How do I talk to my wife about wanting to feel more desired without pressuring her?

[SeekingPerspective]

My wife and I are in our mid-30s and have been together about 8 years. We have two young kids (5 and 2). The younger one still struggles with sleeping through the night, and we split bedtime and nighttime responsibilities between us. I work full-time in a high-stress job while she works part-time. The younger one just started daycare a month ago.

Over time I realize that one source of friction is how we experience desire. I tend to feel desire more spontaneously, while she seems to respond more once things are already in motion. She enjoys sex when we have it, but rarely initiates. Before kids, our sex life and physical affection felt easier and more frequent—sex about twice a week, daily cuddling, and affection that wasn’t always tied to sex.

Since our second child, I’ve tried to make sure I am supporting her and giving her enough time to be her own person. I want to be clear that I’m not listing these things as a transaction or expectation, just as context. I am not just watching sports while she is cooking dinner and raising our kids. I handle most meals, laundry, dishes, trash, planning date nights, arranging babysitters, and we do monthly “how are we doing” check-ins. We also try to continue with daily non-sexual affection, like kissing goodbye and offering compliments.

I’ve come to accept that she will probably always initiate sex and physical affection less than I do. To her credit, she does show affection in her own ways—playful teasing, coming up behind me for a quick kiss, and occasional compliments. What I find harder is that over time she’s also stopped putting much effort into her appearance, even on date nights. This isn’t about a specific look or standard, but more so I miss feeling visually or romantically desired sometimes. The feeling of, "Wow, she put that effort in for my attention," like when you first start dating.

I still find her very attractive and think about her often. She has mild depression and sees a therapist. She also sometimes asks, half-jokingly, whether I’m infatuated with anyone else, which makes me wonder if insecurity is part of what’s going on.

I’m not trying to change who she is or pressure her. I’m trying to figure out how to talk honestly about wanting to feel desired in the relationship without sounding shallow, critical, or like I’m adding another burden—especially given the stress of young kids and everything she’s already carrying.

For those who’ve been through similar stages of marriage or parenting: how would you approach this topic of wanting to feel desired?