Sorry....venting...need reassurance.

[BMI03]

Hi all.

Sorry for the length....as with other times, I find typing out occurrences here a good way to organize my thoughts, in parallel to getting some outside opinions and perspectives on things, coming from different life experiences than I.

Nothing new for those who have followed my past posts. My wife, having gone through a great deal of childhood trauma, has her triggers. She is controlling, which I am sure comes from a place of not having control as a child. But we continuously go through a repetitive cycle: She wants to make the calls -> I feel emotional pressure and punishment to pass everything through her to avoid emotional blow ups -> I eventually tire out and just let her take over the decisions because I am frustrated by the feeling of subordination and emotional punishment if I show any attempt to make a call or make the wrong one by her measurement -> She takes control and owns all the decisions -> She gets overwhelmed and throws it all up in the air and quits, telling me I need to make more initiative ("I don't care. Do whatever you want to do", at the 11th hour) -> I end up either having to make a bunch of independent decisions under an avoidable time pressure, and/or make calls without even her minimal input.

Additionally, when I try to discuss decisions, she will not discuss her opinions. It's 'Her way', or no involvement from her, and then she make me pay for any mistakes emotionally. This includes decisions of all sizes: what our son wears to school, to ordering food to eat, etc.

I am frustratingly underemotional (I may even guess a bit autistic), calm and calculated, and don't say anything until I mean it unapologetically. This means I can be pushed a long way before I speak up. But I also find my mood and happiness is absolutely anchored to my wife's happiness and satisfaction in me. Today I hit a mental limit. 

Granted, we both see psychologists so part of my standing up to her today was also based on guidance to not reward her for childish behavior. She has been seeing one for about the last four months after finally deciding to take care of some of her childhood trauma. I, for about four months also, because I feel I need support in determining how to navigate all of this, and, to determine how my personality-type adds to the challenges, so I can determine paths to best support her, and my own development to a place I can be happy outside of my tight tie into her satisfaction of me. She is working on herself, and that's positive.

The situation last night / this morning:

She worked late. We spoke quickly about supper. She asked if I had ideas or wanted to order something. I said let's order since Super Bowl is on and I know she wanted to get home to see half time show. She agreed. I sent an UberEats option for feedback, she said yes. No answer to me on what she wanted, but I have a good idea. I loaded a cart and sent her pic of what I selected for her. She agreed about 45 min later and said she could pick it up. I kept cart active waiting for her answer, so told her I have it all selected, and half-time show will start, why don't I just order for delivery. She agreed (all through text). I also know her departure time to rarely work as intended, and my son would have to eat soon.

Food came. Her food was good. Son's food had some vegies in it which I could remove, even though I asked for none...no big deal to me. Mine had 'wrong' sauce, caused by myself because I asked for an particular extra sauce different from the one I select for my meal, thinking it would be on the side (an extra sauce my wife likes, so intended to get it with mine so she had extra), but they put it in my meal instead of the side. No big deal other than not the way I usually order it. I called store to understand if I was missing a side sauce, or if it was in my meal (it was in the meal). Wife took phone away from me and laid into the worker for 10 minutes giving them a hard time for mistakes they made (arguable...it in part was my fault for a false assumption). She then had a bad attitude through the half time show, yells at our son for a laundry issue, and goes to bed early. This morning she tells me that she hates when I don't get the food I want because I seem grumpy. I share that not having the right food is tiny in comparison to how turbulent it feels when she goes off. She in turn feels my reaction to food mistakes ruins her night (a fair feeling...I don't think I complain, but my mood is at least temporarily a negative reaction to that occurrence, sure). She expressed anger that I wouldn't let her pick it up when she wanted to because she knows how to order it the way she should to get my correct food. I told her I don't think I said she couldn't...I usually speak/text in suggestive terms vs. matter-of-fact because of the frequency of rejection of my ideas. So I said I suggested ordering because (1) her work departure time is volatile and she could get stuck at work, and (2) going to pick it up was going to risk her missing the show she said she wanted to come home for.  So I said it's a cross roads...I told her that we can't control each other's feelings, but I need space to make decisions and calls in our relationship too...that it's not a king/queendom, and I am fed up with having to pass every detail through her, and for her need to control every move our family makes. It's exhausting, and paralyzing. If there was a HARD reason she wanted to pick it up more than the casual "I can pick it up" over text, let's discuss that at the time. I can't tell a hard "I MUST pick it up to be happy' vs. a 'I don't mind picking it up if all the same to you' over text. Then I can give my reasons and we can decide together.

My outcome: Me walking away to my work laptop and ear buds to not reward her behavior with attention and a fight. I typed our a text message expressing that I love her, but that I cannot live with the criticism and pressure to relinquish control for every little thing, and that I need to step away because my mood is so tied to her emotional satisfaction in me, that my work suffers when she is unhappy, and that's on me to solve by dialing down my reliance on her approval. Then I mistakenly sent it to a group chat with her, and her uncle and aunt. My wife immediately saw, informed me, I deleted it (early morning and they are four time zones earlier than us so I hope in the 3 minutes it was there I deleted in time), so that sucked. I didn't say anything in the text that I would be ashamed to say in front of them aside from the idea of sharing personal business (meaning the way I talk to her is always the way I would talk to her if loved ones were a part of this and in the room with her as well).

Her outcome: Her (happening in the background and what I determined later after she left for work) storming to the bedroom slamming the door, screaming, and smashing a coffee mug and cutting herself. I didn't know she cut herself until after she left and I found the tissues with blood. I don't want to engage her while in that mood any longer..I am done with the tantrums. She then left for work.

My question is, should we advance into joint marriage counseling in parallel to individual? Is there value to going down that joint sessions path, when we have only recently started working on ourselves? She has started working on herself, but I feel like it's going to be a long path, and at some point we need to be in a room together getting some help. I also feel like my on psychologist is good, but she's more or less become a source of confirmation that I am married to someone who has great trauma to work through, and that I am a thoughtful victim that needs help in navigation. The reality is that I also must contribute to her frustrations in some fashion,, past trauma or not, and I don't know if I am getting that realization, understanding, and support from my one psychologist on, in order to dig into that also. Perhaps that's the angle that requires the two of us to be in a room together with a single psychologist? 

 

Conclusion: Those in personal and couples psychology...pros and cons of overlapping, and when do you think is the right time to start?

 

Thanks all.

 

[Els]

I remember your last post. 

I absolutely agree that you two need MC. There's no reason to postpone MC, it can be done alongside IC, so you can start right away (as long as you can afford both simultaneously, that is). 

[BMI03]

2 hours ago, Els said:

I remember your last post. 

I absolutely agree that you two need MC. There's no reason to postpone MC, it can be done alongside IC, so you can start right away (as long as you can afford both simultaneously, that is). 

Thank you. I appreciate the input.