said no a few times already.

That being said, it sounds like he did stop after that, you two had a talk about this later when sober, he apologized, and said he wouldn't do it again. In your place, I'd work out a plan to prevent this from happening again, and then let bygones be bygones. If it does happen again then it warrants a much more serious response.