Ambivalent (did she or didn't she, and if so, at this point...does it even matter?)

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, merrmeade said:

I don't usually keep reading after such generalizations, but you seem so agitated and I couldn't stand seeing someone duped so thoroughly for so long - as I had been. It's worth it to reclaim your truth and be glad about your own choices and integrity. You need to leave this world with self-respect, B&S.

OP, listen to this excellent advice.

In various posts, OP, you talk about how long your marriage has lasted and how it's been a great marriage. But let's be honest, if your situation were tolerable, you wouldn't be here posting about it in the first place.

I too wouldn't be able to live with the lies for the rest of my life. I would insist on having the hard conversations about the truth. It's my suggestion that you do the same. But if you ultimately choose not to, that's up to you. It's your life. You will have to make peace with that choice.

[Imogen_77]

This is more about respect than about anything else. I would not be able to live with somebody who doesn’t show me respect. And to pull tons of wool over your eyes is lack of respect on her part. Let’s be honest - you cannot move on, because you simply don’t know the truth and she is withholding that from you. So there is no way to heal from this and I get it ….. you had your EA and you had your 30 years of some emotional affair that has been hidden, but it was still there under the surface for all these decades, and it’s probably painful for your wife as well. 
But the only way to get out of this is to talk about it honestly and openly. Both of you have to do that, in order to show respect to the other one.