togetmetoyou Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 A confused heart. Please help. I'm 25, he's 27. Can I win him back? I can't move on. Thank you! Hi everyone! My ex & I dated off & on for about six years, w. him breaking up w. me often, stating my smothering him or wanting too much of a relationship. We were engaged at the midpoint of relationship for about a month, after which he broke it off & broke up for a month or so. We kept dating off & on after the engagement was off. We moved in together toward the end of the relationship. He moved out, changing his mind again, saying he didn't see a future w. me. We got back together for a while, living in our respective separate homes. At the end of our relationship, I found some items in his apartment that belonged to another woman, like razors, shampoo, tampons. I confronted him & he said he was letting a girl temporarily live w. him since her boyfriend beat her up. I didn't buy it, & for the first time in our relationship, I broke up with him. After a month or so, he started begging me back, wanting to work things out (crying, writing contracts and promises). I didn't take him back, although he tried repeatedly for 8 months. I told him I still loved him, but I was afraid to be w. him for different reasons. We kept in contact this whole past year we've been broken up. I started dating someone else a few months ago, but I just don't feel the same about him as I do about my ex. I know I still love him, but I kind of love this new guy too. And he's so much better to me. I keep thinking of my ex & now I'm the one begging him back & he won't come back to me. Says he still loves me but he can't be with me because I waited too long & it's too little too late. He says he's dating someone else (a new girlfriend). He found out that I had a boyfriend I didn't tell him about while he was tryingn to get back together with me. He said I lied to him and now he can move on with this other girl and we are over, maybe for a few years, and I need to get over it and we shouldn't talk anymore. But before he knew about my boyfriend, he told me just less than a month ago that I was his one and only love and that he can't forget that he loves me and no woman turns him on as much as I do and that I'm still his world & he still loves me. I'm so confused & so afraid I've made a big mistake by taking this breakup too far. He was so hurt by my breaking up with him. He told his parents, went to therapy, begged & begged, to no avail. Now he seems over it & doesn't want me anymore. He had asked me to marry him again just 4 months ago. He says that was then, not now, & he doesn't need me anymore & it's impossible for us to get back together. He tells me to let it go & move on. Please help! I've tried to move on, including dating someone else seriously. Is it really over? I don't want to let it go, & I'm afraid he wants this new girl (she's v. pretty) & he's done w. me. How should I act to win him back? I know he still loves me, but he seems determined to be over me. Also, we were still sexually involved once in a while up to a month ago. HELP!! Is this the end for us this time? Any comforting opinions?
slubberdegullion Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 I'm afraid my opinion won't be particularly comforting. You broke up with him, he tried to get back, you rebuffed him, so he moved on with his life. Turn it around, just to clarify: If he broke up with you, and you tried and tried and tried to get back with him, he rejected you, then months later changed his mind, how would you feel? Sorry to say, but it seems to me that it's over.
cygny Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 he was cheating on you, that's my take on the original problem, yes? i don't buy his excuse. i know it seems like you really love him, but by staying sexually involved with him these past months you never really gave yourself a fair chance to get over him. a good part of the feelings you have for him now are just jealousy. you don't want someone else to have him. he is also just reeking some revenge on you for turning him down and having a new boyfriend. his ego was hurt. try to separate feelings of true love from jealousy, revenge, ego trips etc. if you look at this thing with a clear head, you may see that although you are still fond of him, he wasn't a good guy for you. this is one case where i'd listen to your head and not your heart. ok that was my REAL opinion. ----here is my COMFORTING opinion- yes you can win him back. you will have to assuage his ego and suck up to him a little. apologizing, begging , saying sorry etc. then turn around and act a little frustrated and mad when he won't take you back. then pretend like you are going on with your life and go out with someone else. play this game until he, like you, feels the jealousy and loss.
skeptik224 Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 I'm not a therapist of any sort, but I'd venture to say that this on/off again relationship will keep continuing. It seems that when each of you pulls back, the other one comes forward. It's not emotionally healthy to keep going on like this. A friend of mine has been going through this for about 6 years. Finally, it took one of them to realize what was going on. The other people that either of you were involved with were only there to occupy time. It seems though that he's finally moved on. The human heart can only take so much. It can only go through this pull/push thing so much. It's karma in a sense. This is exactly why I don't agree with playing any games. this was an unintentional game that was played and someone finally got hurt enough to move on - him. Now, unfortunately, you are left to sort through everything. The fact that this girl is pretty is irrevelant. He's trying to move on with his life. He's finally realized that he needed to let go. You need to do the same. If the 2 of you were to get back together again, it'd be the same, unhealthy situation. It sucks, it really does. I know how hurt you are, but you need to let him go. You can only ride the emotional roller coaster so long before someone has to get off. I'm sorry, I'm truly sorry. I suggest if you really love him, you'll leave him alone. Better yet, if you love yourself, you'll start to work on you. Maybe it's not him that you love after all. Maybe it's the drama. (that's not an insult in any way) I think you need to take a serious look at what's going on inside you. I suggest maybe a therapist - to help you sort things out. (friends can only do so much) I just started therapy last night, and it's amazing. I also would recommend - as silly as this is - to try meditating. I could NEVER relax my mind. It was constantly running a million thoughts a minute. You need to breath...and realize that he may not really be the person that you want in the first place. When games are played, the first player always loses.
Author togetmetoyou Posted January 18, 2006 Author Posted January 18, 2006 But... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If he was telling me he loved me and I'm the only thing on his mind until he found out about my boyfriend, isn't he just hurt and trying to get revenge by telling me he has a girlfriend now? I think it's weird that just a month ago he asked me if we were ever going to get back together, and I said I was sure we would. Last time we talked he said maybe we'll be together again, if our paths cross, some years ahead. Around Christmas, he sent me this text message: "Merry Christmas to that special girl, the special girl who was once my world... I still love you very much, and tonight, it's very hard to forget that..." I have not contacted him since the last time we talked, and I haven't heard from him either. I KNOW HE STILL LOVES ME, but I think he wants to move on, or has moved on. How can I turn that around? With time and no contact? I at least want to have him in my life as a friend some day. I'm so afraid it's too late! I only broke up with him because I thought he'd eventually want me back. He had hurt me really bad through our relationship, and I wanted him to see what it would be like without me. I wasn't expecting that I would get another boyfriend or that things would go this far and he'd give up on us. Despite everything, I still love him deeply, but there is a lot of power struggle and game-playing going on. We still had some very serious love between us, in spite of everything wrong with it.
slubberdegullion Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 See, this is where the difference between love as a feeling and love as a decision is most clearly defined. He may FEEL love for you, but he hasn't made the DECISION to love you. While related, they are distinct parts of the equation. And if you want him back in your life "as a friend," I'm afraid you'll be disappointed. I have never - and I do mean never - seen it work.
skeptik224 Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 See, you admit that you played a game. Stop it. You need to. I do believe you can be friends at some point, but NOT NOW. If you try to be his friend now, you are continuing playing the game because you aren't over him. You need to do NC to get your emotions under control and gain some clarity in the situation...not to get him back. I'm sure he does love you...you can't just turn those emotions off. He's giving you hope with saying that sometime down the line the paths may cross again. But...there is no guarantee. I'm sure he does want to move on because of the pain this situation is causing. That doesn't make him a bad person. I suggest you put some serious space between you guys....don't call him, don't e-mail him, nothing. Take some time for yourself and let him take the time for himself. Just because he's with someone now doesn't mean he's with her for the long haul. He could be using her to get over you. (as crappy as that is) Who knows. The point is that right now, the game has to stop.
Author togetmetoyou Posted January 18, 2006 Author Posted January 18, 2006 that there were games being played on both sides.. in the end I finally started playing games too to win the game, but I feel like I lost. I feel so guilty for not taking him back when he was telling me he was dying without me? I feel so sad. And now I'm so jealous of this other girl, who is so pretty, and I think he had a crush on her from years before when we were together and they worked together. It brings out all these insecurities in me. I hate thinking of them together. I guess I just wanted to see how far he'd go for me and how long he'd wait--- and I went too far out of fear of being with him and getting hurt again. He tried so hard for almost a year to get me back. We actually got back together for a few days at one point six months ago, and I ran into him on a date with another girl and I broke up with him again. And he tried again to win me back, saying he only went on a date with her because he thought I wasn't serious about us because I wouldn't move in with him and give him a cimmitment and marriage right away. It's so weird and complicated! I'd give so much right now to have him wanting to marry me again. I cannot move on, as much as I've tried. I feel like I made such a big mistake by not taking him back. What if I lost him to this other girl? I'm hurting so much. By the way, thank you so much for your replies. I really appreciate your time.
skeptik224 Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 Do you want him back because you seriously love him or because you think he's moved on? Once you figure that out - and are honest about it - then you'll be able to figure out your next step. I do think - in a way - that you should let him know exactly how you feel, though...I wouldn't do it verbally. It doesn't sound like you'd be able to keep your composure. After a week or so, I'd sit down and write a letter. Tell him that you were playing a game and you weren't being honest with him. Tell him you're sorry for the pain you've caused and want you want to get out "this." BUT....if you write a letter, make sure you keep in mind that there is a HUGE chance he won't respond or return the feelings/emotions. I'm not saying in any way that this will get him back, but I do think that this will eliminate some of the guilt you feel. (which in the long run will help you move on)
cygny Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 one thing you need to know---this guy was playing headgames with you and you were NOT wrong to let that go. the more you would have put up with it, the worse it would have got and it could have just gone on interminably. even now i sense that he knows he can jerk your emotions around the way he said that message on christmas.
Author togetmetoyou Posted January 18, 2006 Author Posted January 18, 2006 write e-mails telling him I'm so sorry and that I'd marry him, I've tried a lot of things, but he won't budge-- he keeps saying it's too late. I know he's really mad that I didn't take him back and that I had a boyfriend he didn't know about. Have I messed up beyond repair? We have both made mistakes, and I've apologized for mine, but maybe too little too late. I should just put my tail between my legs and walk away, right?
cygny Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 walk away with your head held high. he can't respect you or love you with your tail between your legs.
cygny Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 Do you want him back because you seriously love him or because you think he's moved on? Once you figure that out - and are honest about it - then you'll be able to figure out your next step. I do think - in a way - that you should let him know exactly how you feel, though...I wouldn't do it verbally. It doesn't sound like you'd be able to keep your composure. After a week or so, I'd sit down and write a letter. Tell him that you were playing a game and you weren't being honest with him. Tell him you're sorry for the pain you've caused and want you want to get out "this." BUT....if you write a letter, make sure you keep in mind that there is a HUGE chance he won't respond or return the feelings/emotions. I'm not saying in any way that this will get him back, but I do think that this will eliminate some of the guilt you feel. (which in the long run will help you move on) well i disagree. i tried this with a guy that i was in the same position with and he took advantage of it--he used it to humiliate me.
cygny Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 if you write him a letter tell him that all those years he was pushing you away and seeing other girls--you felt you could not trust him so that's why you couldn't get back with him. isn't that the truth?
skeptik224 Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 I can see why you'd disagree. However, if my ex were to la it all out there, I'd be appreciative of that. I guess it's situational. After knowing that you've already done that, I'd agree that it's time to walk away from this with your head held high. Yes, he played games, too...2 wrongs don't make it right, though. Nobody, I mean nobody is worth begging and pleading for. You deserve more than that. Walk away with self-esteem knowing that you did what you could to save the relationship. You can't make him forgive you or make him want to try again. I'd stay away from any contact and give yourself the time you need to heal. There are a lot of other guys out there who would never have played a game in the first place. Be strong...you'll get through this.
cygny Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 the point is---all those years she was with him he was causing HER pain. and the tampons---come on! i think he was cheating. now he's got her where he wants her---begging! sorry but that has been my experience and the humiliation is just not worth it.
skeptik224 Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 You're right...the humiliation isn't worth. She's worth more than that. I wasn't looking at the "cheating" possibilities but rather focusing on the games.
Author togetmetoyou Posted January 18, 2006 Author Posted January 18, 2006 what I'm getting from you all is that everything is beyond repair and I should just move on, that he doesn't want me anymore even though he loves me, and no amount of begging or no contact will bring him back, right? It is just too late, and there is nothing I can do about it anymore. So, how come I still feel like there is still some hope somewhere-- maybe becasue he wanted me so bad for so long not too long ago? I can't believe or accept that he would just give up after trying so hard. I guess we both need to move on with our lives and see what happens down the road. Maybe after we both have some no contact time apart in other relationships, we may grow out of hese games and be able to start over a little fresher, with a new perspective on things. I just hope he doesn't fall out of love with me and forget me in time. But I know I can't control what happens. However, I did order him some flowers for Valentine's Day with a note saying that even though we're apart, he'll always have my heart, and that I love him, always. I hope that gesture is okay, even if he does have a girlfriend. It hurts so much that he might have someone new. I can't get over that-- but even before I knew he had someone new, I still wanted him and loved him. Gosh, it seems like love never really works out right... I've just about given up on love. It always seems to be this "you want what you can't have" BS in all types of situations, not that that's what's going on with me. I wanted him when I had him and when I didn't, unconditionally. Sigh...
cygny Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 can you cancel the flowers? what about you???? girl you are seriously clingy. he told you no. sorry to be blunt but WHY are you giving yourself away like this? if you had been more self-respecting during your relationship, the games probably wouldn't have gotten this far. so the first time in your relationship where you stand up for yourself, THAT is when he was chasing you for a change. now you have already told him how you want him back and he is not budging. So, what actually worked? clinging doesn't work. walking away with your head held high worked. please, cancel the flowers and save your pride. that is all you have left...
skeptik224 Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 Please cancel the flowers. You are using it as a last ditch effort. Your clinging to him is pushing him away even further. You'll always have hope. Hope is something that's within our hearts. When we're ready to give up hope, we will. He wanted you when you were at your strongest...be that person again. Maybe in this situation it is "you want what you can't have" and that's the only thing keeping you from wanting him back. That's not fair to either of you. Love does work out...sometimes it's just not with the person we want at that moment. I'm a firm believer in true love... I believe my ex was the love of my life. That doesn't mean I'm giving up on love in general. Don't give up on love...how about loving yourself? Love yourself enough to walk away from this. Love yourself enough to realize that you deserve to the best. Once you learn to love yourself again - and not focus on him - positive things will come your way. It's taken me 4 months to learn that lesson... Once you let go of him in your heart, you'd be suprised at what comes about.
cygny Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 i think writing him the note about how he hurt you all those years and you couldn't trust him would be ok. say you still care about him but if he wants to move on with his life, you respect his decision and wish him well. then the ball is in his court. that satisfies your guilt and your need to try one last time while still putting the focus back on the issues of the relationship that are unresolved--and saving your pride... and if you two dropped the games and got back together then you would have to work on your clinginess, since that is what he was complaining about in the first place, while he would have to prove to you that he is serious about you and will not ever cheat again...
LN8840K Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 He found out that I had a boyfriend I didn't tell him about while he was tryingn to get back together with me. Ouch, no offense to you, I know you're hurting .....You did not tell him because you know that would have ended his chasing of you ......You tried to make him a back up boy, the guy has pride and you lost ....sorry, now it's time for you to have some pride and cancel the flower order. I know he's not totaly innocent in this, but there are some things for you to learn as well .....
Author togetmetoyou Posted January 18, 2006 Author Posted January 18, 2006 but I'm feeling worse now than I did before posting my story. I feel like breaking down even more becasue I feel there is absolutely no hope and I messed up really bad. I've forgiven him many times, can't he forgive me? I made a mistake and I shouldn't have strung him along-- but I really didn't think I would have met someone else. And then I couldn't bring myself to tell him because I didn't think it would last with the other guy, and I didn't want to hurt him even more by telling him I was dating someone else. I didn't think honesty would have been the best thing for either of us at that time. So I kept lying about it, even though we weren't together. I feel really bad about doing that, and I'm so scared he'll never speak to me again. I feel so bad, worse than before.
cygny Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 but guys...they were broken up! status of broken up means she wasn't cheating. they were not an item. she wasn't required to tell him anything. now if he asked her if she was seeing anyone else, and she lied, then i agree. he had cheated on her (most probably) and lied about it too. maybe his ego was hurt by this information but she wasn't obligated to stay monogamous while broken up.
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