Shoot my shot, or take a hike?

[Repentant]

43 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

so this means you texted her and asked her our but it didn't work out?

Ah, no, thought I'd say "hello" beforehand, test the waters a bit - made a joke about finally having escaped my hangover, apologised if I behaved like an idiot Saturday, asked her how it's going. She replied enthusiastically, then took over half a day to reply to my next text (got one this morning). We seem to be repeating the same pattern today, and, ironically, this is even the point where the conversation would have shifted nicely into me asking her out :)) I guess I'll see tomorrow if we reach the point where I'll ask her out, if these days have been an indicator of the rhythm:))

Edited 11 hours ago by Repentant

[Repentant]

6 hours ago, MarriageRealist said:

You’re overthinking this in a good way - it shows you’re being thoughtful and respectful. Here’s the thing: there was clear mutual interest that night (the flirting, physical touch, exchanging numbers, her smiling at your gestures), and she hearted your song on Instagram, which is a positive sign. Waiting a week is actually perfectly fine and doesn’t come across as desperate - it shows you’re not overly eager while still being interested. Just reach out with something casual and genuine, maybe reference the song or something you talked about that night, and suggest getting coffee or drinks to actually get to know each other better. The “drunk guy from last week” concern is valid, but you can easily counter that by being thoughtful and intentional in how you approach her now - show her you remember your conversation and are genuinely interested in her as a person, not just someone you met at a bar. If she’s interested, she’ll appreciate you reaching out; if she’s not or was just being flirty that night, you’ll know and can move on. You’ve got nothing to lose by trying, and the worst that happens is she’s not interested - which is way better than spending more time wondering “what if.“

Thank you! I bit the bullet and texted her yesterday, we're four texts deep into a very choppy conversation so far:)) Don't yet know what it means, as her replies seem engaged and involved, but the interval between them is considerable. I'll ask her out tomorrow if the conversation progresses (I've been left on Seen today so far). Either way, a conclusion will have been reached.

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Repentant said:

her replies seem engaged and involved, but the interval between them is considerable.

You said it took her half a day to respond to your message about hangover. That’s not a considerable interval. People are busy, they work, spend time with friends, have hobbies. If she replied and seemed enthusiastic, the interval doesn’t matter.

I honestly find it strange that a lot of young people today appear to think that replying to a text after half a day is too late, but asking a girl out as soon as you feel that you want to do it is too early.

Don’t overthink these things. Act fast yourself and let the other person act at their own convenient speed.

Edited 5 hours ago by Gebidozo

[introverted1]

8 hours ago, Repentant said:

Ah, no, thought I'd say "hello" beforehand, test the waters a bit - made a joke about finally having escaped my hangover, apologised if I behaved like an idiot Saturday, asked her how it's going. She replied enthusiastically, then took over half a day to reply to my next text (got one this morning). We seem to be repeating the same pattern today, and, ironically, this is even the point where the conversation would have shifted nicely into me asking her out :)) I guess I'll see tomorrow if we reach the point where I'll ask her out, if these days have been an indicator of the rhythm:))

Oh my god....  I would be beyond frustrated with you if I was her.  If I have your timeline right, you met her nearly two weeks ago, on a Saturday night.  Then you waited a week and sent her a song in Instagram, which she hearted but, since you didn't actually say anything, she had nothing to respond to.  Now, nearly two weeks after meeting her, you sent her a text apologising for your behavior the night you met and then, even though she responded enthusiastically (which is frankly a miracle at this point), you still have not actually asked her out. 

What the heck are you doing?  First she green-lighted you by flirting.  Then she green-lighted you with the heart emoji.  Then she green-lighted you by replying "enthusiastically."  You seem intent on ensuring that her interest completely fizzles out by making a series of wishy-washy contacts, none of which bring you any closer to your goal of a date.  In fact, they are likely taking you further away from your goal.

Here is a formula for you:  boy meets girl, boy and girl flirt, boy asks girl out.  That's it.  She either says yes and they go on a date or she says no and he moves on.  Quit wasting her time and killing any fun/momentum/excitement that ever existed.  

Where is the banging-my-head-on-the-desk emoji?  Close enough.

[Repentant]

2 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

You said it took her half a day to respond to your message about hangover. That’s not a considerable interval. People are busy, they work, spend time with friends, have hobbies. If she replied and seemed enthusiastic, the interval doesn’t matter.

I honestly find it strange that a lot of young people today appear to think that replying to a text after half a day is too late, but asking a girl out as soon as you feel that you want to do it is too early.

Don’t overthink these things. Act fast yourself and let the other person act at their own convenient speed.

Part and parcel of the cognitive dissonance which is dating nowadays, apparently!:)) I honestly don't understand these things, either, but I've noticed that most people follow these rules whether they're aware of it or not, so it made sense to adjust my behaviour to more closely follow the rhythms. I have to say, it does tend to generate a lot of ancillary anxiety, precisely because it becomes mostly artificial after a point - things kinda' lose meaning when everything's done by schedule. 

Anyway, I wasn't leaning toward any conclusion in this case, taking things as they come. Perfectly aware that people have stuff to do, guess it's just a mini-projection of the fact that I, personally, try to be timely with everything.

Thank you for the encouraging words! 

[Repentant]

2 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Oh my god....  I would be beyond frustrated with you if I was her.  If I have your timeline right, you met her nearly two weeks ago, on a Saturday night.  Then you waited a week and sent her a song in Instagram, which she hearted but, since you didn't actually say anything, she had nothing to respond to.  Now, nearly two weeks after meeting her, you sent her a text apologising for your behavior the night you met and then, even though she responded enthusiastically (which is frankly a miracle at this point), you still have not actually asked her out. 

What the heck are you doing?  First she green-lighted you by flirting.  Then she green-lighted you with the heart emoji.  Then she green-lighted you by replying "enthusiastically."  You seem intent on ensuring that her interest completely fizzles out by making a series of wishy-washy contacts, none of which bring you any closer to your goal of a date.  In fact, they are likely taking you further away from your goal.

Here is a formula for you:  boy meets girl, boy and girl flirt, boy asks girl out.  That's it.  She either says yes and they go on a date or she says no and he moves on.  Quit wasting her time and killing any fun/momentum/excitement that ever existed.  

Where is the banging-my-head-on-the-desk emoji?  Close enough.

Well, first off, I apologise for the confusion, it wasn't two weeks ago. It'll be a week tomorrow. In addition, the song was sent the day after. May have expressed that poorly in my post, sorry again! 

Second, I mean... she could say something, too, y'know!:)) In all fairness, I get your point about potentially killing things with my caution, but so far I've wrecked more chances by going for it than I have by measuring my steps a bit. At the end of the day, as others have pointed out, I have nothing concrete on which to go. Some people just flirt, that's their style. I've had close friends do this to me before, but those cases were different precisely because I understood it was just "their style," everything had been contextualised beforehand. In this case, besides the fact that I had nothing concrete and that I was, I repeat, significantly drunk, it was also the first time I've ever interacted with this person. 

A metaphor I can give for it is that it feels to me like the difference between showing someone a song I like by blasting it into their grey matter with cans cranked up to max, and presenting it on a mild speaker, y'know?:))) 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Repentant said:

most people follow these rules whether they're aware of it or not, so it made sense to adjust my behaviour to more closely follow the rhythms.

None of the people I know personally follows any such rules. All the guys I know, myself included, ask the girl out immediately upon realizing that we want to do it. There is really no rule saying you should wait before doing that. On the contrary, the longer you wait, the more likely it is that the girl will think that you aren’t interested and move on.

 

1 hour ago, Repentant said:

she could say something, too, y'know!:))

Say what? She flirted with you, she responded to your message. What else did you expect her to say? It was definitely your turn to ask her out. Men still do it more often than women, and there is really nothing wrong with that. Generally, we are more proactive, women are more responsive.

 

1 hour ago, Repentant said:

so far I've wrecked more chances by going for it than I have by measuring my steps a bit.

That can’t be right.

If you go for it and the girl says “no”, then your chances are wrecked in exactly the same manner as they would be if you waited longer. Going for it is not what wrecks your chances, it just might expose the fact that there were no chances to begin with.

If a girl doesn’t like you, then she doesn’t like you. Better learn that sooner than later and spare your time and expectations.

 

[Repentant]

7 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

None of the people I know personally follows any such rules. All the guys I know, myself included, ask the girl out immediately upon realizing that we want to do it. There is really no rule saying you should wait before doing that. On the contrary, the longer you wait, the more likely it is that the girl will think that you aren’t interested and move on.

Huh, must be a regional thing, then:-? And it's not a rule, per se, more like etiquette, an unspoken rhythm. Dunno how to put it better.

8 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Say what? She flirted with you, she responded to your message. What else did you expect her to say? It was definitely your turn to ask her out. Men still do it more often than women, and there is really nothing wrong with that. Generally, we are more proactive, women are more responsive.

Something specific:)) Partly joking, I understand this tendency, been raised with this tendency in mind. It's not about hesitating to act, it's needing clearer markers that it's time to act, if that makes sense. Fully admit, this is a "me" problem. As I believe I've demonstrated so far, my natural state is to rationalise everything, which is why hints and body language and all of that flies over my head. "Yes, I see you rubbing up against me, please state your intentions though," like:)) 

13 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

That can’t be right.

If you go for it and the girl says “no”, then your chances are wrecked in exactly the same manner as they would be if you waited longer. Going for it is not what wrecks your chances, it just might expose the fact that there were no chances to begin with.

If a girl doesn’t like you, then she doesn’t like you. Better learn that sooner than later and spare your time and expectations.

Ties into this as well. What I meant by this is that I've wrecked my chances through the way I acted, even in situations where it was obvious that my chances were very good. Nothing untoward, to note, more like my mind skipping some beats and messing up the rhythm. Which is why I intentionally pace myself a bit, give the situation room to breathe and myself ample space to pay attention to the person with whom I'm interacting. Granted, I wouldn't normally wait, say, two weeks, but I will give it a couple of days. Usually. And when I reach out, it's like stepping into someone's home. To me, jumping straight to the question's like hopping on their couch, while saying "hi" and a couple of lines of small talk first is like wiping my shoes and waiting to be invited in:)) Hey, kudos to me for knocking in the first place!:)) 

Fully agree with sooner rather than later! No point dragging things out, but a week or so is a reasonable interval to my mind. Especially in a context like this. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Repentant said:

Nothing untoward, to note, more like my mind skipping some beats and messing up the rhythm.

What does this mean, exactly? Did you over-text? 

[Repentant]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What does this mean, exactly? Did you over-text? 

Dunno the limit for over-texting, but definitely over-sharing, coming in too hot (meaning with too much excitement for a first time thing), basically being "a bit too much," I guess.

[Gebidozo]

1 minute ago, Repentant said:

Dunno the limit for over-texting, but definitely over-sharing, coming in too hot (meaning with too much excitement for a first time thing), basically being "a bit too much," I guess.

This has absolutely nothing to do with the speed of asking a girl out.

Nobody is suggesting that you text her full details of your biography or tell her that she is a goddess.

Just ask her out.

[Repentant]

19 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

This has absolutely nothing to do with the speed of asking a girl out.

Nobody is suggesting that you text her full details of your biography or tell her that she is a goddess.

Just ask her out.

Oooh, I now realise we have two very different perspectives on what "asking someone out" entails:)) Yes, I see your point, I was referring to the ancillaries, the decor. To me, asking someone out is a process in itself, it's not just about the question/proposition. I like to make it personal, as I want to present myself through everything I do, intentionality behind every step. 

As such, it wasn't so much about publishing my autobiography in her DMs, or shoving the pedestal underneath her, more putting her off by asking her out through a very dumb joke which would've made a lot of sense had she known me a bit better, pulling stupid stunts, and oversharing stuff like: "hey, so, I've been thinking about you a worrying amount for the past year and a half, wanna go out?"

I genuinely don't know if this is making any sense, feels like trying to describe a knife's edge in detail:)) But I've had friends who've told me that it's too much, and listening to them - pacing things out, being patient, not rushing headfirst into dumb jokes, has paid off so far! Saying a "hello," exchanging a couple of lines of small talk, giving it room to breathe, these are also opportunities for me to check a few things out beforehand. See how she reacts to a diluted version of "me." If she's bothered by a non-insulting and, at worst, groan-inducing joke I threw in a random sentence about whatever, for instance, then I see no point in even asking. I love making dumb jokes, so it'd just be annoying for either or both of us.

Edited 1 hour ago by Repentant