Ambivalent (did she or didn't she, and if so, at this point...does it even matter?)

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, merrmeade said:

I don't usually keep reading after such generalizations, but you seem so agitated and I couldn't stand seeing someone duped so thoroughly for so long - as I had been. It's worth it to reclaim your truth and be glad about your own choices and integrity. You need to leave this world with self-respect, B&S.

OP, listen to this excellent advice.

In various posts, OP, you talk about how long your marriage has lasted and how it's been a great marriage. But let's be honest, if your situation were tolerable, you wouldn't be here posting about it in the first place.

I too wouldn't be able to live with the lies for the rest of my life. I would insist on having the hard conversations about the truth. It's my suggestion that you do the same. But if you ultimately choose not to, that's up to you. It's your life. You will have to make peace with that choice.

[Imogen_77]

This is more about respect than about anything else. I would not be able to live with somebody who doesn’t show me respect. And to pull tons of wool over your eyes is lack of respect on her part. Let’s be honest - you cannot move on, because you simply don’t know the truth and she is withholding that from you. So there is no way to heal from this and I get it ….. you had your EA and you had your 30 years of some emotional affair that has been hidden, but it was still there under the surface for all these decades, and it’s probably painful for your wife as well. 
But the only way to get out of this is to talk about it honestly and openly. Both of you have to do that, in order to show respect to the other one.
 

[merrmeade]

Hey I wasn’t judging you by the way. By integrity and choices I meant the fact that you chose not to have affairs and not to hide things from her. You’re a nice guy who was duped because you’re not like her. That’s a quality, not a deficit. You didn’t lie easily or as well as she does. Usually that’s fundamental to who you are. Are you still that person? If so, accept it as something that makes you worthy of love and respect, not gaslighting. You deserve better and should demand it.

If not - if you’re not still that person - then go for it. Cheat, lie maybe even pursue your old flame, the EA, as you suggest in your other thread. Not sure that will neutralize your bitterness, but it might make you less sad. For a while anyway. Until your wife finds out. And you know she won’t think she deserves it. She’s compartmentalized her thinking and won’t think about having cheated on you. She tends to feel entitled in general and won’t be humble . It will, therefore, force a reckoning with her when she finds out. And she WILL. That is certainly a way to force a confrontation.

Edited Saturday at 04:38 AM by merrmeade

[Sanch62]

On 3/15/2026 at 9:09 PM, bitter and sad said:

I don't know how many times I can say all's well, but for my thoughts about her past and deception.

Well, according to your other thread, your thoughts about W's potential deceptions are useful in keeping W in a villain role to justify your 16 years of being in love with someone else and entertaining ideas about contacting that woman yet again.

Not being accusatory, it just makes no sense to get frustrated with strangers for not connecting your dots if you're obfuscating your own motives from your Self.