a guy in his 30s living with parents in nyc while paying for grad school. is this a turnoff?

[cashny3]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

I know you have a therapist, but do you have a psychiatrist?  Because it sounds like you're in a crushing depression and need help.  And while you're talking about wanting to die, you're not in a fit state to be dating anyway.  

On a different note, do you have friends?   Do you hang out with them and enjoy their company?

 

I have friends and enjoy their company but that doesn't make up for my lack of romance. and yea I have a psychiatrist. he wants me to start spravato and tms for my ocd but I'm not expecting any miracles. I'd be a lot more happy if I knew I was datable and lovable romantically. I would be much happier getting with attractive women. but I know nobody in nyc who has a lot of options wants a skinny 5 foot 8 guy barely making any money. 

[flitzanu]

2 hours ago, cashny3 said:

I have friends and enjoy their company but that doesn't make up for my lack of romance. and yea I have a psychiatrist. he wants me to start spravato and tms for my ocd but I'm not expecting any miracles. I'd be a lot more happy if I knew I was datable and lovable romantically. I would be much happier getting with attractive women. but I know nobody in nyc who has a lot of options wants a skinny 5 foot 8 guy barely making any money. 

as a clinically diagnosed depressed person myself, with all due respect, this is not accurate.

if your chemicals in your brain are not in sync, then it isn't going to matter how successful or bangable you are, you're still going to be depressed.

it's like being sad and taking a vacation - you're just going to be sad in Hawaii.

 

[FredEire]

19 hours ago, cashny3 said:

Be honest ladies, should I even bother? For a bunch of reasons I've never been able to move out of my parent's house. I'm not paying bills for living but I'm paying for grad school and my Healthcare. I've only lived away from them in college when I dormed as well as lived in an off campus house.

I'm trying really hard to get a better job but its hard because I can't gain experience if jobs won't hire me in the first place. I only make 24 an hour in change and am tired of being stuck.I feel like this grad school program is my only option but its in public health and the salaries don't sound promising.

I'm 34 btw and really wanna move up in life but its hard because the cost of living here is ridiculous. My mother thinks I should drop this program and take a civil service exam because I don't seem passionate in this path. I wanna help people but I don't wanna be broke doing it.

I'm trying to work with the career counselor. Obviously a partner isn't the only reason I want to move up in life but I never had a girlfriend and want to experience a relationship for once.

You don't deserve to be talking yourself down. You are going to be your only constant companion in this life so you deserve to treat yourself kindly and with compassion.

I really think you need a change of scenery, it would be a big shift in your life and mindset but I think that its a chance worth taking. You're right that the cost of living is ridiculous in NYC and it seems to be making your miserable, its possible that it just isnt your place.

I know it's where your friends and family are but sometimes youve got to just spread your wings and fly somewhere different. Many many people live in different places to their family, and they are still there for them even though they can't be as close.

I understand feeling stuck, Im at a similar age to yourself and relate to some of what youve posted, but youve just go to make a plan and stick to it and if your family is really there for you they will wish you well instead of trying to stop you.

Like @basil67 said above I don't think a relationship is a priority now. They generally work better when you are in a more steady place in your life, anyone you could meet now if you were to connect with someone would likely be someone trying to "fix" you, and/or you would try and fix yourself through your relationship with them. Those co-dependent partnerships never end well. Do the work on yourself first.

[cashny3]

5 hours ago, flitzanu said:

as a clinically diagnosed depressed person myself, with all due respect, this is not accurate.

if your chemicals in your brain are not in sync, then it isn't going to matter how successful or bangable you are, you're still going to be depressed.

it's like being sad and taking a vacation - you're just going to be sad in Hawaii.

 

I can relate to the travel thing a bit. the same s*** is on my mind when I travel but it's definitely better than sitting in my room crying myself to sleep lol

 

[cashny3]

4 hours ago, FredEire said:

You don't deserve to be talking yourself down. You are going to be your only constant companion in this life so you deserve to treat yourself kindly and with compassion.

I really think you need a change of scenery, it would be a big shift in your life and mindset but I think that its a chance worth taking. You're right that the cost of living is ridiculous in NYC and it seems to be making your miserable, its possible that it just isnt your place.

I know it's where your friends and family are but sometimes youve got to just spread your wings and fly somewhere different. Many many people live in different places to their family, and they are still there for them even though they can't be as close.

I understand feeling stuck, Im at a similar age to yourself and relate to some of what youve posted, but youve just go to make a plan and stick to it and if your family is really there for you they will wish you well instead of trying to stop you.

Like @basil67 said above I don't think a relationship is a priority now. They generally work better when you are in a more steady place in your life, anyone you could meet now if you were to connect with someone would likely be someone trying to "fix" you, and/or you would try and fix yourself through your relationship with them. Those co-dependent partnerships never end well. Do the work on yourself first.

I was definitely way way happier when I was younger. but it got worse as I got older and don't know if it will ever get better tbh.

[cashny3]

4 hours ago, FredEire said:

You don't deserve to be talking yourself down. You are going to be your only constant companion in this life so you deserve to treat yourself kindly and with compassion.

I really think you need a change of scenery, it would be a big shift in your life and mindset but I think that its a chance worth taking. You're right that the cost of living is ridiculous in NYC and it seems to be making your miserable, its possible that it just isnt your place.

I know it's where your friends and family are but sometimes youve got to just spread your wings and fly somewhere different. Many many people live in different places to their family, and they are still there for them even though they can't be as close.

I understand feeling stuck, Im at a similar age to yourself and relate to some of what youve posted, but youve just go to make a plan and stick to it and if your family is really there for you they will wish you well instead of trying to stop you.

Like @basil67 said above I don't think a relationship is a priority now. They generally work better when you are in a more steady place in your life, anyone you could meet now if you were to connect with someone would likely be someone trying to "fix" you, and/or you would try and fix yourself through your relationship with them. Those co-dependent partnerships never end well. Do the work on yourself first.

I keep thinking that sex at minimum will make me feel better and make me feel better about myself. but I guess it would be no different than a drug offering temporary happiness

[basil67]

9 hours ago, cashny3 said:

I have friends and enjoy their company but that doesn't make up for my lack of romance. and yea I have a psychiatrist. he wants me to start spravato and tms for my ocd but I'm not expecting any miracles. I'd be a lot more happy if I knew I was datable and lovable romantically. I would be much happier getting with attractive women. but I know nobody in nyc who has a lot of options wants a skinny 5 foot 8 guy barely making any money. 

 To be frank, you need to get your mental health sorted out before you can expect to have successful dating.  No woman, attractive or not, is going to get involved with a guy who is miserable with his life.   

I do also want to point out that your comments about women are objectifying them.  You only talk about their attractiveness and sex.... and guys who think like this are not the guys who women want to date.  Further, given that you've previously given a laundry list of the reasons why you don't look good, I'd say you'd be punching above your weight if you're looking for a conventionally attractive woman.   

Lastly, my slim attractive daughter is over 5'7 and her fiance is 5'6, so don't be complaining to me about being not tall enough or big enough at 5'8.  

Edited 5 hours ago by basil67

[basil67]

1 hour ago, cashny3 said:

I keep thinking that sex at minimum will make me feel better and make me feel better about myself. but I guess it would be no different than a drug offering temporary happiness

I've always found that sex outside of a relationship leaves me feeling empty. I suspect you'd feel the same

Edited 5 hours ago by basil67

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, cashny3 said:

I keep thinking that sex at minimum will make me feel better and make me feel better about myself. but I guess it would be no different than a drug offering temporary 

Sex is a highly important form of communication between people.

That’s why the first thing you should is stop thinking about sex like it’s a thing that you get for yourself.

Because, by extension, that makes you think of women as suppliers of sex.

Do I need to explain why that is a bad thing?

[Gebidozo]

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

No woman, attractive or not, is going to get involved with a guy who is miserable with his life.   

Have been trying to explain this to the OP for a while already.

The OP wants to be lovable and datable so that he can enjoy his life.

But he has to enjoy his life to become lovable and datable.

Horse and carriage…

[Lisa]

Threads by OP have been closed as there is no more useful advice which can be given