How do I talk to my wife about wanting to feel more desired without pressuring her?

[SeekingPerspective]

My wife and I are in our mid-30s and have been together about 8 years. We have two young kids (5 and 2). The younger one still struggles with sleeping through the night, and we split bedtime and nighttime responsibilities between us. I work full-time in a high-stress job while she works part-time. The younger one just started daycare a month ago.

Over time I realize that one source of friction is how we experience desire. I tend to feel desire more spontaneously, while she seems to respond more once things are already in motion. She enjoys sex when we have it, but rarely initiates. Before kids, our sex life and physical affection felt easier and more frequent—sex about twice a week, daily cuddling, and affection that wasn’t always tied to sex.

Since our second child, I’ve tried to make sure I am supporting her and giving her enough time to be her own person. I want to be clear that I’m not listing these things as a transaction or expectation, just as context. I am not just watching sports while she is cooking dinner and raising our kids. I handle most meals, laundry, dishes, trash, planning date nights, arranging babysitters, and we do monthly “how are we doing” check-ins. We also try to continue with daily non-sexual affection, like kissing goodbye and offering compliments.

I’ve come to accept that she will probably always initiate sex and physical affection less than I do. To her credit, she does show affection in her own ways—playful teasing, coming up behind me for a quick kiss, and occasional compliments. What I find harder is that over time she’s also stopped putting much effort into her appearance, even on date nights. This isn’t about a specific look or standard, but more so I miss feeling visually or romantically desired sometimes. The feeling of, "Wow, she put that effort in for my attention," like when you first start dating.

I still find her very attractive and think about her often. She has mild depression and sees a therapist. She also sometimes asks, half-jokingly, whether I’m infatuated with anyone else, which makes me wonder if insecurity is part of what’s going on.

I’m not trying to change who she is or pressure her. I’m trying to figure out how to talk honestly about wanting to feel desired in the relationship without sounding shallow, critical, or like I’m adding another burden—especially given the stress of young kids and everything she’s already carrying.

For those who’ve been through similar stages of marriage or parenting: how would you approach this topic of wanting to feel desired?

[Els]

On 1/30/2026 at 1:11 AM, SeekingPerspective said:

What I find harder is that over time she’s also stopped putting much effort into her appearance, even on date nights. This isn’t about a specific look or standard, but more so I miss feeling visually or romantically desired sometimes. The feeling of, "Wow, she put that effort in for my attention," like when you first start dating.

Let's just address this first - I'm not sure I understand your lines of thought here. I obviously can't speak for all women, but generally speaking, how she dresses is a reflection of how she feels about dressing up, not how she feels about you. Dressing up takes quite a bit of time and effort, so it understandably falls by the wayside when life is busy. 

That being said, it's also understandable that you want to feel desired by her. And yes, her initiating sex would be a big part of that, but if she primarily has a responsive drive, that might be hard to do. 

You mentioned that you both engage in a lot of non sexual affection, which is a very good thing. Does she not initiate those? If she doesn't, maybe that might be a good place to start? So instead of straight up initiating sex, she could initiate cuddling sometimes, which may or may not lead to sex. 

The caveat is that if you ask her to do this, you have to genuinely be okay with it not leading to sex. 

[SeekingPerspective]

1 hour ago, Els said:

Let's just address this first - I'm not sure I understand your lines of thought here. I obviously can't speak for all women, but generally speaking, how she dresses is a reflection of how she feels about dressing up, not how she feels about you. Dressing up takes quite a bit of time and effort, so it understandably falls by the wayside when life is busy. 

That being said, it's also understandable that you want to feel desired by her. And yes, her initiating sex would be a big part of that, but if she primarily has a responsive drive, that might be hard to do. 

You mentioned that you both engage in a lot of non sexual affection, which is a very good thing. Does she not initiate those? If she doesn't, maybe that might be a good place to start? So instead of straight up initiating sex, she could initiate cuddling sometimes, which may or may not lead to sex. 

The caveat is that if you ask her to do this, you have to genuinely be okay with it not leading to sex. 

Sorry, I should have added a bit more context.

I already enjoy affection that does not lead to sex and we already have that dynamic. She initiates cuddling fairly often, and she’s usually receptive to making out even if she does not usually initiate this. I am also upfront when I don’t want things to lead to sex, so there isn’t pressure on her or her stopping to let me know this is not going to lead to anything more.

What still seems to be missing is that occasional sense of being actively pursued or wanted in a romantic way. It is nice when she cuddles up with me on a regular night and is receptive to wanting sex. That is great, but is comfortable. I want to know that sometimes I am worth dressing up for.

I am trying to think of how to communicate that difference in a way that doesn’t come across as criticism or a request for her to become someone she’s not.

If you’ve seen couples navigate that distinction well, I’d be interested to hear what helped.

[Nowherenear]

3 hours ago, SeekingPerspective said:

I am trying to think of how to communicate that difference in a way that doesn’t come across as criticism or a request for her to become someone she’s not.

There is no way to do that because what you want is actually to change her and/or make her someone she's not.

People change over the years. You can't expect a person to stay the same after some years, a marriage, two kids. She seems to show you much affection as you describe it. Maybe you need a wake up call that marriage and kids change things for the couples. She can't be the 20 or so years old careless girl you used to know.

So it's better in my opinion to focus on what you have and not on what you don't have. Focusing on what one doesn't have and not appreciating what one has is the best way for unhappiness and misery.

[Gebidozo]

You’ve been together with your wife for 8 years, you have two young kids, she cuddles with you and is responsive to sex.

Dude, what else do you want?

Take a look at some threads here on the forum, people have serious problems with their partners’ low sex drives, I’m talking about going without sex for months, etc. Your wife obviously doesn’t find you physically unpleasant and enjoys sex with you. Be happy!

To me personally, the strangest parts of your posts are where you suggest that she could dress up for you because you’re “worth dressing up for”. Now, I’m a man so I have no idea how women truly feel about dressing up, but as far as I understand they do it because they like it. I don’t think they do it for men whom they deem “worthy”.

Anyway, if you like it when she dresses up I also see nothing wrong in asking her to do it for you occasionally. Just tell her you find it very sexy and arousing if she wears this or that or puts on some makeup etc. I don’t think she’ll take it as criticism if you phrase your request positively.

 

 

 

Edited 2 hours ago by Gebidozo