Shoot my shot, or take a hike?

[Repentant]

Just to add my final two cents: I sent two texts, and everyone's behaving as though I've been spamming her with trivia for the past three days... She flaked after the first message, I'd say this is a clear indication she was just messing around on Saturday and I happened to be in the way. I'm sorry, but I can't agree with you. I most certainly wouldn't start pulling a fade on someone who's trying to spark a conversation with me and in whom I'm supposedly interested, lest we forget, just because their second text wasn't "let's go out." And if this is the style of the times, then no, thanks. I say again, patience is important to me, and this only goes to demonstrate a complete lack of such.

[Gebidozo]

2 minutes ago, Repentant said:

Fine, then I guess this whole thing isn't for me, because it sure as hell feels like a total mess. If you do too much too soon, it's bad. If you take your time, it's bad. If you do just enough, you find out you were barking up the wrong tree all along. It's just endless frustration with zero return on investment. Yep, think I'm done. 

I sort of knew you’d eventually say something like this.

That’s exactly why I tried to point out to you that the way you view these things points to a lack of interest on your part.

If you really liked that girl you’d be actively asking her out instead of stalling and over-analyzing her replies.

Overthinking is unattractive because it is rightfully perceived as a lack of decisiveness and courage. Women don’t like men who play it safe and hide behind some made-up rules to justify their hesitation.

As they say, fortune favors the brave.

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, Repentant said:

Sorry for double-posting, I just remembered something which further goes to my point about it having been pretty clear that I'm interested: I made an Instagram account that very night, specifically to accommodate her - she mentioned she prefers Insta as her main tool for comms, and I begrudgingly made an account. Solely for her, no other interest in that platform whatsoever. 

This right here might seem like a small thing but it's actually big. You made a whole new social media entirely for this woman you hardly know, rather than just being straight and saying "oh cool I dont have insta unfortunately but Ill shoot you a whatsapp!"

It seems like everything is bending over backwards to accommodate her, and you see yourself as almost an annoyance or inconvenience, to the point that you wait a week to text because you're scared texting quickly would bother or annoy her, when in fact its more likely she would just move on and forget the moment on the night out. Regardless of how interested or not this woman was that mindset will cause your problems.

[Repentant]

1 minute ago, Gebidozo said:

I sort of knew you’d eventually say something like this.

That’s exactly why I tried to point out to you that the way you view these things points to a lack of interest on your part.

If you really liked that girl you’d be actively asking her out instead of stalling and over-analyzing her replies.

Overthinking is unattractive because it is rightfully perceived as a lack of decisiveness and courage. Women don’t like men who play it safe and hide behind some made-up rules to justify their hesitation.

As they say, fortune favors the brave.

But... like... that's what I've been saying, I was about to, but she pulled the ghost! I've been left on Seen for 30 hours now, what else could I do in this case?

[Repentant]

1 minute ago, FredEire said:

This right here might seem like a small thing but it's actually big. You made a whole new social media entirely for this woman you hardly know, rather than just being straight and saying "oh cool I dont have insta unfortunately but Ill shoot you a whatsapp!"

It seems like everything is bending over backwards to accommodate her, and you see yourself as almost an annoyance or inconvenience, to the point that you wait a week to text because you're scared texting quickly would bother or annoy her, when in fact its more likely she would just move on and forget the moment on the night out. Regardless of how interested or not this woman was that mindset will cause your problems.

It was either that, or raw SMS, I don't touch Meta's stuff on principle. 

[Gebidozo]

7 minutes ago, Repentant said:

Just to add my final two cents: I sent two texts, and everyone's behaving as though I've been spamming her with trivia for the past three days

Not at all. Everyone is telling you that you should have asked her out instead.

Did you actually read what we wrote?

 

8 minutes ago, Repentant said:

 She flaked after the first message, I'd say this is a clear indication she was just messing around on Saturday and I happened to be in the way.

Sorry, dude, but that’s just bullshit.

She didn’t “flake”, she was understandably feeling disappointed that you didn’t ask her out.

 

10 minutes ago, Repentant said:

I say again, patience is important to me, and this only goes to demonstrate a complete lack of such.

You really don’t understand that your hesitation has nothing to do with patience and everything to do with insecurity?

[Gebidozo]

5 minutes ago, Repentant said:

But... like... that's what I've been saying, I was about to, but she pulled the ghost! I've been left on Seen for 30 hours now, what else could I do in this case?

Yeah, after you basically showed her that you had no romantic interest in her and instead either wanted to be something like buddies or were just keeping her as an option, of course she eventually ghosted you.

[Repentant]

3 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Not at all. Everyone is telling you that you should have asked her out instead.

Did you actually read what we wrote?

That's my point, it's barely been two texts, that's, like, 5 minutes total to type, send, receive, and read, we're five minutes into our interaction, five minutes which have been spread over three days, because she's taking an entire evolutionary age to reply with another 30-second line of text, which would then lead to a reply of my own, which would contain an invite to go out. That'd make it 10 minutes total, if one's a slow typer at that. I mean, seriously, if by putting the question third or fourth in line instead of first is enough to indicate a complete lack of interest on my part, then this genuinely kinda' scares me, I'll be perfectly honest...

7 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Sorry, dude, but that’s just bullshit.

She didn’t “flake”, she was understandably feeling disappointed that you didn’t ask her out.

That's IF she had any interest to begin with, which, again, doubtful given how the situation is (not) progressing. Or, back to my first point, scary if she did have any interest, but this was enough to put her off.

9 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

You really don’t understand that your hesitation has nothing to do with patience and everything to do with insecurity?

I agree with you, I'm not a person who oozes self-confidence by any means! But in this case in particular, the only reason why I hesitated at all was because the people who know her better than I do have told me she's a known flirt. I didn't want to rev up my engine for nothing. And it's not because I fear rejection, it's because I see no point in losing bets.

[Repentant]

4 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Yeah, after you basically showed her that you had no romantic interest in her and instead either wanted to be something like buddies or were just keeping her as an option, of course she eventually ghosted you.

She didn't even give me the chance. C'mon, judging a person when they've had the space to give you so little based on which to judge them is patently absurd...

[introverted1]

@Repentant Do you want to be right or do you want a date? 

We're not arguing with you because we want to "win."   We're trying to show you a way to be more successful in your dating endeavors. 

 

[Repentant]

7 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

@Repentant Do you want to be right or do you want a date? 

We're not arguing with you because we want to "win."   We're trying to show you a way to be more successful in your dating endeavors. 

 

I want to date people who judge others based on more than just their first 2-3 texts. Not in the context where, if you don't come out thing-a-swingin', you're seen as low interest, or an indecisive person, or whatever else. No, this, to me, is just absurd, I'm sorry to say. What's even the point in wanting to date someone who can't even muster the patience to see what you have to say for more than two texts? Someone who's decided in their opinion of you based on 5 minutes of interaction? Someone who's supposedly so interested in me that they clung to me for an entire night while I was wasted and crying with my friend for her loss, but they can't see this one conversation through because the first words on her screen weren't "let's go out."

Edited 14 hours ago by Repentant

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Repentant said:

because it sure as hell feels like a total mess.

With respect, I think you got over-invested in the idea of her and have stressed yourself out unnecessarily. 

if you zoom out, it's a woman you met once and spent a few flirty hours with. Sure, I can see why you're disappointed that she hasn't replied to your last message yet, but I also don't think it's a total mess. You barely know her. You do, however, seem to projecting quite a bit and perhaps letting past disappointments and perceived rejections bubble up to the surface and colour your perception of all of this. 

Is she interested? Maybe, maybe not. But is this situaiton worthy of being labelled a total mess and eliciting a declaration of how "done" you are? I would wager there's way more underlying your current frame of mind. It's like having a suburn and getitng accidentally bumped into by a stranger who means no harm. It's going to sting and make you wonder if you should just not leave the house for a while. I would urge you to reflect on what's going on inside you. 

[Repentant]

23 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

With respect, I think you got over-invested in the idea of her and have stressed yourself out unnecessarily. 

if you zoom out, it's a woman you met once and spent a few flirty hours with. Sure, I can see why you're disappointed that she hasn't replied to your last message yet, but I also don't think it's a total mess. You barely know her. You do, however, seem to projecting quite a bit and perhaps letting past disappointments and perceived rejections bubble up to the surface and colour your perception of all of this. 

Is she interested? Maybe, maybe not. But is this situaiton worthy of being labelled a total mess and eliciting a declaration of how "done" you are? I would wager there's way more underlying your current frame of mind. It's like having a suburn and getitng accidentally bumped into by a stranger who means no harm. It's going to sting and make you wonder if you should just not leave the house for a while. I would urge you to reflect on what's going on inside you. 

You're right, partly, in that I got worked up by the things discussed in this thread, but I'd already started to move on after her first flake, to be honest. And that's exactly how I took it, as a flake. I knew it was a long shot from the start, it confirmed itself to be so, things were clear. Sucky that nothing came out of it, but it wasn't the end of the world as I saw things yesterday.

But then the thread continued, and I'm done with all of these ridiculous aspects, like killing someone's interest through a couple of normal texts, like wanting to take my time with things and be sure that my actions are in accordance with my intentions, which is a no-no, apparently. These aspects seem to be presented as "how things are," which, to me, indicates that everything is superficial and pointless. In which case, yes, I'm genuinely not interested in superficial things, and I'd rather be done with the whole deal than drag myself through the mud just to figure out that everything's puddle-deep over and over again.

Edited 11 hours ago by Repentant

[FredEire]

55 minutes ago, Repentant said:

You're right, partly, in that I got worked up by the things discussed in this thread, but I'd already started to move on after her first flake, to be honest. And that's exactly how I took it, as a flake. I knew it was a long shot from the start, it confirmed itself to be so, things were clear. Sucky that nothing came out of it, but it wasn't the end of the world as I saw things yesterday.

But then the thread continued, and I'm done with all of these ridiculous aspects, like killing someone's interest through a couple of normal texts, like wanting to take my time with things and be sure that my actions are in accordance with my intentions, which is a no-no, apparently. These aspects seem to be presented as "how things are," which, to me, indicates that everything is superficial and pointless. In which case, yes, I'm genuinely not interested in superficial things, and I'd rather be done with the whole deal than drag myself through the mud just to figure out that everything's puddle-deep over and over again.

I actually met a girl last weekend. We talked all night, agreed to meet during the week and kissed at the bus stop as we were going home, she was hugging me and telling me how "comfortable" I was.

So I text the next day and guess what? She never answered. Never even followed me back.

Now when I was younger I would take that kind of thing extremely personally and also draw conclusions about how "done" I was and how unfair it is. But now at the age of 32 it's happened to me more times than I can count, and I have realised that there is absolutely no point spending time considering the whys, getting frustrated or drawing sweeping conclusions. I simply shrug and move on.

The odd time you meet someone you actually click with, I realise now that's the only thing worth mentally investing in. Not getting anywhere with someone you never even went on a date with is a big nothing.

[Repentant]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

I actually met a girl last weekend. We talked all night, agreed to meet during the week and kissed at the bus stop as we were going home, she was hugging me and telling me how "comfortable" I was.

So I text the next day and guess what? She never answered. Never even followed me back.

Now when I was younger I would take that kind of thing extremely personally and also draw conclusions about how "done" I was and how unfair it is. But now at the age of 32 it's happened to me more times than I can count, and I have realised that there is absolutely no point spending time considering the whys, getting frustrated or drawing sweeping conclusions. I simply shrug and move on.

The odd time you meet someone you actually click with, I realise now that's the only thing worth mentally investing in. Not getting anywhere with someone you never even went on a date with is a big nothing.

Believe me, other than a generalised building annoyance at how selfish and superficial people are becoming, the only times which really stick with me are the times when I clearly messed things up. Either that, or something literally traumatic (a k.a. I needed a minimum of 3 months of intense psychotherapy to start managing the damage). Otherwise, the only other thing to hold long-term significance is whatever lesson there is to be learnt from a failed attempt. To at least figure out if it was a valid mistake on my end and not repeat it in the future. 

I apologise for flaring up earlier, I had an Absurd overload which activated that annoyance I'd mentioned at the start. At least I'm still more frustrated about people becoming selfish and shallow than I am upset for getting ghosted. I call that a win, believe it or not.

Edited 9 hours ago by Repentant

[FredEire]

10 minutes ago, Repentant said:

Believe me, other than a generalised building annoyance at how selfish and superficial people are becoming, the only times which really stick with me are the times when I clearly messed things up. Either that, or something literally traumatic (a k.a. I needed a minimum of 3 months of intense psychotherapy to start managing the damage). Otherwise, the only other thing to hold long-term significance is whatever lesson there is to be learnt from a failed attempt. To at least figure out if it was a valid mistake on my end and not repeat it in the future. 

I apologise for flaring up earlier, I had an Absurd overload which activated that annoyance I'd mentioned at the start. At least I'm still more frustrated about people becoming selfish and shallow than I am upset for getting ghosted. I call that a win, believe it or not.

Ok, but this situation really isnt that deep.

Acting like it is or getting mad is only going to harm your future dating prospects.

I know because I've been there.

The problem here is that even from the point you met this woman your were projecting a load of your own stuff onto the situation which caused you to turn the whole thing into some mental riddle and you didn't text her for a full week.

Now if you'd just text the next day would she have showed more interest? Perhaps, maybe not, but you maximise your chances and save yourself a lot of angst by just treating it proportionally, drop a text about another meetup as soon as you can and then if it doesn't turn into anything recognise it was just a moment thats going to be pretty irrelevant to your life in the long run and move on with no regrets.

[FredEire]

Sure, you're not alone in thinking dating kind of sucks these days and it's pretty difficult if you're looking to actually make a connection.

But what I've come to realise is what good is letting it get to you or wasting mental bandwidth on things that never get off the ground going to do you? Nothing.

[Repentant]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

Ok, but this situation really isnt that deep.

Acting like it is or getting mad is only going to harm your future dating prospects.

I know because I've been there.

The problem here is that even from the point you met this woman your were projecting a load of your own stuff onto the situation which caused you to turn the whole thing into some mental riddle and you didn't text her for a full week.

Now if you'd just text the next day would she have showed more interest? Perhaps, maybe not, but you maximise your chances and save yourself a lot of angst by just treating it proportionally, drop a text about another meetup as soon as you can and then if it doesn't turn into anything recognise it was just a moment thats going to be pretty irrelevant to your life in the long run and move on with no regrets.

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

Sure, you're not alone in thinking dating kind of sucks these days and it's pretty difficult if you're looking to actually make a connection.

But what I've come to realise is what good is letting it get to you or wasting mental bandwidth on things that never get off the ground going to do you? Nothing.

Again, it's not about the situation with her, it's about some of the things mentioned in this thread. She's in the past now, that's done and closed as far as I'm concerned (even deleted the Insta account today, as I genuinely have no use for it).

And I genuinely wasn't projecting anything, I was stuck between "she's a known flirt, it means nothing" and "but she did flirt with you all night." Which is why I decided to heck with it and posted out for advice and input. As I mentioned from early on, I was leaning toward dropping it and moving on, precisely because I didn't read god knows what into what happened.

The specificities of how I choose to go about approaching someone in whom I'm interested are mine and mine alone, and I take full ownership. I have no use for projecting them onto someone else, being cautiously polite regardless is enough of a personal motivation. It may be the suboptimal route, but, more than anything, this thread has kinda' shown me that the "optimal" route is kinda'... mental, to put it politely and as far as I see it. As such, it's plenty clear that I don't want to date the kind of people who believe in the "optimal" route and nothing else, so that's a second win for me. 

To note, I'm very seldom anxious before asking someone out on a date, because that is uncertainty perpetuated by myself. I can see I am in full control of it, it's all down to a simple question to reach clarity. Anxiety only comes into play when this sort of faffing about and mixing signals starts happening. And, yes, while I can separate and accept that it means nothing, flirting with someone in whom one has no interest is still sending mixed messages. It's like ringing the dinner bell with empty plates. 

[Shehaari]

It goes to show that people are complex and will approach dating very differently.

@Repentant Personally, as a woman, If I were sober and had flirted with you all night, clearly showing interest in you, I would be more curious in our communication- moreso when YOU were sober, regardless wether it was a message sent 1 day or 3 days after the actual incident. Be it with a video, or a "Hey it was nice meeting you".
Would I prefer the latter - yes, but a video wouldn't put me off unless it was rude/not funny etc. 

I don't see pacing interaction or approaching it in a softer way as an issue, unless it's being dragged out for weeks.
Seeing it from her POV, perhaps this could be her preferred texting pattern and texting you isn't a priority at the moment.

Do what feels right for you, but expect the outcome might result in some people losing interest (appearently:))

It seems like she was being flirty, perhaps she's like that in general, but had no real intention of taking it further. If she did, I don't see why she would be this passive in her communication. I agree, people might be busy, but if people can take their phones to the loo whilst doing their buisness, I'm sure replying to a message wouldn't be too much to ask, hehe.. 

Take her communication pattern as information and act accordingly. 

I also agree 100% with @FredEire's last post, though the mental bandwith comes as self reflection here. Not sure OP relates, but i do it to understand myself more in early dating/connections and where I can improve because at the end of the day, we can only change ourselves (unless it goes against our values and character), not others. 

Edited 6 hours ago by Shehaari

[FredEire]

15 minutes ago, Repentant said:

Again, it's not about the situation with her, it's about some of the things mentioned in this thread. She's in the past now, that's done and closed as far as I'm concerned (even deleted the Insta account today, as I genuinely have no use for it).

And I genuinely wasn't projecting anything, I was stuck between "she's a known flirt, it means nothing" and "but she did flirt with you all night." Which is why I decided to heck with it and posted out for advice and input. As I mentioned from early on, I was leaning toward dropping it and moving on, precisely because I didn't read god knows what into what happened.

The specificities of how I choose to go about approaching someone in whom I'm interested are mine and mine alone, and I take full ownership. I have no use for projecting them onto someone else, being cautiously polite regardless is enough of a personal motivation. It may be the suboptimal route, but, more than anything, this thread has kinda' shown me that the "optimal" route is kinda'... mental, to put it politely and as far as I see it. As such, it's plenty clear that I don't want to date the kind of people who believe in the "optimal" route and nothing else, so that's a second win for me. 

To note, I'm very seldom anxious before asking someone out on a date, because that is uncertainty perpetuated by myself. I can see I am in full control of it, it's all down to a simple question to reach clarity. Anxiety only comes into play when this sort of faffing about and mixing signals starts happening. And, yes, while I can separate and accept that it means nothing, flirting with someone in whom one has no interest is still sending mixed messages. It's like ringing the dinner bell with empty plates. 

That's fine, you're perfectly entitled to whatever "method" you want, but then you mustn't complain if it gets you nowhere. I find there is no real point having a "method" other than do what comes naturally to you and use your gut to judge each individual situation. But everyone can do whatever they want.

Indeed. But flirting without any real follow up intention happens everywhere all the time. It's often an ego boost and a bit of a thrill. But that doesnt always mean whoever is flirting has any intention of dating or getting physical. Does that feel teasing and frustrating? Yes. But what can you do about it? Nothing. So it's better not to give it any more oxygen even by thinking about it and filing it away as not very fulfilling or worthwhile for you and leave it at that.

[Repentant]

14 minutes ago, Shehaari said:

It goes to show that people are complex and will approach dating very differently.

@Repentant Personally, as a woman, If I were sober and had flirted with you all night, clearly showing interest in you, I would be more curious in our communication- moreso when YOU were sober, regardless wether it was a message sent 1 day or 3 days after the actual incident. Be it with a video, or a "Hey it was nice meeting you".
Would I prefer the latter - yes, but a video wouldn't put me off unless it was rude/not funny etc. 

I don't see pacing interaction or approaching it in a softer way as an issue, unless it's being dragged out for weeks.
Seeing it from her POV, perhaps this could be her preferred texting pattern and texting you isn't a priority at the moment.

Do what feels right for you, but expect the outcome might result in some people losing interest (appearently:))

It seems like she was being flirty, perhaps she's like that in general, but had no real intention of taking it further. If she did, I don't see why she would be this passive in her communication. I agree, people might be busy, but if people can take their phones to the loo whilst doing their buisness, I'm sure replying to a message wouldn't be too much to ask, hehe.. 

Take her communication pattern as information and act accordingly. 

I also agree 100% with @FredEire's last post, though the mental bandwith comes as self reflection here. Not sure OP relates, but i do it to understand myself more in early dating/connections and where I can improve because at the end of the day, we can only change ourselves (unless it goes against our values and character), not others. 

Thank you! Yes, I understand exactly what you mean, I can't possibly see the type of interest which would lead to a date as something fleeting enough as to vanish after the first two random text messages, unless, as you've said, they're offensive in any way. That's exactly why I started thinking this was a "soft no" from the first flake. And, yes, agreed on the timeline as well, anything over a week is excessively long, both in reaching out and in replying I'd say. But I still can't possibly conceive how one's opinion could be swayed by a "hello..." Anyway, mini-trauma unlocked.

Unfortunately, part of my bandwidth is permanently allocated to being frustrated with human beings, in all ways justifiable. Unfortunate component of my Dramatis Persona, it's a "take it or leave it" thing and I own it.

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, Repentant said:

She didn't even give me the chance. C'mon, judging a person when they've had the space to give you so little based on which to judge them is patently absurd...

Ok, I think I’m going to atop giving you advices because you really don’t read what I write to you. I told you multiple times you shouldn’t have waited for a “chance”, the chance you had was to ask her out right after that night at the bar, without exchanging empty messages. You keep ignoring what I say and going in circles.

And what’s this talk about judging you? You came here for advice. People gave it to you. You chose to ignore it all and stubbornly and pointlessly kept insisting that you were right.

If being right is so important to you, then fine, be right and without a date.

Or listen to our advice, learn from your mistakes, and have more success at dating.

 

 

[Repentant]

12 minutes ago, FredEire said:

That's fine, you're perfectly entitled to whatever "method" you want, but then you mustn't complain if it gets you nowhere. I find there is no real point having a "method" other than do what comes naturally to you and use your gut to judge each individual situation. But everyone can do whatever they want.

Indeed. But flirting without any real follow up intention happens everywhere all the time. It's often an ego boost and a bit of a thrill. But that doesnt always mean whoever is flirting has any intention of dating or getting physical. Does that feel teasing and frustrating? Yes. But what can you do about it? Nothing. So it's better not to give it any more oxygen even by thinking about it and filing it away as not very fulfilling or worthwhile for you and leave it at that.

I wasn't even complaining about it :)) I was gobsmacked by the ridiculousness of the concept that saying "hello" instead of blurting out "let's go on a date" as a first interaction would be enough to neutralise the kind of interest which would lead one to flirt for an entire night. I mean, it was clear since yesterday she didn't have that kind of interest in me.

Here's a crazy idea: how 'bout we learn to communicate intent? Kinda' like how people talk and establish that they're down for casual sex, but for flirting, which has just as much potential of ruining someone's day if they weren't in on the joke. Maybe being a bit more considerate and owning our stuff would help.

[Repentant]

10 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Ok, I think I’m going to atop giving you advices because you really don’t read what I write to you. I told you multiple times you shouldn’t have waited for a “chance”, the chance you had was to ask her out right after that night at the bar, without exchanging empty messages. You keep ignoring what I say and going in circles.

And what’s this talk about judging you? You came here for advice. People gave it to you. You chose to ignore it all and stubbornly and pointlessly kept insisting that you were right.

If being right is so important to you, then fine, be right and without a date.

Or listen to our advice, learn from your mistakes, and have more success at dating.

 

 

Ok, this time I think you've misread me, my observation wasn't related to other people judging me, it was related to how absurd it is to judge someone in general based on a 5-minute interaction, which was in reference to what I'd written earlier, that my interaction with her over the past few days was 5 minutes overall. 

As for the advice, I don't know how one could say I didn't follow advice given here, since it was precisely due to this thread that I decided to reach out to her in the first place. But I cannot follow all of the advice given, because, as stated, I genuinely do not even want to date someone who'd lose any and all interest in me THIS dramatically either because I didn't ask her out within a standard business day, or because I didn't jump straight to dinner plans as a first contact message. Again, the very concept of such a situation is ridiculous to me and would clearly indicate that the person who got bored is 100% not what I want from a partner. Plus, whether plausible or not, it indicates that there wasn't much interest there to begin with. Not really. Maybe self-interest, but that's it.

Edited 6 hours ago by Repentant

[Gebidozo]

Dude, nobody is telling to start any acquaintance with a girl by asking her out right away. We are referring to your situation specifically.

In your case, the girl flirted with you. She gave you green light. If you then don’t ask her for a date right away and instead send her passive messages, then it’s completely understandable that she’d lose interest.

You keep stubbornly repeating that the issue is that you’re somehow less shallow than that girl because you wanted to take it slow or whatever. But in reality, this has nothing to do with being shallow or deep and everything to do with you being insecure and overthinking stuff, which is a turn off.

This wasn’t a situation where you had to make some life or death decisions. A girl was flirting with you in a bar and gave you her number. If you liked the girl, you should have made a move instead of waxing poetic about how you two need to “know each other” before you continue for several days straight.

It’s off-putting, it sounds like you’re only interested in being buddies with her or string her along. Some women would be downright insulted by that. I believe that @introverted1 here sounded sort of exasperated when she tried to explain that to you. I don’t know why it’s so hard for you to understand.

Edited 6 hours ago by Gebidozo