Blindsided at 6 Months – Intense, “Perfect”, Then Sudden Breakup

[flitzanu]

22 hours ago, Anonymous said:

 

After that day, I noticed some emotional distance, faint but there., 2 days later, I went on a boys trip. I noticed she became slightly less warm over text. 2 nights ago, she texts "Can we talk?". She then  told me that week was extremely difficult for her and she was crying almost every day. I had no idea. When she ended it, she was calm but crying. She said:

-I can be negative at times, cynical.

-She doesn’t feel a “best friend” vibe at this point which is what she needs (I think that's unrealistic and points to being too enmeshed)

-The past 2 fights made her worry long term.

 

 

this was her reasons for wanting to end the relationship, and nothing else really matters about how great or intense other things were.  this was her reasoning.

*edit - meant to include:

this is unfortunately how breakups work.  she was thinking about this for probably days, weeks, months and had time to process it all until she was able to put it into action.  but you, the one getting dumped, does in fact get blindsided like it came from nowhere, but for her it very likely was not out of nowhere.  

Edited 5 hours ago by flitzanu

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, Nowherenear said:

I’m just going to put out another possible reason for her actions: maybe this is her way of testing you to see whether you’ll reach out and tell her you can’t live without her — maybe even propose to her. As the saying goes, if you love someone, let them go; if they come back, they’re yours. If not, they never were.

A lot of women have this mindset — that they can push a man who doesn’t want to commit into finally doing so by disappearing. The idea is to test him, to show him what he’s lost, and to make him come back.

Well its definitelty possible but I hope youre not suggesting this would be anything but wildly unhealthy and a terrible idea.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Anonymous said:

messaging an ex "i miss you" or something to that effect. She was just giving an example of something her friend did recently

That's an oddly specific example, and her reaction to you not being okay with that is telling. 

My best guess is that she has done this, and was worried you would break up with her if you found out. Either way, she was showing you red flags. Her mentality surrounding loyalty and commitment is too childish. 

[Anonymous]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That's an oddly specific example, and her reaction to you not being okay with that is telling. 

My best guess is that she has done this, and was worried you would break up with her if you found out. Either way, she was showing you red flags. Her mentality surrounding loyalty and commitment is too childish. 

It may have been a red herring because she’s def not a cheater. She brought it up in the context of how messed up that behavior is. I think what really hit her wasn’t the example itself, but the finality in my response  when she asked,  that it would be over without debate. She was like "you'd just end it immediately?" and I doubled down. She’s always had a fear that she has no room to make mistakes or misjudge things. The one conflict we had was super intense and it was over something that didn't really warrant that level of intensity from me. I’m very serious about loyalty and respect, and I think the sharpness in my language around all of the boundary stuff reinforced that fear that the shoe could drop any time. She felt I was always judging & evaluating her which I wasn't, I just have real standards. She was always very shaken at any sign of distance or me pulling away.  

[FredEire]

52 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That's an oddly specific example, and her reaction to you not being okay with that is telling. 

My best guess is that she has done this, and was worried you would break up with her if you found out. Either way, she was showing you red flags. Her mentality surrounding loyalty and commitment is too childish. 

That may well be true, but I think it's equally possible that she was testing to see if he was ok with it, in which case she could flip the script from "he's perfect" to "he's bad/a cheater".

Often people who will put you on a pedestal feel the immense pressure of that and a kind of automatic response is to try and tear you off it, to the point that they can end up treating you like you're the great person on planet earth one minute and the absolute worst a couple of hours later.

This is always the issue with someone quickly idealising you. It's a fantastic ego boost but the extreme high is unsustainable and soon gets mixed in with extreme lows, and then when things start to slide the one being idealised often starts to wonder what's happened and scambling to "fix" things. 

Edited 2 hours ago by FredEire