Brother (54-M) has been trashing me (43-F) to friends and family.

[kinenchen]

My older brother and I had been out of touch for about 20 years. He was busy with family, I was busy with my career, and due to the age difference and that we live far apart, we were just never that close. He got in touch after his wife caught him cheating and then filed for divorce about 3 years ago. He wanted me to validate his perspective, but I told him it was between him and his wife, and I couldn't triangulate with him. He's also asked me for money and favors a few times in the past and then blamed me for not 'reminding him' to repay me or help me out when I asked. He never repaid me or returned the courtesy.

About a year ago, my brother learned that I am the fiduciary on our father's estate. After 15 years working for other people, I have managed my own business for the past 8. I have a PhD in molecular biology and a master's degree in clinical psychology. I own my own home, free and clear. Basically, I'm competent, mentally and financially.

I caught my brother sharing our father's medical information with friends and family and confronted him directly. He claimed ignorance even though I had hard data (text messages between him and another person). Our father has been quite private about his health problems, though he sometimes asks me to explain how drugs work since it's my area of expertise. I don't ask many questions because it's not my business unless he elects to share. After asking my brother not to share that info with me or anyone else, I've now caught him trashing me to our father, saying I'm not competent to manage his estate. When our father said that he knew better, he started telling our stepmother. She's sweet, but dumb, and she repeated this to anyone who would listen. I confronted her about it, telling her, "It really hurt my feelings when someone repeats something like that, especially without asking my side of things," and she got too defensive to have a conversation. This is pretty typical for her, she's not good at regulating her own emotions. My brother denied it when I confronted him, saying that our father and stepmother are "too senile" to know what's happening, and yet he persists in trying to get our father to name him executor of the estate. Our father is quite present - he's weak from chemo, but his mind is fully intact. Recently, I've been fielding phone calls from family and family friends that I'm not competent to manage our father's estate, that I'm neglecting him as a caregiver, etc. I don't have the power of attorney or any other legal guardianship over our father. None of these people has asked my side of the story; to me, it is clear they are advancing my brother's agenda.

I haven't said much about it to our father. I think there's something really vile about driving a wedge between a parent and their child, and even though that's what my brother is doing to me, I don't want to feed that cycle. I'm at a point where I don't want to talk to my brother at all and I know if I say that (most of our conversations are in writing - I don't trust him to have a phone call and portray it honestly) he'll use it as ammunition, even if there's context. I'm contemplating telling our father and calling a few of the people I said, "That's an interesting rumor" to, to see if they'd be willing to hear my side of things, but I usually ignore gossip and avoid feeding the cycle. Is that overkill? Will it make me seem unhinged? How could it validate my brother's campaign? What have you done in this situation?

I can document my text conversations with my brother and the handful of interactions I've had in which people scolded me, but I usually avoid people once they reveal themselves to be part of the gossip. There are two flavors of really gross people who gossip - the manipulators and those who lack discernment (usually not discerning enough to get both sides of the story, but also in failing to ask themselves whose agenda they're advancing in repeating that gossip). I don't mind tossing out the handful of people who might be real gems who gossip just to avoid the other 2 sorts, if that makes sense. It means there's not much data there, and my brother isn't dumb. He always pushes to have these conversations over the phone with me, and I'm sure does that with others just for the plausible deniability.

Talking to my Dad is going to be really hard - I really hate the idea of saying anything bad about my brother to his own father. I'm starting to think it's necessary, I'm just worried about how my brother will weaponize whatever I do or don't do. It will be emotional for me because of the betrayal aspects, and that's hard to navigate in the moment.

TL:DR My brother has been undermining me. I haven't said anything. I don't want to feed the cycle, but I'm pretty introverted, and people who don't know me well are siding with him. It's having real effects on my life.

[Lotsgoingon]

 

Hmmm ... maybe consult with an estate attorney just to make sure you have all your ducks lined up in case brother and others challenge you as fiduciary.

And you really might want to share what's going on with your father. This is your father's estate. He wanted you to manage it. Therefore, if there is a challenge to you, there is a challenge to him. Parents aren't as naive as we might imagine.

It’s time to defend your position or to be ready to defend your position. You’re not driving a wedge between a parent and a kid. Your father is a full and responsible adult. That framing of things assumes that your father is an idiot with no agency.  Parents are quite aware of the capabilities and strengths and weaknesses of their various children (not that they’re always right).

Trust me: theres a 99.999 percent chance your father knows all about this son who is creating the mess. Why do you think your dad skipped naming him fiduciary?! 

 

[kinenchen]

I had a lawyer review it, and she was comfortable with it. I told her I wasn't comfortable asking my Dad to change anything since my brother has alleged that our Dad isn't competent. Even so, my Dad did add an exemption clause and a no-contest clause. Ultimately, if I were removed (I would have to be fired for cause, and the estate would cover my legal fees), it would save me a lot of stress, so even the 'worst case' scenario. I think it's mostly my relationship with my Dad that I'm worried about, and my ego that's wounded.

I also appreciate your remarks about my Dad's agency. I don't think he's naive. There are just better things for us to discuss - my life is rich enough that talking about other people's personal failings with their nearest and dearest just isn't top of my agenda, and the ickiness of the thing makes it even less so. Point taken. It's important. Wish me luck talking with him.

[ShyViolet]

11 hours ago, kinenchen said:

Recently, I've been fielding phone calls from family and family friends that I'm not competent to manage our father's estate, that I'm neglecting him as a caregiver, etc. I don't have the power of attorney or any other legal guardianship over our father. None of these people has asked my side of the story; to me, it is clear they are advancing my brother's agenda.

I'm confused as to why you wouldn't tell them your side right then and there, if they are calling you with the things your brother has been spreading.  Why do you feel as though you need to wait until they ask you to tell your side?  If someone called me like this, I would respond immediately and give my side of the story.

I'm also confused as to why you haven't addressed this with your father.  If your brother has been talking badly about you to your father, why shouldn't you talk to your father and tell your side?  Staying quiet about it and letting your father hear your brother's side without your rebuttal doesn't make much sense.