i used to be an escort

[ohokayigetit]

i’m worried my dating life is over because of this and i would like to share and get advice.

 

i am 23 years old. at 19 i began using fentanyl/ketamine/cocaine heavily and supported my habit and crash outs by seeing men online.

i think its important to point out that i felt driven to a point of no return to do this. i was incredibly depressed but did not want to die, i had just quit college due to horrible anorexia, and just before entering that world i had f***ed up a job incredibly and was fired in 4 hours. i came to a conclusion that with my lack of Anything i just had to do what could be done to make ends meet. and ill be honest, making rent in 2 hours rather than 2 weeks felt relieving. 

i was essentially posting on local websites and ID verifying everyone i saw. i was very reckless as i only wanted the roof over my head and the baggies in my pocket. at that point i had become incredibly bulimic and balled out on horribly expensive food for the dopamine rush. i truly did not see myself as someone who would make it to tomorrow, i had no care for my future. i was doing physical work for about 6 months until i ended up in rehab.

up until about 6 months ago i had also posted on onlyfans and gathered some income like that. my rehab was overseas and i was unable to work and i had done that up until i understood i could work honestly, and for a reason i will mention below.

coming out of the mud was a beautiful experience and i am now 1.5 years sober and with a different goal set and ideals. however i am naive to think everyone else will see me as a success story and find fondness in that change, so i would idiotically babble about it pretty openly when meeting new people. it would be ideal for me to get to a place where it isn’t a secret to those around me, but that i stop going into more detail than i should, tell them “this was part of my past” and leave it at that. 

my ex / my bf / whatever he is right now has made me feel like i have to hide this from future partners. i had only shut down my onlyfans when i realized we were official and he was offering to take care of bills for me.

i am not sure if it’s him or my past, but it is/was brought up any time he split on me (borderline personality, both of us). he has told me that he can’t masturbate because he thinks of the people who “had” me in the past and that they could ask whatever they wanted of me and would get it. my “holes” are mentioned constantly, he believes i operate solely on who i can have sex with to receive something in return, i’ve been told that the “motel 6 is waiting for me”. essentially what im trying to say is that whether he tried to suppress the discomfort he felt or not, he didn’t do it well and im wondering if every man will think of me this way.

its hard for me to believe that in order to be worthy of love i have to suppress the things that have made me the person i am today, whoever wants to fall for me next would have to realize that the person they fell for is only this way because of the chain of events that have happened in their past.

my ultimate question is must i start suppressing this. that conclusion is worrying because there is always a chance it could somehow come out later down the line. 

[Gebidozo]

First things first: your (hopefully) ex-boyfriend’s behavior is gravely disrespectful and abusive.

Please cut off all contact with him. You don’t deserve to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love and respect you.

A confident man who isn’t intimidated by female sexuality and is mature enough to understand that people make mistakes and then grow and change will accept you in your entirety, including your past.

I wouldn’t go into details and probably not mention it on the first date if I were you, but I personally believe that sharing the facts of your past with someone you want to have a serious relationship with is important.

That way, you’ll weed out men who care more about their insecurities and complexes than about you.

As long as you don’t cheat on your partner, you shouldn’t feel retroactively guilty for whatever you’ve done in the past.