My niece is in danger

[Dim]

I’m 53 years old and I never became a father. That was not a tragedy for me. It was a choice. My wife and I always imagined life as something lighter and more mobile. Just the two of us walking side by side without the responsibility of raising our own children. We built a quiet and simple happiness that way.

But life has its own sense of humor.

Nineteen years ago my best friend let’s call him Theodosis had a daughter. From the moment she was born something shifted in me. I did not just become an uncle in name. I became the one who pushed the swings. The one who fixed broken toys. The one who showed up when needed. The one who explained homework. The one who spent slow Sunday afternoons teaching her three guitar chords that slowly turned into songs.

Sofia grew up in the suburbs of Paris close to where I live so she was always around. Parks. Small cafés. Long walks. Music in my living room. Somewhere along the way without ever saying it out loud she became the daughter I never had.

Her father is not an easy man. He does not believe in God but he holds very rigid views about the world. Loud opinions. Quick temper. Especially about social issues. I am different. I am a man of faith and I believe deeply in Christ but I try to move through life with calm and patience. I have my values but I also believe love dignity and mercy must come first.

A few months ago Sofia started university. You could see the door to adulthood swing wide open. New people. New ideas. Late nights. Creative dreams. She wants to go into film directing because she sees stories everywhere. She is bright and magnetic and she reminds me so much of my wife when she was young that sometimes it catches me off guard.

But with that new world came change. Parties. Coming home very late. A new style that is more daring and more independent. Not a bad kid. Never that. Just a young woman trying to understand who she is. Still the house started shaking with arguments. Her parents did not recognize their little girl anymore. When things got too tense she would come stay with me for a few days. My home became her safe pause button.

I worried but I did not know exactly why.

One night she called. There were no buses and she asked if I could pick her up. I left early just in case. When I got close I saw her under a streetlight. She was kissing another girl. Not carelessly. Not for show. The kind of kiss that says something real is there.

I did not interrupt. I parked further away. I sat there with my hands on the steering wheel and my heart pounding in a way I had not felt in years. Fifteen minutes later I called her like nothing had happened.

I drove her home. We talked about ordinary things.

Then I went back to my house. I sat in the garden in the dark and I broke. I cried. I prayed. I felt fear and sadness and confusion but also a fierce love that refused to move even one step back.

Suddenly the pieces connected. The fights. Her need to escape the house. The tension. And a new fear took shape. If her parents find out I do not know what they will do. Anger could explode. She could lose her home. Her safety. Her family.

And here I am standing in the middle. A man of faith. A man who believes in moral paths. But also a man who held this girl when she was small. A man who heard her first clumsy guitar song. A man who knows the sound of her laugh by heart. I do not want fear or pride or harshness to crush her spirit.

I want to talk to her. To listen before I speak. To understand her world and not just judge it from mine. To protect her where I can. To keep trust between us like something sacred.

At the same time my 89 year old father lies in the next room every day needing help for everything. I brought him from Greece after my mother passed because he could not live alone. I grew up in Athens in another era and another mentality. Life carried me to France to a small tech job and to friendships and to this strange and complicated chapter.

I have survived a lot. I am not a young man but I am not done learning. Maybe this is another test of what love really means when it is not simple.

As Orelsan, a well-known French rapper and songwriter known for reflective and deeply personal lyrics, says:
“On avance même quand on comprend pas trop le plan.”
We move forward even when we do not fully understand the plan.

If you read this far thank you truly.
I could use some wisdom right now. How do you hold onto your faith your values and your love for someone all at the same time when they seem to be pulling you in different directions?

God bless you all. 

[Sony12]

Just because she likes girls doesn't suddenly mean she is a different person. She's still the same person that she was before you saw her kissing a girl. Treat her like you always have and let her be the one to make the decision when or if she wants to come out. And who knows you don't really know what the situation is. A lot of college age kids go through an experimental phase of their life and for many young women that involves having a fling with another girl. You don't really know what the situation is at this point in rather it is just a phase she is going through or if she has made the decision to have sexual encounters and relationships with other women for the rest of her life.

In anycase she is old enough now for her to be the one to decide when she wants to come forward to the people in her life about the sexual and romantic interests that she has.

Edited 3 hours ago by Sony12

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Dim said:

I want to talk to her.

Here is where you need to respect her private life. 

She is a young women figuring out who she is, and she isn't doing anything wrong. Whether or not you agree with her choice, her love life really isn't your business. If she has a problem at home because of this and wants to open up to you, trust that she will do that. 

Unless and untli she does that, don't over-step your boundaries. 

[ShyViolet]

Her love life is none of your business.  It doesn't matter whether it aligns with your faith.  She doesn't need your approval nor is she asking for it.  Your fixation and attachment to this young woman sounds bordering on a little over the line.

[Sanch62]

I don't understand the 'danger' or the difficulty. Most healthy people break away from the values of their family in order to learn and choose their own values. While this can create some rifts, it also teaches discretion in what one chooses to discuss with their family members.

Whether your niece is experimenting or whether she's gay, it's of no consequence to anyone else. My cousin, who's lived with her lady partner for over 40 years, has maintained her relationships with our hard-core Catholic family. She simply doesn't entertain inquiries into her private love life, and the family has learned how to respect her boundaries. For all anyone knows, the two are friends and roommates.

Where's the problem?

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, Dim said:

How do you hold onto your faith your values and your love for someone all at the same time when they seem to be pulling you in different directions?

But your niece isn’t pulling you in a different direction.

She isn’t imposing your views on you or demanding that you renounce your faith.

Her private life is strictly her own business. Neither you nor her parents should interfere in it.

Just for the record, I also believe in Christ but I don’t see anything sinful in consensual homosexuality. My views have evolved with time, maybe yours will too.