What is the problem with this guy?

[Sanch62]

19 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think these people are running a different sort of operation, OP.  These men trying to get you to go out with a bunch of randoms were not looking for a relationship with you. I don't think it was just a weird kink, either. They were trying to see whete your boundaries were to eventually float the idea of you makig money out of these "dates", too. I'd bet the farm on it. 

Could be. Doesn't cost them anything to phish for women with boundaries so low that they'll go along with anything. So why not profit from them?

If she's that easy to manipulate, he wouldn't even need to tell her he's charging the dudes, so he can keep all the money himself.

Edited Sunday at 02:39 PM by Sanch62

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

If she's that easy to manipulate, he wouldn't even need to tell her he's charging the dudes, so he can keep all the money himself.

Exactly. It's not a coincidence that they gave her number to a bunch of random men. 

OP, please be more careful in the future. This guy sounds like a very bad seed and you had a big blind spot for the red flags. 

[FredEire]

11 minutes ago, CandesElton said:

this guy is a textbook example of someone deeply into a specific fetish called "cuckolding" or "hotwifing" and he is trying to pressure you into a lifestyle you never signed up for. honestly just stop wondering if you're "oversensitive" because you aren't—his behavior is actually incredibly disrespectful and he is ignoring every boundary you set to serve his own specific sexual fantasies.

the problem is that he isn't looking for a girlfriend he's looking for a performer to play out a script he has in his head. the fact that he wants you to get "blackout drunk" and throw up on yourself while hooking up with strangers isn't just a kink it's actually dangerous and showing a complete lack of care for your physical safety. him bringing up his exes and random women constantly is a manipulation tactic called triangulation which is designed to make you feel insecure so you'll do whatever it takes to "win" his approval.

when a man tells you that "other women" were fine with his behavior he is gaslighting you to make your healthy boundaries look like a personal flaw. the "issue" here is that he doesn't see you as a person with your own desires—he sees you as a tool for his hobbies.

Yeah that much to me was pretty obvious. He is into cuckolding and humiliation fetishes and pimping naturally go hand in hand with that. Look at P Diddy and Cassie for a recent well known example.

What confuses me more is why OP would even give this a second thought if she is after a normal partner. Hes a sexual freak and ruining you life and humiliating you would actually turn him on. Not a very good bet unless you are also into those things.

[Alpacalia]

I don't think you're exaggerating, this guy is a nut and I would report him for harassing you on the dating platform. I know you haven't had many relationships but you're missing a basic truth: non-creepy men do not behave like this. Whether he's a pimp or running some sex operation ring, keep blocking. 

[fleur89]

9 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I don't think you're exaggerating, this guy is a nut and I would report him for harassing you on the dating platform. I know you haven't had many relationships but you're missing a basic truth: non-creepy men do not behave like this. Whether he's a pimp or running some sex operation ring, keep blocking. 

Thanks for your input. Unfortunately I can't report him on the dating app as I found out recently that he blocked me on there - I'm assuming after I raised his behaviour and we ended up arguing which lead to me blocking him on Whatsapp. Every time I raised things with him or questioned stuff he said, he would always make me feel like I was uptight/a prude and not open minded enough etc, and that essentially I was the one with the problem, or (as I quoted earlier) that I was oversensitive for not wanting to hear about how many women he's been with or could be with in the future. It sounded like he only moved within those circles where women acted like sluts and went out with 'alpha' guys (as he called them) and their partners didn't seem to mind - I hadn't even heard of cuckolding before until a couple of people mentioned it on this post. It sounded like basically everyone he knew seemed to do some kind of sleazy job or 'hobby' - his personal trainer apparently used to own a strip club, and a woman him and his friend used to know is now doing OnlyFans and wants to sleep with loads of men etc.

His fantasy mainly seemed to be about shy and innocent women 'discovering' another side to themselves where they turned into crazy sluts o_O I did joke to him on a couple of occasions that he should find someone on Tinder to do that kind of stuff, and that the 'how to sleep with 100 men' talk sounded like it was a training ground for prostitution - but maybe my suspicions weren't completely inaccurate. 

I just couldn't get my head around why he was so keen for me to hook up with other men if he wanted to date me himself - the idea is so alien to me since loyalty and commitment are my priorities in a dating relationship. I was really open about my values and wanting to honour the other person in a relationship - even in the early dating stages, but now it makes complete sense why he didn't seem to care or share my feelings. 

Edited 19 hours ago by fleur89

[FredEire]

55 minutes ago, fleur89 said:

Thanks for your input. Unfortunately I can't report him on the dating app as I found out recently that he blocked me on there - I'm assuming after I raised his behaviour and we ended up arguing which lead to me blocking him on Whatsapp. Every time I raised things with him or questioned stuff he said, he would always make me feel like I was uptight/a prude and not open minded enough etc, and that essentially I was the one with the problem, or (as I quoted earlier) that I was oversensitive for not wanting to hear about how many women he's been with or could be with in the future. It sounded like he only moved within those circles where women acted like sluts and went out with 'alpha' guys (as he called them) and their partners didn't seem to mind - I hadn't even heard of cuckolding before until a couple of people mentioned it on this post. It sounded like basically everyone he knew seemed to do some kind of sleazy job or 'hobby' - his personal trainer apparently used to own a strip club, and a woman him and his friend used to know is now doing OnlyFans and wants to sleep with loads of men etc.

His fantasy mainly seemed to be about shy and innocent women 'discovering' another side to themselves where they turned into crazy sluts o_O I did joke to him on a couple of occasions that he should find someone on Tinder to do that kind of stuff, and that the 'how to sleep with 100 men' talk sounded like it was a training ground for prostitution - but maybe my suspicions weren't completely inaccurate. 

I just couldn't get my head around why he was so keen for me to hook up with other men if he wanted to date me himself - the idea is so alien to me since loyalty and commitment are my priorities in a dating relationship. I was really open about my values and wanting to honour the other person in a relationship - even in the early dating stages, but now it makes complete sense why he didn't seem to care or share my feelings. 

The biggest takeaway for me is why were you even wondering about this guy?

If I discovered someone wanted me to basically be her pimp and watch while she slept with dozens of different dudes I'd say fair enough but thats not what Im into so... next.

If you are actually after a normal relationship and to date someone in a more traditional way it's more sensible to just move on quickly from guys with weird kinks and figure its not for you rather than engaging with them just because they might be attractive etc.

[fleur89]

23 minutes ago, FredEire said:

The biggest takeaway for me is why were you even wondering about this guy?

If I discovered someone wanted me to basically be her pimp and watch while she slept with dozens of different dudes I'd say fair enough but thats not what Im into so... next.

If you are actually after a normal relationship and to date someone in a more traditional way it's more sensible to just move on quickly from guys with weird kinks and figure its not for you rather than engaging with them just because they might be attractive etc.

I did end the chat multiple times but he would always text again eventually and I fell for it every time. I also blocked him last year only for him to get in touch again under a different number. I've had a wake up call now but I guess I was naively hoping he would change and stop talking about all that stuff, and that without it we could have a normal relationship. I couldn't find anyone else who ticked my boxes, had a lot of common interests, seemed interested in dating me and could actually hold a conversation. I realise now it's obviously so much better to be single than to be with the wrong and a really dodgy/weird person. He just seemed to have a hold over me for some reason.

He was also a really good salesman and made everything sound normal rather than a weird kink/dodgy etc. He said he was interested in getting me to become more open minded and confident about showing off my body etc. We would always debate and I just really clearly said I'm never doing that stuff, but he wouldn't take no for an answer. I would only get to about a week or 10 days and then just cut contact with him after realising he wasn't going to ever change.

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, fleur89 said:

I did end the chat multiple times but he would always text again eventually and I fell for it every time. I also blocked him last year only for him to get in touch again under a different number. I've had a wake up call now but I guess I was naively hoping he would change and stop talking about all that stuff, and that without it we could have a normal relationship. I couldn't find anyone else who ticked my boxes, had a lot of common interests, seemed interested in dating me and could actually hold a conversation. I realise now it's obviously so much better to be single than to be with the wrong and a really dodgy/weird person. He just seemed to have a hold over me for some reason.

He was also a really good salesman and made everything sound normal rather than a weird kink/dodgy etc. He said he was interested in getting me to become more open minded and confident about showing off my body etc. We would always debate and I just really clearly said I'm never doing that stuff, but he wouldn't take no for an answer. I would only get to about a week or 10 days and then just cut contact with him after realising he wasn't going to ever change.

And why on earth would you want to change something like that?

Its something that afflicts a lot of us in dating. "If I could just change them" etc. But you have to realise you dont have power over anyone else. If they are showing you who they are believe them and leave it alone.

If I met someone for who was say for example polyamorous, if thats what theyre into why would I make it a project to change their mind and make them someone whos only into me, rather than just finding someone who wants the same thing as me?

[flitzanu]

here's the thing.

their normal is fine for them.  

if their normal does not seem normal to you, then block and stop talking to them.  

their normal doesn't have to make sense to you, and it's fine to not agree with their normal not matching what you feel to be normal.

 

[Rods]

The real question is why are you still trying to figure him out instead of just blocking and moving on? He's told you exactly who he is multiple times, someone who doesn't respect your boundaries and keeps pushing after you've said no. That's all you need to know.

Doesn't matter if it's a fetish thing, manipulation, or whatever. The pattern is clear: you say you're uncomfortable, he ignores it and keeps pushing. That's not someone looking for a relationship, that's someone looking for someone they can wear down.

[fleur89]

1 hour ago, Rods said:

The real question is why are you still trying to figure him out instead of just blocking and moving on? He's told you exactly who he is multiple times, someone who doesn't respect your boundaries and keeps pushing after you've said no. That's all you need to know.

Doesn't matter if it's a fetish thing, manipulation, or whatever. The pattern is clear: you say you're uncomfortable, he ignores it and keeps pushing. That's not someone looking for a relationship, that's someone looking for someone they can wear down.

Just to be clear - I have blocked him now. 

[Sanch62]

8 hours ago, fleur89 said:

I would only get to about a week or 10 days...

Why even engage for that long?

You're the one claiming you're looking for a loyal and long-term relationship. The moment a stranger crosses lines into behavior you wouldn't respect from a loyal and long-term partner, that's the time to shut them down and block them. No negotiation is necessary.

If you want to waste your time on erotic seducers, that's not against the law, it's just not productive. It's one more barrier to finding the right man you're placing in your own way.

[Alpacalia]

11 hours ago, fleur89 said:

Thanks for your input. Unfortunately I can't report him on the dating app as I found out recently that he blocked me on there - I'm assuming after I raised his behaviour and we ended up arguing which lead to me blocking him on Whatsapp. Every time I raised things with him or questioned stuff he said, he would always make me feel like I was uptight/a prude and not open minded enough etc, and that essentially I was the one with the problem, or (as I quoted earlier) that I was oversensitive for not wanting to hear about how many women he's been with or could be with in the future. It sounded like he only moved within those circles where women acted like sluts and went out with 'alpha' guys (as he called them) and their partners didn't seem to mind - I hadn't even heard of cuckolding before until a couple of people mentioned it on this post. It sounded like basically everyone he knew seemed to do some kind of sleazy job or 'hobby' - his personal trainer apparently used to own a strip club, and a woman him and his friend used to know is now doing OnlyFans and wants to sleep with loads of men etc.

His fantasy mainly seemed to be about shy and innocent women 'discovering' another side to themselves where they turned into crazy sluts o_O I did joke to him on a couple of occasions that he should find someone on Tinder to do that kind of stuff, and that the 'how to sleep with 100 men' talk sounded like it was a training ground for prostitution - but maybe my suspicions weren't completely inaccurate. 

I just couldn't get my head around why he was so keen for me to hook up with other men if he wanted to date me himself - the idea is so alien to me since loyalty and commitment are my priorities in a dating relationship. I was really open about my values and wanting to honour the other person in a relationship - even in the early dating stages, but now it makes complete sense why he didn't seem to care or share my feelings. 

It’s clear you found a certain appeal to his confidence or intensity at first, I mean, you said this has been going on for over a year?

You're quite naive and I don't mean that as a dig towards you but you were operating from a place of hope, loneliness, and inexperience while he milked that for all it was worth. He knew exactly how to keep you hooked just enough to stay in his orbit.

I'm glad you've stepped away from it but even posting on here you're still in a way trying to understand his behaviour. I know you're seeking clarity but your time would be better spent focusing on why this dynamic pulled you in, what needs or vulnerabilities it tapped into, and how you can strengthen those parts of yourself so someone like him never gets that kind of access again.

If you respond back to someone who doesn’t share your values and they push back, you’re not having a conversation anymore you’re being trained to doubt yourself. That’s the moment to step away, not to negotiate.

And that’s really the core of what happened here.

Some people will keep pushing back until you learn to be assertive enough to say, this isn't working for me, bye!

Edited 8 hours ago by Alpacalia

[ExpatInItaly]

Kindly, I would urge you to do some serious work on your self-worth before you venture back into dating, OP. 

You have very flimsy boundaries and your bar is set way too low. The wrong sorts of people, like this man, are going to try to exploit your naivety and emotion al vulnerability.