6 months-- blindsided

[Anonymous]

Posted 1 hour ago

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for objective input because I’m struggling to reconcile how this went from 10/10 intensity to over almost overnight.

I’m 32, she’s 27. We dated for about 6 months. From the start to finish  it was intense. extreme physical chemistry, great sex (she repeatedly said best she’s ever had by far, multiple orgasms, sex multiple times per day), constant affection, constant admiration. It was very intense from the jump. She would say things like I’m the nicest, highest quality guy she’s ever dated, she’s never been treated so well, etc. We integrated with each other’s friends and family. Lots of trips, time together, and honestly we had a blast even doing nothing. 2 weeks ago she was showing me engagement rings, planning our moving in together when shes done school... 

She said over and over I was the best she’d ever had in every way (treatment, looks, sex, stability, connection, shared intersets). She's told me nothing but horror dating stories and experiences she's had in the past. She's consistently pedestalized me hard to the point where it was like OK enough already . She’d say she felt so lucky, sometimes cried saying she didn’t feel good enough for me (I have a stable career, good family background, financially secure. She's just starting out and still in school, she questioned why I would even choose her). I always reassured her.

There were 2 conflicts over the course of the relationship. Most recent was 6 weeks ago, Nothing toxic, but I can be blunt and direct in conflict. I have high integrity and low tolerance for disloyalty. My intense reaction (albeit a fair one) really freaked her out. At one point she asked hypothetically if I would end the relationship if she crossed certain boundaries, and I said yes without hesitation. My general relationship philosophy is: we choose each other daily, nothing is guaranteed, and I refused when she asked to promise unconditional forever no matter what. I believe in loyalty and effort, but not blind permanence. I’m independent and not overly fused. She said she’s afraid that if she messes up, I’m gone. She prioritizes emotional safety highly and struggles with anxiety disorder.

Valentines weekend was our last weekend together. I was physically sick and despite that, drove to her, stayed the whole weekend, had a great time, together, she was effusive as usual, very physical. That sunday she said she had the best orgasm of her life. However, since I was sick, I was a bit short perhaps, she keep askign whats wrong and seemed concerned it was about her. I assured her again nothing is wrong, I'm just really sick with a cold.. She wanted me to stay the night but I had work the next day.

After that day, I noticed some emotional distance, faint but there., 2 days later, I went on a boys trip. I noticed she became slightly less warm over text. 2 nights ago, she texts "Can we talk?". She then  told me that week was extremely difficult for her and she was crying almost every day. I had no idea. When she ended it, she was calm but crying. She said:

-I can be negative at times, cynical.

-She doesn’t feel a “best friend” vibe at this point which is what she needs (I think that's unrealistic and points to being too enmeshed)

-The past 2 fights made her worry long term.

But she also said:

Physical/sexual connection was 10/10.

I’m amazing.

She’s never been treated better.

She’ll miss me so much and was crying uncontrollably.

BUT she was 100% firm in her decision... I said I understand,  It sounds like you thought about this and don't feel like it's something we can talk about or can work through. I respect your decision but this is the last time we will be talking.

I just shipped her stuff back to her today via mail.

 

I feel blindsided because none of these concerns were communicated as relationship-threatening before the breakup. I absolutely would have worked on anything she brought to me.

I put my best into our relationship, I really loved and cared about her so much... So I’m trying to understand:

Was this:

An anxious attachment issue where my independence and firmness triggered insecurity?

A genuine incompatibility in emotional style (she needing more fusion and reassurance than feels natural to me)?

Something else entirely?

I’m not looking to villainize her. I genuinely cared about her. But I’m trying to understand how someone can be head over heels, crying about losing you, and still walk away without attempting repair.