i don’t wanna stay but i don’t wanna go

[ohokayigetit]

i have bpd and autism so that already places me in the negatives in terms of wifey material

despite knowing that my boyfriend still gave me a chance but since the start of the relationship i've placed him in incidents that have eroded his trust in me.

in the first incident i was keeping around a male friend who used to like me and i didn't know that detail was important genuinely. i was asked if this person used to have feelings for me or vice versa and the guy's attempt happened so long ago that it had slipped my memory. my bf ended up looking thru my phone and scrolled all the way up to 2023 to find the texts where i tell the guy that we are friends and just that. after then he never pursued me again. to bf i lied and kept around someone who was a threat. keep in mind this person is no where near me rn though.

second incident fangirled in a niche artists dms and sent heart emojis

third incident was intentional and non autistic / confusion based where i lied to him about contacting a third party about whether a guy i used to see deep in fentanyl addition was still alive. i had told bf i was inquiring about a friend. due to the previous incidents i was weary to tell the truth. that comes up all the time and im told i was pursuing the ex when i was just looking for closure essentially

fourth incident bf had dumped me and i asked a newer male friend if he knew of anyone who had a room available because i want to leave my boyfriend. my bf takes care of everything for me and i don't have a source of income, so fear motivated me to self preserve. this makes sense to me because my bf tells me if this guy wanted to pursue me he would and that my action makes it easier for him. and it probably makes my bf feel like a "cuck" which is a word he uses all the time.

my bf had told me at the start of the relationship that he has trust issues bc every girl he had been with cheated on him. i asked him why and he told me probably because he gets really mean. and he does, he was diagnosed with bpd a few weeks ago. some things he said in the beginning were scary like he was telling me he was grateful i didn't dress like a slut and i wasn't allowed to talk about my past if i was with someone else at the time, even though i liked to hear about his relationships because they made him the person i fell for. i never moved with the intentions of hurting him, ive honestly never had a boyfriend who cared about my male interactions this much so i was moving without experience, but ive hurt him nonetheless.

i didn't have any malicious intent with the incidents ive caused but that doesnt matter at this point, he doesn't trust me with men anymore and i veer towards that side when i make friendships especially as th community i am involved with now (addiction recovery) is male dominated so i dont have many social contacts now. he's taught me about male/female dynamics and how men who speak to me will usually just want to f*** me and i've never really understood that in the past. it f***s with my head and i'm told i'm building a roster and doing all this evil s*** just because i'm a girl.

when he's stable he doesn't trust me much, i'm always talking to a guy or building a roster or scheming to leave him and frog hop to the next person. i could be in a therapy session or making him dinner and he's accusing me of all that, when in actuality i am so unbearably lonely and socially starved. he tells me there's no trust from his end and i should stop moving like there is (i didn't text him for 4 hours once because i was with a 12 step sponsor and he threatened to break up with me, despite having my location and me telling him where im going). it's the worst when he splits because he complains and complains about me and then i tell him to leave if hes so miserable and he gets mad at that. i can't really bring anything up that he does that bothers me or else it can be deemed a double standard or a justification. he also tells me i dont take accountability for my actions and he's right, i usually get angry when it's all brought up. i think thats because i dont understand the severity of his reactions to what i did, and i dont see it as big of a deal as he does.

he's not bad. i guess all relationship advice posts end off with that. i wanna be with him but i don't know where to start on helping him mend. i have a lot of self development and career/school things to do and i can't focus because i wonder how we'll mend constantly.

last night we exploded into an argument because my phone died and when it rebooted a bunch of notifs came up and it triggered him. i told him they were realtors i was speaking to about finding us a place. he doesn’t trust me of course and continued with that narrative. i got upset and told him “please not now i just need you”. he works 10 hours a day and i just wanted him in his essence then. i had spent time making him dinner and i wanted to enjoy the meal with him, i missed him all day. but he took that as me dismissing him. he ended up speaking to his therapist and came to the conclusion that i am self centered. he split on me told me i was insane for believing that we could survive a house together and that the kid in my stomach (i just tested positive a week ago) isn’t his. he told me he believes everything he says in splits. we went to bed separately and i got so stressed out that i started to plan a way out of this house. 

today i reached out and hes in the same mentality. he told me i would never kill myself because i need to “keep myself and my holes pretty” and that he regrets getting a “prostitute” pregnant. nothing i haven’t heard from him in past splits. 

i want him and more importantly i feel as though i need him, i cant stand knowing there is another person on this earth who f***ing hates me. i wanna get high and die so badly. i have something in the works to leave tomorrow to another sober house, but im afraid me going will be the complete end to us. 

truly he is a good person the best boy i have had, he has put up with a lot from my end emotionally and still gave me a chance up until this point 

also im told that when i explain the situation i portray myself as a victim, so sorry if i did that. i tried my best to highlight my part. i don't know if im naive or stupid but i didn't know all of this was so important. maybe i wasn't raised right or something

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, ohokayigetit said:

i wanna get high and die so badly. i have something in the works to leave tomorrow to another sober house, but im afraid me going will be the complete end to us. 

Kindly, the sort of help and support you need is beyond the scope of this forum. 

Can you speak to a counsellor or emergency services about these feelings? 

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, ohokayigetit said:

truly he is a good person the best boy i have had

If you really think that this abusive man with serious mental issues is the best, then you need professional help ASAP.

Frankly, the issues you describe are too severe to be handled by the people of this forum.

Please get away from that man and seek professional help from therapists, counselors, and alike. You can’t do it alone.