Shoot my shot, or take a hike?

[Repentant]

9 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Dude, nobody is telling to start any acquaintance with a girl by asking her out right away. We are referring to your situation specifically.

In your case, the girl flirted with you. She gave you green light. If you then don’t ask her for a date right away and instead send her passive messages, then it’s completely understandable that she’d lose interest.

You keep stubbornly repeating that the issue is that you’re somehow less shallow than that girl because you wanted to take it slow or whatever. But in reality, this has nothing to do with being shallow or deep and everything to do with you being insecure and overthinking stuff, which is a turn off.

This wasn’t a situation where you had to make some life or death decisions. A girl was flirting with you in a bar and gave you her number.If you liked the girl, you should have made a move instead of waxing poetic about how you two need to “know each other” before you continue for several days straight.

It’s off-putting, it sounds like you’re only interested in being buddies with her or string her along. Some women would be downright insulted by that. I believe that @introverted1 here sounded sort of exasperated when she tried to explain that to you. II don’t know why it’s so hard for you to understand.

Yep, I genuinely don't see the difference. Maybe because I have more details on that night, like her doing most of the talking, like me prioritising finding my friend and focusing on that, she was basically hitting on the barn door. I started letting my guard down (so to speak) only come morning, when I was already wasted enough to barely remember what happened. And I'm not being poetic about this.

Plus I cannot neglect the added detail that several people have reliably told me that she's known to be a flirt. If it were up to me, I wouldn't have reached out at all, and I would have forgotten all about it by next Wednesday, precisely because I don't believe that a woman flirting with me means much of anything in today's world. Sorry, not sorry, them's the societal trends! I'm just playing the game placed in front of me in such a way as to not hate myself when I die! Same for exchanging numbers, exchanging Instas... my Contacts book is a graveyard for unused phone numbers.

So, yes, in this context, I'll take it slow, if at all. Because the most plausible possibility, did, indeed, occur, namely that it meant absolutely nothing from the start. And that's fine! The slow-fade-and-ghost indicate immaturity, nothx, doesn't matter anyway because I'm moving on! Actually, bullet dodged, even!

And if trying to establish a friendship with a potential romantic partner is off-putting, then consider me downright grotesque! 

Edited 7 hours ago by Repentant

[FredEire]

48 minutes ago, Repentant said:

I wasn't even complaining about it :)) I was gobsmacked by the ridiculousness of the concept that saying "hello" instead of blurting out "let's go on a date" as a first interaction would be enough to neutralise the kind of interest which would lead one to flirt for an entire night. I mean, it was clear since yesterday she didn't have that kind of interest in me.

Here's a crazy idea: how 'bout we learn to communicate intent? Kinda' like how people talk and establish that they're down for casual sex, but for flirting, which has just as much potential of ruining someone's day if they weren't in on the joke. Maybe being a bit more considerate and owning our stuff would help.

I mean on the first point sure but there is a middle ground between opening with a dry "hello" and "go out with me". Getting to the point fairly quickly after waiting for a week is what I think people were getting at.

People generally don't work like that. It's a very rigid and "proper" worldview and that's just not how it is. People often behave off impulses and don't even have any idea what they themselves want. They may vocally say they want something and their subconscious drives them to act in a completely different way. Crazy, huh?

But accepting that's just the nature of people and detaching your emotions from it is the first step to working well with the world and other people. Flow is how you adapt and end up in the most satisfied states. Hoping everyone else will go by your rigid rulebook is a fast track to misery and frustration.

Edited 7 hours ago by FredEire

[Gebidozo]

8 minutes ago, Repentant said:

Yep, I genuinely don't see the difference. Maybe because I have more details on that night, like her doing most of the talking, like me prioritising finding my friend and focusing on that, she was basically hitting on the barn door. I started letting my guard down (so to speak) only come morning, when I was already wasted enough to barely remember what happened. And I'm not being poetic about this.

Plus I cannot neglect the added detail that several people have reliably told me that she's known to be a flirt. If it were up to me, I wouldn't have reached out at all, and I would have forgotten all about it by next Wednesday, precisely because I don't believe that a woman flirting with me means much of anything in today's world. Sorry, not sorry, them's the societal trends! I'm just playing the game placed in front of me in such a way as to not hate myself when I die! Same for exchanging numbers, exchanging Instas... my Contacts book is a graveyard for unused phone numbers.

So, yes, in this context, I'll take it slow, if at all. Because the most plausible possibility, did, indeed, occur, namely that it meant absolutely nothing from the start. And that's fine! The slow-fade-and-ghost indicate immaturity, nothx, doesn't matter anyway because I'm moving on! Actually, bullet dodged, even!

And if trying to establish a friendship with a potential romantic partner is off-putting, then consider me downright grotesque! 

Calm down.

Slowly re-read everything you just wrote.

Understand that you literally just confirmed what everyone had told you here: that you overthink things way too much.

You’re throwing in big words such as “today’s world”, “immaturity”, and “grotesque”. You talk about hating yourself when you die. This is some serious, heavy stuff. It can’t be possibly applied to your situation, which was just light flirting in a bar, as you readily admit yet for some reason draw some incredibly overwrought conclusions from that.

Your insecurity is way too noticeable, and this goes way beyond that one bar incident. Perhaps therapy would be a good move. We aren’t professionals here, we’re just a bunch of people who once came to this forum for advice and now try to give some to others.

[Repentant]

Just now, FredEire said:

I mean on the first point sure but there is a middle ground between opening with a dry "hello" and "go out with me". Getting to the point fairly quickly after waiting for a week is what I think people were getting at.

People generally don't work like that. It's a very rigid and "proper" worldview and that's just not how it is. People often behave off impulses and don't even have any idea what they themselves want. They have vocally say they want something and their subconscious drives them to act in a completely different way. Crazy, huh?

But accepting that's just the nature of people and detaching your emotions from it is the first step to working well with the world and other people. Flow is how you adapt and end up in the most satisfied states. Hoping everyone else will go by your rigid rulebook is a fast track to misery and frustration.

Well, I tried, but she flaked, so...! :)) I've had longer conversations with a random cashier in Germany! :))

No, but I disagree with you in that it'd be as widespread if people actually took some accountability (which, let's be serious, the grand majority are not). I'm not saying a human being can be perfect, but I am convinced that a human being can be SIGNIFICANTLY better than this.

What's the point of living, then, if I have to detach my emotions with 3 of every 5 people I meet? :)) And that's where I see the beauty in my set of principles - I do not expect others to follow them, because nobody knows my principles in detail, but they allow me to clearly see when people are being random buttholes for no reason. This has honestly helped me more than it has hindered me.

[Repentant]

10 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Calm down.

Slowly re-read everything you just wrote.

Understand that you literally just confirmed what everyone had told you here: that you overthink things way too much.

You’re throwing in big words such as “today’s world”, “immaturity”, and “grotesque”. You talk about hating yourself when you die. This is some serious, heavy stuff. It can’t be possibly applied to your situation, which was just light flirting in a bar, as you readily admit yet for some reason draw some incredibly overwrought conclusions from that.

Your insecurity is way too noticeable, and this goes way beyond that one bar incident. Perhaps therapy would be a good move. We aren’t professionals here, we’re just a bunch of people who once came to this forum for advice and now try to give some to others.

Oh, yep, you've misunderstood my meaning:)) I like big words, they're poignant! :)) And, yes, societal trends are very much tied to what happens randomly at a bar because that's, like, part of society. Genuinely don't see what's so worrying about my messaging, it's a well-known fact that dating has become more and more superficial and that commitment is more and more of a taboo, why would it be unreasonable to assume that a societal trend is somewhat universally applicable? The micro reflects the macro, as the macro reflects the micro. 

And, this goes waaay offtopic, but... yeah, wouldn't it be nice if we all could die without hating ourselves? I mean, genuinely, what's therapy-worthy with that thought? What's wrong in wanting to be a decent person in what I understand a decent person to be, for myself? Heck, I'd even say that I'm doing a pretty decent job so far, with an acceptable amount of slip-ups!

Edit: and, yes, ghosting is a sign of immaturity - I'd sure as heck consider it immature if someone decided to slowly ignore someone's existence just to avoid having to say an uncomfortable truth. 

Edited 7 hours ago by Repentant

[Gebidozo]

You still choose to ignore everything I’m telling you and just keep arguing for pages upon pages about meaningless semantics and totally unrelated heavy stuff.

I’m not a girl, but even I feel tired from this. Sorry, man, but I think I’m going to “ghost” you now.

[Repentant]

1 minute ago, Gebidozo said:

You still choose to ignore everything I’m telling you and just keep arguing for pages upon pages about meaningless semantics and totally unrelated heavy stuff.

I’m not a girl, but even I feel tired from this. Sorry, man, but I think I’m going to “ghost” you now.

S'all good, this is the afterparty, I signaled I was done two pages ago =))

Anyway, genuinely no hard feelings and thank you for taking the time to offer your perspectives! We disagreed and that's fine! Different strokes for different folks!

[FredEire]

19 minutes ago, Repentant said:

Well, I tried, but she flaked, so...! :)) I've had longer conversations with a random cashier in Germany! :))

No, but I disagree with you in that it'd be as widespread if people actually took some accountability (which, let's be serious, the grand majority are not). I'm not saying a human being can be perfect, but I am convinced that a human being can be SIGNIFICANTLY better than this.

What's the point of living, then, if I have to detach my emotions with 3 of every 5 people I meet? :)) And that's where I see the beauty in my set of principles - I do not expect others to follow them, because nobody knows my principles in detail, but they allow me to clearly see when people are being random buttholes for no reason. This has honestly helped me more than it has hindered me.

Because without being able to let certain things slide and decide to practice non-judgement and not to take certain things on board, over time you become bitter and twisted and just find more and more evidence to confirm those world views, and any joy gradually fades.

As I said before I only say that becuase Ive been there, done that, got the t-shirt. But you can decide for yourself if you think theres some truth in that, or not.

[ExpatInItaly]

When was your last relationship OP, and how long did it last?