Fell for someone amazing, but he doesn’t want monogamy. I want commitment and a family. Is this doomed?

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone. I’m 32F and the man I’m seeing is also 32. I’m looking for some outside perspective because I feel very emotionally torn and don’t trust my own judgment right now.

 

I work as a receptionist at a hotel. Not long ago, I came out of a narcissistic relationship that left me deeply heartbroken. We had agreed on building a family together, and I ended up having an abortion after he suddenly changed his mind. That whole experience shattered something in me – especially the part of me that longed to become a mother one day. That’s a story in itself, but it’s important context for where I’m emotionally.

 

One evening at work, a man came down to the reception. I had noticed him before – honestly, everyone had. He was striking: sparkling blue eyes, dark features, and a genuinely beautiful face. We started talking, and later that evening he came back with a small piece of paper in his hand, visibly nervous, and said it was for me. He had written that he would love to invite me out. I said yes, and we went out the next day.

 

At first, his looks caught my attention. But neither of us expected how much we had in common. It felt like meeting a male version of myself, almost like a mirror. We both paint, love the same horror movies, listen to the same music, and the chemistry between us felt intoxicating. On our second date, we kissed for hours without it leading to sex – just music playing in the background, long eye contact, and this feeling of deep intimacy. It felt surprisingly emotional and safe so quickly.

 

We built a strong sense of closeness and safety with each other. I’ve never met a man who shares the same love language as me. He is affectionate, holds me, and surprises me with small, personal, thoughtful gifts that actually mean something. He makes me feel easy to love. We both love traveling, and quite spontaneously we went to Prague together. The weekend felt natural and light, almost cinematic – standing in the metro sharing his music through one pair of headphones, looking at each other like we were in a movie. I felt like we wanted each other equally, and for once, I didn’t feel anxious or worried.

 

He then had to go on a business trip to LA and invited me to join him, but I couldn’t because of work. After that, he was going back to his home country for Christmas. So after only two months of seeing each other, we were facing being apart for about six weeks.

 

Before he left, he sent me this message:

 

“It’s too bad there is no time. Actually, I did want to talk to you. You know when we went to Prague I briefly talked about having a bad year and a bad breakup, etc., and I would just like to tell you more about it. I don’t want to scare you at all – just since we are getting closer to each other, I want to open up a bit more and be transparent. That’s all. But I’d prefer to do that face to face. It’s important to me that there is no miscommunication, and that can quickly happen through text. Again, it sounds serious, it’s not, but I want to make sure to be transparent with you and share what has been going on emotionally in my life before I met you.”

Around the same time, there was a smaller but uncomfortable episode that also stuck with me. He got an eye infection and joked that it must have come from going down on me, even though I had no symptoms and there was no medical reason for that conclusion. When I tried to explain that eye infections can come from many everyday sources and that it felt uncomfortable to have my body indirectly blamed, he continued to joke about it instead of really acknowledging how it made me feel. It might sound minor, but it left me feeling a bit objectified and not fully respected in that moment.

When we finally saw each other again after six weeks, we were both excited like kids. We had bought Christmas gifts for each other. Coincidentally, we had both bought each other movie posters. I gave him a bracelet, which he put on immediately and even wore to a job interview. He calls me “Tinkerbell” because I’m very petite, and he had bought me a necklace with her, which I found really sweet.

The next day, while walking in the forest, he opened up. He told me about two long relationships: one of seven years with a partner who was very depressed and whom he took care of, and another of two years where they lived together. Both relationships were open. He said he doesn’t believe he can be in a monogamous relationship and that he can’t see an attractive woman without wanting to sleep with her. He joked about it in a casual way, and although I laughed along in the moment, something heavy started to build inside me.

He told me he wasn’t ready to give “us” a label and that he still wanted the option to sleep with other people. He also said that even if we became official one day, this would likely still be something he would want.

When we got back home that day, I couldn’t hold back my tears anymore. I opened up about my ex and about the abortion I went through, so he could understand how deeply I long for stability, commitment, and the possibility of having a family one day. He was kind and comforting in that moment. But I didn’t sleep that night.

 

The next day, I told him we needed to talk about all of this. I told him I wished he had shared his views on non-monogamy much earlier – on the first date, the second date, or even in a message before he left for so long. By then, I was already emotionally invested. And even though I was really starting to fall for him, I didn’t see the point in continuing to see each other if we ultimately want very different things in life and in relationships.

 

He started crying and said the thought of losing me hurt him. He said he didn’t expect to meet someone like me and that being with me had made him question his “rules.” He said he is usually lonely even when he is with other people, but that he never feels lonely with me. He said he sleeps best when I’m lying next to him. And I felt the same – waking up in someone’s arms felt safe and grounding.

 

We agreed that we both needed time to think.

 

The following week, we saw each other again, and everything still felt wonderful between us. He told me he had mentioned me to his colleagues, and one of them had even joked that he should marry me because I seemed so sweet. He then asked me about my preferences in rings, which emotionally confused me.

 

Later, we agreed to take a pause. I told him I don’t want to change him, and that I don’t think he would be happy suppressing his needs, only for it to resurface later in a relationship. At the same time, I know I wouldn’t be happy in an open relationship or in something where he agrees to monogamy just for my sake, only for me to get hurt later when we’re deeply in love.

 

Since we agreed to take this pause, he has still been reaching out in ways that confuse me emotionally. He told me he has ordered a small gift for me “so that I won’t forget him.” He has also talked about our plans to go to Italy being moved to next year and told me that I should save some of my vacation days for later this year so we can travel together. He has invited me to join him on a trip to New York and even said that if I went with him, he would “fall completely in love” with me.

 

This is what leaves me deeply confused: on one hand, he says he isn’t ready for a committed, monogamous relationship and wants the option to be with others. On the other hand, he talks about future trips, shared plans, and expresses very intense feelings toward me. It feels like mixed signals, and I don’t know how to emotionally place myself in that dynamic.

 

The idea that he feels a strong need to be with other women scares me. I’m afraid that even if he one day chooses me and says he wants to be with me, it might just be a matter of time before those urges return – especially when everyday life sets in.

 

He told me I am “not the type you just date, but the type you marry.” He said he has never been sure about children before, but that with me he could suddenly see everything. We were both very emotional. He appreciated that I was understanding and told me that there is nothing “wrong” with him. I told him I value that he wants to work on himself and even talk to a psychologist about this. We agreed not to rush into anything and to let it take the time it needs.

 

Still, everything in me wants to continue, to hope that I might be “enough,” because we feel so incredibly compatible and connected. At the same time, I’m trying to stay realistic and honor my own boundaries. I’m proud of myself for stating them clearly and early, but I’m still deeply conflicted.

 

He brought color back into my life. With him, I feel extremely safe and loved, and I can be 100% myself – my weird, creative, emotional self – and he meets me there. But I do not want a future where we meet in swinger clubs, swap partners, or where he says: “If I meet a beautiful woman in a bar and we flirt, I want to follow that through.” I told him that of course I experience desire too, but if there is someone at home who loves me and trusts me, then I choose to say no.

 

So my question is:

Do you think people like this can truly change their core needs around monogamy? Or is it more realistic – and healthier for me – to walk away now before I get even more emotionally attached and eventually hurt?

 

Any honest advice or similar experiences would mean a lot to me. Thank you for reading.

[ExpatInItaly]

38 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

With him, I feel extremely safe and loved

I would really urge you think hard about what your definition of "safe" is. You have mentioned this several times yet I see this man are really emotionally unsafe for you. He kept a big part of who he really is from you until just recently, and has been pretty plain in telling you he wants to be able to have sex with other women should the occasion arise. What about that is safe, exactly? 

My read is this: he knew exactly what he was doing in getting you to fall for him and intentionally didn't say anything utnil he had you where he wanted you, which was where you are now - available to him and still offering the perks of a relationship, but with the knowledge that he isn't monogamous. You're already very into him, he knows it, and wants to continue to keep you around at his convenience, despite knowing how much it hurts and confuses you. 

In other words? This guy is smooth and I don't think you quite see that yet. I know a man just like him, and your guy has ripped a page right out of the playbook here. I think he is fond of you, yes, but I also think he sensed your big blind spot and plays right into it: sweet words, vague references to marriage and kids, but with the serious disclaimer that he's non-monogamous so you can't get upset if you find out he is dating or having sex with other women because, well, he warned you what he is like. I would actually almost bet the farm he was with someone else during the holidays when you were apart and he realized he needed to be more honest. 

49 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

Do you think people like this can truly change their core needs around monogamy?

I don't think he wants to change this, so no, I  would absolutely not hold your breath that it will happen. I don't fault hiim for being non-monogamous, to be clear. Plenty of people are not. Where I fault hin is not being honest about this a lot earlier and continuing to tug on your heart strings knowing you are upset. It's the latter that tells me this is  not a great guy. 

The man I know who is like this? He has left a trail of women just like you in his wake. Women who think he is going to change, wants to chamge, is trying to change..until they find out he's been out all night with someone else. I have known this man since we were kids, and all his adult life he has been this way.  He's nearly 50 now. The way you describe your man is remarkably similar. 

When it comes down to it, you are fundamentally incompatible where it really counts. If you want a healthy, thriving and truly safe and secure relationship, honey, this is not where you will find it. Walk away now before your heart and self-worth get blown to smithereens. 

[ShyViolet]

5 hours ago, Anonymous said:

Do you think people like this can truly change their core needs around monogamy? Or is it more realistic – and healthier for me – to walk away now before I get even more emotionally attached and eventually hurt?

People don't usually change.  And you never, ever start a relationship with someone hoping that they will change.  You look at who they ARE and ask yourself if that is a person you are compatible with.  He was honest with you and told you that he isn't built for monogamy.  Listen to what he has told you.  If you got into a relationship with him, it's very naive to think those tendencies wouldn't come out.  It sounds like he won't let you go and is still pursuing you because he's infatuated with you.  He's being selfish right now, playing with your emotions when he KNOWS that he is not built for monogamy.  If you got into a relationship with him, this exciting honeymoon stage wouldn't last forever.  Once it wore off, his passion for being with other people would be right there waiting.  You should not waste your time with this.  If you know that you want monogamy, this isn't the guy for you.

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Anonymous said:

Do you think people like this can truly change their core needs around monogamy?

They can if they really want to.

The man you’re talking about does not want to be monogamous. He clearly told you that.

You can’t hope to change him just because you want him to be exclusive with you. He is what he is.

I don’t blame him for being polygamous, but I think he should have shared that with you earlier and backed off the moment you said you had different views. Instead, he continues to play with your emotions, creating a false sense of security.

 

6 hours ago, Anonymous said:

Or is it more realistic – and healthier for me – to walk away now before I get even more emotionally attached and eventually hurt?

Of course.

[Marvin R Zambrano]

9 hours ago, Anonymous said:

Hi everyone. I’m 32F and the man I’m seeing is also 32. I’m looking for some outside perspective because I feel very emotionally torn and don’t trust my own judgment right now.

 

I work as a receptionist at a hotel. Not long ago, I came out of a narcissistic relationship that left me deeply heartbroken. We had agreed on building a family together, and I ended up having an abortion after he suddenly changed his mind. That whole experience shattered something in me – especially the part of me that longed to become a mother one day. That’s a story in itself, but it’s important context for where I’m emotionally.

 

One evening at work, a man came down to the reception. I had noticed him before – honestly, everyone had. He was striking: sparkling blue eyes, dark features, and a genuinely beautiful face. We started talking, and later that evening he came back with a small piece of paper in his hand, visibly nervous, and said it was for me. He had written that he would love to invite me out. I said yes, and we went out the next day.

 

At first, his looks caught my attention. But neither of us expected how much we had in common. It felt like meeting a male version of myself, almost like a mirror. We both paint, love the same horror movies, listen to the same music, and the chemistry between us felt intoxicating. On our second date, we kissed for hours without it leading to sex – just music playing in the background, long eye contact, and this feeling of deep intimacy. It felt surprisingly emotional and safe so quickly.

 

We built a strong sense of closeness and safety with each other. I’ve never met a man who shares the same love language as me. He is affectionate, holds me, and surprises me with small, personal, thoughtful gifts that actually mean something. He makes me feel easy to love. We both love traveling, and quite spontaneously we went to Prague together. The weekend felt natural and light, almost cinematic – standing in the metro sharing his music through one pair of headphones, looking at each other like we were in a movie. I felt like we wanted each other equally, and for once, I didn’t feel anxious or worried.

 

He then had to go on a business trip to LA and invited me to join him, but I couldn’t because of work. After that, he was going back to his home country for Christmas. So after only two months of seeing each other, we were facing being apart for about six weeks.

 

Before he left, he sent me this message:

 

“It’s too bad there is no time. Actually, I did want to talk to you. You know when we went to Prague I briefly talked about having a bad year and a bad breakup, etc., and I would just like to tell you more about it. I don’t want to scare you at all – just since we are getting closer to each other, I want to open up a bit more and be transparent. That’s all. But I’d prefer to do that face to face. It’s important to me that there is no miscommunication, and that can quickly happen through text. Again, it sounds serious, it’s not, but I want to make sure to be transparent with you and share what has been going on emotionally in my life before I met you.”

Around the same time, there was a smaller but uncomfortable episode that also stuck with me. He got an eye infection and joked that it must have come from going down on me, even though I had no symptoms and there was no medical reason for that conclusion. When I tried to explain that eye infections can come from many everyday sources and that it felt uncomfortable to have my body indirectly blamed, he continued to joke about it instead of really acknowledging how it made me feel. It might sound minor, but it left me feeling a bit objectified and not fully respected in that moment.

When we finally saw each other again after six weeks, we were both excited like kids. We had bought Christmas gifts for each other. Coincidentally, we had both bought each other movie posters. I gave him a bracelet, which he put on immediately and even wore to a job interview. He calls me “Tinkerbell” because I’m very petite, and he had bought me a necklace with her, which I found really sweet.

The next day, while walking in the forest, he opened up. He told me about two long relationships: one of seven years with a partner who was very depressed and whom he took care of, and another of two years where they lived together. Both relationships were open. He said he doesn’t believe he can be in a monogamous relationship and that he can’t see an attractive woman without wanting to sleep with her. He joked about it in a casual way, and although I laughed along in the moment, something heavy started to build inside me.

He told me he wasn’t ready to give “us” a label and that he still wanted the option to sleep with other people. He also said that even if we became official one day, this would likely still be something he would want.

When we got back home that day, I couldn’t hold back my tears anymore. I opened up about my ex and about the abortion I went through, so he could understand how deeply I long for stability, commitment, and the possibility of having a family one day. He was kind and comforting in that moment. But I didn’t sleep that night.

 

The next day, I told him we needed to talk about all of this. I told him I wished he had shared his views on non-monogamy much earlier – on the first date, the second date, or even in a message before he left for so long. By then, I was already emotionally invested. And even though I was really starting to fall for him, I didn’t see the point in continuing to see each other if we ultimately want very different things in life and in relationships.

 

He started crying and said the thought of losing me hurt him. He said he didn’t expect to meet someone like me and that being with me had made him question his “rules.” He said he is usually lonely even when he is with other people, but that he never feels lonely with me. He said he sleeps best when I’m lying next to him. And I felt the same – waking up in someone’s arms felt safe and grounding.

 

We agreed that we both needed time to think.

 

The following week, we saw each other again, and everything still felt wonderful between us. He told me he had mentioned me to his colleagues, and one of them had even joked that he should marry me because I seemed so sweet. He then asked me about my preferences in rings, which emotionally confused me.

 

Later, we agreed to take a pause. I told him I don’t want to change him, and that I don’t think he would be happy suppressing his needs, only for it to resurface later in a relationship. At the same time, I know I wouldn’t be happy in an open relationship or in something where he agrees to monogamy just for my sake, only for me to get hurt later when we’re deeply in love.

 

Since we agreed to take this pause, he has still been reaching out in ways that confuse me emotionally. He told me he has ordered a small gift for me “so that I won’t forget him.” He has also talked about our plans to go to Italy being moved to next year and told me that I should save some of my vacation days for later this year so we can travel together. He has invited me to join him on a trip to New York and even said that if I went with him, he would “fall completely in love” with me.

 

This is what leaves me deeply confused: on one hand, he says he isn’t ready for a committed, monogamous relationship and wants the option to be with others. On the other hand, he talks about future trips, shared plans, and expresses very intense feelings toward me. It feels like mixed signals, and I don’t know how to emotionally place myself in that dynamic.

 

The idea that he feels a strong need to be with other women scares me. I’m afraid that even if he one day chooses me and says he wants to be with me, it might just be a matter of time before those urges return – especially when everyday life sets in.

 

He told me I am “not the type you just date, but the type you marry.” He said he has never been sure about children before, but that with me he could suddenly see everything. We were both very emotional. He appreciated that I was understanding and told me that there is nothing “wrong” with him. I told him I value that he wants to work on himself and even talk to a psychologist about this. We agreed not to rush into anything and to let it take the time it needs.

 

Still, everything in me wants to continue, to hope that I might be “enough,” because we feel so incredibly compatible and connected. At the same time, I’m trying to stay realistic and honor my own boundaries. I’m proud of myself for stating them clearly and early, but I’m still deeply conflicted.

 

He brought color back into my life. With him, I feel extremely safe and loved, and I can be 100% myself – my weird, creative, emotional self – and he meets me there. But I do not want a future where we meet in swinger clubs, swap partners, or where he says: “If I meet a beautiful woman in a bar and we flirt, I want to follow that through.” I told him that of course I experience desire too, but if there is someone at home who loves me and trusts me, then I choose to say no.

 

So my question is:

Do you think people like this can truly change their core needs around monogamy? Or is it more realistic – and healthier for me – to walk away now before I get even more emotionally attached and eventually hurt?

 

Any honest advice or similar experiences would mean a lot to me. Thank you for reading.

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[Sanch62]

He's covered his bases with a warning. Now he can freely plow forward knowing that if you still choose to stick around, he can always do whatever (and whomever) he wants and just say, "Look, I told you the truth. I never promised I'd be faithful."