I'm scared. Where do I go from here?

[regarding love]

Hiya, 

Thank you for reading this. Honestly, I have nowhere else to turn. 

Overview

I have been with my partner for many, many years, though we've been married for five. She's awesome. 

Despite this, we never have intercourse. She suffers from body dysmorphia and vaginismus, so sexual intimacy has all but left our relationship. 

I tried to discuss this. She sought help. But after a short while, she stopped trying. I wasn't sure how else to support her. Though, I was becoming sexually frustrated. 

Infidelity 

Instead, to vent my frustrations, I turned to the internet - I know, I know, it's hardly the ideal antidote. 

Nonetheless, I grew accustomed to pornography. It satiated my desires. A quick and easy solution. It became my escape. 

Years later, I joined chatrooms. Just with other men, discussing "hot celebrities" or pornstars. Innocent at first - from a certain point of view, at least. 

Eventually, I met someone online who was local. Another married guy enjoying pornography. Long story short, we met up. We ended up masturbating to porn. Nothing else, mind. 

I'm not attracted to men - I know how weird that sounds, believe me - and I have no desire to touch another guy. 

Yet, we would meet infrequently to enjoy pornography together. I would always feel hollow. Always feel disgusted. Yet I persisted. I continued to meet up. I guess I justified it because it wasn't a woman. I wasn't attracted to the guy. I was just masturbating with someone else doing the same thing. Like friends watching a football game - I know, ludicrous!

Anyway, I stopped talking to him. I realised that I needed to get my life back on track.

Counseling 

So, I've started receiving help. Meeting a licensed therapist to help me untangle my emotions and frustrations. 

We've been having tough but necessary conversations. 

I hate lying to my wife. I honestly love her. She's bonkers beautiful, and crazy funny. It bothers me that I essentially cheated on her and to reveal the truth could upend my entire existence - not just with her, but all my friends and family. 

My therapist helps but seldom offers solutions. I feel so alone and just want someone to guide me. Yet, I know that can't be. I want a healthy and happy relationship. 

I'm a genuine guy. But in this glaring blemish, I am not.

What should I do?

So, where do I go from here? 

I made a ridiculous mistake in a vain effort to appease my sexual frustration. I have become a monster - at least, I think so. 

I can tell her. It could remove the guilt I feel but destroy her - she already suffers with her mental health - and potentially risk my own family disowning me. I met a man after all, even if nothing much happened. 

I can have a separate conversation and try to work together to fix the lack of intimacy.

I could break up with her and forsake years of life together and upend our future.

Please, if you've made it this far, help with any thoughts or suggestions. 

Bless you,

[Gebidozo]

First of all, I don’t think that masturbating to porn with another dude qualifies you as a monster.

Of all borderline cheating situations, this must be the one most leaning towards non-cheating. You didn’t have any contact with another woman at all. You didn’t touch the other guy.  I honestly think you should stop beating yourself up so much over that.

It does sound that you’re sexually frustrated and lonely, though.

One thing I could frankly never quite understand when reading about situations such as yours is why the couple wouldn’t simply replace the standard penis-in-vagina intercourse with something else.

There are so many ways to enjoy sexual intimacy without performing that act. Have you and your wife tried anything at all?

Blowjob, handjob, boob job, anal, heavy petting, anything? Surely any of those would satisfy you more than masturbating to porn?

Edited yesterday at 12:53 AM by Gebidozo

[regarding love]

11 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

First of all, I don’t think that masturbating to porn with another dude qualifies you as a monster.

Of all borderline cheating situations, this must be the one most leaning towards non-cheating. You didn’t have any contact with another woman at all. You didn’t touch the other guy.  I honestly think you should stop beating yourself up so much over that.

It does sound that you’re sexually frustrated and lonely, though.

One thing I could frankly never quite understand when reading about situations such as yours is why the couple wouldn’t simply replace the standard penis-in-vagina intercourse with something else.

There are so many ways to enjoy sexual intimacy without performing that act. Have you and your wife tried anything at all?

Blowjob, handjob, boob job, anal, heavy petting, anything? Surely any of those would satisfy you more than masturbating to porn?

Thank you for taking the time to reply. 

I know what you're saying but it's still an act of infidelity, I guess. 

So we used to be intimate outside penetration. Many of the options you've listed. However, that's almost completely dried up, too. 

She's very self conscious so feels she's repellent. 

I'm not sure what to do. I don't know whether I should confess my sins. Whether I need to discuss this wider (no intimacy) issue in a more meaningful, serious way. 

[Sanch62]

Dealing with your marital intimacy requires the help of an expert with a precision tool, not a clumsy slam with a sledgehammer.

Discuss with your therapist a referral to a couple's counselor who specializes in sex issues.

If you really want to blow up your marriage, then go ahead and blow it up. That's not against the law; it's just not going to buy you anything but the distraction of drama to the detriment of all--and for zero payoff.

[regarding love]

3 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

Dealing with your marital intimacy requires the help of an expert with a precision tool, not a clumsy slam with a sledgehammer.

Discuss with your therapist a referral to a couple's counselor who specializes in sex issues.

If you really want to blow up your marriage, then go ahead and blow it up. That's not against the law; it's just not going to buy you anything but the distraction of drama to the detriment of all--and for zero payoff.

This seems a tad hostile. Nonetheless, thank you for your reply. 

[Sanch62]

19 hours ago, regarding love said:

This seems a tad hostile. Nonetheless, thank you for your reply. 

No hostility intended by pointing out that harming a relationship is not a reasonable way to try to save it.