Don't know how to give my boyfriend the alone time he's asking for

[Anonymous]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years now. Recently we've hit a bit of a rough patch but we're in couples therapy and trying to work things out. I think things have gotten a lot better over the last couple of months but one thing he's still asking for that he feels isn't being addressed is alone time. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for alone time and I think it's important for couples to have their own space and activities from time to time but I genuinely have no idea how to accommodate the level of alone time he's asking for. Ideally he's said that he'd like alone time once he gets off work which would be fine except he doesn't feel like it's really alone time unless he's completely alone (in other words, I'm out of the house). He also regularly gets off work around 9-11pm. By that time everything is pretty much closed and I have nowhere to go besides maybe the bar? But I don't really drink and I'm also an introvert who doesn't really like staying out late to begin with. I know he's constantly surrounded by people and just needs a break sometimes but how am I supposed to give him that when there's really nowhere for me to go? It's also not like I'm constantly at home. I spend most of my day out running errands, doing homework at the library or a coffee shop, visiting my mom, going to appointments/meetings, exercise classes, etc. I'm tired at the end of the day and I also want to decompress but I feel like at least a few times a week I come home to someone who would genuinely prefer that I be anywhere else. Idk, maybe I just needed a place to vent but if anyone has advice on how to navigate this, that would be awesome too. 

[Sony12]

Sounds like you two shouldn't be living together if he wants to be completely alone in the house when he gets home from work.  What is your two's living arrangement? Do you both have money invested in where you live or are you basically living at his place or is he living at yours?

Edited Tuesday at 12:31 PM by Sony12

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Anonymous said:

Ideally he's said that he'd like alone time once he gets off work which would be fine except he doesn't feel like it's really alone time unless he's completely alone (in other words, I'm out of the house)

Is that what he actually asked of you? 

Because in that case, he's being completely unreasonable and unrealistic for a couple that lives together. If he can't feel like he has alone time unless you are literally not in the house when he comes home from work, your relationship is essentially doomed. 

What were the problems that lead to you two seeking therapy? 

Edited Tuesday at 01:04 PM by ExpatInItaly

[Gebidozo]

Asking your partner that you live together with to go out of the house because you need to be alone is incredibly selfish and disrespectful.

I’m surprised that you agreed to do that in the first place.

If he wants alone time, he should get out of the house himself.

Maybe living together isn’t a good idea at this point?

[Gaeta]

Are you serious!! No one would have me leave my home at 9pm to give a boyfriend some time alone! If you live in a small space and there is no room for him to have his man cave then he can setup your bedroom so he can spend some time alone there. If he absolutely wants you outside the home then he's hiding something. If he needs more then 1 hour to decompress by himself then maybe he's better living on his own. 

[Els]

Wow, that's ridiculous.

I'm a huge introvert and so is my husband. We both need "alone time" - but for us "alone time" means doing stuff in the house without the other person being INVOLVED, like our personal hobbies. Sometimes we need to be in separate rooms due to noise reasons (like if one person is gaming and the other is reading). It does not and has never meant that the other person needs to be out of the house!!

If he literally needs an entire HOUSE to himself, he needs to be single, or at least not live with anyone. Ever. And you need to seriously have a think about whether this relationship has any future.

[Sony12]

Agree. OP is it his house that you are living in?

[FredEire]

Alone time is one thing, but relationships involve compromise and asking you to be out of your own house at a time when everyone is tired and winding down for the night is not fair.

If he needs that space he should be able to do it somewhere else, like go for a run with his headphones in around your local area etc. Demanding you vacate the house at such a late hour is ridiculous.

[ShyViolet]

His request is crazy and unreasonable.  If he wants some alone time where you don't bother him and you each do your own thing while at home, that's reasonable.  But to ask you to be out of the house every night when he gets home from work, no one would agree to that.  It sounds like maybe he does not want to live with you anymore.

[Sanch62]

Where did you get the idea that it's up to you to design a solution for his problem?

If he wants to 'address' his alone time, he can step up and do that with a clear request. If his request involves kicking you out of your own home, then I'd counter with an offer for him to get a place of his own.

[Sony12]

If he is really demanding that he must be alone in the house I'm surprised they have been dating for five years. Then again who knows how long they have actually been living together or around each other frequently.

[Lotsgoingon]

This is his problem. He needs to learn how to emotionally feel comfortable alone--with you in the house. Most couples solve this one by allowing the partner who wants alone time to not have to do a lot of talking.

If he requires you to leave, that's just unrealistic and insulting. He needs to get to individual therapy to figure out how to feel rejuvenated with you around. I wonder if he grew up in a family where people NEVER shut up, so he thinks he needs an empty house. 

It's HIS job to work this out. Not yours. Maybe he can occasionally take a Saturday to himself and go walking, hiking or just listen to music. But that would be once a month kinda thing. I'm suspicious that your bf is more unhappy with the relationship than he's letting on. You might need to get your guard up--he may be angling to break up with you. 

 

[Alpacalia]

Why doesn't he just go out with his friends or leave the house himself if he needs alone time. Is it he specifically wants time away from you? Because that's what it sounds like.

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