Shoot my shot, or take a hike?

[Repentant]

43 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

so this means you texted her and asked her our but it didn't work out?

Ah, no, thought I'd say "hello" beforehand, test the waters a bit - made a joke about finally having escaped my hangover, apologised if I behaved like an idiot Saturday, asked her how it's going. She replied enthusiastically, then took over half a day to reply to my next text (got one this morning). We seem to be repeating the same pattern today, and, ironically, this is even the point where the conversation would have shifted nicely into me asking her out :)) I guess I'll see tomorrow if we reach the point where I'll ask her out, if these days have been an indicator of the rhythm:))

Edited 18 hours ago by Repentant

[Repentant]

6 hours ago, MarriageRealist said:

You’re overthinking this in a good way - it shows you’re being thoughtful and respectful. Here’s the thing: there was clear mutual interest that night (the flirting, physical touch, exchanging numbers, her smiling at your gestures), and she hearted your song on Instagram, which is a positive sign. Waiting a week is actually perfectly fine and doesn’t come across as desperate - it shows you’re not overly eager while still being interested. Just reach out with something casual and genuine, maybe reference the song or something you talked about that night, and suggest getting coffee or drinks to actually get to know each other better. The “drunk guy from last week” concern is valid, but you can easily counter that by being thoughtful and intentional in how you approach her now - show her you remember your conversation and are genuinely interested in her as a person, not just someone you met at a bar. If she’s interested, she’ll appreciate you reaching out; if she’s not or was just being flirty that night, you’ll know and can move on. You’ve got nothing to lose by trying, and the worst that happens is she’s not interested - which is way better than spending more time wondering “what if.“

Thank you! I bit the bullet and texted her yesterday, we're four texts deep into a very choppy conversation so far:)) Don't yet know what it means, as her replies seem engaged and involved, but the interval between them is considerable. I'll ask her out tomorrow if the conversation progresses (I've been left on Seen today so far). Either way, a conclusion will have been reached.

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Repentant said:

her replies seem engaged and involved, but the interval between them is considerable.

You said it took her half a day to respond to your message about hangover. That’s not a considerable interval. People are busy, they work, spend time with friends, have hobbies. If she replied and seemed enthusiastic, the interval doesn’t matter.

I honestly find it strange that a lot of young people today appear to think that replying to a text after half a day is too late, but asking a girl out as soon as you feel that you want to do it is too early.

Don’t overthink these things. Act fast yourself and let the other person act at their own convenient speed.

Edited 12 hours ago by Gebidozo

[introverted1]

8 hours ago, Repentant said:

Ah, no, thought I'd say "hello" beforehand, test the waters a bit - made a joke about finally having escaped my hangover, apologised if I behaved like an idiot Saturday, asked her how it's going. She replied enthusiastically, then took over half a day to reply to my next text (got one this morning). We seem to be repeating the same pattern today, and, ironically, this is even the point where the conversation would have shifted nicely into me asking her out :)) I guess I'll see tomorrow if we reach the point where I'll ask her out, if these days have been an indicator of the rhythm:))

Oh my god....  I would be beyond frustrated with you if I was her.  If I have your timeline right, you met her nearly two weeks ago, on a Saturday night.  Then you waited a week and sent her a song in Instagram, which she hearted but, since you didn't actually say anything, she had nothing to respond to.  Now, nearly two weeks after meeting her, you sent her a text apologising for your behavior the night you met and then, even though she responded enthusiastically (which is frankly a miracle at this point), you still have not actually asked her out. 

What the heck are you doing?  First she green-lighted you by flirting.  Then she green-lighted you with the heart emoji.  Then she green-lighted you by replying "enthusiastically."  You seem intent on ensuring that her interest completely fizzles out by making a series of wishy-washy contacts, none of which bring you any closer to your goal of a date.  In fact, they are likely taking you further away from your goal.

Here is a formula for you:  boy meets girl, boy and girl flirt, boy asks girl out.  That's it.  She either says yes and they go on a date or she says no and he moves on.  Quit wasting her time and killing any fun/momentum/excitement that ever existed.  

Where is the banging-my-head-on-the-desk emoji?  Close enough.

[Repentant]

2 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

You said it took her half a day to respond to your message about hangover. That’s not a considerable interval. People are busy, they work, spend time with friends, have hobbies. If she replied and seemed enthusiastic, the interval doesn’t matter.

I honestly find it strange that a lot of young people today appear to think that replying to a text after half a day is too late, but asking a girl out as soon as you feel that you want to do it is too early.

Don’t overthink these things. Act fast yourself and let the other person act at their own convenient speed.

Part and parcel of the cognitive dissonance which is dating nowadays, apparently!:)) I honestly don't understand these things, either, but I've noticed that most people follow these rules whether they're aware of it or not, so it made sense to adjust my behaviour to more closely follow the rhythms. I have to say, it does tend to generate a lot of ancillary anxiety, precisely because it becomes mostly artificial after a point - things kinda' lose meaning when everything's done by schedule. 

Anyway, I wasn't leaning toward any conclusion in this case, taking things as they come. Perfectly aware that people have stuff to do, guess it's just a mini-projection of the fact that I, personally, try to be timely with everything.

Thank you for the encouraging words! 

[Repentant]

2 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Oh my god....  I would be beyond frustrated with you if I was her.  If I have your timeline right, you met her nearly two weeks ago, on a Saturday night.  Then you waited a week and sent her a song in Instagram, which she hearted but, since you didn't actually say anything, she had nothing to respond to.  Now, nearly two weeks after meeting her, you sent her a text apologising for your behavior the night you met and then, even though she responded enthusiastically (which is frankly a miracle at this point), you still have not actually asked her out. 

What the heck are you doing?  First she green-lighted you by flirting.  Then she green-lighted you with the heart emoji.  Then she green-lighted you by replying "enthusiastically."  You seem intent on ensuring that her interest completely fizzles out by making a series of wishy-washy contacts, none of which bring you any closer to your goal of a date.  In fact, they are likely taking you further away from your goal.

Here is a formula for you:  boy meets girl, boy and girl flirt, boy asks girl out.  That's it.  She either says yes and they go on a date or she says no and he moves on.  Quit wasting her time and killing any fun/momentum/excitement that ever existed.  

Where is the banging-my-head-on-the-desk emoji?  Close enough.

Well, first off, I apologise for the confusion, it wasn't two weeks ago. It'll be a week tomorrow. In addition, the song was sent the day after. May have expressed that poorly in my post, sorry again! 

Second, I mean... she could say something, too, y'know!:)) In all fairness, I get your point about potentially killing things with my caution, but so far I've wrecked more chances by going for it than I have by measuring my steps a bit. At the end of the day, as others have pointed out, I have nothing concrete on which to go. Some people just flirt, that's their style. I've had close friends do this to me before, but those cases were different precisely because I understood it was just "their style," everything had been contextualised beforehand. In this case, besides the fact that I had nothing concrete and that I was, I repeat, significantly drunk, it was also the first time I've ever interacted with this person. 

A metaphor I can give for it is that it feels to me like the difference between showing someone a song I like by blasting it into their grey matter with cans cranked up to max, and presenting it on a mild speaker, y'know?:))) 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Repentant said:

most people follow these rules whether they're aware of it or not, so it made sense to adjust my behaviour to more closely follow the rhythms.

None of the people I know personally follows any such rules. All the guys I know, myself included, ask the girl out immediately upon realizing that we want to do it. There is really no rule saying you should wait before doing that. On the contrary, the longer you wait, the more likely it is that the girl will think that you aren’t interested and move on.

 

1 hour ago, Repentant said:

she could say something, too, y'know!:))

Say what? She flirted with you, she responded to your message. What else did you expect her to say? It was definitely your turn to ask her out. Men still do it more often than women, and there is really nothing wrong with that. Generally, we are more proactive, women are more responsive.

 

1 hour ago, Repentant said:

so far I've wrecked more chances by going for it than I have by measuring my steps a bit.

That can’t be right.

If you go for it and the girl says “no”, then your chances are wrecked in exactly the same manner as they would be if you waited longer. Going for it is not what wrecks your chances, it just might expose the fact that there were no chances to begin with.

If a girl doesn’t like you, then she doesn’t like you. Better learn that sooner than later and spare your time and expectations.

 

[Repentant]

7 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

None of the people I know personally follows any such rules. All the guys I know, myself included, ask the girl out immediately upon realizing that we want to do it. There is really no rule saying you should wait before doing that. On the contrary, the longer you wait, the more likely it is that the girl will think that you aren’t interested and move on.

Huh, must be a regional thing, then:-? And it's not a rule, per se, more like etiquette, an unspoken rhythm. Dunno how to put it better.

8 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Say what? She flirted with you, she responded to your message. What else did you expect her to say? It was definitely your turn to ask her out. Men still do it more often than women, and there is really nothing wrong with that. Generally, we are more proactive, women are more responsive.

Something specific:)) Partly joking, I understand this tendency, been raised with this tendency in mind. It's not about hesitating to act, it's needing clearer markers that it's time to act, if that makes sense. Fully admit, this is a "me" problem. As I believe I've demonstrated so far, my natural state is to rationalise everything, which is why hints and body language and all of that flies over my head. "Yes, I see you rubbing up against me, please state your intentions though," like:)) 

13 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

That can’t be right.

If you go for it and the girl says “no”, then your chances are wrecked in exactly the same manner as they would be if you waited longer. Going for it is not what wrecks your chances, it just might expose the fact that there were no chances to begin with.

If a girl doesn’t like you, then she doesn’t like you. Better learn that sooner than later and spare your time and expectations.

Ties into this as well. What I meant by this is that I've wrecked my chances through the way I acted, even in situations where it was obvious that my chances were very good. Nothing untoward, to note, more like my mind skipping some beats and messing up the rhythm. Which is why I intentionally pace myself a bit, give the situation room to breathe and myself ample space to pay attention to the person with whom I'm interacting. Granted, I wouldn't normally wait, say, two weeks, but I will give it a couple of days. Usually. And when I reach out, it's like stepping into someone's home. To me, jumping straight to the question's like hopping on their couch, while saying "hi" and a couple of lines of small talk first is like wiping my shoes and waiting to be invited in:)) Hey, kudos to me for knocking in the first place!:)) 

Fully agree with sooner rather than later! No point dragging things out, but a week or so is a reasonable interval to my mind. Especially in a context like this. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Repentant said:

Nothing untoward, to note, more like my mind skipping some beats and messing up the rhythm.

What does this mean, exactly? Did you over-text? 

[Repentant]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What does this mean, exactly? Did you over-text? 

Dunno the limit for over-texting, but definitely over-sharing, coming in too hot (meaning with too much excitement for a first time thing), basically being "a bit too much," I guess.

[Gebidozo]

1 minute ago, Repentant said:

Dunno the limit for over-texting, but definitely over-sharing, coming in too hot (meaning with too much excitement for a first time thing), basically being "a bit too much," I guess.

This has absolutely nothing to do with the speed of asking a girl out.

Nobody is suggesting that you text her full details of your biography or tell her that she is a goddess.

Just ask her out.

[Repentant]

19 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

This has absolutely nothing to do with the speed of asking a girl out.

Nobody is suggesting that you text her full details of your biography or tell her that she is a goddess.

Just ask her out.

Oooh, I now realise we have two very different perspectives on what "asking someone out" entails:)) Yes, I see your point, I was referring to the ancillaries, the decor. To me, asking someone out is a process in itself, it's not just about the question/proposition. I like to make it personal, as I want to present myself through everything I do, intentionality behind every step. 

As such, it wasn't so much about publishing my autobiography in her DMs, or shoving the pedestal underneath her, more putting her off by asking her out through a very dumb joke which would've made a lot of sense had she known me a bit better, pulling stupid stunts, and oversharing stuff like: "hey, so, I've been thinking about you a worrying amount for the past year and a half, wanna go out?"

I genuinely don't know if this is making any sense, feels like trying to describe a knife's edge in detail:)) But I've had friends who've told me that it's too much, and listening to them - pacing things out, being patient, not rushing headfirst into dumb jokes, has paid off so far! Saying a "hello," exchanging a couple of lines of small talk, giving it room to breathe, these are also opportunities for me to check a few things out beforehand. See how she reacts to a diluted version of "me." If she's bothered by a non-insulting and, at worst, groan-inducing joke I threw in a random sentence about whatever, for instance, then I see no point in even asking. I love making dumb jokes, so it'd just be annoying for either or both of us.

Edited 8 hours ago by Repentant

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Repentant said:

putting her off by asking her out through a very dumb joke which would've made a lot of sense had she known me a bit better, pulling stupid stunts, and oversharing stuff like: "hey, so, I've been thinking about you a worrying amount for the past year and a half, wanna go out?"

Then… just don’t do any of these things.

They all make you look hesitant, fearful, and insecure.

No woman is going to like the prospect of dating a man who waited a year and a half to ask her out.

Just ask her out and talk to her normally.

 

1 hour ago, Repentant said:

pacing things out, being patient, not rushing headfirst into dumb jokes, has paid off so far! Saying a "hello," exchanging a couple of lines of small talk, giving it room to breathe, these are also opportunities for me to check a few things out beforehand.

Yes, but again, this has nothing to do with the speed of asking a girl out.

 

1 hour ago, Repentant said:

 

[Repentant]

3 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Then… just don’t do any of these things.

They all make you look hesitant, fearful, and insecure.

No woman is going to like the prospect of dating a man who waited a year and a half to ask her out.

Just ask her out and talk to her normally.

 

Yes, but again, this has nothing to do with the speed of asking a girl out.

 

 

Yep, I can't explain it any better, and I haven't conveyed what I was trying to convey, so I'll drop it and I'll concede:))

Moot point in this case, anyway, replies stopped completely, apparently.

[introverted1]

8 hours ago, Repentant said:

Well, first off, I apologise for the confusion, it wasn't two weeks ago. It'll be a week tomorrow. In addition, the song was sent the day after. May have expressed that poorly in my post, sorry again! 

Second, I mean... she could say something, too, y'know!:)) In all fairness, I get your point about potentially killing things with my caution, but so far I've wrecked more chances by going for it than I have by measuring my steps a bit. At the end of the day, as others have pointed out, I have nothing concrete on which to go. Some people just flirt, that's their style. I've had close friends do this to me before, but those cases were different precisely because I understood it was just "their style," everything had been contextualised beforehand. In this case, besides the fact that I had nothing concrete and that I was, I repeat, significantly drunk, it was also the first time I've ever interacted with this person. 

A metaphor I can give for it is that it feels to me like the difference between showing someone a song I like by blasting it into their grey matter with cans cranked up to max, and presenting it on a mild speaker, y'know?:))) 

Ok, one week.  But still:  why send a song when you could have sent "Hey, it was great meeting you. If you're free Thursday, I'd love to continue our chat over dinner." 

She's either going to accept, suggest an alternative if she's busy, or decline.  I truly don't understand all the analysis you're putting into this at this stage of the game. It is self-sabotage for sure.  If I were her, I'd be wondering what you were doing.  My best guess would be that you were keeping me warm in case your better options didn't work out.  Is that really the message you want to send? 

Edited 2 hours ago by introverted1

[Repentant]

1 minute ago, introverted1 said:

Ok, one week.  But still:  why send a song when you could have sent "Hey, it was great meeting you. If you're free Thursday, I'd love to continue our chat over dinner at (wherever)." 

She's either going to accept, suggest an alternative if she's busy, or decline.  I truly don't understand all the analysis you're putting into this at this stage of the game. It is self-sabotage for sure.  If I were her, I'd be wondering what you were doing.  My best guess would be that you were keeping me warm in case your better options didn't work out.  Is that really the message you want to send? 

Firstly, because I was, again, very drunk, and I sent that song in the morning, when I got home from drinking:)) Secondly, I didn't send anything else for three days because I genuinely didn't understand if there was any point to doing that. It's why I made this post, I wanted to see if there was anything in what had happened that might indicate that there would be a point in me reaching out and asking her out. Again, her behaviour that night was heavily flirty, but I've seen people do more for even less. It could mean something, or it could just mean that I was the first harmless empty arm with which she could keep herself busy for the night. 

I analyse because I don't want to bother anyone, not even with asking them out on a date if there's no interest there to begin with. Yes, I'd rather not even ask the question if I can understand that it's pointless beforehand. Call me excessive, but I see it as a form of politeness. And especially so if I do get a foot in the door, I see it as polite to at least frame the question in a mini-conversation. In this case specifically, for instance, she replied to my opener telling me not to worry, that she's having a super-busy week and can't wait to blow off steam at the gym. I then asked her what exercises she was doing, she replied the next day (12-14 hours) with a description and an observation that she can't wait for the weekend. I then said something related to her answer and asked her what she does as an "omg, gotta know so I can avoid" joke (with an attached apology if I forgot that info from Saturday). No reply in 24 hours now. I was planning on asking her out in my following reply. 

I genuinely don't see how I've killed the excitement in this case, seems to me there wasn't any excitement there to begin with. I understand we all have busy lives, and I myself am guilty of vanishing for months on end due to psychological needs, but I, personally, can't understand taking more than half a day to reply to a text from someone who presents any sort of interest to me. No matter how busy I may be, and unless the text itself is repulsive, there'll always be 30 seconds somewhere within the next 12 hours of my day in which I can type an "I'm so sorry for the delay, got swamped, I'll get back to you as soon as I can," at the very least. 

As for your last observation, I genuinely don't know how I could give off that impression, to be honest. I'm not being defensive, I'm being analytical. From my perspective, I was there for my friend, first and foremost. In addition, there was a second woman who hit on me during that night, and I most certainly did not respond to her with the same level of involvement as I did the one in question. And, as I've stated from the start, she initiated pretty much the whole thing. At most, I responded in kind. However I know myself when I'm drunk, and I stick to my goals, so I most likely spent most of the time focused on my friend. 

[introverted1]

7 minutes ago, Repentant said:

I analyse because I don't want to bother anyone, not even with asking them out on a date if there's no interest there to begin with. Yes, I'd rather not even ask the question if I can understand that it's pointless beforehand. Call me excessive, but I see it as a form of politeness. 

It reads as insecurity, not politeness.

Quote

And especially so if I do get a foot in the door, I see it as polite to at least frame the question in a mini-conversation. In this case specifically, for instance, she replied to my opener telling me not to worry, that she's having a super-busy week and can't wait to blow off steam at the gym. I then asked her what exercises she was doing, she replied the next day (12-14 hours) with a description and an observation that she can't wait for the weekend.

That was an opening. 

Quote

As for your last observation, I genuinely don't know how I could give off that impression, to be honest. 

Because when you reach out repeatedly but don't ask to actually see her, it seems like you are just trying to keep her on a back burner.  Or that you are extremely insecure.  Both of these are a buzz kill. 

Edited 1 hour ago by introverted1

[introverted1]

7 minutes ago, Repentant said:

I myself am guilty of vanishing for months on end due to psychological needs,

What sort of psychological needs?

[Repentant]

17 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

It reads as insecurity, not politeness.

Well, then that's just something that'll have to get lost in translation, then, as I have hard limits on politeness. My principles will always be more important than a potential date.

17 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

That was an opening. 

I saw it as such as well, which is why I wasn't going delay the question any further than two replies. But when a four-line conversation takes three days to unfold... yeah. 

17 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Because when you reach out repeatedly but don't ask to actually see her, it seems like you are just trying to keep her on a back burner.  Or that you are extremely insecure.  Both of these are a buzz kill. 

But I didn't reach out repeatedly, I reached out the one time and I tried to start a conversation  This is what I don't understand from your point, the question could have been on her screen that same day had it not taken her 2-3 business days to reply:)) 

14 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

What sort of psychological needs?

Pretty much life-long dysthymia/anhedonia, with periodic dips into Major. Sometimes I got overloaded and needed to completely cut myself off from everything for a while. 

Edited 1 hour ago by Repentant

[FredEire]

You seem to be overly apologetic in general and a bit down on yourself (even in the title of this thread "take a hike") and it's not a very attractive quality.

You're reading way too much into "rules" and etiquette. In my opinion their are no rules. Do whatever the hell you want as long as you are being respectful. Reply when you want, if you want to text back straight away do it, you dont have to wait exactly 30 minutes on the dot, do a little dance and sacrifice a goat to the sun god.

The fact that you're overanalysing everything is more harmful than anything. Generally if there is interest just go for it and set up a date. If shes acting wishy washy or not interested pull back, but in this case it sounds like you are being wishy washy.

[FredEire]

1 minute ago, Repentant said:

Well, then that's just something that'll have to get lost in translation, then, as I have hard limits on politeness. My principles will always be more important than a potential date.

I saw it as such as well, which is why I wasn't going delay the question any further than two replies. But when a four-line conversation takes three days to unfold... yeah. 

But I didn't reach out repeatedly, I reached out the one time and I tried to start a conversation  This is what I don't understand from your point, the question could have been on her screen that same day had it not taken her 2-3 business days to reply:)) 

Pretty much life-long dysthymia/anhedonia, with periodic dips into Major. Sometimes I got overloaded and needed to completely cut myself off from everything for a while. 

Well you can have your principles, but it'll be very hard to date anyone. Apologising for everything when you did nothing wrong is just going to seem like you dont have very high self-esteem.

[Repentant]

4 minutes ago, FredEire said:

You seem to be overly apologetic in general and a bit down on yourself (even in the title of this thread "take a hike") and it's not a very attractive quality.

You're reading way too much into "rules" and etiquette. In my opinion their are no rules. Do whatever the hell you want as long as you are being respectful. Reply when you want, if you want to text back straight away do it, you dont have to wait exactly 30 minutes on the dot, do a little dance and sacrifice a goat to the sun god.

The fact that you're overanalysing everything is more harmful than anything. Generally if there is interest just go for it and set up a date. If shes acting wishy washy or not interested pull back, but in this case it sounds like you are being wishy washy.

Well, I am being wishy-washy with it, because I'm fumbling in the dark on this one. I genuinely don't see anything clear in this particular case, regardless of how it looks from the outside. As such, I've been easing my way into it, but I did engage in the conversation I started, and would have maintained engagement. But it stopped being up to me. Again, it's been a four-line conversation so far, it could have taken no longer than an afternoon to go through it, but it took three days instead. And, honestly... if she loses interest during a four-line conversation, then that's someone I don't think I'd want to date. Although, again, I'm convinced there was no interest there to begin with in this case.

8 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Well you can have your principles, but it'll be very hard to date anyone. Apologising for everything when you did nothing wrong is just going to seem like you dont have very high self-esteem.

This is so weird to me... I want to respect my principles precisely because I want to respect myself. I couldn't respect myself if I started behaving in ways which go against my values, and being polite, offering a modicum of basic respect to any human being I encounter, trying to at least not make things worse if I can't make them any better, these are dearly important to me. Filing it under "going against the grain," I guess.

[introverted1]

3 minutes ago, Repentant said:

Well, then that's just something that'll have to get lost in translation, then, as I have hard limits on politeness. My principles will always be more important than a potential date.

 But it's not politeness.  There is nothing impolite about meeting someone and then asking them out in a timely fashion. 

2 minutes ago, Repentant said:

But I didn't reach out repeatedly, I reached out the one time and I tried to start a conversation  This is what I don't understand from your point, the question could have been on her screen that same day had it not taken her 2-3 business days to reply:)) 

You are looking at this from a distorted lens IMO. More specifically, you are not thinking of how she is processing events.

First off, as you mentioned, she wasn't drunk the night you met.  So while her flirtatiousness could have been just her nature, it also could have been a genuine sign of interest. You don't seem to allow for that.

If I am her, I'd wonder why you sent me the song.  Was it from an artist we'd discussed?  Was I meant to infer something from the lyrics? Why did you send a song with no comment/context?  Are you interested in me or was your flirtation just the result of you being drunk? But I liked you, so I hearted the song, which you will hopefully recognize as a sign of interest from my side and actually say something to me.  Except you don't.

I don't hear from you for a few days when you suddenly pop back up.  But again, you don't mention wanting to see me.  Instead you are asking questions about what exercises I do at the gym. WTH.  I don't give up just yet, I bring up the weekend, which hopefully will nudge you into proposing that we do something together.  Again you don't.  At this point, I am no doubt thinking you are a time waster.  A guy who reaches out when he's bored but has no interest in dating me.  So yes, my responses will slow down. 

If you don't see that you created a self-fulfilling prophecy here, I don't know how else to explain it. 

 

[Repentant]

30 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

But it's not politeness.  There is nothing impolite about meeting someone and then asking them out in a timely fashion. 

Then it comes down to what each of us understands through "timely," I don't see waiting 2-3 days before reaching out as too long. Over a week, sure, yeah, "option B" type stuff. And especially not after being severely inebriated when we first met:)) 

30 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

You are looking at this from a distorted lens IMO. More specifically, you are not thinking of how she is processing events.

Yes, you are correct. I have been looking at this through my own perspective, and, yes, I wouldn't have a problem with a follow-up unfolding somewhere within the week after the first meeting happens. It seems pretty unreasonable to me to not have patience enough to cover 2-3 days, then a basic conversation...

30 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

First off, as you mentioned, she wasn't drunk the night you met.  So while her flirtatiousness could have been just her nature, it also could have been a genuine sign of interest. You don't seem to allow for that.

If I am her, I'd wonder why you sent me the song.  Was it from an artist we'd discussed?  Was I meant to infer something from the lyrics? Why did you send a song with no comment/context?  Are you interested in me or was your flirtation just the result of you being drunk? But I liked you, so I hearted the song, which you will hopefully recognize as a sign of interest from my side and actually say something to me.  Except you don't.

I don't hear from you for a few days when you suddenly pop back up.  But again, you don't mention wanting to see me.  Instead you are asking questions about what exercises I do at the gym. WTH.  I don't give up just yet, I bring up the weekend, which hopefully will nudge you into proposing that we do something together.  Again you don't.  At this point, I am no doubt thinking you are a time waster.  A guy who reaches out when he's bored but has no interest in dating me.  So yes, my responses will slow down. 

If you don't see that you created a self-fulfilling prophecy here, I don't know how else to explain it. 

This, too, seems very brusque to me. I'm not saying this as much as a value judgement, as I am as an example of what I'd say is a major rhythm mismatch. I mean, if one reply which does not meet the expectation of being asked out is me wasting her time, then we're functioning at two very different speeds and it'd be a pointless endeavour to begin with. I accept, that random song I sent was, well, random, and the only reason I sent a random song was that I was wasted. But the subsequent conversation... I mean, I reached out, I'm clearly invested, because I'm curious about the things she's saying, I'm asking her genuine questions, linking them to what I remember from Saturday. If we're to talk about wasted time, I'd honestly see answering a simple question after 15 hours as being more of a waste of time than the question itself would have ever required. The entire conversation itself, from "hello" to "wanna go out" - meaning 6-7 replies at most, would have taken less than 15 hours real-time. Heck, it could have taken less than 15 minutes, even. Again, I'm not judging her, situation's pretty crummy, but it is what it is. I'm taking this clinically, didactically. 

Edited 27 minutes ago by Repentant

[Gebidozo]

OP, come on.

I understand you wouldn’t trust me or @FredEire because we’re dudes, but @introverted1 is a woman. Why do you ignore what she is saying about being turned off by your interaction methods?

It’s not about mismatched rhythms, it’s about being direct and clear in regard to your intentions.

If you like a girl, you ask her out. Period. You don’t first text her random stuff and delay meeting her ad infinitum. @introverted1 is absolutely right: it looks like you’re keeping her around as an option. 

Edited 5 minutes ago by Gebidozo