Is uncertainty worse than the truth in relationships?

[Stacey Barnes]

I’m a 29M and recently came out of a long-term relationship. Something I keep reflecting on is how the hardest part wasn’t even what may or may not have happened — it was the uncertainty.

That constant feeling something might be wrong, but not having clarity… it slowly drains your peace, your focus, even your sense of self.

Some people say trust blindly. Others say walk away. But I wonder — is not knowing actually the hardest part?

For those who’ve been through this, did finding the truth (even if painful) bring peace? Or did uncertainty linger either way?

I’m genuinely curious how others deal with this mentally and emotionally.

[Gebidozo]

Not knowing what? Truth about what?

Unless you provide some details about what happened we can’t say whether trusting or walking away was the best solution in your case.

[Sanch62]

10 hours ago, Stacey Barnes said:

Some people say trust blindly. Others say walk away. But I wonder — is not knowing actually the hardest part?

I've never heard anyone advise that blindness and trust somehow go together for any kind of successful outcome. While I've seen lots of suggestions to walk away, they've each addressed a specific context, which you haven't given. If you'd care to elaborate, maybe we can be of more help in that sense.

In cases where a relationship is not open and intimate enough for honest communication, which can discuss care and concern between partners who view themselves as being on the same side, rather than as suspicious adversaries who lapse into accusatory confrontations, then that alone speaks of an unhealthy dynamic that doesn't serve anyone.

Either a relationship can meet your needs and desires for a shared future, or it cannot. If you find yourself unable to communicate with a partner in ways that help you determine this, then that fact alone tells you your answer, regardless of how trust-worthy a given partner might actually be.

Edited Friday at 03:26 PM by Sanch62

[ShyViolet]

Why did you have a constant feeling that something was wrong in your relationship?

[Herkamer63]

On 2/5/2026 at 11:32 PM, Stacey Barnes said:

I’m a 29M and recently came out of a long-term relationship. Something I keep reflecting on is how the hardest part wasn’t even what may or may not have happened — it was the uncertainty.

That constant feeling something might be wrong, but not having clarity… it slowly drains your peace, your focus, even your sense of self.

Some people say trust blindly. Others say walk away. But I wonder — is not knowing actually the hardest part?

For those who’ve been through this, did finding the truth (even if painful) bring peace? Or did uncertainty linger either way?

I’m genuinely curious how others deal with this mentally and emotionally.

I think I know what you're talking about. Let me give my take with some examples, and feel free to disagree:

I'm not married, no kids, no woman in my life. I'm a 39 y/o man (turning 40 in April). I haven't been in any serious relationship, per se, although, I have gone out with women I thought was going somewhere with. Now, for me, the toughest part for me was the uncertainty, not knowing whether or not a woman likes you the same way you like them. You know what's in your heart, but not whoever the woman is at the time. It drove me nuts because anytime I would think something was going to happen, it was always followed up by uncertainty because the lack of communication and action at times, while others it looks like they want you (when in reality, they're just being flirty but not serious). Probably the worst part of it was I would think about the woman at the time often. Because of the uncertainty, it made me wonder not just whether or not if she wanted me but also what life would be like with her and not, in my mind, screwing it up.

One example was a woman back during the year of the CVD-19 lockdowns when some regulations were being lifted. Long story on her, but this was the first of the closest to a serious relationship. She lost her brother and her ex-fiance the same year. In the end, it never worked out between us. But I always took her out, we had fun, talked for hours on end, and shared closest thoughts with one and other. She had a tough way to go growing up and even throughout her earlier adulthood. We shared quite a bit in common, and our families knew each other well. I was thinking, at the time, that she might be able to turn around on being down and we'd be official. We were making plans on doing stuff together, as well. The one thing I thought was how she would interact with my family and friends. We got along well, and her sister and brother in-law are now friends of mine, so I really thought we were going somewhere. The uncertainty kicked in when she ghosted me. I had no idea what was going on and rationalized it to her being depressed over her deceased brother, but it ultimately came down to her missing her ex-fiance, who she said was an awful person. Found out, though, she had the guy's number on her phone, even though it had been over 5 years since they had broke off the engagement. But I didn't know this for certain until over a year later when her sister told me that was the case, so during the time she ghosted me, I simply thought it was something more understandable. It wasn't, and it was revealed to me after this woman called it off with me after I got back from vacation. Drove me nuts because I thought that, maybe, she actually was becoming my girlfriend in its own strange way and just didn't know it yet. Obviously wasn't true, but even still, the uncertainty made me feel so uncomfortable.

The next woman actually displayed more signs of interest in the Summer of 2021. She was older but not by much and much more responsive. I met her at a ballroom studio just short of an hour of where I lived. I was trying to get my mind off of the last woman and wanted to do something new, so, before the lockdowns in 2020 happened, my parents suggested to check out ballroom dance because they were doing it socially. I did and enjoyed it, and I've been doing since then with a studio ran by 2 professionals (I compete and showcase, on top of doing it socially). Anyway, to make another long story short, she seemingly expressed a lot of interest in me. We danced a lot together, hung out, and eventually I did go out with her. Like the last woman, I thought we were going somewhere, but ultimately didn't. Of course, like the last woman, there were some uncertainties. Now, we were friends to start but something seemed like it grew. However, there were times whenever we decided to meet up, she'd flake on me. More times than that, though, she hung out and did more than the last woman. When we met, she was seeing the head of the studio and looking to get out of the relationship because the owner wasn't a good person at all. Even still, because of the seeming interest in me, it was uncertain because how do I know if I was being played? Not only that, her flirtatious nature. Made seem like she wanted me. There was one time when she had shown me a pic of herself without her top and putting herself on me on several times. The greatest uncertainty came when other men were chasing her, including a friend of mine who was developing feelings for her. In the end, I had to get out of it because it was becoming too much of a question mark for me to bear, and she ended up with another man (which didn't last anymore than 2 years). In this instance the truth, although disappointing, was much better and I started to feel better, while the uncertainty was not healthy at all.

The last example is a woman who I liked the most, and still friends with, although it's not quite the same. She's nice, like me, very pretty, and outgoing. Like the first woman in this post, I got along great with her sister and brother in-law, as well as the rest of her family. We did a lot together, never really had times where she flaked, and got to share a lot more personal stuff. Once again, long story short, we did things together for 2 years, met at the same time as woman number 2 (same dance studio), so we knew each other very well. In the first half of 2024, though, family problems had came up. I couldn't say if it ultimately was the reason why we didn't work out, but but before Summer started, she revealed we were not going to work out. Later on during the Summer, a mutual friend said she got a boyfriend. I didn't believe it at first because she had not have a bf since 3 years prior. She gone out with dudes before we considered each other, but nothing serious. More like dudes that wanted the physical part but nothing of substance. But, later on, out of the blue, I met the boyfriend. Heart broken twice. The uncertainty in situation wasn't whether or not she had a boyfriend, but, at the time, when we were going to be official. I liked her a lot, and she seemingly liked me the same way. We shared a lot in common, had a lot of fun together, invited each other to certain family events, shared a lot of private thoughts with each other, so the question became when, not if, at the time. There were even people who thought we were together, and she kissed me during her birthday. She was practically everything I wanted in a woman, but I couldn't understand the hold up. Was it going to be weird for her to have others see us together? Was she afraid that I might end up being like her ex-boyfriend? What was the fear that she may have had? This was probably not only the most uncertain I was but also frustrated because it felt like I was close to having a serious relationship with the ideal woman. But, like the others, the truth came out and it wasn't meant to be. Driven home twice heart broken, once after she told me we were not happening and the night I met her boyfriend. I had never felt like that in quite some time.

After the last woman told me she wasn't interested, a friend of mine was trying to hook me up with a lady friend of hers. I tried, but I just was not into her at all, and since then, I made it a choice just to remain single. There were others trying to hook me up with women they knew, but I just didn't want to go through it anymore. Not because of the fact that there aren't many women that are into me. I can accept that simple fact. I'm just a simple, average man, nothing special to look at, so I have no question at all on that. Rather, it's the uncertainty of a woman who may like me more than just a friend. That's what I'm more concerned about. I've been burned so many times in the past, ending up with heart ache or a broken heart, all because I'm wasn't even sure whether or not the women of the past even liked me or not. I got myself all worked up due to me thinking whether or not something is going to happen. There's a woman that goes to my dance studio who seems very much like the last woman I really liked. She's single, share many of the same beliefs, and we get along good, but that doesn't mean she likes me in that way. I've walked down this path so many times, and each time I do, it seems like I get closer, but when it seems like the closer I get, the more hurt I go through. The truth, although not the most attractive at times, is always better than uncertainty. I would much rather know up front if someone likes me or not rather than guess, especially with women I like. I'm just concluding if there are any that I do like, I'm assuming they're not interested. It's been the story of my life in this regard, so far, and it doesn't look like it's going to change any time soon. I'm not trying to be a downer because, overall, life's been good, but me with a wife and kids in the future, I don't see it happening. That's how many other men feel, too. It's just tough right now, and the last thing we want is uncertainty with the women we like. That's my answer, and I hope this helps bring a better idea on what you'd rather choose over the other.

[Acacia98]

10 hours ago, Herkamer63 said:

There's a woman that goes to my dance studio who seems very much like the last woman I really liked. She's single, share many of the same beliefs, and we get along good, but that doesn't mean she likes me in that way. I've walked down this path so many times, and each time I do, it seems like I get closer, but when it seems like the closer I get, the more hurt I go through. The truth, although not the most attractive at times, is always better than uncertainty. I would much rather know up front if someone likes me or not rather than guess, especially with women I like. I'm just concluding if there are any that I do like, I'm assuming they're not interested. It's been the story of my life in this regard, so far, and it doesn't look like it's going to change any time soon. I'm not trying to be a downer because, overall, life's been good, but me with a wife and kids in the future, I don't see it happening. That's how many other men feel, too. It's just tough right now, and the last thing we want is uncertainty with the women we like. That's my answer, and I hope this helps bring a better idea on what you'd rather choose over the other.

Sorry about your experiences. OP is silent, so I'm not sure if they're identical to his/hers. But I will respond to you and hope that my response will also be relevant to OP.

I can't help wondering if dating women who were still hung up on their exes was part of the reason for the challenges. It's not a good sign if the person is using a dalliance with you to end things with someone else or if they broke up with someone else recently. Ideally, you should date women who have been single for some time and have gone through the process of mourning the relationship and moving on completely from it.

I also wonder (and this might be applicable to OP) how long you think it should take for seeing someone to transition into an actual relationship. If it's a long time, then you need to do yourself a favor and stop seeing these women if a long time has passed and you're not yet in a relationship.