Shoot my shot, or take a hike?

[Repentant]

Or even if that's what had happened, then yes! Would've been horrible and selfish, and I wouldn't have wanted anything to do with it, anyway! :))) 

Again, if you don't find selfishness and superficiality "horrible," that's fine! Your perspective doesn't have to match mine! But I, personally, find both of those aspects to be horrible, yes!

Edited Saturday at 04:32 PM by Repentant

[FredEire]

Ok then. It seems like we're just getting into irrelevant abstractions then basically, if you're just pointing out qualities nobody really values in general, indeed aren't great qualities.

It doesn't seem like theres any advice anyone can give you if youve got it all figured out.

Edited Saturday at 04:46 PM by FredEire

[Repentant]

10 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Ok then. It seems like we're just getting into irrelevant abstractions then basically, if you're just pointing out qualities nobody really values in general, indeed aren't great qualities.

It doesn't seem like theres any advice anyone can give you if youve got it all figured out.

I don't see it that way! Even if some piece of advice isn't directly useful, it's indirectly useful because it at least helps me eliminate what doesn't work for me! Part of the process of figuring out who I am is figuring out who I'm not! 

Take this situation in particular: the fact that a segment of this discussion revealed that hypothetical we've been throwing around so far has helped me quite a bit, in showing me that taking my time with things is a VERY good way to filter out superficiality and selfishness! :)) So, yeah, the advice may not be applicable from my perspective, because it would lead to things I don't want, but did help me understand things better! 

I don't post to agree with everyone or to have everyone agree with me, I post because I want to get as many different perspectives as possible, after which I look at each perspective, try to spread them out on a spectrum, and see where I land on it! I'm nowhere near having it all figured out, but I have more figured out now than I did back when I first posted! 

Edited Saturday at 04:55 PM by Repentant

[Els]

Okay, so I read the first and last couple of pages. 

I don't personally think it's a problem to wait to ask someone out, I imagine it's just a personal preference. Some women will prefer that you wait and some don't. I generally prefer to build some rapport first, but I obviously can't speak for other women.

I do think you're overanalyzing it at this point though. Sometimes things just don't work out - statistically speaking, most things don't work out, actually. There's nothing to be gained from continuing to flog the poor dead horse.

Edited Saturday at 11:50 PM by Els

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, Repentant said:

Or even if that's what had happened, then yes! Would've been horrible and selfish, and I wouldn't have wanted anything to do with it, anyway! :))) 

Again, if you don't find selfishness and superficiality "horrible," that's fine! Your perspective doesn't have to match mine! But I, personally, find both of those aspects to be horrible, yes!

It’s pretty clear to everyone reading your posts that you are inferring that what that girl did was horrible and selfish.

You try not to say that directly and back off with way too much defensiveness whenever someone tries to point that out, but that’s what you’re implying.

Even if you aren’t angry at this girl, specifically, the fact that you find behavior such as hers horrible and selfish proves that you are out of touch with reality.

You apply disproportionately heavy ethical judgment to something that isn’t even morally reprehensible at all.

You need to learn to see things in perspective. You have to understand that a woman ghosting you because she didn’t enjoy your texting for absolutely whatever reason is not a sign of superficiality, let alone selfishness or being “horrible”.

I don’t think any woman is ever going to be happy to undergo such moral scrutiny from you and be exposed to such grossly exaggerated generalizations on your side.

 

Edited yesterday at 01:06 AM by Gebidozo

[FredEire]

12 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

It’s pretty clear to everyone reading your posts that you are inferring that what that girl did was horrible and selfish.

You try not to say that directly and back off with way too much defensiveness whenever someone tries to point that out, but that’s what you’re implying.

Even if you aren’t angry at this girl, specifically, the fact that you find behavior such as hers horrible and selfish proves that you are out of touch with reality.

You apply disproportionately heavy ethical judgment to something that isn’t even morally reprehensible at all.

You need to learn to see things in perspective. You have to understand that a woman ghosting you because she didn’t enjoy your texting for absolutely whatever reason is not a sign of superficiality, let alone selfishness or being “horrible”.

I don’t think any woman is ever going to be happy to undergo such moral scrutiny from you and be exposed to such grossly exaggerated generalizations on your side.

 

Right, I think OP was just waiting for a time to say the game is rigged and its hopeless.

I would agree with the general sentiment that the dating world has gotten harsher and a lot more fly-by-night.

So has the career and housing world in most countries. But in the same way even though the odds maybe aren't as good as they used to be any more if you throw your hands up and complain the result will always be a fail. You need to develop thick skin and a good ability to prioritise your time for things that actually merit it.

[Gebidozo]

12 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Right, I think OP was just waiting for a time to say the game is rigged and its hopeless.

…which is objectively untrue.

 

13 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I would agree with the general sentiment that the dating world has gotten harsher and a lot more fly-by-night.

Maybe, but not because people have become selfish and horrible.

Whenever someone applies such harsh words to mundane dating behaviors the reason is usually deep frustration with oneself.

 

[FredEire]

12 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

…which is objectively untrue.

 

Maybe, but not because people have become selfish and horrible.

Whenever someone applies such harsh words to mundane dating behaviors the reason is usually deep frustration with oneself.

 

Right, I think the nature of the game has changed and there is more fast-food type dating with the apps.

But if you look back a couple of centuries ago there is very little evidence people were more virtuous, theres more evidence they were more open about their terrible behaviour.

I go by the idea most people aren't all that nice, and of the ones who are only a small portion of them will be a good fit for you. The job of dating is to find one who is.

Challenging sure, but resenting the ones who dont fit only wastes time and energy.

Edited yesterday at 01:53 AM by FredEire

[Repentant]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

It’s pretty clear to everyone reading your posts that you are inferring that what that girl did was horrible and selfish.

You try not to say that directly and back off with way too much defensiveness whenever someone tries to point that out, but that’s what you’re implying.

Even if you aren’t angry at this girl, specifically, the fact that you find behavior such as hers horrible and selfish proves that you are out of touch with reality.

You apply disproportionately heavy ethical judgment to something that isn’t even morally reprehensible at all.

You need to learn to see things in perspective. You have to understand that a woman ghosting you because she didn’t enjoy your texting for absolutely whatever reason is not a sign of superficiality, let alone selfishness or being “horrible”.

I don’t think any woman is ever going to be happy to undergo such moral scrutiny from you and be exposed to such grossly exaggerated generalizations on your side.

 

You both have every right to believe whatever it is you two choose to believe. It's clear, to me, at least, that you both are more intent on propagating your own agenda than actually taking time to read and comprehend what's written.

If you two insist on refusing to understand, well... all I can say is knock yourselves out with the cavalcade of assumptions and misrepresentations. Good luck with that! Thread's yours! 

[Acacia98]

On 2/13/2026 at 4:31 PM, Repentant said:

 I understand what all of you are saying, I don't understand why my behaviour would cause this sort of response from her. I didn't do any of it out of postponement or avoidance, I just didn't see the point or feel the need to rush straight to the question, out of the blue, after a random song... I don't like rushing things in general, which is why I take my time with everything.

The answer to the "why" is rather simple: She's not you, she doesn't know what you generally are like, and she's not in your head. She probably feels embarrassed about the fact that she was obvious about liking you on the day you met. She doesn't have any reason to think sober you is attracted to her, so it would be foolish for her to keep being hopeful in her interactions with you. To save herself from great disappointment, she's probably told herself you were just drunk on the day you met and are just being nice to her now and she needs to move on. 

Also, people are generally advised not to over-text with someone they've just met and would like to get to know. This is because regular texting makes one feel like they know the other person well when they really don't. It creates a false sense of intimacy, which often leads to disappointment. So, understandably, she might not want to engage in extended texting with you.

I'm inclined to agree with you when you say you're probably incompatible. You're probably better off focusing on women whose communication style is exactly like yours.

[Gebidozo]

45 minutes ago, Repentant said:

It's clear, to me, at least, that you both are more intent on propagating your own agenda than actually taking time to read and comprehend what's written.

You see how bitter and angry you sound?

Even though it is abundantly clear that I can’t possibly have any agenda to propagate here, for the simple reason that I have no interest in this besides giving you what is hopefully helpful advice.

You’re very much proving my point.

[FredEire]

7 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

You see how bitter and angry you sound?

Even though it is abundantly clear that I can’t possibly have any agenda to propagate here, for the simple reason that I have no interest in this besides giving you what is hopefully helpful advice.

You’re very much proving my point.

Every so often threads start on here where clearly someone has an idea of where they want the discourse to go, and when it doesnt it rubs them totally the wrong way.

On a forum for dating advice I can't really fathom well, not wanting people's advice. But there you go.

[Gebidozo]

6 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Every so often threads start on here where clearly someone has an idea of where they want the discourse to go, and when it doesnt it rubs them totally the wrong way.

On a forum for dating advice I can't really fathom well, not wanting people's advice. But there you go.

I know, right?

OP: I met this girl and I did X, now she doesn’t respond to me, what to do?

7 forum people: You should’ve done Y instead of X. X makes you look bad and might be a result of  your own issues. Next time, do Y.

OP: But X should have worked. I think X was the right thing to do. Why should I do Y?

7 forum people: But X clearly didn’t work. Isn’t that the whole reason why you started this thread? So, we’re explaining to you why and suggesting that next time you do Y instead.

OP: No, I want you to tell me that X was the right thing to do! Because whoever doesn’t respond to X is selfish and horrible! And If I ever do Y that wouldn’t be me anymore, because my rule is to always do X, regardless of the context!

7 forum people: Uh… 

OP: Whatever! I’m done!

 

[introverted1]

9 hours ago, Repentant said:

If you two insist on refusing to understand,

I also think you have a skewed view of things, and I am pretty sure I am neither superficial nor selfish.

When everyone else has it wrong and you are the only one who is right, this should be a hint that maybe your position isn't as reasonable as you think. No need to answer here, but perhaps something to reflect on.

Edited 18 hours ago by introverted1

[Repentant]

Ok, final update, just to show you how wrong you are (although you probably won't want to believe it, so whatever):

Actually met her randomly at a bar last night. She came to me, started throwing a standard apology out for the delayed reply, we clinked glasses, then went our own ways.

Does everybody want to know what the situation actually was? 

She was interested in someone else way before I came into the picture. There was no interest there from the start, she was just flirting as "a thing." :))

So yeah, go off on telling people that they killed the mood by sending two friendly and well-meaning texts, it's such reasonable info and universally applicable to people, that it's incredible! 

Edited 17 hours ago by Repentant

[FredEire]

2 hours ago, Repentant said:

Ok, final update, just to show you how wrong you are (although you probably won't want to believe it, so whatever):

Actually met her randomly at a bar last night. She came to me, started throwing a standard apology out for the delayed reply, we clinked glasses, then went our own ways.

Does everybody want to know what the situation actually was? 

She was interested in someone else way before I came into the picture. There was no interest there from the start, she was just flirting as "a thing." :))

So yeah, go off on telling people that they killed the mood by sending two friendly and well-meaning texts, it's such reasonable info and universally applicable to people, that it's incredible! 

Ok, so how did you come to that conclusion?

Did you see her out with some guy last night and jump to that conclusion, did you put her on the spot about why she didnt text back and she responded she was "seeing someone", or did you just assume that must be the case when the conversation didnt go anywhere?

[introverted1]

2 hours ago, Repentant said:

Ok, final update, just to show you how wrong you are (although you probably won't want to believe it, so whatever):

Actually met her randomly at a bar last night. She came to me, started throwing a standard apology out for the delayed reply, we clinked glasses, then went our own ways.

Does everybody want to know what the situation actually was? 

She was interested in someone else way before I came into the picture. There was no interest there from the start, she was just flirting as "a thing." :))

 

Even if this is exactly true, it doesn't make her "horrible," "superficial," or "selfish."

 

[Repentant]

11 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Ok, so how did you come to that conclusion?

Did you see her out with some guy last night and jump to that conclusion, did you put her on the spot about why she didnt text back and she responded she was "seeing someone", or did you just assume that must be the case when the conversation didnt go anywhere?

I saw her locked onto a guy from their group while I went out for a smoke, and I noticed her "vanishing" for a tick with the same guy last time, although I didn't see what they were up to then. My friend noticed this, too, and she told me that they've known each other for a very long time now. 

[Repentant]

18 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Even if this is exactly true, it doesn't make her "horrible," "superficial," or "selfish."

 

Now this is becoming annoying, gotta say.

You keep refusing to actually read and understand what I wrote - multiple times at that. 

I have NO hard feelings toward this woman, I do not consider her anything other than disinterested, no harm, no foul, moving on! Would have appreciated her telling me this outright if she got a whiff that I was trying to come on to her and was trying to avoid it, but water under the bridge and it's a minor "offence" at that. 

What I find superficial and selfish is the hypothetical you've proposed, that this whole situation went South not because there was nothing there to begin with, but because I supposedly annihilated any and all interest and patience through two texts - I say again, two texts trying to make friendly banter, maaybe 3 phrases total. THAT I find to be a selfish and shallow reaction. Ergo horrible overall. 

And, again, with all due respect, I cannot follow your advice on this even as a hypothetical future occurrence, because it wouldn't serve my goal of finding someone with a bit of depth and patience. I genuinely wouldn't want to have a relationship with someone who'd react so brusquely based on so little.

Edited 14 hours ago by Repentant

[introverted1]

7 minutes ago, Repentant said:

it wouldn't serve my goal of finding someone with a bit of depth and patience.

This gets better and better.  First you chastise me for saying you called her superficial, then you go on to say she lacks depth, which is the very definition of superficial.

Good luck, OP.  I've had all I can take of this. 

 

 

[FredEire]

20 minutes ago, Repentant said:

I saw her locked onto a guy from their group while I went out for a smoke, and I noticed her "vanishing" for a tick with the same guy last time, although I didn't see what they were up to then. My friend noticed this, too, and she told me that they've known each other for a very long time now. 

So in these situations theres a number of things that are entirely possible. Its entirely possible she just flirts with everyone (which sounds the most likely), its also entirely possible she was flirting with you to make him jealous, or just as a passing thing. The key truth is though you really dont know the full story and jumping to any conclusions about her reasons is fruitless.

It doesnt change the fact that when you meet someone who is acting very flirty and keen and you are similarly keen, the best tactic is to go with the momentum and try to meet up and see where things go ASAP before the momentum wears off, which I think is what most people in the thread were saying. It's not really a rocket science idea, and just because this individual woman may or may not just have been attention seeking in the end doesnt make it bad advice.

[Repentant]

Just now, introverted1 said:

This gets better and better.  First you chastise me for saying you called her superficial, then you go on to say she lacks depth, which is the very definition of superficial.

Good luck, OP.  I've had all I can take of this. 

 

 

Wow, for someone who said they weren't trying to win, you're sure pulling some incredible semantic gymnastics to get it out your way...

Go back and reread my comment:

12 minutes ago, Repentant said:

I have NO hard feelings toward this woman, I do not consider her anything other than disinterested, no harm, no foul, moving on! Would have appreciated her telling me this outright if she got a whiff that I was trying to come on to her and was trying to avoid it, but water under the bridge and it's a minor "offence" at that. 

What does this tell you? Where do I say I consider her to lack depth? Where has that ever entered the discussion?

Now, on to the second, separate idea:

12 minutes ago, Repentant said:

What I find superficial and selfish is the hypothetical you've proposed, that this whole situation went South not because there was nothing there to begin with, but because I supposedly annihilated any and all interest and patience through two texts - I say again, two texts trying to make friendly banter, maaybe 3 phrases total. THAT I find to be a selfish and shallow reaction. Ergo horrible overall. 

I've bolded the cornerstone of this idea to make it as obvious as possible. Hypothetical. Meaning not real, imagined, fabricated. As far as I know, the woman I was talking about is pretty real, so she can't be to whom I'm referring in this idea, right? Would make sense, I'd say.

And now the last thing:

15 minutes ago, Repentant said:

And, again, with all due respect, I cannot follow your advice on this even as a hypothetical future occurrence, because it wouldn't serve my goal of finding someone with a bit of depth and patience. I genuinely wouldn't want to have a relationship with someone who'd react so brusquely based on so little.

Again, I've bolded the key part. Sounds a lot like what I've said about the hypothetical, right? Yep, that's what I was referring to, the hypothetical person who would go cold after two texts because they didn't suit their exact expectations. Was this what happened with the woman i was talking about? No, she was simply not interested in me because she had her sights set on someone else. Is it clear now how the two ideas are entirely separate? If not, then I'm sorry, it's up to future historians to deal with, this is where my skill at running people through reading comprehension stops. 

[Repentant]

Just now, FredEire said:

So in these situations theres a number of things that are entirely possible. Its entirely possible she just flirts with everyone (which sounds the most likely), its also entirely possible she was flirting with you to make him jealous, or just as a passing thing. The key truth is though you really dont know the full story and jumping to any conclusions about her reasons is fruitless.

It doesnt change the fact that when you meet someone who is acting very flirty and keen and you are similarly keen, the best tactic is to go with the momentum and try to meet up and see where things go ASAP before the momentum wears off, which I think is what most people in the thread were saying. It's not really a rocket science idea, and just because this individual woman may or may not just have been attention seeking in the end doesnt make it bad advice.

Again, since going by what I feel has proven to be an adequate filter, I'll stick to that, thanks! And I'd say this is now beating the dead horse to a pulp...

[FredEire]

9 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

This gets better and better.  First you chastise me for saying you called her superficial, then you go on to say she lacks depth, which is the very definition of superficial.

Good luck, OP.  I've had all I can take of this. 

 

 

I dont know how old OP is but it reminds me of my teenage phase where I thought I was like Batman and all the people around me were just too shallow and stupid to appreciate my great depth. In reality I was just neurotic and insecure.

Past maybe 25 I think its time to let go of the idea that the world just doesnt appreciate your great principles and your approach could do with a bit of a revamp if you actually want to connect with people.

Ironically the way you're going about the conversations in this thread is showing up something thats bound to affect your interpersonal stuff including dating as well. People appreciate someone who is willing to see every point of view and question themselves, but someone who comes ostensibly for advice and then pulls a "no, you" and basically leads with passive aggression is going to end up rubbing everyone up the wrong way.

[Repentant]

10 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I dont know how old OP is but it reminds me of my teenage phase where I thought I was like Batman and all the people around me were just too shallow and stupid to appreciate my great depth. In reality I was just neurotic and insecure.

Past maybe 25 I think its time to let go of the idea that the world just doesnt appreciate your great principles and your approach could do with a bit of a revamp if you actually want to connect with people.

Ironically the way you're going about the conversations in this thread is showing up something thats bound to affect your interpersonal stuff including dating as well. People appreciate someone who is willing to see every point of view and question themselves, but someone who comes ostensibly for advice and then pulls a "no, you" and basically leads with passive aggression is going to end up rubbing everyone up the wrong way.

Oh, believe me, if I want to be aggressive, I'll be aggressive, there's nothing passive going on! As I've said, no hard feelings toward anyone! Yes, lost my marbles at the thought of someone (NOT HER, this is specifically for @introverted1, got you covered!) being that friggin' selfish and shallow, but it has become increasingly annoying that you're all refusing to understand that your goals and mine do not align.

You're offering up the way YOU do things as THE way to do things, and then, when the person to whom you're offering this advice does stop, considers it, takes into account all implications, and sets it side by side with their goal and sees that they do not align, you bring out the gratuitous insults. Again, your very behaviour so far contradicts what you've said. 

10 minutes ago, FredEire said:

someone who is willing to see every point of view and question themselves

This does not intrinsically mean "they'll eventually shut up and agree with me," y'know. This means just that, that they are open to seeing the info around them and contextualising it through their own perspective. Why would ANYONE assimilate and apply things which don't function in tandem with their goals? I'm not saying it's a bad thing to receive advice one can't actively use, because, as I've said in an earlier comment, it still serves to put things into perspective.

Which, again, this thread has done so! It's just that it helped me better define how I'm going about my own, specific goal, which, again, doesn't need to align with yours.

Edited 14 hours ago by Repentant