Boyfriend used to do gay porn

[Candiee]

We’ve been together for 2 years. I just found out he used to do gay porn like 4 years ago. He never told me about it. I’m having a hard time kissing him now because I saw a video of him doing something that really makes me feel like it’s gross to kiss him. I saw him giving a rimjob to a guy and I couldn’t watch anymore. Someone he knows told me about it and sent me a link and that’s how I found it. I don’t know what to do now. I feel so down because of this and I feel like everything is a lie 

[Gebidozo]

Are you upset because of the fact he used to do porn or because he didn’t tell you about it?

I understand that it’s very unpleasant to discover something like this after two years of relationship. That’s why I’m a big believer in complete honesty and transparency between partners regarding one’s own past.

That said, try to see it his way. He is probably ashamed of having done porn. You don’t know what caused him to choose to do that in the past. He hid that fact precisely because he knew you’d react this way.

If he has never cheated on you and everything else in your relationship is great, maybe it would be wise to not let the past destroy it?

As for you being disgusted when watching his porn clip, I dare say many people would be disgusted watching any video of their partner having sex with another person.

Would you feel better if you saw a video of him having passionate, loving sex with his ex-girlfriend? 

 

[Candiee]

A little of both but more the fact he didn’t tell me. I would still feel like that if I saw a video of him and his ex girlfriend. I don’t know why he did it and I am trying not to let it ruin anything 

[Gebidozo]

You should definitely talk to him about that. Just try not to sound disgusted or accusatory.

When you started the relationship, did you both agree to tell each other everything? Did you tell him everything about your past?

It’s unfortunate that he chose to hide that from you, but some people with a wild sexual past do that because they think their partner wouldn’t be able to handle the truth.

[Candiee]

35 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

You should definitely talk to him about that. Just try not to sound disgusted or accusatory.

When you started the relationship, did you both agree to tell each other everything? Did you tell him everything about your past?

It’s unfortunate that he chose to hide that from you, but some people with a wild sexual past do that because they think their partner wouldn’t be able to handle the truth.

Yes we did that’s why I’m so upset. I told him mostly everything but not everything. I’ll talk to him about it

[Gebidozo]

6 minutes ago, Candiee said:

I told him mostly everything but not everything.

Well then, maybe whatever compelled you to not tell your boyfriend everything is the same thing that made him hide details from his own past as well.

Think why you haven’t disclosed everything to him, and maybe you’ll understand him better.

[Candiee]

9 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Well then, maybe whatever compelled you to not tell your boyfriend everything is the same thing that made him hide details from his own past as well.

Think why you haven’t disclosed everything to him, and maybe you’ll understand him better.

Some of it I didn’t find important enough to disclose. I understand why he didn’t want to tell me but still

[ExpatInItaly]

I would not be comfortable with my partner keeping such a significant secret from me, either. It's a fairly serious lie of omission. 

I am wondering what motivated this other person to share this with you. Who is this person?