Alone in a marriage

[Inuition04]

Alone

I see other marriages, other relationships. They’re close they rely on each other, they know what’s the next persons love before they make it. They understand each other, there’s a level of care, comfort, security. The knowing that they have your back. 

I feel like I don’t have that. I have to ask or pry and beg for a conversation with my husband, I get nothing. Not even about stupid stuff that happens during his day. I get very little even after I push him. Just kernels to keep me wanting more. Maybe he doesn’t realize he does it, I’ve spoken to him numerous amounts of times; he will either gaslight me saying “when did I do that? Tell me when, and exact time”, or he will turn the situation around on me. Make me feel like I’m crazy and my feelings aren’t valid. 

He makes me feel like I’m not enough for him. He chases these highs and attention from other people, but never me. He can’t wait to be in the mix of it all and the center of attention and be everyone’s entertainment, when he doesn’t even realize they don’t truly like him or even care about him. They’ll get him so drunk or high and just laugh at him for their own benefit and he’s so weak and pathetic and sad he will never see it or realize it. 

He leaves me for them all the time. He ditches me and makes me feel so insecure and lonely because he will run to those people and do whatever they say when they say and won’t question it and even think twice. But with Me he hesitates, he stalls, he doesn’t come or rush to me. I’m just there, and he knows i will be there so he doesn’t try with me. I get the bare minimum at best from him. Just enough to keep me wanting for me.

I married a narcissist 

I married a weak man

I married a pathetic man

I married an insecure man

And no matter what i did for him, be there, be strong, smart, respectful, reliable, caring, it didn’t help him and it killed me. 

It broke me

I lost me

I’d given up everything for that man. My home, my friends, my family, my identity, my life. And he would never do that, not even give up drinking, or drugs, or partying, or being out all the time. Even after he saw me break because of that stuff. He just kept it going. 

He has a whole other life I’m not apart of. A whole other world and life where I don’t exist. When my whole world has been about him. My only world. I barely have space in his.

[Gebidozo]

You’re talking about your ex-husband, right?

Because it would be quite unfathomable if you stayed with a person you have such intensely negative feelings for.

Assuming that you’re divorced, I hope that you’ll never, ever make the mistake of giving up your identity and your life for another person.

You shouldn’t do that for anyone, even for the most wonderful partner in the world (who would never approve of you doing that).