koooo Posted February 23 Posted February 23 Hello. I recently met a man and we quickly became very close. We were strongly attracted to each other, and after only two weeks of knowing each other, we ended up living together in the same house. We both had feelings for each other, but we agreed not to kiss or become physically intimate. He said that we should only take that step after officially starting a relationship, so that it wouldn’t cause problems later. He also said we still needed a lot of time to get to know each other before beginning a serious relationship. When I first heard that, I felt happy. I thought he wasn’t just another player. I thought he was taking me seriously. However, only a few days after that conversation, we couldn’t resist and became physically involved. The next morning, I asked him where exactly our relationship stands now. I asked him what he wants, and when he thinks it would be right for us to officially start relationship. He told me that he sees me as someone he could date seriously and even potentially marry someday. But he said we still need more time. So I told him, “Okay, I agree. But if we’re going to take time before becoming official, I need you to promise that you won’t see other women during that time.” He said he couldn’t promise that. He explained that if he focuses only on me and stops seeing other women, he might fall even deeper in love than he already is. And if we later separate, it would hurt him too much, and that scares him. Even though we are not officially in a relationship, he still wants to continue being physically close. At that point, I thought maybe he was just another typical player. I regretted becoming physically involved with him and told him we should stop seeing each other. I packed his things and asked him to leave. But since then, he comes back almost every night with flowers, letters, and small gifts. He cries and tells me how much he loves me. The problem is… when I see that, my heart wavers. But I want to be his girlfriend, not just one of many women. I do like him, but I don’t think what I feel is love yet. And I assume he probably feels the same way, since it hasn’t even been two months since we met. I never said that just because we became physically close, we have to immediately start dating or that he has to declare his love. I simply told him, “If you see me as a potential partner in your future and you want to continue seeing me, then please promise me that you won’t see other women.” But he reacts as if I’m asking for something extremely unreasonable. I understand that becoming physically close with someone is not a bargaining tool and should not come with conditions. Still, why does it hurt me so much that he cannot promise exclusivity after we have already crossed that emotional and physical boundary? Sometimes I think that if we had not taken that step so quickly, I wouldn’t feel this hurt about his refusal. That’s why I regret that night so much. I’m a foreigner, so I’m not very familiar with Western dating culture. He says that in the West, it’s normal to date multiple people before officially relationship. I don’t know if that’s really true. And even if it is, we have already crossed an important emotional and physical boundary. If he truly loves me the way he says he does, why is it so hard for him to promise not to see other women? If I get angry and ask him why he can’t promise exclusivity, and tell him that it doesn’t feel like love that it feels like I’m not being taken seriously he answers very seriously. He says, “I truly love you. And one day, I will definitely make you my girlfriend. That’s my promise. Good things take time. Don’t rush. If you just wait, everything will be okay.” What do you think?
ExpatInItaly Posted February 23 Posted February 23 50 minutes ago, koooo said: What do you think? I think it was absolutely insane to move in together after two weeks. This man was a stranger to you. Where is your sense of self-preservation, girl? That was nuts. I would get as far away from him as possible. It's clear he wants sex and nothing more and is taking full advantage of your apparent naivety and lack of experience. Please don't expect him to be your boyfriend, and be smarter about protecting your own boundaries in the future. Do you have somewhere else you can stay? 1
Gebidozo Posted February 23 Posted February 23 4 hours ago, koooo said: What do you think? I think that you need to ask yourself why you did such a crazy thing and moved together with a complete stranger. People need many months and often years to get to know each other well enough to start living together. They do it after their relationship has stood the test of time and trust has been established. That’s a huge step. It’s also unfathomable why you’re letting this guy disrespect you like this. Don’t you understand that he is just using you for sex? Please get away from that guy immediately, block him completely, and promise yourself you’ll never do something as insane as this in the future. 1
ShyViolet Posted February 23 Posted February 23 It is unhinged behavior to move in with a stranger you just met two weeks ago. But besides that.... you've now been seeing him for two months. If he is still unwilling to stop seeing other women at this point, there's nothing else to talk about here. You need to stop seeing him and end it. He says he loves you, but at the same time says he doesn't want to be exclusive. That is a contradiction. You already have your answer. You are seriously kidding yourself and wasting your time if you continue to see him. 1
FredEire Posted February 23 Posted February 23 (edited) It is somewhat normal to take a little while before becoming exclusive in the west. The reason for this is that after a short time you don't really know the person, and often the initial pull and infatuation is not a good guide to how compatible you really are. Some people take more or less time before it feels like you're an item, but it's very much dependent on the person. What's absolutely not normal though is moving in together after two weeks, and before being intimate or even kissing. I'm not surprised the whole thing has become a confusing mess when you were living in the same house without even really knowing this guy. You were cautious about being physically intimate in a sexual sense, but why were you throwing caution to the wind in terms of having him in your living space? In any case it sounds like he is backing away but wants to keep you around for sex on the pretext that he is "not sure". From the tone of your post it doesn't sound like this is something you really want, so I would tell him its over and not to visit again. The main lesson in my opinion is that its totally fine and reasonable to take your time, but that means actually taking your time and not doing something rash like inviting a guy you've known for two weeks to come and live with you. Edited February 23 by FredEire 1
Sanch62 Posted February 23 Posted February 23 16 hours ago, koooo said: He says that in the West, it’s normal to date multiple people before officially relationship. Not while living with one of your dates. The guy is full of BS.
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