Semi-breakup after 6 years together, moved out because of disagreement about second child. I feel stuck between reconciliation and separation.

[Kaito1279]

Hi everyone,

 

I’m looking for honest perspectives because I feel very confused and emotionally stuck right now.

 

My partner and I have been together for about 6 years and we have a 5-year-old child together. Our relationship has never been perfect, especially during the first year we argued a lot, and during conflicts we sometimes talked about breaking up, but we never actually separated.

 

Recently, a major issue came up. My partner strongly wants a second child, and I don’t feel ready or willing to have another child. She gave me an ultimatum: either we try for another child or we break up.

 

Because of this, we decided on a kind of “semi-breakup”. I moved out so we could both reflect and decide what we really want and whether there is any compromise possible.

 

There are other underlying issues too:

 

- We are very different people with different interests.

- She says she feels I don’t give enough emotional support. I’m trying to understand whether that’s true and what it means.

- Sometimes she compares me to other men (for example saying someone else does more for his partner or buys certain things).

 

- She also calls me a “princess” and says I have feminine feelings. Sometimes she even calls me “gay.” She claims she’s the “man” of the house because she makes all the decisions. However, when I give my opinion, she downplays it and makes fun of me, which is why I let her decide.

 

 

- We rarely go out together anymore because she says she isn’t happy when we are together. I also notice that when we go out, I don’t feel much enjoyment either, and I don’t fully understand why.

 

Before the second-child topic came up, I actually felt our relationship was improving somewhat, and I had become used to our life together.

 

Since moving out, I feel a lot of uncertainty. I keep thinking about our child and how all of this will affect him. I find myself going back and forth between:

 

- trying reconciliation (possibly accepting the idea of another child), or

- accepting that maybe we should separate.

 

I don’t know if my confusion means the relationship still has potential or if it’s a sign that we are fundamentally incompatible.

 

I would really appreciate advice from people who have experienced something similar:

 

- How do you know whether to try reconciliation or move toward separation?

- Is it realistic to stay together when one partner wants another child and the other doesn’t?

- How should I think about this decision while also considering our child’s wellbeing?

 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Kaito1279 said:

- Is it realistic to stay together when one partner wants another child and the other doesn’t?

It would be realistic if neither were a dealbreaker to either of the partners.

It is absolutely not realistic in your case. First, because your partner has made it abundantly clear that not having a second child is a dealbreaker to her.

Second, because there are other severe issues in your relationship that warrant a breakup.

 

1 hour ago, Kaito1279 said:

How do you know whether to try reconciliation or move toward separation?

In your case, this question is easy to answer. You move towards separation because the way she’s been treating you is disrespectful, unloving, and bordering on abusive.

[Sanch62]

8 hours ago, Kaito1279 said:

- She also calls me a “princess” and says I have feminine feelings. Sometimes she even calls me “gay.” She claims she’s the “man” of the house because she makes all the decisions. However, when I give my opinion, she downplays it and makes fun of me, which is why I let her decide.

- We rarely go out together anymore because she says she isn’t happy when we are together. I also notice that when we go out, I don’t feel much enjoyment either, and I don’t fully understand why.

Unfortunately, none of the above can be resolved by having another baby. This woman doesn't respect you, which makes it unlikely she can love you. You deserve a better relationship with someone who can appreciate you. This woman is not her.

Edited Thursday at 08:30 PM by Sanch62

[ExpatInItaly]

18 hours ago, Kaito1279 said:

Is it realistic to stay together when one partner wants another child and the other doesn’t?

Of course not. Who would pay the ultimate price for that? That half-unwanted second child. Don't bring more kids into this mess. 

18 hours ago, Kaito1279 said:

How do you know whether to try reconciliation or move toward separation?

Oh, it's way past time to formally end the marriage. You two do not get along, barely like each other, and have already been exposing your child to this long enough. It's dysfunctional. It's one of those situations which should have ended a long time ago but perhaps both of you were trying to force a square peg into a round hole because you wanted a relationship of some kind, a child, or were just too afraid of being single again. But it's well past its expiration date now. Set yourself free, and pave a happier path forward for yourself. Your child will thank you later for not raising them in a toxic household. 

[Kaito1279]

Thank you all for your advice, I’ve been reading everything carefully and thinking a lot about it.

 

Many of you suggested proceeding with separation, and I understand the reasons behind that. I can see that our relationship has deep incompatibilities, and that this situation isn’t healthy long-term if nothing changes.

 

However, I’m really struggling with one major thing: my son.

 

Since moving out, the idea of not being with him every day has been extremely difficult for me. I keep thinking about how this will affect him, and also how it will affect my relationship with him over time.

 

Because of that, I’ve started questioning myself a lot. Part of me is even considering whether I should accept having a second child, not because I truly want it, but because it would allow us to stay together as a family and keep being present in my son’s daily life.

 

At the same time, I’m aware that this would mean sacrificing something very important to me, and I’m not sure if that would lead to resentment later on or create even bigger problems in the future.

 

So now I feel stuck between two difficult options:

- separating and risking losing daily life with my son, or

- staying and agreeing to something I don’t truly want, just to preserve the family.

 

If anyone has been in a similar situation, choosing between your own long-term happiness and staying for your child, I would really appreciate hearing how it turned out for you.

How do you make a decision like this without regretting it later?

Thank you again for your perspectives.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Kaito1279 said:

Part of me is even considering whether I should accept having a second child, not because I truly want it, but because it would allow us to stay together as a family and keep being present in my son’s daily life.

Do you realize how deeply offensive this thinking is to your second child?

“I never wanted you, but I agreed to have you so that I could spend more time with your brother”.

Sorry for saying it bluntly like that, but I truly hope you won’t go that way. Your second child will be unhappy, and your son surely also won’t appreciate growing up with parents who are in a loveless relationship. 

 

1 hour ago, Kaito1279 said:

If anyone has been in a similar situation, choosing between your own long-term happiness and staying for your child, I would really appreciate hearing how it turned out for you.

You wouldn’t be staying for your child. Your son will be much better off with divorced parents than in a toxic household.

So the choice isn’t between your long-term happiness and yours, it’s between the possibility of long-term happiness for everyone involved and staying physically closer to your son while everyone is miserable.

I was in a situation that was much less divorce-ready than yours. I still chose to divorce. My son is 17 now, we keep in touch. 

[Sanch62]

Negotiate joint custody. The more amicable you can make the separation, the more freely you're likely to keep access to your son.

Don't conflate co-parenting with staying in a lousy relationship. That makes everybody unhappy, and nobody 'wins'.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Kaito1279 said:

art of me is even considering whether I should accept having a second child, not because I truly want it, but because it would allow us to stay together as a family and keep being present in my son’s daily life.

This is an astonishingly selfish reason to have a child.