Ambivalent (did she or didn't she, and if so, at this point...does it even matter?)

[bitter and sad]

My situation is so fact-specific, if the "wrong" person reads this, my identity would be easily ascertained.  So, some facts may be inexact, but I'll relate the main points.

I am pretty sure my wife has had at least one affair, maybe 2, maybe more. These would have occurred quite a while ago.  These have not been discussed extensively, or even confrontationally, but regardless, she has never admitted to anything, and unequivocally denied the one that is most certain.  Clearly complicating things is that way back when, I actually encouraged her to be with other men.  She never agreed to that either, so it's not like any affairs would be ok.  To add - before getting into my, "what to do" question - is that I had an affair as well, after her possible first (quite likely, but not a certainty), and before her 2nd (98% certainty).  The near-certain affair occurred while I was far away for a long period of time, and may have also included sex w a few other men as well - an old BF, 2 BFFs' husbands (w/permission actually).  To be clear about this near-certain affair and the flings, my wife acts the conservative, but she was/is extremely attractive, gets plenty of attention from men (the BFFs' Hs for sure), certainly enjoys sex, and had considerable time to do anything she wanted with anyone.  I should add, before I went away, I once again told her that I would understand if she turned to others to "have her needs met" while I was gone.

A tad more info (this is where I have to be careful).  By most outside observations, we are close to the ideal, happily-married couple.  And I'd say we are happily-married.  Retired, grandchildren, no $$ concerns, etc.  So, what's the problem many might say?  Her past, and the long-term dishonesty, eats at me, secretly.  Yes, I gave her the so-called Hall Pass, even encouraged it.  She rejected it.  If she was to sleep with other men, we could have shared that - it could have been fun for both of us.  That's not what happened.  I later had an emotional affair w a younger woman, and that was found out.  I admitted to it.  While ultimately I was "forgiven," I have paid for it dearly.  We are ostensibly healed, beyond it, but hah, a woman never forgets.  That card has been played many times over the years.  The issue then has become...my bitterness.  Hey, but what about you?  And your dalliances were not emotional, they were sexual, or both in a couple instances.  And not one time, or with one person, but 2, 3, or more, equating to dozens of sexual encounters.  But you get to be recognized as the chaste one, because unlike me, you won't admit to it/them.  Wife-good; Husband-bad.  But that's not likely true.  And I resent your duplicity when my honesty cost me significantly.

Now, anticipating some comments and advice to be offered.  Comments - how are these affairs and how are you bothered when you encouraged it?  Like I said, she rejected this flatly anytime it was offered.  So, in my book, while maybe still exciting to me sexually, it is NOT ok morally, and NOT ok in terms of marital fidelity and honesty.  Advice - if it bothers you, confront her.  Talk.  Communication is key.  Yup, all the usual advice - communication and honesty are paramount.  Sure, but if I bring any of this up:  (a) she'll go nuts, (b) deny it all again, adamantly, vehemently, and (c) turn it completely around and accuse me of subversion, wanting out, why now, why are you doing this, yada, yada.  We cannot have a rational, reasonable, honest, fair conversation about these things.  It's impossible.  Believe me, I know.  It would be akin to declaring divorce (which I am NOT saying I want).  Leading me to...

What to do?  It has haunted me for a long, long time, but only seems to be getting worse as I age and enter my senior years.

[Gebidozo]

If you encouraged her to sleep with other men, why are you surprised that she eventually did it?

These kinds of things should be discussed very gently and carefully, and even then, if there is so much as a hint of disagreement, abandoned completely.

Instead, it appears that you repeatedly, one-sidedly suggested that she has sex with other men, disregarding the fact that she kept disagreeing.

She probably felt disrespected and hurt when you told her she could “have her needs met” with someone else when you were gone.

Most people resent the idea of having sex with someone else while being in a monogamous relationship. I know I’d be very offended if my partner seriously suggested something like that.

Of course the fact that she went on to have affairs and is now refusing to come clean is deplorable. That doesn’t, however, somehow renders your own affair harmless, whether you confessed to it or not.

It seems that both your wife and you have been feeling very bitter about each other for a while.

I honestly have trouble understanding how this very messy situation arising from a glaring lack of open, honest communication and mutual understanding can be classified as a happy relationship.

If having a rational, reasonable, honest conversation is akin to divorce to you and your wife, then what can be possibly suggested here but actual divorce?

Edited February 11 by Gebidozo

[Sanch62]

If wife raises your past mistakes again, ask her whether she wants to consider the two of you working together as a couple on the same side, or whether she wants to regard you as her adversary and continue treating you as such. Ask her if she's willing to pursue couple's counseling to work this out. If not, tell her that raising the same old past grievances again is off the table, then, for both of you, and the first one to bring it up must schedule and pay for your first counseling session.

Meanwhile, have you worked with a therapist on your own to figure out how important any of this 'must' be to keep spinning yourself into a deeper hole about it?

If you're losing mental self-control as you age, that would be a good place to start for treatment.

[bitter and sad]

Guys, I've tried to respond here to you, but either I don't know what I'm doing, or there is some control where the original poster cannot add to or continue the conversation??  I guess I'll try one more time.

This issue is not an overt one between us.  Your answers seem to suggest there is an ongoing tension or trouble between us.  No, nothing of the sort.  This "bitter and sad" [ness] is only in my head.  Neither the hotwifing/cuckolding thing, nor the past affair(s), real or imagined, known or unknown, are ever discussed.  We live a normal, happy life.  Once in a blue moon, she might make a reference to my A, but not meanly or to start anything - just in an understood context, and then dropped.  Same with the HW/Cuck thing.  It might pop up in a movie or book we're listening to, and then it's gone just as quickly, not discussed.

My issue that is occasionally eating at me, and which I am giving more thought as I age, is my becoming more bitter and sad that I am living out my days with a woman who has lied, and will have lied, to me about maybe the most important thing in a married couple's life - fidelity - for the better part of 50 years by the time we die.  50 years where I [figuratively] wear the Scarlet Letter "A", while she gets off scott-free as the dutiful, loving wife, ONLY because I told the truth and admitted it when confronted, whereas she denied it and lied about it, repeatedly, and then for the next 30 years presently, and possibly 50+ total.  FWIW, I have actually read that women will deny an affair until the ends of the earth, whereas men are more apt to confess.  I think this is because women are programmed to always appear proper and chaste, and they'll cling to that image no matter what.  It's part of their identity.  In my instance, this also explains why she never accepted or agreed to be a hotwife and cuckold me - because I'd then obviously know she was having sex with other men - but instead chose to do it anyway, i.e. cheat, and not tell me.  Man, the irony in that!

How do I get over this?  Should I get over this?  Should I risk everything, and confront her about her fidelity?  Lay it on the line - "I'm not asking you, Honey, I know you did.  I know I asked you to; I know I told you I wanted you to; I know I told you it'd be ok - but that was all contingent on you being truthful with me about everything.  Instead, you rejected my fantasy - something we could have shared; something that actually could have been part of our sex-life and relationship (most studies saying it enhances that) - calling me sick and demanding I get counseling. Instead you went out and cheated on me.  More than once, with more than one man, and not just flings or one-nighters, but you had a boyfriend for nearly 2 years!!!  Pls, just be honest w me.  That's all I am asking.  I'm not going anywhere; we're not ending; we're forever, Honey, but I am entitled to the truth and honesty from the love of my life before I leave this planet.  Can't you give me that?"

[ExpatInItaly]

What has got you so covinced she had these affairs? 

Meaning, what sort of evidence have you found?