I don’t know if I was love or just a stepping stone

[prlwm]

I’ve been working at the same place for over three years. When I first started there, I was in a long-term relationship that was already slowly dying. At work, there was this beautiful girl who immediately caught my attention. But I never made a move, because I was still in a relationship and I did love my girlfriend at the time.

Later I found out this girl has two kids from two different fathers, and she was still living with one of them in a bad relationship. When I learned that, I decided to let it go and not try to get closer to her.

About a year and a half ago, I broke up with my long-term girlfriend. After that I dated a bit (Tinder, etc.), but I still had feelings for this girl from work.

About six months ago, completely by accident, we ended up working together more closely for a while. I was so nervous around her that she asked me what was wrong. I decided to be honest and told her I liked her. She told me she liked me too and would like to get to know me better.

Because of her two kids, we could only meet after work for short periods. She was still living with one of the fathers, who was emotionally abusive towards her every day. As things between us developed, she gained the strength to move out and rent her own apartment in December.

I supported her the whole month (emotionally and practically) because she was afraid to tell him immediately that she was leaving. In January she finally moved into her fully renovated apartment.

And then, around mid-January, everything changed.

She told me it was all too much too fast, new apartment, raising two kids alone (even though she was basically already doing that), and that she has been going from relationship to relationship and never had time to truly be alone and find herself.

Now she says she needs distance, but she doesn’t want to break up. I can see she acts neutral with everyone, but this situation is driving me crazy. I feel like maybe I was just a crutch — someone who helped her get out of a bad situation.

Sometimes we talk about the situation. She still gives me a kiss on the lips, but I’m scared she’s only doing that because she doesn’t want to hurt me. She barely reaches out during the afternoons, but if I don’t text her that I’m okay, she complains about it.

I honestly don’t understand what’s happening.

I’m not necessarily looking for advice. I just don’t have anyone to share this with. But if anyone has been in a similar situation, I’d really appreciate hearing your thoughts.

Right now I’m at the point where I’m thinking about quitting my job and moving far away, just so I don’t accidentally run into her anymore.

Thanks for reading.

[Gebidozo]

I don’t understand the nature of your  relationship with her.

Were you ever together? Were you physically intimate? Did she make any sort of commitment to you, any promises?

 

[prlwm]

Yes, we were together, not officially in a big “Facebook status” way, but we were dating and emotionally involved.
We were physically intimate. It wasn’t just friendship or flirting. We acted like a couple, just without putting a formal label on it. We also kept it quiet from most people because we didn’t want it to look like she left her situation just because of me.

We could meet when the kids were with their father or with their grandparents. There were also times when we both took days off work so we could spend more time together and go somewhere else. So it wasn’t just random or occasional meetings, we made time for each other.

She told me she liked me and wanted to build something serious. When she decided to move out, she said I was a big reason she found the strength to do it. We talked about taking things step by step and seeing where it could go. There weren’t dramatic promises about the future, but there was definitely an understanding that this wasn’t casual.That’s why the sudden distance is so confusing for me. It didn’t feel temporary or light it felt real and mutual.
She told me that once she feels emotionally better and less exhausted, she will definitely let me know.

Edited 14 hours ago by prlwm

[Gebidozo]

I see, so you had an affair, she eventually broke up with her partner, and now isn’t sure about what she actually wants.

This happens a lot when a relationship starts as an affair. I’m not saying it’s always impossible to have a good relationship grow out of an affair, but in most cases, building something good on a bad foundation doesn’t work too well.

In retrospect, of course it would’ve been much better if you had started your relationship after she had broken up with her partner and not before. But even in that case, what’s happening now would still likely happen. It’s really hard to have a good relationship right after the breakup. Again, not impossible, but the odds aren’t in your favor.

I understand that your sexual relationship stopped after she moved out? Because you said it was just “kiss on the lips” and nothing more these days. In that case, I think yes, you should move on. 

 

[prlwm]

We’ve met once or twice since then, but yes, there hasn’t been any sex.

Thank you for your opinion. Deep down I think I see it the same way. I guess I was just holding on to hope, because unfortunately I fell in love with her.

[Sanch62]

Research the terms 'rebound' and 'rebounding'. It's a thing. It doesn't make anyone a villain, but it's typical with someone who attempts to leapfrog from one relationship to another. The speech about needing time to 'find myself' is as common as it gets. People usually need time to stabilize solo after a breakup.